How to deal with that phase of girls at school, age 7-9ish, leaving each other out & being nasty etc

[perceptionreality]

Dd is nearly 9. She seems to get on with most at school, generally but often comes home hurt by things that have been said to her by one particular girl at school and lately, she is talking in her sleep a lot about things that have upset her at school. This one girl started off by wanting to be her friend last and going out of her way to initiate the friendship and then turned on dd and started bullying her and encouraging others not to play with her. I got this sorted out by speaking to the teacher.

This year there seems to be a general atmosphere in her class where the girls are always bickering and leaving each other out, etc, breaking promises and so on. I am sure this is to do with their age and that things will settle down as they get older but I don't know what to say to dd when she comes home feeling hurt because someone promised to play with her and then didn't etc. At this time I do not think she is being bullied by anyone so I don't need to speak to the teacher I just need to help her protect herself.

Any advice? Has anyone read Queen Bees and Wannabes? I wondered if this book is appropriate for her age yet?

I used to simply tell DD to ignore them and find someone else to play with and I certainly didn't get involved.

This isn't a phase between 7 and 9 btw. DD is in 6th form now and I still hear the odd whine and moan about someone who's pissed her off by leaving her out or not doing what she said she'd do!

Yes, I have seen (and remember!) that it can go on for years but ime 6th form was not as bad. At this age they seem more fickle! When I was aged 13+ people didn't keep swapping friends all the time etc.

I don't understand why there has to be so much focus on one best friend anyway as that is what seems to cause the problem when previous best friend is suddenly unavailable.

I haven't read the book but this can crop up at primary school and beyond.

Encourage your DD to have more than one pal and ask her to treat other girls as she'd like to be treated. There's often a queen bee type who likes to play off girls against each other. It tends to blow over so unless it's malicious bullying try not to get roped in, certainly don't bother teacher about it. The children move on and the parents get stuck in old grievances. Sometimes it's better to say, "Well you know how X is, if you want to be friends with her, that's what she's like". With any luck eventually people see what X is like.

Thanks Donkey - this is what I've already said so hopefully I'm doing all I can. I don't speak to the teacher unless there is actual bullying.

The school should be doing group work with the girls about inclusion and supporting each other. Can you talk to the school.

I know that last year the teacher did a lot of this. I am not sure if the new teacher is continuing it, now. Last year they were told that as they are such a small class (8 children) they can't leave each other out of games and must expand their games so that everyone can play if necessary.

At parents evening the teacher said that my dd is a very popular girl who is never involved in conflicts. But I suppose these things can be subtle. The main thing that concerns me is dd talking so much about it in her sleep.