Support for a FF mum

[MyGoldenNotebook]

I'm posting here out of desperation. I am absolutely not trying to begin a ff/bf debate. I am extremely unhappy that I gave up bf too easily after two weeks, and now suffering from terrible feelings of shame and self-hatred which I know are completely pointless and spoiling this precious precious time with my beautiful, perfect eight week old daughter.

But I'm not doing well. I'm bursting into tears a lot - including in public - and feel very depressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a kind of minor breakdown as nothing I think makes any sense (apologies to people who have really had break downs - I'm just not sure how to express myself on this point). It's so self-destructive. I feel as though I have no right to enjoy my dd and that I'm a selfish bitch. I feel as though I will never like myself again.

I tried using google to find sources of support but the best I could find was 'formula is not liquid poison'. Of course it's not liquid poison! What a bloody stupid thing to say.

I can't talk to my friends in RL about this too much as they all bottle fed and I don't want to upset them as it is hard to explain that this is completely personal. I do not judge other ff mothers at all. I certainly don't think that they shouldn't enjoy their babies. I don't think I'm being logical.

But despite giving myself sensible pep talks all the time, all I see everywhere is breast is best and I'm so ashamed. I feel like I'm being stared at when I ff in public. I feel like my SIL who is bf-ing her 12 week old (and who I like very much) must think I'm ignorant and find my behaviour incomprehensible. I'm actually trying to avoid her which is also mad.

This is so pointless and unhealthy. I need to move on. But how?

PS I really hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything I have said. That is not my intention at all - and I'm not quite myself at the moment.

I'm a BF mum and if I ever do look at babies being bottle fed, the only thing I'm thinking is 'why won't DD take a bottle? How am I ever going to be able to go back to work?' judgement is never on my mind.

I have to go back to work in October and I'm feeling so guilty and worried about it. She'll have to go into a nursery in January when DP goes back to work and the thought is just terrible. The point I'm making is there are a million things in motherhood to make you feel guilty. They don't mean you're a bad mum! We have to make choices based on the best information we have or our current circumstances. Be kind to yourself.

You're still early days postnatally and taking with your HV might be a good idea. :)

X posts, glad you're feeling better.

Stealth - I was given details about BF-ing group. But it wasn't close and I'd had a CS so wasn't physically up to leaving the house. The midwife kept telling me that DD wasn't opening her mouth wide enough and did sit with me trying to practise my latch but it all got quite stressful.

Hello. You sound like I did with my daughter. It's a horrible place to be.

Best advice I heard was you can breast feed as long as they want to but from 6 months you need to feed them food for about 18 years and that you can make fabulous!!

I also bottle nursed. PM me if you haven't heard of this.

Oh and please know so long as you cuddle your baby and love them you are doing a great job!

OP you made right decision at that time. Decisions are based on feelings, emotions, knowledge, support and facts. All of those things will change after decisions are made (this can be applied to anything that requires a decision).

You would benefit from speaking to a HCP to rule out PND. It could be that us lot on here will help you through this 'blip' and particular shit day.

*lemarchandsbox quoted her friend:

bF is nice to do, but it's not the end of the world if you stop

I think this is bang on. Formula is and always will be infant food.

No one is judging you. And you know what, even if they are, they don't deserve to be in your life (if friends or family) and if they're random strangers, then they're not even in your life for longer than a minute.

Your dd is in your life forever, that's more important than how she is fed.

I certainly don't judge formula feeders and I am sitting here still bf'ing my 12 month old.

All the best OP. Hope this thread helps you and others when you feel a bit down.

William it is remarkable how emotive this topic is. I didn't give two hoots about it before having children and now the topic obsesses me.

Katie I am quite good at cooking! You're right though, it is a horrid place to be.

But ... on the back of all these lovely posts I'm sitting here cuddling my daughter and trying to feel like I deserve her. Right now I almost do and it's thanks to all of you.

Just remember women breast feeding at 8 weeks are in the minority by far, no one i staring at you, as for the feelings of guilt I had them too.. and it's just something you have to work through by yourself, I don't think there is anything I can say that will make it better. Breast is best and it is something we shoudl strive towards, but if you can't you shouldn't beat yourself up. At least you tried and your baby got some very valuable colustrum

Of course you deserve her, she really won't care when shes older how you fed her.

My DCs were all FF, now all grown up and have never even asked how they were fed.

Don't forget you're lucky to have her but even more so that she's lucky to have you! There are many children who live in less than ideal circumstances, but she is not one, she's one of the lucky ones.

Yy, LeMarchand- even 'I don't want to' is a valid reason for not BFing.

I was quite to be asked repeatedly why I wasn't BFing by health professionals. 'I don't want to' had to be repeated firmly a few times, and if I had really wanted to BF, I would have felt awful having to answer that question over and over again. Instead, I just got angrier each time I was asked

I feel just the same. My DS is 9 weeks and FF from birth. He was a 36 weeker and couldn't latch so was cup fed formula. I tried to get him to latch and to express colostrum for 2 days but neither worked so I got very upset and my H said right this is stupid- I was FF, you were FF- DS will be too. I was recovering from a terrible pg with recurrent placenta praevia bleeds and an emergency section so it just seemed sensible.
I have a lot of guilt- not about stopping the trying to latch, it was obvious he was never going to get it. I wonder if I should have tried expressing some for him to go with his formula. I feel very angry that no one Helped me express. It wasn't suggested to me by the hospital and when I rang the infant feeding advisor she was no help. (Name and shame Airedale hospital.)
At this stage BF propaganda and it does feel like that is the right word is everywhere. Even the formula companies send me mail about bf which makes me cry. If SMA can't mail me about formula, who can.
We really need more FF support groups- all these BF ones and FFers need as much if not more emotional support in this time.
So you are not alone.
Anyway, you are obviously a fantastic mum. In a few years time this will be so irrelevant- no one can tell when they start school which were bf and which ff.
If you want to talk off the board to someone whose LO is the same age and who feels the same, pm me
Xxxx

I really, really feel for you OP as I had a similar story - DD is now one.

First up the "breast is best" line should be banned as its done plenty of damage in my opinion. Breast isn't "best" it's the biological norm and formula is an adequate and reasonable alternative.

I tried very, very hard for several weeks to BF but DD lost weight and it was quite obvious there was a problem. When I finally cracked DH had to give her a bottle because I "couldn't watch" FFS!! This from a person who, pre-baby, was very open to either BF or FF. Immediately after this feed, for the first time DD stopped crying, looked at us with big eyes and seemed calm for once - I felt like she was saying to us "that's what I needed, why did you make me be hungry for 7 weeks?"

At that point I felt guilty about giving her formula and guilty about not having done it sooner!

I just cried writing that (nearly a year later), it's so hard it really is.

But on the up side, as time goes on more and more babies around you will have bottles and you will feel more OK about it. Like you I was ashamed to FF in public and felt judged - though one of the issues I had with BF was not wanting to do it in public, Gahhhh!!

Also, I am a good cook like you, and promised myself that when solids were introduced I would cook my socks off and give her the best, most nutritious food I could so that when all the EBF toddlers were eating fish-fingers I would know DD had a superior diet!! It's silly but it has made be feel a bit better about it all

Good for you for making a sensible choice for you and your family and not struggling on like some martyr.

" promised myself that when solids were introduced I would cook my socks off"

Just to be clear; sock, clean or worn, are NOT an appropriate weaning food ;)

What?!? I was told "socks are best" bloody HVs!

OP I was like you. I have 2 DDs. When they were babies, I was determined to bf. It just didn't work, I couldn't get them to latch on, couldn't express, my milk didn't come in, they lost loads of weight etc. With encouragement from my midwife, I switched to ff, and everything changed. They slept, I slept, and I started to feel human again. I felt guilty that I wasn't bf. Nobody ever commented, it was just my feelings of guilt. But, my babies thrived. Now they are 15 and 11, they are tall, healthy and clever. Ff didn't do them any harm at all. I still feel a little bit jealous when I see friends who are able to bf, but I realise now that it is not the end of the world at all. Please don't worry about it, I'm sure your baby will be fine. :)

PLEASE do not be so hard on yourself. I had to give up BF too after a few weeks and initially felt terrible. But I was lucky enough to end up with the most amazing midwife who was about to retire, had been in the profession all her life and she have me the best piece of advice ever which was....sometimes we make enough milk to feed a street, sometimes we are don't make enough at all! If you don't make enough milk then give the baby formula! The baby will be happy, you'll be happy, the milk is very nutritious these days, and of you have breastfed in the early days you've given the baby all of the immunological benefits you can. She was such a common sense, lovely woman-she also said please don't beat yourself up as a) it's ridiculous and b) it's a real source (in her opinion) of PND. I agree as I was very down about it until I saw her a few times and she made me feel so much happier.

Also I am a researcher by trade so I of course researched the benefits of BF v FF. turns out the evidence is very clear that all immunological benefits are given via colostrum and the breast milk that comes after colostrum does not do this (it's job moves on to providing good nutrition). Advances in formula milk science (or whatever it's name would be!) has led to development of formula that really is very nutritious.

So PLEASE do not beat yourself up. If anyone else tries to, they are ignorant and you need to ignore them. I have bonded excellently with my little boy, he is just great on formula, he is so sweet that at the moment he only takes the bottle from me and loves it when I give it to him, he is healthy and happy and honestly, formula is fine.

Ps sorry about typos, baby in one hand, not a great 1-handed typer

OP I was in exactly the same position - except I stopped trying after 7 days! The thing you have to remember is that it is your job to feed your baby - and far better that you do that with formula than your baby starves! Babies used to die because their mothers didn't have enough/any milk...I am very grateful we are no longer in that position. Most of the long term studies on formula by definition had to have been started 40-50 years ago when formula was very different anyway!

But do go to the doctor and talk about your feelings - you sound exactly like me and I had PND (drugs on and off for 3 years).

Gosh - it's amazing to hear from so many women who have felt the same. You just don't know it do you?

Henrys - your MW sounds lovely :-)

I'm feeling pretty exhausted and drained now, but I'm going to come back and re-read this thread again in the morning. So much good advice! It needs to be looked through properly.

Thank you all xx

I breast feed my little one, with the odd bottle of formula on the early days (now refusing bottles, grr!) And I have never, ever, ever looked at and judged a bottle feeding mum, I have friends who tried to bf and stopped because of problems, who couldn't because if meds and who plain didn't want to, and they are all fab mums and I respect and admire all of them, and intend to steal the best bits of all their parenting!
so please don't think that bf mums are judging you, I wouldn't and I can't think of anyone I know who would.

I didn't go through this with feeding but I did beat myself up about a million other things. I also remember weeping at the thought of bf failing for some reason. Sadly I think it's something we go through as new mums. We just out huge pressure in ourselves.

I have had a dear friend go through this (it could be you) and what I said to her is ' do you know what's important? Parenting is important - nit all the tiny details' I really do think concious patenting is more important than anything else - don't sweat what will in time, become the small stuff x

I bf for 3 days was encouraged by hospital to ff and it was the best decision I ever made (to ff). I'm so glad I don't have to get my boobs out in public, plus ff babies sleep longer through night sometimes I think (could be wrong). If I ever have another baby I will ff from the outset .

You may already know this but don't feel guilty about it. I have to be honest I think you should talk to your HV or GP about this as it sounds like you are very down. I too was very down in the first few weeks and focused on my dts colic/reflux as the cause and really let it get to me but it was a combination of everything. Maybe your feeling low is coming out in you focusing on the whole issue of ff? Hugs it gets so much better and easier and before you'll be getting those bottles out all over the place .

OP, I have been there twice. With both babies I was convinced that I was going to have a water birth and BF. With both babies I had an emcs and BF DS for a week, before Paediatrician, MW and BF counsellor all suggested FF. With DD, I was so ill after a crash section under GA, a flu jab and a hyper 2 yo that I was impressed I lasted two weeks. I told my MW one day that I didn't think I wanted to bf her anymore. She said, that if it was making me miserable, then not to. DH was despatched to Tesco's practically before she'd left.

I totally relate to the feeling of being embarrassed to FF in public.

The thing that brought me to terms with FF (first time, with DS) was actually my NCT class leader at our reunion. She said "There are so many ways to nurture a baby, feeding them is just one. But you do need to feed him something!".