Working parents. Is it always you who picks up your dc?

[orangeandlemons]

And are you pissed off with it.

Just wondered, dh and I both work. I'm a teacher, and I always have to pick yp dd. I have been on my feet for 9 hours by the time I pick her up, and just want to sit down for an hour.

But instead I have to rush home from work, collect her, do the whole teatime frenzy thing on my own. Dp works a long way off so can't get home in time (but he manages to sneak off early to go to the gym one day a week)

Just wondered if I was being a miserable cow, but I would just like someone else to do it sometimes

'Why does everyone assume that childcare should be the responsibility of the mother?'

Why should anyone live up to that assumption if there are alternatives?
The child should never be made to feel an inconvenience or a burden for something that isn't within their control. Better a paid employee than a harassed and resentful parent, if the choice is possible.

BonnieBumble I don't think everybody assumes that! My DH will be doing drop offs and pick ups 4 days a week because nursery is from 8-6 and I work an hour and a half away. He'll also be working from home one day a week so he can have her during the day (and will obviously have to make up missed work during weekend/when she's in bed etc). Alas, I wish I could work from home or be closer (not much call for NHS psychologists to work from home though )

Whoever finishes earliest picks dd up, whoever starts latest drops her off in our house. Thankfully we work set hours, no real staying later unless a real emergency (hotel and school), and I work shifts so dh will always pick her up at 5.30 if Im.on a late or I get her at 4.30 if on an early.

In your situation, I would like dh to do one pick up a week and you do the morning stuff knowing you have some downtime after work.

DH was the one doing everything and I hired help for him. Dinner was either reheated from the freezer (homemade at some previous point) or from the local restaurant where I had a deal with them to deliver a balanced low fat meal at 6pm. The girl who came in to help would put DD through her bath and read to her. DH hates bathtime even now which is odd because DD loves going in the bath.

I was laid off at the end of April and been out of work since. I still reheat dinner rather than cook something up each night.

Never, but then we have a nanny! But before we had a nanny dh used to do all pick ups because I work until late at night.

For a brief time we had a lovely childminder who not only picked ds up every morning, she dropped him back again at 6pm. Sadly she had to retire due to ill health, but she was amazing and I practically hugged her when she suggested doing it that way. NO more rushing around to do drop offs and pick ups!

I do it every day and have done for the last 7 years and will be doing for the next 7. I work full time but finish to pick kids up and then do some work from home in the evening. It doesn't bother me, I make dinner every night but the OH clears the kitchen and does the dishwasher so I'm happy enough - I'm lucky my job allows for me to do that and I like the time we have before dinner to catch up on the day.

I work from 8 til 5 3 days a week so those days either my dad or dh drops both kids off at school and nursery. It depends on what shifts my dh is on that day. Evenings either dh, me of my dad pick up from after school club and nursery. I can get get there from work on time just but by the time I've picked dd up, then walked with her to get get brother from nursery and then walked 20 mins home in the cold it's quite late (about 6.20) by the time I can get home and get tea on. (if my dh is working a late shift it's just me and the kids until he gets home around eleven) whereas it's a 5 minute drive for my dad to get to school and nursery and then another 5 minutes for him to drive them to my house where I can be at home waiting with the tea already on by the time he drops them off so if my dads free and dh is working he often very kindly offers to pick them up and drive them home.

DH drops DDs off at school. They get the train or bus home.

I have very little to do with their arrangements.

At the moment I mostly do it because I work every day 5 minutes cycle ride away from school. Dh does it sometimes if working from home. In the past he has done it more when he worked similarly close. I don't mind doing it. Dd3 gets tea after school club so we come home and collapse. I also do the pickup by bike. Cycling is so much better than walking. Takes less time and less strain on your feet and legs after running round all day at work.

No, I do all the morning drop-offs and one pick-up, DH does two pick-ups and any drop-offs that I can't manage, and my parents usually do the other two. If my parents are away or busy etc, we just share it between us - whoever is more able to do the pick-up does it! Though we're both lucky to be able to work flexibly, I know!

When we had one DC and both worked we shared pick ups based on who was out of work earliest that day. Then DD2 was born and I stayed hone for 2 years so did all pick ups. Now have just started working and studying part time. DH drops off two mornings (and is therefore home late) and picks up one evening (therefore gets up early, showers and leaves) It works for us. I had to have a frank discussion with him though as he seemed initially oblivious to the fact he would need to get stuck in with the childcare...

WofflingOn, it did feel embarrassing when I'd turn up for things like Parents evening. Once we were running late so I went in whilst DH parked the car.
The teacher came out, looked round then went back in again and she didn't know who I was.
I do know I'm lucky, I couldn't do my job without DH.

I'm lucky in the sense that I have a live out nanny but she has to leave at 5.45pm so I have to get back for then. I find it really hard to leave at 5pm (I work in W London but live in SW London) to get back in time. If I wasn't able to drive, I wouldn't be able to do it in that time (and sometimes, due to traffic, I don't). DH works in central London and rarely gets back before 7.30pm and often not until much much later. He has no real option to leave to get back for 5.45pm. When I quizzed him about what the women in office do who have kids he said he doesn't work with any . When I asked him about the wives/partners of the men he works with who have kids, he said they all, except me, are SAHMs .

It really irks me that I have to leave earlier than him in the morning and have to do more work at home once the kids are in bed. I don't think I get overtly judged at work for having to leave at 5pm, but my female line manager (same age but no kids) always seems to not really understand why i have to leave 'so early'. She doesn't mean it in a horrible way, but she just doesn't get it. She tries to - she offered to have line management meetings at my house (she lives quite close) to make things easier. Sweet, but erm, no thanks. It just typifies the fact she really doesn't get it.

Dh thinks he takes charge of the kids in the morning, so feels absolved of any guilt at not being there for the evening stint, but in reality, ds1 comes and sits in the bathroom while I'm in the shower, sits next to me trying to put my make up on and trying to brush my hair whilst dh faffs around downstairs making coffee and sloshing some milk into a bottle for dd2, who by this time has woken up and is crying in her cot. Usually 10 mins late, I go and get dd2, let her crawl around my feet while I try to wrestle my knickers off her, all the while shouting for dh to bring up the milk. Cue the groundhog argument...Dh finally arrives back upstairs and then promptly gets in the shower. Not wanting to leave dd2 crawling around unsupervised, I plonk her in the bathroom with dh who tells me to put her back in the cot (I won't) while he has a shower (he's quite happy to let her cry). I end up being late to leave every morning. Repeat ad infinitum....

On mat leave so all me at the minute but when working whilst I will do the majority DH and I did have a good balance - he would do morning I would do pick up - or he would so both so I could do a long day and finish earlier in the week later in the week when he would not be around to do either drop off or pick up. I do think where possible it should be a joint effort

I drop dd2 off at the cm and pick her up again every day. That's because I have the car to get to work while dp walks so it does seem unfair for him to have to walk an extra 30 mins to drop her off or collect her as part of our day-to-day routine when it's only 5 mins extra on my journey. He does it if needed, which is usually only a handful of times a year when I've got parents' evenings or if the car needs to go to the garage.

No, we share and help each other out. Same with housework and cooking, bathing and bedtime. DH spends every Monday afternoon with DS through a flexible working arrangement and I pick him up a couple of evenings, though I mostly do the drop offs unless we're car sharing. We both work full time and couldn't do it if either of us shouldered all the weight. I make most of the childcare arrangements and DS helps me stick to them.

MrTumblesCrackWhore I know what you mean.... I have a DH who thinks he takes charge too. I hired help after DD wasn't put in a bath for two nights in a row. She gets filthy at daycare without a daily bath where she can soak for at least 15mins she gets terrible diaper rash.

Also, I lost my job in part because senior managers couldn't understand how I did it because none of their wives worked. One told my collegue that he didn't think it was right to become a mother until they make manager. I am in the US so while the law protects me from them firing me it doesn't protect me from them laying me off. So frustrated.

Yes it´s always me. I work in a school so am lucky that I leave earlier than my husband who has to work until 8pm. But I am up at 6am to get their stuff ready for school as well as my own bits done in the house. After a full day at work I collect the kids from my folks, take them to and from sports/activities (most days) then go home and do the feeding, bathing, homework etc. Husband arrives home to clean, fed and sleepy children and thinks it happens by magic (´hmm´ smiley face that I cant work out how to insert lol!). He cooks dinner for us (hallelujah something I DON´T do!) then promptly passes out on the sofa while I work til gone midnight on the computer as I am setting up my own business and it´s the only time I get to myself to do it.

Mostly me

Ex drops off and picks up on a Monday (his day off) and sometimes on a Tuesday is I have to be out early for a meeting.

I do drop off and pick up Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning. My darling friend who I love more than life itself picks up on Fridays and gives them their tea.

TBH the drop off is usually no trouble. I have to juggle my diary like an utter loon to make pick up. Every single day :(

If I phoned ex in an emergency and asked him to fetch them, he would do it but he would act as if I'd asked him to donate a kidney

Alternate - one drops off at childcare, one picks up from childcare - then the next day we swap over.

Timefor, the only reason it is "more acceptable" for women to leave early is because more men don't do it. And the only way to fix that is for more men to do it. Plus, when you say "more acceptable", I am pretty sure that the woman's employer will note that she can never stay late etc and that will have an impact on her career progression - compared to a lower impact on both careers if both parents stayed late sometimes and left early other times.

Oh I'm mightily p1ssed off but not much I can do. DP works in a different city so I do:

Drop off at school
Go to work (10 mins away - not so bad) Work through til 15:00
Use my lunch hour to pick kids from school and drop at mum's
Go back to work
Work til 18:00 ish
Pick kids up
Go home, cook dinner
Tidy up
Kid's bedtime

So by Friday, I am tiiiiiiiiired.

Sorry but your DH can and should do a pick up once a week.

He can go into work early for the gym so can manage it for his own child.

No way in my house would DH get away with that! (we both work - well I'm on mat leave but back next week and we're very equal in this house).

DH gets DD dressed and takes her to school in the morning, I collect her from after school club in the evening. I think I've got the better deal.

We have talked! He imply cannot leavework early enough. He has repeatedly asked for flexible working, but they won't let him have it, and he works 50 minutes drive away.

The only way he can do it, is if he goes in early, which then leaves me to do mornings instead of evenings.

The problem is his twatish company, but I just get pissed off that it's always me. But I am obviously not the only one.