Support for a FF mum

[MyGoldenNotebook]

I'm posting here out of desperation. I am absolutely not trying to begin a ff/bf debate. I am extremely unhappy that I gave up bf too easily after two weeks, and now suffering from terrible feelings of shame and self-hatred which I know are completely pointless and spoiling this precious precious time with my beautiful, perfect eight week old daughter.

But I'm not doing well. I'm bursting into tears a lot - including in public - and feel very depressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a kind of minor breakdown as nothing I think makes any sense (apologies to people who have really had break downs - I'm just not sure how to express myself on this point). It's so self-destructive. I feel as though I have no right to enjoy my dd and that I'm a selfish bitch. I feel as though I will never like myself again.

I tried using google to find sources of support but the best I could find was 'formula is not liquid poison'. Of course it's not liquid poison! What a bloody stupid thing to say.

I can't talk to my friends in RL about this too much as they all bottle fed and I don't want to upset them as it is hard to explain that this is completely personal. I do not judge other ff mothers at all. I certainly don't think that they shouldn't enjoy their babies. I don't think I'm being logical.

But despite giving myself sensible pep talks all the time, all I see everywhere is breast is best and I'm so ashamed. I feel like I'm being stared at when I ff in public. I feel like my SIL who is bf-ing her 12 week old (and who I like very much) must think I'm ignorant and find my behaviour incomprehensible. I'm actually trying to avoid her which is also mad.

This is so pointless and unhealthy. I need to move on. But how?

PS I really hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything I have said. That is not my intention at all - and I'm not quite myself at the moment.

Hello, hope you're feeling better. I have been seeing a psychotherapist as I have similar feelings about the reasons I ff. I found her on counselling-directory website. I pay for it myself and its been life changing.

I am in the same boat, i.e., tried to EBF for a few weeks, then was expressing until about a month ago (when DS was 14 weeks), and eventually the whole situation exploded in my face when I became obsessed with DS's feeds, how much he was having, worrying he was not having enough and that he would die of malnutrition. Basically, all these feelings stemmed from the immense guilt I felt when it became obvious I wasn't going to successfully EBF DS (despite attending numerous BF clinics and paying for a BF advisor to come to my flat to try and help me). Of course, when I was pregnant I thought I would blissfully EBF and bought all these BF tops/dresses, Lansinoh cream, breast pads, etc. and only bought 2 bottles thinking "Pah, what do I need them for?" The thought that BF is not as easy as it sounds literally never entered my head. In my head I would blissfully feed DS and that was that.

Thanks to my HV and GP I managed to avoid the situation from getting more serious (I was diagnosed with mild PND). Since the beginning of August DS has been exclusively FF and we are enjoying our special feeding time together now, rather than me pumping away 6x a day and worrying about feeds (I still had to supplement with FF even then).

However, as another MNetter said earlier on, the inability to EBF needed to be mourned, as though somebody had died. For weeks I literally couldn't look at my breasts, as each time I would think what a failure I was, together with my breasts, for not being able to provide my DS with what they were designed for - feeding him.

I still feel guilty for buying formula, I still flinch inside of me when I talk to mums who say they EBF (and feel jealous of them) - silly, really. But only because I wanted to EBF so, so, much. In the end I had a choice: staying sane and switch to FF or maintain expressing (expressing was as close I could get to EBF, long-term) but going crazy and seriously depressed.

I also never realised that so many women experience the same feelings that I had been experiencing. I wish that ante-natal classes talk to women that BF is bloody hard work and that it doesn't always work out. As I have said, I never thought I would do anything else but EBF, and when it became obvious it wasn't going to work out, it left me completely bewildered, stunned and lost.

Hugs to all.

Looking back on how upset I was at the time I realised I couldn't BF, I think I was slipping towards mild PND-for me, I think the best thing I did was to just stop trying to mix feed the moment I kind of saw how unhealthy I was feeling (battling With the pump to get 1oz of breast milk out a day, for example!). It was hard to just stop but for me far healthier as as soon as I swapped to FF only, LO was much happier and I stopped fixating on the issue and I got back to feeling like myself much quicker.

Just remember that it is the colostrum in
The first few days that gives all the immunological benefits to a baby, and Fmilk has caught up so fast in terms of nutritional benefits that your baby will be doing just fine. And there is academic research to support that exact concept do please do not beat yourself up.

And a final point...there are SO many women that can't ultimately breastfeed.a LOT. It just happens and that's ok.

It makes me very angry that you should be made to feel like this.....the benefits of brestfeeding are at best absolutely minute. 1-2 point iq (which has no practical implications). Read the actual abstracts of the research, rather than someone else's interpretation of it.
You do owe it to your child to try( which you did), but you owe it to yourself to stop f it's not working.
You really shouldn't waste a second worrying, enjoy your lovely baby and formula feed with pride.

Update - DD is now 11.5 weeks and we're both doing well. It was hard for a while and I still have moments of feeling awful and not understanding why I didn't want to breastfeed enough to push few the hard weeks, but on the whole I have come to terms with my decision and no longer feel awful when FF out and about. Thinking about it, there were a number of things that I was worried about in the early weeks and BF just became a symbol of failure for me.

I'm a real perfectionist - essentially everything is perfect or everything is shit - I'm a wonderful mother / I'm an inadequate mother ... a very unhelpful way to view the world. My HV was very good at unpicking this with me. I have a little boy too, and from week three when DH went back to work I was trying to fill our days with outings and activities - I wasn't ready really and neither was DD. I joined a slimming club that week too. Madness! When worrying about not baking enough with DH anymore HV pointed out that it would be okay to put The Primrose Bakery book away and make crispie cakes for a while instead!

The baby is crying but I have some more thoughts on FF which I will pop back with in a bit.

Thank you for this thread. It helped me through a very bad day and continues to help now.

Last post.

Finally found time to come back and just wanted to add (because no doubt in the future someone, even if it's in a few years time, will search for a thread like this) a few thoughts.

Firstly I am completely over the guilt now and feel very comfortable with my decision. Bottle feeding certainly isn't the end of the world. Not all of us are cut out for it, for myriad reasons, and it doesn't necessarily mean a thing about who we are as parents. I actually find it very convenient, DD is thriving and I have a nice collection of nifty accessories and pretty bottles. Love my Sophie the Girraffe one.

In those early weeks the only thing that anyone such as HV, MW, MIL really ask you about is feeding (with the odd question thrown in about sleep). To be honest it's normally the only thing that strangers can think to ask you about too, when they angle over to have a look at a scrummy newborn. Nobody asks if you intend to read to your child, tell them you love them everyday, introduce them to art and music etc etc. The feeding is the thing, And the NHS make it a very black and white issue, for reasons that I can understand ... but it isn't always helpful to everyone.

I think it's a shame that I suffered so much in the early weeks but that's the way it is. The one good thing that came out of it was that it made me very proactive about searching out bonding activities for me and DD in order to 'make up' for it, and we now go to baby swimming classes, baby massage, sign and rhyme and we're looking into NCT groups and baby fitness. I've also been doing a lot of reading about BLW - although will probably take a mixed approach to this as it seems a little strict to never spoon feed.

Anyway - it just doesn't seem very important anymore and in my own way I did do my best.

Good luck to everyone xx

PS Obviously I meant baking cupcakes with DS not DH ... that would be a bit odd.