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Parenting

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Original poster

At what age to do 'the talk'

83 replies

Imlostwithoutahope · 28/08/2012 09:56

Can anyone just give me some advice on the birds and bees chat.

Dd is 8 and in sept will be in year four. I know some of her friends have started getting pubic hair and dd has started sweating and smelling a bit of Bo so it's probably time I spoke with her about periods. However I don't know how much detail to go into. Can anyone suggest any good age appropriate books or advice please?

Also at what age do I tell her about sex? She knows a baby comes from a vagina but when she asked how it gets there I kind of skirted round the topic and just said it grows there, therefore she has no idea about the fathers part. She watches a lot of discovery so has seen animals etc mating or giving birth but I don't think she's linked it together. I don't want to tell her if she's too young.

Thanks

OP posts:

CasperGutman · 29/08/2012 17:18

In my opinion she should already know this, not in great detail but the basics. I can't remember my parents ever telling me how sex worked. As far as I know I always knew. To my mind, that suggests they got it right.

If you're asking yourself whether it's time to have "The Talk", you're asking the wrong question. "The Talk" only exists in silly TV shows and films as far as I know, as in the real world sensible people tell their children bit-by-bit, in age-appropriate levels of detail.

panicnotanymore · 29/08/2012 17:59

My mum cornered me when I was in the bath, armed with an O'Level biology text book open on the page with a diagram of a female dissected rat. DON'T do that

LaviniaLooselegs · 29/08/2012 18:00

I tried answering the questions without adding any extraneous information and that seemed to keep my DS happy. We've always tried to be pretty open and unembarrassed although I did love it when my DS realised that you might be naked for sex and asked "So did daddy think 'I must get my willy ready for the sex occasion'"

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soaccidentprone · 29/08/2012 18:42

Most children are very matter of fact about the whole thing. I think I just said something along the lines of mummy's make eggs and daddy's make seeds. One of daddy's seeds mixes with mummy's egg and that starts a baby growing.

Don't get embarrassed (of you can possibly help it!). Only you can know how well you dd absorbs facts and how much information to give her at any one time. But I agree with CasperG. Just answer questions factually as and when she asks.

DS2 (age 10) knows a bit more ie the seeds are really called sperm etc, but they do sex education in Y6.

DS1 (at age 6) asked if he could come and watch DS2 being born. I didn't say no, but just put him off by saying it takes hours and gets really boring and it might be at night and you'd be really tired

WoodlandHills · 29/08/2012 18:48

Oh GOD

I am dreading this! dc are 3 and 6 and starting to already ask questions :( which i am batting away at the moment

I just remember being hideously, hideously embarassed when my own mum tried to tell me about stuff, and she clearly was too, urgh

JustSpiro · 29/08/2012 19:24

Wait until you've got whichever book you opt for if you're a bit nervous about doing it. I had an opportune moment to raise the subject with DD, but because it was a spur of the moment thing I tried to wing it and ended up making a complete hash of it.

When she asked me to explain it again about a week later we sat down with the book and it was fine.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 29/08/2012 19:26

IMO it is MUCH much easier to have a constant conversation.
Mummy you have a nosebleed from your bum... no darling it is a period because I am not having a baby I have a period each month

blah blah.

if you tell them when they are not that interested you will find they absorb the information and it isn't a big talk.
WoodlandHills if you start now there will be nothing embarassing abotu it just very matter of fact.

woollyknickers · 29/08/2012 19:33

I also went for the 'drip feed' approach with my DD - she started asking questions when she was about 3.5-4 years, if I remember correctly...

(...of course I remember, it was completely out of the blue while I was trying to negotiate a particularly challenging roundabout. This is still her favoured time to ask me Important Questions That Must Be Answered Now! ).

All I've done really is add a bit more detail every time she asks, which she's happy with for a few months. Then she asks again. Simples!

louisianablue2000 · 29/08/2012 20:12

Despite being heavily pregnant the DDs (3&4) have not yet asked how the baby got in my womb. We have 'How your body works' and there are four pages on babies, they love the baby growing pages but don't care at all about the penis in vagina pages. I grew up on a farm and TBH we always knew what a bull was for and so we never had 'the sex talk', it just became obvious to us what men were for (Mum has confirmed that they never officially told us, although she did get me 'have you started yet' so I knew about periods). We're answering questions as they arise, they know the baby will come out between my legs (we've watched some videos as well, pre-checked for anything scary) and they have been told the proper words for all the holes there but aren't fussed (yet DD1 knows all about elements and will ask if something has carbon in it regularly? Strange what captures their imagination).

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 29/08/2012 21:41

I think if you are embarrassed telling them, then they will pick up on that and maybe feel embarrassed too. All of mine have been having the talk since about 3. If you are frank and lay out the basic facts they will just accept them.

Children should know these facts aren't embarrassing, and are in fact very normal.

My eldest (10 next month) ran into my bedroom the other morning and proudly showed me her new underarm hairs, and said, "I'm growing up aren't I?".

I recommend Mummy Laid an Egg too. It got across to my elder two very accurately how the seed gets inside the woman without being too graphic or scary. It's very funny. They read it at around 7.

parabelle · 29/08/2012 22:00

Think I need to read some of the books recommended. Do they really get underarm hair at 10? God, really not ready for all this.

girliefriend · 29/08/2012 22:19

My dd is 6yo and knows about periods due to her habit of wandering into the bathroom whenever I am on the toilet and being overally interested in whatever I am doing really should lock the bathroom door she knows you need a man and a woman to make a baby but hasn't yet thought to ask about the details!! My approach will be honesty and frankness but will wait till she asks!!!

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 29/08/2012 22:23

She has some pubic hair too. All girls are different in how/what age they develop, but it can be as young as 8.

The biggest shock for me is her growing 5 cm and 2 shoe sizes over the school holidays! She's eaten us out of house and home and had to have new clothes

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 29/08/2012 22:25

I think I'm going to get the hairs in funny places book, dd1 is pretty chilled about it but it can't hurt to have further reassurance that she's normal :)

MiauMau · 29/08/2012 22:25

Well, I can only tell you what my experience as a daughter and older sister. My mum never had one big talk with us just like it was never a skirted about or taboo theme around our house, it wasn't even talked about as the birds and the bees! My mum was always very honest and upfront with the information, and as we got older (at least with me and my sister) she started peppering our sex talks with her own experiences... coff, coff... I've always been very accepting but, there are things that a daughter oughtn't know!
When I first had my period at 11, she gave me "the girl guide" and told me to come to her if I had any questions.
I'm hoping to go about things with my DS pretty much in the same way... well, maybe without the graphic details :o

drjohnsonscat · 29/08/2012 22:29

I had part of this talk with my DD (5) last night because she wandered into the bathroom while I was in there. Like other posters, we've had the conversation numerous times but she forgets! Last night I mentioned vaginas (I'd obviously not used that word before) and she said "Oh that's such a nice word - much nicer than willy!" I was delighted - no female-body-hating here

Devora · 29/08/2012 23:20

My dd is 6 and we started birds and bees stuff when she was about 3/4, I think. I just started discussing it as soon as she seemed interested. Now that she's reading well I'm planning to get her a book so she can fill in any bits I may miss or be confusing about.

Original poster

Imlostwithoutahope · 29/08/2012 23:26

Well I've ordered some books and will have a read to see how much detail is in them. I'm ok with the periods and pubety and will just tell her when she next asks.
The mummy has an egg and daddy has seed clearly isn't cutting it with her as tonight she said ' yes but how does it get there' I'm a wimp and changed the subject.
She watches so many nature programs about birth and mating that I'm sure she pob already knows and is asking me for reassurance so I really do need to get over it and just tell her.

She freaked out and thought it was gross when she found out her dad sleeps naked and that must mean his willy touches me when I'm sleeping:)

OP posts:

HannahOfSurrey · 29/08/2012 23:27

My nephew is approaching 11 and started showing signs of puberty so my sister went to the library and got him a book on puberty. A swift pre-read by her soon revealed it was far to graphic and descriptive for a boy of his age group!

She has found it difficult to find something that is age appropriate.

I'll let you know if she has any success.

inchoccyheaven · 30/08/2012 01:27

Hannah the how my body works by Usbourne is a really good book for that age. My 2 boys have had it since ds2 was about 8 ( now 10) and I know ds1 seems to use it as a reference for the things he is hearing on the playground now he is at secondary school.

Neither of my boys ever asked where babies came from etc, and last year I did ask ds1 ( now 12) if he knew and he said no and didn't want to so I left it. Now he has been at secondary school a year he has done basic sex ed and picked up a hell of a lot more from other boys so I do just check with him if he really understands what it all means and so far so good. Ds2 hasn't shown any interest yet but I'm sure when he goes to secondary school he will.

The only embarrasing bit now is getting a knowing look or comment from ds1 when he has over heard us having sex

Wiggy29 · 30/08/2012 08:42

My son had a vague idea and I've just answered things honestly when he's asked. He's aware of (and seen me use ) tampons etc and know I get sore boobs around that time so not to dive on my tummy etc. I think it's good that he knows and like another poslster said, just sees me getting on with things.

There have been many more questions of late as I'm expecting again and I've just been honest (he's7), from the grin on his face, he obviously knew bits already (such as where the seed comes from etc).

Might look up some of the books mentioned though... sound interesting.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/08/2012 09:31

Just marking my place, DS is 8 and just about to move into year 4 too.

Will come back later and read the whole thread .

BirdyBedtime · 30/08/2012 10:09

I had the conversation a good few months ago with DD who was still 6 at the time. We'd previously talked about special cuddles and she knows (in sketchy detail) about periods due to asking questions when I was pregnant with DS and me not being able to ever go to the loo without company!

She and DS were in the bath and DS asked how babies got into mummy's tummies (a carer at nursery was heavily pregnant at the time). I said special cuddles, but DD then asked 'but how do cuddles make a baby'. I was caught off guard but just matter of factly explained the basics in a sort of 'well it sounds really silly but daddys put their willies into the mummy' way. She listened, asked a few questions which I answered honestly and then that was that, and she hasn't mentioned it since. DH was listening from outside and said he would have made a complete cock-up of it if she'd asked him!

I want to be honest and open with the DCs as everything I learned from school and friends as my parents never talked about that sort of thing.

cuteboots · 30/08/2012 12:56

My little boy is 8 and a bit and goes up to year 4 next week. Weve had a few chats about men having different bits to ladies and where babies come from but he just says "ewwww" and walks away . I know they have just started covering this subject at school so Im expecting the questions. Im try to be as honest as possible as I know when I was growing up it was never really mentioned and I had to ask my auntie.

maybeyoushoulddrive · 30/08/2012 16:15

Marking my place as dd(9) just doesn't ask questions and doesn't really want to know if I ever start 'the conversation'. It's all very well saying they should know these things but if you have an uninquisitive child then the opportunities just don't occur! I have ordered 'What's happening to me?' 'The Body Book' and 'How Your Body works' so hopefully she'll be interested in those and I'll have a way in

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