Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

Thank you. snape and everyone else. I am trying. Doctors tomorrow. I am going to take my black book with me, which is my book of "flashbacks, nightmares, memories and fears" and read some of it to the doctor and see what happens from there. Also ask doctor about freedom programme and counselling as well. Though i have already asked my social worker about these. I am going to push for all the possible help i can get. The social services also want to go through my past with me about my childhood and i am a little but dazed by that thought cos i am scared of the memories it will bring back and know there will be tears.

good luck, be honest. x

Thank you. I am taking my black book and reading straight out of it, its what i have written with the intention that no one would ever read it, so has my thoughts etc and fears in it. SCARED STUPID IF I AM HONEST. Dont want to break

Well done, and good luck. Don't be scared, This is all things that will help you become a better mother to your boy.
Take a deep breath, and do it for him.

Good luck DistressedMum. I hope you find the support you need, please come and post here if you run into obstacles and maybe some mn-ers will advise you as to what to do. People saying "no" or "waiting list" or "cuts" or whatever: don't accept it, find strategies around it, mn will help you. Very best of luck.

Good luck DistressedMum.

Wishing you luck OP, I hope your son is coping okay.

I went today but the doctor can't do referrals because I am a new patient but I have an appointment to go back Tuesday and I asked for the help which is the first step right? I feel relieved. I admitted it and that's an improvement before I just denied it. I am looking at it as the sooner I get myself well, the sooner I can become a good mum and the sooner I hope little man will come home.

Its a good start DistressedMum.

Well done DistressedMum. Can I suggest that you see those things that you've started today, as things for you, and try not to link them too closely to your DS? I worry that if, after all your efforts, SS still don't think that you can provide your DS with the parenting he needs, you could abandon all your efforts to get help for you.

Regardless of what happens with your DS now, you will be in a much better position to offer him support, love and a relationship if you get help.

Well before I can look after him I need to get me well. I should've admitted it a long time ago, but I didn't and this is the consequence. I can't change what has happened but I can do everything in my power to put it right. It's all I can do. I decided to take my black book with me to the doctors and counsellors and any other appointments. SS want to explore my childhood and that scares me, but it has to be done.

I am pleased social services want to do that. It shows they have picked up on things........

Is that a good thing or not though? Is it really advisable to open old wounds that i thought were healed? Cos i am not so sure. But if its necessary i will do it but now worried that i might breakdown, but it might help them understand me better and how to help me become the mum my little boy deserves.

I've been following your thread from the start - I hope everything works out for the best. How's your little boy coping? And is hrs in foster care or did they let your fiend look after him in the end?

Sorry about typos

They have to assess my friend so he is still in foster care, they will only assess them if he cant be returned to me. My DS seems happy enough, which makes me feel both relieved and a little sad, i was hoping he would miss mummy. He always says bye and soon to me, which of course makes me cry, just as well it is literally as he leaves, so that as soon as he is gone i can break down and cry I havent been crying in front of him, apart from when asking the foster carer to tell my little boy that mummy loves him of a night just before he goes to bed. Other than that, after the first session i havent cried in front of him, but before/after he has gone. But thats natural right? It feels worse when i get home and see his toys in the conservatory, and his clothes, and its so quiet, too quiet and empty. I miss him. But i need to become a good enough mum and bringing him home now would only be for my own needs.

But surely, op, the point is that your wounds HAVEN'T healed. Or have I misunderstood entirely? You mustn't be frightened of breaking down and crying because that IS healing.

I just worried about housing benefit, being i will be on my own now, in a two bedroom property, and my rent is 800pound a month, I am entitled on my own to 600pounds, but i can make that up Which is one less worry. I know I need to let them know soon, but i was going to ask my social worker if there is additional help under circumstances. Does anyone know? I have no idea, and no credit at the moment.

Maybe they havent, maybe thats what scares me most is that the wounds i thought were healed havent and they are just plastered over?

You can carry on claiming benefits for 12 weeks I think but you should inform all relevant agencies.

I was going to talk to my social worker so benefits dont just fob me off with bare minimum, so i know my entitlements if you get what i mean, I just didnt know if anyone had any experiences, its only been a week since the interim care order, so its not like i am stupidly late in informing them. This months rent should be safe though, cos it is paid in arrears right? I know this sounds a little selfish that i am thinking of this, but i am trying to keep a roof over my head so my son has a home to come back to and i dont see being homeless improving the situation. I am trying to be practical as well.

You will get Child Benefit for 8 weeks after your DS was placed in care. Unfortunately, Housing benefit decision makers guide states:

"9098 A child or young person who is not living with the claimant should not be treated as a member of the same household1 if they are

1. being looked after by an authority under relevant legislation" Link

The interim care order means the Local Authority has Parental Responsibility for your DS at the moment. From my reading of the various information, that means two things with regards housing benefit:

1. Your DS won't be counted when you're assessed for benefit.
2. As you are under 25, you will only be entitled to the 'single room with shared facilities' rate of Local Housing Allowance.

Sorry

However, you can apply for a Discretionary Housing Payment to top up the amount, and the best thing to do is to ask the Social Worker for their support in applying, on the basis that if your DS is returned to you, he needs the stability of a familiar home.

As your DS doesn't live with you, right now, you will nolonger be eligible for Tax Credits for him, and you'll have to come off Income support and go onto Job Seeker's Allowance.

I'm so sorry, that sounds so grim, regardless of all the issues surrounding the care of your DS.

Hi op

Also read your thread fr beginning and posted a few times. I also think that you will have to open old wounds to try to heal properly, hoping in the long run you ds being taken in care for will have a really positive out come for you all and will help you focus on getting better yourself

I wish you all the best DistressedMum

I am thinking its for the best, not because I won't fight to get him back but because I can deal with my issues and if I do end up having a breakdown at least my little boy won't see it. (gulp) I am starting to think the old wounds are some of the most toxic especially those I haven't admitted to. My ex wasn't the only one to sexually abuse me, and family friend did when I was 13. Not actual sex but touching and stuff. I remember him saying that he would never do that til I was 16. This is the first time I have ever admitted to it. Even when asked by my ex husband I denied it. I should've got help back then, I should've known holding it in wouldn't help. God, I am going to have to go through it all aren't i? Maybe breaking me into pieces will mean they can put me back together again?