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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Same sex parents...advice needed

65 replies

kokeshi · 15/04/2006 16:35

Hi there, I joined a while ago and have been a frequent lurker. I've been amazed at the genuine and caring support and advice given and received between members, so here goes.

2 years ago, in my late twenties, I finally admitted and accepted to myself that I was attracted to women. I was married but unfortunately around this time my husband(who was living in another country)died.

I met an amazing woman and we have been in a relationship since then and her strength has helped me through those rough times. We are now talking about starting a family and therein lies the problem. She is openly gay and has been for years. I now live quite near my parents with my partner but they (I don't think) know the nature of our relationship. They are from a traditional catholic background (I have been brought up in this religion too) and I'm not sure how they would take it.

I guess my upbringing must have a bearing on the way I feel about bringing a child into a same sex family. Is this right? Is it selfish of me and my partner? Are there any other people out there who have experience of this?

I'd really appreciate any thoughts on it. As I'm not 'out' I don't really have anyone close to talk with except my partner, I guess I feel a little isolated in my dilemma! Thanks.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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chipmonkey · 17/04/2006 03:43

Kokeshi, apparently I tried to pee standing up when I was 3. ( Real Daddy's girl!) Didn't work out!

Original poster

kokeshi · 17/04/2006 04:02

Yeah chipmonkey, I guess the aiming was a bit tricky!? I love it that at 3 we are not discouraged by these small details!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 17/04/2006 04:06

Kokeshi, I'm going to hit the hay now. Night-night!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

kokeshi · 17/04/2006 04:07

me too, night night!

OP posts:

threebob · 17/04/2006 06:54

I have a friend who is half of the male half of a lesbian/gay child. He is not the biological father (his dp is). The child lives with the mothers and the father look after the child around once a week.

When they had photos done - they had child with mummy on one picture and child with daddy on the other.

They all make decisions as a committee and all pay for her upbringing. The child has two rooms, one at each house.

I think they are all very happy.

Dottydot · 17/04/2006 09:32

Kokeshi - sounds like your family might have already twigged about your dp - so hopefully it wouldn't come as a complete shock? Hope not - and hope whenever you do decide to let them know that it's OK...

Threebob - there are just so many different combinations of doing a family!! We were clear that although we wanted ds's to know who their Dad is, we didn't want 'joint' parenting with him - and he was very happy with that!! We had an offer from a gay male friend of mine to help us make children, but he wanted to be anonymous, but we just couldn't do it that way. I think as ds's get older, they'll get closer to their Dad - I can see football/cricket (he's a keen cricketer!) trips and maybe even them staying over at his - and that's fantastic, especially as we're so established as their Mummies. For us it's been a question of taking it all really slowly, in a laid back way, with no-one putting any pressure on any of the relationships - thank goodness we've all felt the same way! I love it when their Dad comes round on their birthdays and joins all the family for parties and at Christmas - feels just right that he's there!

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 10:05

Glad you're getting lots of advice Koleshi!

Original poster

kokeshi · 17/04/2006 11:47

I made a bit of progress last night...(this seems to have turned into a bit of a log about my life so apologies!) armed with the wonderful advice of MNers, I told my best male friend about my reltaionship with DP. He knows us both, knows my family and lives really close to us So it definitely is a step in the right direction.

I guess I was having a problem integration my "old" life with my "new" one. DP has also been frustrated with me because I haven't been honest with him. I can understand her worries as I've obviously had straight relationships in the past and by my not admitting it, it was like she didn't matter and our relationship wasn't real. What a relief! I think it was the whole fear of rejection thing, which obviously didn't happen. Baby steps, but on the right track!

Great hearing about the male gay parenting as well. I think it would actually be a positive thing for a child knowing it was loved and cherished by so many people. I also have male gay friends, but I wondered if bringing a child into the world with all it's parents being gay, would necessarily be balanced for it? ( at myself). I don't mean that critically by the way...again just me!

OP posts:

Dottydot · 17/04/2006 14:25

Hi again! Great news about telling your friend - was he completely OK with it? Hope so! I think it's natural to wonder about the impact of various combinations of parents - it's all so tricky and of course we only want the best for our kids (I think that by even pondering it all our kids are doing well having us as parents, obviously!!).

Original poster

kokeshi · 17/04/2006 19:55

Hi Dot, yes, my friend was great about it. He said that he kinda already new as someone had mentioned to him in passing, matter of fact.

Said he didn't want to come right out and ask me about dp, but in many ways, I'd already told him. And of course I didn't lie...just didn't explain! We had a long chat about it anyway, which was great.

Re: giving consideration to parenting...I guess a lot of women find they're pregnant without planning it, in less than ideal circumstances. I know at least it won't happen acidentally!!

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 20:08

Please be aware that your family may be different though, esp being catholics. Make sure your dp can be on standby for you for when you tell them, and have the number for a counsellor handy, if only to help you come to terms with their point of view. I hope they are accepting of it all, only you will have an inkling as to how they will take it. Best of luck and keep us posted!

Hattie05 · 17/04/2006 21:28

Congrats for making your first step!

chipmonkey · 17/04/2006 23:01

As a matter of interest kokeshi, how old are your parents?

Original poster

kokeshi · 18/04/2006 02:03

Hi all...Rhubarb: yeah I'm thinking my parents are a totally different kettle of fish. Old school catholics, even a little prejudiced in some of their views I think.

Chipmonkey: my parents are in their mid-50s and have lived in the same town all their lives. Not naive but I wouldn't say completely open-minded either!

Thanks again for all your input!

OP posts:

bourneville · 19/04/2006 07:14

What an interesting thread! Good luck with everything kokeshi.
I'm a single mum and dd's dad lives abroad, so the issue of a male role model is very important for us too. Luckily I have a boyf who I have been with since i was pg although we don't live together (yet) so he isn't playing father as such. My dd is 2.8 and I can already see how important it is for her to have men to relate to too. She loves playing with my boyf and my other male friends, and Grandad is very important too. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure she relates to them differently than to my female friends. She expects them to lark about more for some reason whereas with my female friends it is gentler and more conversation based.

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