Working parents. Is it always you who picks up your dc?

[orangeandlemons]

And are you pissed off with it.

Just wondered, dh and I both work. I'm a teacher, and I always have to pick yp dd. I have been on my feet for 9 hours by the time I pick her up, and just want to sit down for an hour.

But instead I have to rush home from work, collect her, do the whole teatime frenzy thing on my own. Dp works a long way off so can't get home in time (but he manages to sneak off early to go to the gym one day a week)

Just wondered if I was being a miserable cow, but I would just like someone else to do it sometimes

What is their business case for not letting him have flexible working?

He does mornings and you do evenings? That's what we do. It's not unreasonable.

Oranges if your DD stayed at the CM till 6pm one or two days could DH do that?

This is one of the things that puts me off going back to work (SAHM). I'd be responsible for all drop off & pick up. DP may sometimes be able to help depending on work but the system will have to work entirely without his input. I get exhausted thinking about it.

I do mornings and evenings, 3 children, 2 drop offs.

And yes, it does piss me off that I'm the one who either has to decline conferences, late meetings and anything out of hours, or has to be sure to negotiate it with DH, while he can just say 'I'll be in London for 2 days next week' and not a thing changes.

When I went back to work, DH changed his working practice. It isn't possible for me to do morning drop offs. I am the inflexible one really. The pay off for us is as a teacher I get school holidays.

But why is it that set up, night lark?

Op if you want to sit down for an hour you could come home a couple of days a week for an hour's sit down (or go to a coffee shop or something) before you get DD at 6pm, maybe?

There seems to be a lot of resentment going around. Are there other benefits that the non picking up partner brings? Do they contribute more to the household finances/do other jobs round the house/do more of the childcare at the weekend/provide emotional and physical support etc that evens it out?

Surely it's about partnership so if you feel another party for whatever reason is not pulling their weight and the pick up/drop off is impossible for them then there needs to be a discussion about what can be done to redress the balance or you might as well call it a day as that resentment can't be healthy.

I do all the drop offs/pick ups - I also earn twice as much as my OH, however, i am lucky to have a job that affords me enough flexibility to be able to do that. His doesn't, it's not an office job or a job that he can do later, he has to be there for the hours that he is meant to be. He does however do things in the evenings and will happily take the boys out at the weekend. I still do the majority of the childcare and housework etc, but it doesn't bother me - if it did I'd tell him. I know that if I ask him to do anything he will, but I like to do a lot of the stuff myself as I am a bit of a control freak as I enjoy it :)

But my job doesn't really give me flexibility either. It is such a struggle to get out on time, I always have so much to do

i see what you are saying O&L, but surely there is a child involved in this and you must have discussed how you were going to manage that? Or is it that it is more difficult than you thought or circumstances didn't work out the way you expected?

Maybe it's because I am a "older" parent, but I don't feel that I am sacrificing my career, I could have moved up into a higher job by now, but I chose not to so that I could maintain the advantage of the flexibility I have. My choice. If I had wanted to change jobs then my OH would have had to think about changing his. He loves his job, the pay is rubbish and there is no flexibility. I don't love mine but it pays ok and works for us a family. Everyone is a bit less stressed becasue of that but it would be nice to have more money for the extras. We do okay and kids are happy so that's fine for us. I appreciate that other people are either naturally more ambitious or are in a position where they really have no choice and that must be hard.

There is always a way though and the advantage is that kids grow and become more independent and life gets a bit easier.

I suggest that you sit down as a couple and work through what is possible and best for you all.

I do drop off and pick up as I work locally and DH doesn't. But, after a change in timetable since dd2 started school two weeks ago, I am now finding myself picking them up, doing dinner, washing up and doing the baths in the time it takes DH to come home. I cracked yesterday and told him I can't continue with this schedule as I'm exhausted. Not least because dd2 is being an absolute nightmare with me (as I'm the one taking her to school) and a little angel for daddy. He's now aiming to come home and do the baths.
We'll see how it works. Needless to say, I won't be doing a lot of childcare/housework this weekend!

You can't have flexibility in teaching. The only way to free up time in the day is to go part time! What I can do though is leave in time to pick up from after school club and then work at night. However, DH will organise pick ups when I have parents' evenings etc.

FallenModanna, that's whatI have to do.

When dd was born dh had a job where he worked from home. Then he got another job. They promised him flexibility, but then just put pressure on him to be there all the time. He has had the conversation several times. They agree to it, but then expect him to be there.

This is what pisses me off. We knew it would be an issue, and because of their twatishness it all falls on me. Now I can't even discuss it without dh getting arsey and saying it's not his faullt (which it isn'Tt)

Has he put in a written flexible working request?

But that's an advantage for us though, isn't it? Michael Wilshaw notwithstanding, it's fine for us to take work home instead of doing it at school.

DH and I both work full time, but DH works longer hours than me. DH normally drops off DC2, I drop off DC1 (they are in childcare in different directions). I collect both DC, prepare dinner for them, play and bath and do the bed time. DH comes home 6:20pm, cooks dinner for himself, eats by himself and is off to his best mate (i.e. laptop!)
He only does evening routine with DC if I have to go out.

I think I have spoiled DH by trying to do as much as I can by myself and I need to seriously tackle this issue. To add, where DH comes from, women work and do all house work and childcare, and men just work

I do drop off at school and nursery every day except (most) Fridays when DP works from home and takes DS1 to school. Sometimes DP works from home another day in the week and may do school drop off then, but can never 'guarantee' working from home. Drop off is 8am earliest. I still take DS2 to nursery. I pick up every day (2 days from after-school club (5.30pm latest), 3 days direct from school (3.25pm)). Occassionally I can 'negotiate' DP to do pick up of one or both if he is working from home or I have lots of notice of a meeting but as a previous poster said, the assumption is I am always doing pick up and if I need him to do it, I need to book it well in advance. Whereas he will casually mention that he will be late home on Tues next week, or is away for 2 days and does not feel the need to check with me first.

We recently had a chat where I said if we could agree he did pick up one day a week, eg Mondays then I could be available for meetings, business travel etc at work, as I currently have to leave at 4 or 2 to make those pick up times. He basically said that would be possible long term if I did more hours / got a promotion, but he doesn't see the point in my current job / current hours. I pointed out a promotion is pretty unlikely when I'm so unflexible! He also says he frequently uses 'I have to pick the kids up' as an excuse to leave work early (i.e. 4.30)! He works 50 miles away, leaves the house at 7am and drives, whereas I work 10 miles away and commute by train / bike but our actual journey times home are very similar. He also said that practically no-one else at his level with kids has a wife who also works so theres very little understanding that he should be doing anything childcare related.

And yes, OP I do find it very frustrating.

DH and I share it. We both commute into town (live in an outer London suburb) and work similar hours so there's absolutely no reason no to. One of us drops her off and the other collects her. That way, we can both be flexible about early/late meetings or going out with friends and having after work hobbies. I would be absolutely furious if he didn't pull his weight.

He and I had a serious chat when I first got pregnant about how we would manage parenthood and careers and he agreed that we would both drop to four days a week when I returned to work - and we were lucky enough to both be able to negotiate that. I honestly can't see us having stayed together if he wasn't willing to do his fair share in that regard.

And it's a win-win all the way for both of us. We both get a good mix of parenting/personal time while not having to make undue sacrifices in our careers. I know one of the other mums at DD's nursery argues a lot with her husband about pick ups and drop offs and the amount of time he spends at work when they both have similar careers and working hours - and I'm thankful to have a DH who stepped up to his responsibilities from the start and doesn't think he's doing me a massive favour in doing so.

DH takes kids to school 3 days a week, and I get to work at 08:00 - a 45 min drive away. He also takes two other kids, but either their Mum or Dad takes all of the kids the other two days. I pick up 3 days a week, and DH and DM the other two days when I finish at 5pm.

neither of us can pick the dcs up when I'm in the office, but I've chosen a job where I can work from home and pick them up a couple of times a week. (Previously I was in the same job as H).

however, I do understand your pain - even on the days I'm in the office, I get home first. I relieve the au pair/nanny, or when ds2 was in nursery, I was the one to get there to pick him up. it is a mixture of it becoming my responsibility because H couldn't/didnt to it, but also because I wanted to get home to see the dcs.
I would like it if just once a week, H could be the one coming home from work and facing the tea/bed/bath chaos!

confusedperson I hear you. My DH comes from Denmark where women are supposed to be oh so equal. The reality is very different. None of the wives at DH's level work if they have children. The ones that do work are not in careers but jobs and there is a huge difference between the two. I am so frustrated that they speak the party line but their actions are out of the middle ages.

I appreciate that you are fed up - nothing worse than feeling obligated to be somewhere EVERY day by a certain time. From your various posts though it sounds as though your DH does the drop offs every morning? Yes it's at the start of the day when technically he is fresh as a daisy but that can be equally restrictive and gives him no opportunity to make an early headstart, beat rush hour, attend an early meeting or conf call etc etc. Plus he has the hassle of getting a child dressed, breakfasted and out the door.
If you are essentially sharing the burden I think to be fair that you are just having a moan, which is fine and you are entitled to be fed up, but everyone has to deal with the loss of flexibilty once they have kids.
On the other hand, if you genuinely feel that the lack of flexibility for you in the evening is impacting you at work, assuming that you and your husband have broadly equitable salaries / opportunities to advance [sorry but it is cutting off your nose to spite your face imo if one of you is the major breadwinner and you are insisting on equal opportunities] you have several options:
Extend the hours with your childminder. Even by a couple of evenings a week should give you an opportunity "to be seen" in the office late/just go down to the pub with colleagues/go to the gym/sit in the car and snooze
Change jobs or negotiate more flexible arrangements so that you both have some variety in your routine and your DD sticks to her current core hours
Arrange a babysitter to do a weekly pick up and dinner - get out and meet your husband straight from work like the old days

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - I suspect you are just having a moan after a bad day rather than it being a real issue. If you are like me, you don't take advantage of the opportunity to leg it in the morning but run around like a blue arsed fly sorting crap out and being sucked into the morning routine but then HAVE to leave bang on time in the evening. Back at work for 18 months now and still not learning

oranges you have my complete empathy

What do you want to do? do you want to do drop offs and pick ups, just need extra breathing space?

Can OH do other supporting jobs instead that aren't time specific - the washing, ironing, making packed lunches, setting out clothes?

How long before your little one starts school or has her early years funding? Could you request flexible work to make this happen? What is your future work pattern likely to need to be and can you have short term pain to ensure you can have that future pattern.

If you want to work full time can you earn enough to support the family? This was quite an effective tactic to approach managers with, I got bumped up a grade when DH was stay at home carer and my new found desperation commitment got me placed on a plum project.

The only way I could get DH to appreciate the tight schedule at one point was to literally walk him through my time sheet so he could see despite leaving "early" and arriving home "late" I was tight on time every day.

If your DH has already had a flexible working request refused, you can appeal it and propose a different start time - make sure it works with the business so a later start would mean greater office cover in the evening.

You don't seem to be someone who gets easily stopped by barriers so I'm sure you can find a solution through this.

Have you a local college that has people studying early years child care, if you need ad hoc childcare that may be a useful source for you?

wants2besupermum That sounds really shit. It's bad enough to feel judged for not working the presenteeism culture but to actually get laid off as as result, well, that makes me glad I'm not in the US.

I had quite a frank chat with dh last night on the back of this thread as I felt, in a way, my job was seen as a hobby, not a significant part of my life or a necessary thing for our household (we could just about struggle by financially but I might mentally implode if I didn't work). I have two open evenings (I'm a teacher) in the next two weeks and dh was talking as if I could somehow get out of it as he has two client evenings on those dates. I'm also a manager where I work and said that if I tried to sidle out of my commitments for whatever reason, regardless of whether it's childcare or not, my name and reputation would be mud. I wouldn't do it anyway. I told him if he wanted to do his client evenings (drinking in a pub in London's West End, btw, not meetings) then he would need to be the one to speak to our nanny, not me, and organise overtime.

I'm really proud of what I've achieved in my career and it is totally alien to me that dh's colleagues all have wives who are SAHMs. Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends who are SAHMs, and I'm not judgemental over their choices as it's totally right for them, but it's just not for me.

I feel like I do two full time jobs and no real understanding from dh how hard it is to do both to a decent standard. Dh is generally fantastic, and a great dad, but unless I decide to go on strike, I don't think he will ever get how hard it is doing both. He has a high pressured job but he has the ability to compartmentalise things, whereas I can't and am constantly doing a juggling act.