Anyone with two children torn between stopping or having a third?

[Em32]

I'm 34 in May, have ds 2 and dd 7 months(19 months apart). I always thought I'd have three children (am one of three myself) but am now having doubts after just seeing the light at the end of the 'we're going to get divorced' tunnel stage of having a really small baby around (or is that just me.....). I'm also still knackered as dd is only just sleeping through, most of the time, and physically have found I've not really bounced back this time, not surprisingly. I'm really not sure about having another baby in a couple of years as I'll be 36 but don't want to regret the decision further down the road. dh says he'd rather have a marriage and two children than a divorce and three. Anyone been there done that and what did you decide? Are you still happy with the decision?

Bink summmed it up well for me, too

especially this bit

"But I do a lot of imagining of no.3, he/she is almost a spectrey presence sometimes."

I would love to have had 3 children. But I'm far too old and we definitely couldn't afford it.

yes, it is a constant battle in my head.
Dh says we have until he is 40 next year, to decide.

My stepmother always says that you can regret NOT having another, but not regret having another....

My 2 are DD1 5 and DD2 19 months.

RP - DS will be 3 in June! :o

Seriously, I found the first 6 months hard. It got easier after that.

I have DS 6 and DD 1. DD is so easy that even my Dh thinks a third could work out well. Unfortunately, I'm 40, so a third might not happen. Make up your mind sooner than he did, Em.

I thought I was done and dusted with two. Then found to my horror I was wistfully thinking of a third. My bessie mate, Troutpout, said it's a bit of panic about ds2 starting school in September and feeling 'redundant' - she's probably right There are so many reasons for me not to have another one - I don't really 'do' pregnancy very well, I've had PND twice (have only just come off the anti-d's from my second bout and ds2 is 4 now), I have sold/given away all baby-type stuff (pram, cot, car seat, clothes, monitor), we would need a bigger car, we would need a bigger house, the two I have are 4 and 9 so I'd end up with a teen and a toddler , it took me 2.5 years (and a miscarriage) to conceive ds2 - if it was that long again I'd be 40+ so all the increased risk factors that come with that would come into play...

So why do I still have that little nagging yearning for another, when it's clearly madness? I like Bink's post about the spectrey presence - perhaps it will always be like that.

I'm glad this thread is here - I haven't told dh how I feel (he'd agree like a shot to another one - not least because he knows I'd have to put out a bit more...) and it's nice to get it all out.

I'm not going to have another baby - but I do feel sad that that part of my life is done with.

It's so difficult, i feel the same...sometimes just wish it would "happen" and then the decision is made. I have 2 children and my youngest is 3, i have pondered over a third since she was born! I think i have spent so much time pondering over the idea that now i have seen a different side to life now that they are becoming more independent, holidays can be abroad, family dinners out etc and having another would be like having to give all that up (or is that just my way of looking at it?) I wish we'd just had another and not seen this other side of life that we now feel would be compromised by introducing another.

really wanted a 3rd when DH was saying no way but surprisingly since he's changed that to 'if you want' I don't really want one any more

I think a big dollop of I can't be bothered doing the dull bits again and it would be nice to see what happens next helps

I am in the same boat here girls.
dh is adament he wants another now but I am really unsure seeing as I have 2 dd's (8 and 2 in 2 weeks time).
my main worry is that I will have to do all the caring and get 3 kids out of the house by 8.45 and dd2 will be in playgroup so will need constant pickingup and dropping off so when in gods name am I going to have time to feed a baby in between all the other things going on in my busy life.

i really don't know what i think about this. ds is 4 & dd is 9 months. i am in the process of giving all our baby stuff away. i am 1 of 2, so that always seemed like the "right" number to me. i have diabetes & pregnancy is very hard work (lots of jabs & hard work emotionally too). our house is a little too small for us now so 3 kids would definitely be pushing it. i've just gone back to work after dd's maternity leave & it's going well. etc etc. but i still think about having another.

still, am only 30 so there's still time. dp is 40 though, & will need convincing. though he has gone from saying no way, never to "well, if you do want another we'll have to move"; i reckon he's persuadable (he's 1 of 3).

actually, part of it is vanity. i put on tons of weight when pg, & although i've lost the weight i put on when pg with dd, i still have to lose rather a lot i put on with ds. i reckon if i lose that we might think again (or of course i might be too busy buying slinky clothes :o).

oh, & i can't quite bring myself to get rid of my maternity clothes.....

there's not much point trying to be rational about this one. If deep down you know you really want another i don't think that feeling goes away.

I would love a 3rd child, but we have no room and not enough money! I feel sad sometimes, when I see mothers with babies, and I can't hold anyones baby, unless I have to, because it causes too much pain inside. My HB tells me we will have another one, BUT not at the moment, just wait! But I can't help the way we feel. I also came from a family of 6.

Thought a lot about having a 3rd. ds and dd seemed like a nice unit together. However different for us in that ds1 has special needs and doesn't really get on well with dd at times. So I thought lets have another sibling for dd. Now I have ds1 age 6, dd age 3 and ds2 age 8 months. It has been hard but ds1 and dd love ds2 which is lovely. The 3rd is also quite an easy baby but I don't know how I'll feel when he is a toddler!

Also I have a lot less time. Not read a book (I love reading) since I've had the last baby and lots more washing, preparing food etc but I think I enjoyed the pregnancy etc and baby stage more as I feel so relaxed having done it all before.

I think if you have 3 then try to get them fairly evenly spaced so you don't get one left out, mind you it all depends on what gender you have also.

Dd2 is only 9 months but the thought of her being my last baby is almost unbearable. Dh is dead-set against any more though, and I do see that the whole cars/holidays/material blah-de-blah thing makes sense and I would probably be run ragged and think 'why oh why didn't I stop when I could?'etc. but it's still such a powerful longing. Oh well.

I'm 36 now so could be the bio clock. Everyone seems to think I should want a boy too but I'm 100% sincere in saying I just wouldn't care about the sex.

It is a subject constantly on my mind. I am one of 4 and always imagined having 4 myself but after 2 I don't think I could face another pregnancy and c/section.
I hate being pregnant ... the worry of the first 12 weeks (having one m/c under my belt the first 12 weeks of DD's pgy was awful), not to mention 16 weeks of morning sickness) and then SPD from 17 weeks on till I could hardly walk at 8 months.
HOWEVER ... I yearn for that buzz that I had when DD was born ... that feeling of pure, blissful happiness that no other event can surpass, I yearn to breastfeed again ...
I am not worried about having a newborn, hey, they need feeding in the night but really they aren't that bad really ...
BUT the thought of another toddler makes me want to throw up ... (DD is 2 and is at the peak of her tantrums right now and she is about to be sold on E-Bay) ...
BUT the thought of never having another baby fills me with dread ...
BUT if I had another baby I would have huge age gaps ... 4 years between DS and DD, 3+ years between DD and DB ... Just when we are able to go out and do things easily with two children why would I want to add another baby into the picture.
BUT DH loves babies and he would love another
BUT would it be fair on DS who would be over 7 if I had another baby ...
You get the picture? The list goes on and on and on
I am hoping that I will keep walking around in circles until I am 40 and I realise I am really too old for another.

Ghosty, I have a huge age gap between dd1 and dd2, 6 years to the day, and even though it is hard to find time with dd1 she copes fine and now she is getting to the age of going out with her mates and she doesn't really need us that much now.

on the "if you have 3 do you always then want a 4th?" question. i don't think so.

we tried to stop at 2. it seemed much more sensible really. but i couln't get rid of the feeling that i wanted a 3rd. We did have a 3rd and for us it really did get rid of the "wanting another" feeling. several of my friends have said the same, they always wanted a 3rd but never a 4th. even if you like babies and children there's only so many times you can bear to go back to square one again.

I agree. I planned on three - ended up with 4 and now definately know I don't want any more.

most of the families i know in RL with 3 have also had the snip pretty swifty after the third child.

it is nice to be able to know for definite you have enough.

This is a subject close to my heart at the moment. Currently 26 weeks pg and dd is nearly 3. I always imagined having 4 or 5 kids but seems like we've 'decided' to stop at two.

Dp would be perfectly happy with two but I am one of two and found it rather dreary. I always wanted to have lots of brothers and sisters and live in a noisy house where things were always going on!

So...the upshot of this is I've been thinking of the pros and cons of having a 3rd and can only really come up with cons:
-Have to go through the BABY stage again.
-Couldn't offer so much financially to 3.
-Every extra baby pushes back my dreams of taking the kids abroad on big holidays like Disneyland, Japan, Hawaii.
-Don't really have space in the house for 3 so would have to move [horror emoticon]
-Would need to get people carrier.
-Terrified of having such dreadful morning sickness again...didn't have any with dd but this pregnancy it was horrendous.
-Like ghosty I REALLY hate being pregnant.
-and finally...I don't really like babies all that much, give me a rampaging toddler any day!

But still all that doesn't stop me wondering whether to go for it again...mind you, I'd leave a gap of about 3 years again so I've at least got time to decide

I have loved reading this thread as i am in the same boat. I have ds1 (nearly 9) and ds2 (2.5yrs). I often think about having another one. I would love to have a girl but wouldnt want to go through the dissapointment of another boy. Dont get me wrong I love the two I have got and have never once regretted having them but I have always dreamt of having a little girl, I have always had such a close relationship with my mum i would love to share that experience with my own little girl, also little boys dont really appreciate the same things us girls do .

Every now and again dh will bring up the subject of having another, i think deep down he would like one but just like me he is not 100% sure about it.

On the practical side we live in a 2bed damp riddled council flat (we are trying to move but thats a different thread)so there isnt the space and i hate the thought of my boys living in this let alone another baby, if/when we get a mortage money will be tight, Ds2 is now at a nice age where he is easier to look after ie amuses himself (sometimes)and doesnt need feeding every few hours. When ds2 is 18 we will still only be 44 so plenty if time for dh and I to enjoy oursleves before we get too old. Also after having ds2 i have found it hard to get back in shape and now that after having baby no.3 it will be even harder. Being overweight is not something i enjoy and it gets me down a lot.

On the emotional side I love being pregnant, no morning sickness fairly easy labours although no.3 would probably be totally different to that. Nothing beats the feeling of holding your newborn in your arms and babies are so gorgeous. I already had ds1 when i met dh, hence the big age gap, and I know dh has always wanted 2. He classes ds1 as his own so technically he has got his 2 but I would love another baby with dh, its hard to explain but it would make our relationship feel complete. The excitement you feel when you get that big fat positive when you have been trying to get pg for a while. And dont forget the fun you have while trying

I know that if we do decide on no.3 i dont want to have such a big age gap between ds2 and the new baby but then again we have got so much planned for the next 2years that having a baby between now and then wouldnt be practical. In a way I wish the decision would be taken away from me and the pill would fail, that way we would have to live with it but then again at the beginning of the year i missed a period and had never felt so scared, it was like being 19 again and telling my parents i was pg with ds1. With ds2 we had had a false positive a few months before and after getting our hopes up for nothing we decided to actively try for ds2. I suppose the fact that the scare at the beginning of the year hasnt prompted us to try again should make me realise that a having a baby now just isnt right for us and we obviously both know it. I just dont want to have to face the fact that i may never have another baby. I know that at 28 I still have a few years left to decide but i have always known i dont want a baby after the age of 32, no particular reason just personal preference.

Who would think that deciding how may children to have would be such a difficult decision? Choosing to have 2 children was such an easy one to make compared to this.

It's a difficult one pebblemum and because we have a choice in these things there is always the worry that we'll make the wrong one. If you have a third (I've got three) it won't be the perfect choice as there will always be extra headaches that naturally come with an extra child. But that's just life and I think it's worth all that for the joy of seeing three together.
It's sounds like accomodation could be your biggest headache. Could the baby go in with the boys for the first year or so? Also would you qualify for a bigger house if you had a third? It sounds to me like you are both up for going for it. Good luck in your decision. I'm almost as old as you will be when ds2 is 18 and I've got a 5,3 and 1 year old .

if i thought we would get a bigger house if we had three it would definatley help towards making the decision but a friend of mine was stuck in a 2 bed flat with 1 boy and 2 girls until the youngest girl was almost 3, the boy 8. The council have only just moved her and that was only because her flat flooded 4 months ago so they didnt really have a choice. It still took them until recently to do it though, plus i think the fact she is now expecting no.4 may have helped.

In our flat the boys' room is just about big enough for bunk beds and wardrobes so i cant see another bed/cot fitting in there without it being a very tight squeeze. Also the flat is already over run with the boys things as well as other day to day stuff, there is hardly any storage space so unless the boys agree to get rid of most of their toys and clothes i dont think we would have room for baby things too.

I was thinking about it last night and i think the reason i want three is because I was one of three, my sister had three, my aunty had three pregnancies although one of them were twins so really she has 4 kids, my cousin is pg with her 3rd (all under 3, must be mad). Everyone seems to have 3 children in my family. Before having ds1 I lost a baby at 22 weeks and know that if it had turned out differently I would now have three. Choosing to have ds2 was such an easy decision to make, dh wanted a child of his own, that no matter how many children i had previously we still would have had him so why is this decision so difficult to make. Also the baby I lost was a girl and I think that is why i dont feel complete, I want the chance to have my daughter

Still I am lucky to have two gorgeous healthy boys and keep focusing on that whenever i feel down. Maybe a 3rd baby will come along one day, maybe it wont. I think I should be grateful for what I have got. Maybe in a few years time dh and i will suddenly decide the time is right but if it doesnt i can play the doting grandmother when i am older (at least then you can give them back at night)

have just spotted this thread. I'm feeling like that. I've always wanted 2 boys, and now i've got 2 boys (4 and 5mths) but now i really want 2 or 3 more dps from a big family and has always wanted a big family himself but now he's not too bothered and says he doesn't mind its what i want to do.

3 children means a bigger car, bigger house et etc (let alone mmore!), but i think, well we can worry about that if and when the time comes.

I never wanted to have children after I was 26 (i'm 26), but I'm really sad that i feel that i'm not going to have more children. And i also realised after i'd given away all the clothese ds2 had grown out of that it sort of felt like the end of me having children and that made me quite sad .

I'm still waiting to get my implant done, should be in the next few weeks, but dp said don't do if i don' t want to, but not really sure.

I have 3 boys with a total gap of 10 years.(6 between 1 and 2,and then 4 between 2 and 3)
No planning at all,just when they turned up.
I just felt someone was missing when I had 2 and although I didnt fancy my chances of conceiving anyway(see gaps!)I just KNEW I would regret it later if I didnt try.
As soon as he was born it was like"Ah,here you are,you're who I was waiting for!" and I just knew 3 was the right number for us.Same as I have friends who know that 1,2,3,or 4 is right for them too.
The financial side is hard but no worse than going from 1 to 2.The eldest 2 fighting is driving me up the wall and even though they were 10 and 4 when DS3 arrived those first few months are a blur of chaos and exhaustion.
Cars,bedrooms,holidays and days out are also a consideration...everywhere caters for 2 + 2.(holidays in particular are a nightmare,very few hotels do rooms for 5...but camping is also a possibility!
I just feel 'done' now that we have 3,if that makes sense?

sorry guys I dont think it goes away.

I have three wonderful healthy sons agd 7 3 and 1; its all i wanted etc etc,,,,.... and dh and i are considering a 4th.

mad!