Hi everyone
Thanks, Rhubarb, for CATing me, because I rarely get chance to catch up on mumsnet these days - having to have too many sword fights with ds1! (Of the many issues we went through endlessly before taking a big breath and jumping into the having children ocean, imagining a weapon-obsessed little boy who constantly asks for people to "be rough" with him wasn't one of them!!)
I would back up all those who said it's important for you to be open and honest in the first instance, before bringing children into the mix. I read an excellent book called, I think, Lesbian and Gay Parenting, by an American psychoanalyst or something. I shall look it up and come back on that. But it pointed out that any negative feelings you still have about yourself/your relationship/your sexuality would be picked up on, at some level, by your children, so it's best to feel as comfortable as possible with things, so we don't load our misgivings onto our kids. I know that's easier said than done.
Just to give you a quick idea of our experience, we were together a good eight years before dot's hormones started raging and she insisted she HAD to have children and, moreoever, it HAD to be with me. I didn't want to do it because I was terrified of 'society's' reaction, and thought any children brought into the world by us would have a hard time, especially since I'd had a really hard time with my mum, who'd had enormous difficulty accepting her much loved daughter was gay. To an extent she still does have that difficulty, but she manages to be a fantastic grandma, mum and mum-ex-law also, so I can live with that.
Anyway, we had a bit of counselling which didn't really do me too much good. I think I was more influenced by some work colleagues who were having kids at that point, and by a former teacher who couldn't understand why I didn't just go ahead, saying he couldn't see what the problem was (bless him!) We sort of compromised for a while on fostering, and went through a rigorous approval process by Harrow, the borough we lived in at the time. Despite being approved, we didn't manage to get a placement within a reasonable period, and by then I'd spent so long living with the thought of children, letting my mind venture into unknown territory, that I thought: sod it. Let's go for it. At the same time I took the decision to move back to the city where we'd both grown up. We were agreed that we wanted to use a known donor, so drew up a shortlist of suitable friends, asked the one at the top of the list and received an immediate assent.
After a short course with Lisa Saffron, who runs a gay parenting website, we decided to try conceiving in alternate months, but then I got lucky on my second try. All our friends were supportive and pleased for us and my mum, although she didn't talk to me for the first few weeks of the pregnancy, quickly came on board. A couple of years later dot conceived ds2 (by the same dad) and we moved to Manchester.
Their dad now lives down the road and is happy to have regular contact with none of the downside, like the lack of sleep. So far in the process I've been pleasantly surprised by the lack of flak we've had. But I suspect that those who don't approve, rather than offering abuse, just make themselves scarce, which is fine. Now that the school years are in sight, I guess I feel slightly uneasy about what might lie in store for them, but I believe all we can do is instil as much knowledge, self-confidence and happiness in them as possible so that they can cope with any unpleasantness they meet.
I hope I don't come across as though we've got it all sussed, because I don't feel like that at all. When I talk about dealing with any negative feelings you have, I don't actually mean that I've dealt with all of my own. Although I am utterly secure with my sexuality - I say I have the word 'lesbian' running through me like a stick of rock! - I can't hand on heart say that I'm sure our boys will never be unhappy at their family make-up, or that I'm totally relaxed about how they'll deal with any negativity at school, because I'm far from that. But you also learn and grow as you're doing it, and I do feel that we're doing just as good a job as the average straight couple.
Incidentally, I think it's right that children need role models of both sexes, so it's worth thinking about who they could be. I used to be quite hung up on this, but now that we're fairly near their dad and they see their uncles quite regularly, as well as one of their grandads and the dad of friends of ours, I think that's reasonably well covered!