Worried about strangers baby

[Dolliedaydream]

I can't get this experience today out of my head and not sure what if anything I can do about it.

In tescos this afternoon I heard very loud continuous crying, definitely a baby but really distressed. The mum slowly passed by with a newborn and a girl of about three in a double trolley, baby in the blue reclining section, not a car seat, she didnt seem to be paying attention to the baby at all and was looking at the products. The crying continued and was really distressing, an employee on the shop floor said she heard the mum say to the baby 'well pull yourself up then'.

I went up to her, the baby was all crumpled up and clearly uncomfortable he had no blanket or warm clothing, I asked how old he was and she said a week, I said he sounds unhappy maybe he's hungry, she said he had been fed before he came out. I asked if she wanted to pick him up and I would push her trolley or the other way round, she said no it's fine. Then her mum appeared and said I can carry him if you want. She lifted him up and kind of slung him on her shoulder. It didn't look ideal but it was better and he was quiet.

I know we all have times when our baby is crying but this crying was like nothing I have heard before especially for a newborn and I couldn't ignore it like these two could.

Would it be a waste of time reporting this?, I don't know who she is, where she lives and she hasn't done anything exceptionally wrong but it is really bugging me, I keep thinking that child welfare is everyone's concern. So many people were looking and some of us talking, none of us doing.

Still with you goldenbear no harm is done by people checking these situations out and if all is well then good, but if not then a vulnerable life just beginning could be saved.

I'm glad people like OP care because people who assume oh, she's just tired etc etc and ignore it, well you could overlook when something is wrong. Nothing wrong with being concerned.

It would be the pull yourself up then comment which would get me

But the pull yourself up comment came third hand, from a shop assistant who kindly passed on the information to the OP! It could have been mid-heard, could have been addressed to the three yr old, could have been muttered under breath in sheer frustration... This is all just unbelievable.
And totally agree with everything MrsDV has said.

Mis-heard, not mid-heard, sorry.

Yes they also loose their lives as a result of CP services being ignorant of their predicament. They are better placed to make a judgement of they have information to hand surely?

If you think about it 2 people at least noticed something wasn't right, I.e the OP and the shop Assistant. With all due respect you weren't there either and your putting a different spin on what the OP saw but you cannot say that this is absolutely as it was - like me you were not their.

matilda there are people better placed but in all the well publicised cases of child deaths, it was not an expert who questioned, Victoria Climbie, it was a neighbour who questioned the scratches on her arm, baby P, hundreds of chances were missed by 'professionals'. The list could go on and on.
As before and as many others have said, yes it might be nothing, most likely it was a tired mum feeling stressed but what if it wasn't, not worth missing it in my opinion.

OP at least asked if the mum wanted help.

What I mean is that it's far to easy to turn a blind eye, better to be seen as interfering IMO.

And then gossiped about it with a member of staff. Thats not showing concern, thats just being horrible and superior imo.

Why is it unbelievable. I can't believe that people do notice when children are being mistreated, or that a morher's deteriorating mental health is not picked up on but it happens all the time.

Superior to what? Why would someone getting on with their shopping feel that need?

OP my experience is that when my dcs were little (and esp fatre dc2) is was extremely sensitive to any baby's cry, incl the ones that weren't my own dcs.
I remember being in a supermarket and really struggling and moaning (in my head) about a woman who didn't pick up her baby soon enough to my taste.
The reality was that I was very sensitive to the cries, much more than normal. My dcs being older now, the same sort of cries just makes me think 'Oh there is a baby crying. Oh there is a mum struggling'

Perhaps there is a bit of that going on there too and that's why these cries felt very different?

I could dismiss everything in the OP but the cold.
I really don't like the sound of the cold.

Another one with Mrs DeVere. There seem to be some big conclusions the OP is jumping to here - how does anyone know that the mum was addressing her 'pull yourself up then' comment to the baby? Even if she was, so what? It's an odd thing to say to a baby but not an awful, horrible thing. As for the lack of cold, I would have assumed the mum had stripped the baby down a bit because they were crying and babies overheat when they cry.

There's nothing to report here, absolutely nothing.

Lots of people on here giving their past experiences with baby/supermarket incidents (me included), but we are not abusers. But there are abusive parents out there and as it was pointed out on an earlier post, babies and young children cannot speak out, so if any member of public (professional or not) witness a scenario that they instinctively feel is not right, they damn well should report it! Two adults having a row is in my opinion, completely different. The young and vulnerable rely on people like the op to watch out for them.

I personally wouldn't care a less if I wrongly offended a Mum in a supermarket if I genuinely felt the child was at risk - and I'm NOT talking about a ratty, irritable, overtired mum, I mean if other things entered my radar that made me think there was more to it. OP felt there was, so she was right to question it. People on here are saying 'poor woman', well hopefully op was wrong and in that case, yes - poor woman. But what if op was right? Poor baby!! I know what I would rather.

I think regardless of specific situation from the op, I find it quite disturbing so many people would turn a blind eye in that situation!

I have to admit that when i first started reading the OP, i thought "Oh dear, another judgey MN post". But the more i read (including other people's comments) the more i realised that the OP has a very real and genuine concern that should not be dismissed. I found it impossible to hear my DS cry and not offer him some comfort when he was that age. In fact, even now at almost 2 yo i feel the same. However, there were times when i could not physically comfort him (such as when he was in his car seat in the back of the car) and had to let him cry.

But there are all kinds of possibilities here that we will now never get to the bottom of. Perhaps it was her first time out with two small children in tow. Perhaps she was shattered and having a very bad day. Perhaps it's the onset of PND. And yes, in the worst case, perhaps the poor baby doesn't stand a chance in life. My point is OP that, as hard as it is, you have to put this to the back of your mind. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it now and you just have to have faith that if it was something more than a mother having a bad day, someone in authority will pick it up and deal with it. You tried to intervene. Now you must move on because your conscience is clear -you are one of the very few people that, according to the replies you've had, has enough determination, consideration and care in you to confront something that most people would turn a blind eye to. Some people will call you nosey and interfering. The point is, you acted on your instincts for a very good reason and i think that says a lot about a person. Too often these days people sit back and end up wishing they had done something when they had the chance.

For the record, the fact that the grandmother was there probably indicates that the woman has asked for some help and company - probably because she is struggling with a toddler and a newborn. That is not the action of someone who doesn't give a damn. How did the little girl look to you? Did she look healthy? I have made silly comments to my DS over the months that i didn't mean, often when tired and irritable. The 'pull yourself up then' comment was told to you by a third person who has probably never had children and struggled with sleep deprivation.

My best friends baby, her first, had v bad colic. Almost nonstop uncontrollable crying that would crescendo to screaming on occasion. Tried every trick in the book, seen by loads of HV and GPs but just had to ride it out. Her baby crying and people staring/offering advice (aka being judgey) was enough for her to stop going out and she got PND feeling stuck in the house on her own with a colicky baby over winter.

My point is that whilst yes some children are subject to terrible abuse and yes, some of us might think this baby didn't have the right clothing on, 'stepping in' to situations you perceive to be dodgy can be quite harmful.

Surely the opposite is true as well though- never intervening for fear of offending someone, assuming that all crying babies are colicky babies. Equally, the OP said that when the Grandmother picked him up, 'he was quiet' which suggests he needed some comforting, some reassurance presumably as he was only 1 WEEK old. The mum sounds completely heartless ambling round a supermarket, with a 1 WEEK old baby in one of those horrible car seats, with scant clothing on. The baby gets picked up and she is quiet. What kind of mother does not care or not have time when the baby is only 1 WEEK old to not pick up the baby. It shows a particularly detachment and coldness which is worrying, especially if she had told the baby to get up.

It is such a sad situation I can't stand seeing this, usually in supermarkets where the parent is always telling off a child or ignoring a baby as if the child is their adversary. I had a situation yesterday in the checkout que where the only interaction this mum had with her 2/3 year old was negative. He wasn't doing anything but every time he dared to interact with her she snapped at him. He wanted to play with her key and he touched it. She said if you touch it again I'll slap your hands. Such a huge overreaction. He asked a question, she'd frown and snap the answer back. I did think what a shit life he's having. In all honesty she probably was to but that's not the child's fault.

Gosh Golden didn't you take down the womans details and call SS on her?

After all your over-reacting concern on here and bleating about society being responsible for child protection you then witness a child being threatened with violence and largely ignored and choose to do nothing.... [hhmm]

I think I'm being misunderstood- I'm not trying to bleat on about anything, I genuinely think it's sad.

I couldn't say anything because it is not illegal to smack a child however much I disagree with it and the mum threatened to smack him but didn't.I would not hesitate if it was an assault which is why i have intervened in the past. I'm not apathetic when it comes to a bit of bravery!

Upthread you suggested going to Tesco, getting the CCTV footage from the carpark, then reporting the lady in question to SS because she left her baby to cry as it may be an indicator of wider abuse.

Now you are saying that a woman threatening to smack her child in front of you is sad but you can't do anything because it isn't illegal. Do you not think threatening a child with a slap is an indicator that there could be violence going on at home?