I don't like one of dd1's friends

[Mathsdidi]

Dd1 has just turned 13 and has a lot of lovely friends. There is one girl, however, that I just can't bring myself to like. There's nothing in particular that I can put my finger on as to why I don't like her, just a lot of little niggles.

So how do you deal with it when you don't like your dc's friend? So far I have been nothing but nice to this girl (even when she turns up uninvited or doesn't take hints about it being time to go home).

it is a shame you can't identify what it is about her that you don't like. Have they been friends a long time?

I think it's natural. We can't possible like everyone we meet and for now I would just be polite and nice and interested as I'm sure you are, and keep your 'mum radar' on for anything that might be a more serious reasons not to like her (bully, controlling etc).

We do regularly have chats about positive friendships and peer pressure.

They were aquaintances more than friends at primary school but since they've started secondary school (they are now year 8) this girl has been coming round more and more often. I think my biggest problem with her is that I can't see what on Earth they have in common other than living round the corner from each other.

"what on earth they have in common" can be very subtle

I used to think that of a friend of dd's, but encouraged the friendship anyway as I liked the mother and the family were going through some tough times

in those days I also thought the friend was very unsupportive of dd (who had problems of her own) and wondered if she was good for her.

Dd is now 16 and was talking the other night about how much this friendship means to her and how much it has meant over the years- lots of little instances of supportiveness that I had never known about.

She had recently had a big belly laugh with her friend about mean things they had done to each other over the years. Funnily enough, I had only got to hear about half of those things - and you can probably guess which half!

The main thing that came out of this was that I was really upset at the time of those (half-reported) incidents and half wanted the friendship terminated, but both the people whom it really concerned knew better. I am very glad I did not meddle. Dd's instincts were better than mine. And the girl is absolutely lovely!

Thanks for that cory. I am a bit worried about whether they are good for each other. I don't think they particularly do mean things to each other, it's all more subtle than that.

This girl just views the world in a different way to our family and it's a bit jarring to see dd1 spending so much time with her when they are so different.

Is it your Mum antennae twitching or does something about this girl remind you uncomfortably about a person in your life around that age?

Oops x post well you know if you try and encourage DD to drop this friend, DD will stay doggedly loyal to her. Maybe continue as you are, discreetly monitor this particular friendship?

Dd2 had a friend that I couldnt take to aswell.

The first time she came to our house she bellowed out of a bedroom window at someone she knew across the street.

I was not impressed and Dd2 knew how I felt, she continued to be friends with her but kept her as a low profile friend

A few other things happened over the years, including alcohol being available at a party for 15 yr olds and no apparent adult supervision when I did the pick up.

Dd2 has not seen her since they finished yr11 thank goodness

I would recommend being honest with your Dd, explain how you feel about the fact that your parenting style/family set up is unique to you and that we cant like everyone but that you are happy for her to chose her own friends. I think this is a great opportunity for you to have a proper girl to girl chat with your Dd.

Good luck[hsmile]

"This girl just views the world in a different way to our family and it's a bit jarring to see dd1 spending so much time with her when they are so different."

Can you give any details at all?

My take has always been that I would worry about bullying/dangerous behavior, but that I would always let my dc know that they are responsible for their own behaviour and I would never accept "corrupted by a friend" as an excuse: they know quite clearly what counts as acceptable behaviour in our family.

Otoh as someone who grew up very close to very lovely parents and sincerely believed well into adulthood that theirs was the only way, I am rather glad if my dc do get exposed to other ways of thinking and learn that ours is not the only way. I don't think that kind of "our family is right" was healthy at all. It simply took me too long to become an adult with my own tastes and my own interests.

As for the teen parties with alcohol, as per Ineedalife's post, 15yo dd has been to quite a few of those. I am afraid I hold her entirely responsible for staying sober; if she came home rat-faced it wouldn't ocurr to me to blame anybody else, not unless they had forced her mouth open and poured the stuff down with a funnel.