ex dp's wife and our dd

[buffythenappyslayer]

bit of a complicated one,but bare with me!
right,ex dp is actually dh's brother!had dd with ex dp,then we split as he was a complete arsehole to me.i ended up with his brother and we got married and had babies!
right,thats the background!
ex dp married this evil witch 6 years ago.hes said hes not happy on numerous occasions,but doesnt want to leave her as he'll lose his house (she said she'll take him for every penny hes got)anyway,i dont like the woman,i never have.but whenever she has visited i have gone out of my way to make her feel welcome and a part of teh family,but she just wont talk to anyone,gives filthy looks to you when you talk to her dh,and if dd goes near her dad,evil bitch pushes her away.i told dd's dad that she just doesnt make the effort and he said its because she is jealous as she cant ahve kids.
now,i never and i mean never,slag her off or say anything bad about her infront of the kids (i know theyd repeat it!)but dd has started being really nasty when she is mentioned.she said she hates her and wished her dad would leave her.dd's dad asked if dd could go to his for a few days and dd turned around and said 'is taht woman going to be there,cos if she is you can forget it'!ive tried getting dd to be nice but she said 'why should i,i hate her'.dd is 12.the last time dd saw her dads wife (gawd this is hard with putting names!!) ex dp's wife told dd 'you shouldnt eat alot because you'll end up fat like your mam'!i was horrified (after 5 kids i think im allowed to be bigger tahn i was before i had kids!)i think ex dp's wife doesnt want to be a part of dds life,but its causing probs as when he comes to visit dd slags his wife off.
just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything liek this.i know i cant make dd like her,but if dd would jsut make the effort,and if ex dp's wife would aswell!

Sorry but it sounds as though your dd is quite right not to like the nasty woman. Pushing her away from her dad is

At 12 i think dd might have to be let to draw her own conclusions. Perhaps her reaction will give her dad some food for thought.

It must be really difficult holding your tongue!

I thin it's up to you and your ex-dp to tell your dd that rudeness will not be tolerated whether the woman in question is there or not.

DD is nearly a teenager. There is no way she will be nice to this woman, and TBH I can't see why she would want to be nice. It sounds like she is not very nice to your DD, suggesting she'll get fat etc.

All you can do is talk to your exDH and make it quite clear what his wife has been saying to your DD. If he is too much of a doormat to sort of his own wife, then there is nothing you can do TBH.

She should make up her own mind, and if this means her relationship with her dad suffers as he won't back her up, then that is HIS problem. Just support your DD, personally she is in the right, why the hell she she HAVE to see the B*tch :)

dd's dad knows everything that his wife has said to dd.he uses the same excuse taht she is jealous.she is alot older than him,and i think she left it too long before wanting a family with her ex and when she wanted a baby,something happened and she had lots of tests doen and they said she was infertile anyway.but i dont think she should take it out on dd.dd's dad told me to just ignore the things she says as thats what he does!i dont tolerate dd being nasty to anyone,but she is making her own opinions now,and i cant tell her what to think/say.i have kept biting my tongue over the years.she even threatened to hit me once,and i kept quiet!(not like me at all,but i just let it go because of the kids)when ex dp started seeing her,hed put her before dd,and i think dd picked up on that.hed always say he couldnt visit because he was going places with her.the last year hes been visiting more,but without his wife.dd told him not to bother bringing her.i think she miht have said something else to upset dd and tahst why dd wont even talk to her.but dd wont tell me.

buffy obviously something detrimental has been said by her to your dd
maybe having a word with your dd about her feelings and how to expresss them but without slagging her off iykwim to her dad would be better
teach her how to get her point across without being rude is what i am trying to say

hiyah scousey!!havent seen you for awhile!!
ive tried talking to her about it,but she just says 'i dont have to be nice,i dont like her,she doesnt like me,so why should i bother' (shes sat next to me now and i just asked her again.)
i just want everyone to et on.without the bitchyness and bickering.told dd's dad that he has to talk to his wife about it aswell.he said 'he cant'.wimp.

hiya buffster dd's dad will just have to have a word with his wife though before situation gets even worse imo
hope it all works out babe
xxx

i hope so aswell.dd shouted at me that i should be on her side.dont know what im supposed to say or do.ive told her it would be nicer if everyone could get on and she said 'well tell taht bitch tehn'!i was horrified!she knows i dont like them name calling or swearing,and for her to acll her a bitch,i def think something else has been said.might ring her up and have a word whilst ex is at work!

I think you should just let things be,with exP visiting without wife.At least DD is getting to see her Dad without the wicked step mother in tow.
Your DD is quite right,why should she make an effort if his wife isn't bothered.The woman is,after all the adult,if she can't make an effort to get on with your DD(who is the child) then she doesn't deserve a relationship with her.
I'm a stepmother to an 11stepDD myself,and have always made a great effort,you expect to if you marry someone who has children,it comes with the terratory.

That should be 11year old stepDD