Support for a FF mum

[MyGoldenNotebook]

I'm posting here out of desperation. I am absolutely not trying to begin a ff/bf debate. I am extremely unhappy that I gave up bf too easily after two weeks, and now suffering from terrible feelings of shame and self-hatred which I know are completely pointless and spoiling this precious precious time with my beautiful, perfect eight week old daughter.

But I'm not doing well. I'm bursting into tears a lot - including in public - and feel very depressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a kind of minor breakdown as nothing I think makes any sense (apologies to people who have really had break downs - I'm just not sure how to express myself on this point). It's so self-destructive. I feel as though I have no right to enjoy my dd and that I'm a selfish bitch. I feel as though I will never like myself again.

I tried using google to find sources of support but the best I could find was 'formula is not liquid poison'. Of course it's not liquid poison! What a bloody stupid thing to say.

I can't talk to my friends in RL about this too much as they all bottle fed and I don't want to upset them as it is hard to explain that this is completely personal. I do not judge other ff mothers at all. I certainly don't think that they shouldn't enjoy their babies. I don't think I'm being logical.

But despite giving myself sensible pep talks all the time, all I see everywhere is breast is best and I'm so ashamed. I feel like I'm being stared at when I ff in public. I feel like my SIL who is bf-ing her 12 week old (and who I like very much) must think I'm ignorant and find my behaviour incomprehensible. I'm actually trying to avoid her which is also mad.

This is so pointless and unhealthy. I need to move on. But how?

PS I really hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything I have said. That is not my intention at all - and I'm not quite myself at the moment.

I was speaking to a bf friend the other day and she was saying how embarrassing she found bf in public- specifically m and s cafe. She felt everyone was looking etc.
The same week I got my pre made SMA out in m and s cafe and felt the same. I thought everyone was looking thinking " why is shd not bf that tiny baby, doesn't she know breast is best?"
In truth probably no one was looking at or cared about either of us. I'm sure any looks were just - "what a fantastically cute gorgeous baby!"
It just goes to show how perspective is a funny thing

Good morning

Slept quite badly last night but kept coming and reading this thread and it did calm me. It's been so interesting reading all your stories and it's really moved me that so many women are willing to share with me in this way in order to help and invisible stranger. You're all amazing :)

Then two interesting things happened this morning. The first was very early when I checked facebook and saw that a colleague who has very recently had a baby had put photos up, and there were lots of her bottle feeding her baby! I have taken no photos with bottle in due to my difficult feelings on the matter and this was a revelation to me. This probably sounds odd but it made me feel more normal to see a person who I admire for her intelligence and general niceness bottle feeding for all the world to see. Sh looks incredibly happy and relaxed and so in love with her beautiful baby.

The second thing that happened was that the door bell went just after 8 and there was the HV. I had no idea that she was coming as I have been such a mess all week that I have missed / forgotten a number of appointments. I was still in my dressing gown and the living room was a mess but I ended up telling her what's been going on and she suggested that I try to re-lactate - but only if I wanted to. Now part of me is worried that this will not help me as it could potentially make me feel worse, but then even if it doesn't work out it might also convince me that I really have tried which might enable me to feel more at peace with the matter. So I'm having a go and have the breast pump out. Nothing so far of course but she has given me advice about what to do over the next few days, and she is coming back on Monday to 'Pick up the pieces either way'.

She was very nice and suggested that if it didn't begin to work she would put me in touch with a baby massage group as this helps babies' digestion and might help m feel that I am making healthy and positive choices for my DD.

I will pop back on Monday with the result either way xx

lol (in a nice way) at you being surprised at seeing pictures of babies being bottle fed :) TBF when they're little it's either pictures of them sleeping eating or pooing isn't it? (or was that just mine?)
I did wonder whether to suggest re-lactation, but wasn't sure if it was what you wanted to hear, and I get the impression it's very difficult without RL support. Which you have. WOW to a brilliant Health Visitor :o Good luck - obviously I hope it works out but even if not, as you say you willl have convinced yourslef you have done everything you possibly could.

Morning!

Great news about you seeing your HV!

Just remember, you are trying this to put your mind at rest. If it works, great. If it doesn't, you can be safe in the knowledge you have given it your all.

Baby massage is brill, I loved doing it with DD - DD used to go all trance like ha ha!

Good luck and remember - relax!

Hmm at baby massage, ds used to roll over, try to crawl away and threaten to wee :)

ha ha, yeah, there were a few in our little group that would not lie still long enough.

Luckily my DD is/was a complete relaxation junkie (just like me!)

At baby massage the instructor used to keep saying 'make lots of eye contact with your baby'...i'd look down lovingly...and see DD whirling round & round like a tasmanian devil, grabbing her feet, blowing raspberries at the other babies and looking anywhere but at me.

Try not to beat yourself up about ff OP. Go into any supermarket...look at all the people around you and see if you can tell who was bf and who was ff. Exactly, you can't. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter too much...and you did bf for two weeks which is great - your baby will have got all the yummy colostrum in the early days which is the most important bit really.

Hope it works out OP. I can only share my friend's experience to help you if it doesn't though.

She tried and tried to BF her DD after she was born and did not face up to it not being right for her and her DD so continued trying because her guilt would not let her stop. Her DD ended up losing loads of weight, wasn't latching on properly etc and it was only at the point she realised how much weight she'd lost that she faced up to it and began bottle feeding her. She gained weight quickly and was so much happier, as was my friend who had been until that point borderline PND. Better to have a healthy, happy bottle fed baby imo than persist with something that isn't working for either mum or baby. You are not a failure, whatever happens. We're all just doing the best we can.

And this is from someone who breastfed!

I was you ten months ago. I feel better now because I have a healthy and happy one year old running around and I KNOW, with the benefit of hindsight, I did the right thing. I still have a plan for next time though, to make sure that bf works for us. I dont think the guilt will ever go away, but I have learned to forgive myself and that has only happened as my daughter has got older and thrived. I really think that you should consider talking to your GP. That helped me so much when I went to see her x

Your HV sounds lovely - good for her!

If you want support with relactation via MN there was a thread a few days ago called "Getting back on the breast at 3 months" or something like that.

Maybe try to think of it as a bonus thing rather than placing your self worth on it again, so that if it doesn't work out you're not thinking "I've failed again" but if it does work out, it's a nice bonus that your DD got a bit of extra breastmilk than she would have had otherwise.

And anyway - you didn't fail at all. You sound like a great mum, you're clearly concerned about doing the best for your daughter and that means that you will always make good choices out of the options available to you. 2 weeks of breastfeeding is great and will have had loads of benefits for her.

I relactated successfully after a month. Became terribly ill after giving birth with massive haemorrhage etc.

Initially the milk came in, I breast fed a little, then my mum and MIL decided that the baby wasn't getting enough and put him on FF.

After I got better, I decided to give it another go. It was tough but I was able to do it and manged to bf DS till he was 2 years ols. Kellymom.com is a really valuable resource for this.

But don't beat yourself up over it. A child's outcome is affected by thousands of things and bf/ff is just one aspect.

hello op, you've had lots of lovely support on here, but I really found this discussion interesting and want to add my thoughts..

As a breastfeeding woman, I have felt really, really embarrased to feed in public, to the point where I would be anxious the night before a day out, wondering how to avoid having to do so. I felt - and still feel (ds is 4 months) - that quite a lot of people in the Uk think breastfeeding is disgusting and wierd and should be kept hidden away if practiced at all!

I know that the NHS promote breastfeeding, but the majority of women bottle feed after the first few weeks -so it had never occurred to me that people would feel embarassed to bottle feed in public. I have looked at the bottle feeding mums in my NCT group with envy as they easily whip out a bottle, while I cringe inwardly as I had to lift up my top and get my breasts out in a busy cafe or pub - even my mother a BF fan, said ' make sure you are discreet in public'.

I can honestly say that I have never enjoyed BF in public and never will. I have always seen BF as unpopular - so, please know that you do not need to feel that people are looking at you ! If I looked at you it would be thinking how lucky you are...I know that is silly, I like BF at home...but..just so you know, we are all worrying about something!

also...having gone through the agony of starting breastfeeding, I would never ever judge anyone who couldn't - it could easily have gone that way for me, I was just lucky enough to live very near the breastfeeding drop in and have very good local support - it was still the most hideous few weeks getting it going, involving a lot of tears!

we live in a culture that does not support breastfeeding and sadly the less it is supported, the fewer women will be able to do it, because it is bloody hard at first! I dont agree about propaganda etc, I actually think the opposite..if it was normalised and there was support throughout society, it would be easier to do...

Hi Golden,

I BFed but I had my mind made up from the outset that I would switch to bottle if I hit trouble. So many of my friends put themselves through hell trying to BF - and in some cases, the babies too.

Bottom line: you can't look at a group of adults or even two year-olds and pick out which ones were FF or BF. I know there are all kinds of 'studies' out there, but I also remember reading of one study which found that BFing makes no difference at all.

My baby is currently fed-to-sleep AND a bottle refuser, so will go through who knows what grief when he starts nursery soon.

If I had my time again I'd do combination BF/FF or just FF for that reason.

Hi OP - may be you will find this website helpful - www.fearlessformulafeeder.com - it is vvery supportive and really helped me.

Golden, you sound just like me. The guilt is horrible and consuming. For me, and hopefully for you, it will pass with time. You can only do what is best for your whole family (which isn't just your LO), whatever "best" is for you. It can't be turning yourself into a wreck over anything. I know it's not as easy as saying "Let it go". But you will get there. As some wise person said up thread, they get solids for far longer than they get just milk. Seeing DD grow up (she's now 5) into a healthy little girl helped a lot. I still wish I'd done things differently, and I really regret the fact that it was one of the things that got in the way of bonding with her when she was newborn. But it got better.

waterrat sorry you are struggling to feed out and about. Fwiw, I've never had anyone so much as glance at me when I'm feeding in public and I'm not terribly discreet either, mostly coz I can't be bothered. BUT I was a lot less confident with DC1 and also was envious of bottle feeders for the same reason.

OP you sound like me 16 months ago. I lost the plot when I saw the words 'baby artificial fed' in my notes when I was FF. I still have wobbles now, especially at that damn aptamil advert. I look back now and I understand that I was depressed. You will feel better. I walked across a local landmark one day with my newborn in the pram, sobbing in the wind like a bloody Hardy character and realised I needed to get a grip. You will feel better. I promise.

ItsMe can't help smiling at the Hardy character moment - I've had a few of those myself lately, though of course not funny at the time. That Aptamil advert SUCKS.

waterrat - I'm so sorry you feel awkward when feeding out and about. You should feel so proud. Whenever I see a woman BF in oublic I think she's amazing.

Bluey you are right - what is 'best' for one mother and baby isn't necessarily best for all.

Well I tried pumping with every feed for two and a half days, and putting baby to breast after feeds etc (schedule advised by HV) and although she would stay on for a few minutes, I did not manage to produce a drop milk. I drew a line under it after this as it was getting depressing.

I mostly feel ok about it - altough I am still up and down. But in my up moments I really do feel that it's not the end of the world. This is all such a big improvement on last week and I'm still very grateful to you all.

I've been trying to work through all my feelings. I think my reaction has been largely due to a certain image I have in my head that has been knocked by my struggle with breastfeeding, and consequent switch to formula. Logically, I really do not think anything bad is going to happen to my daughter for being FF either physically or emotionally. I am also determined that we will not miss out on bonding anymore, and even when I feel upset we are still having lots of lovely skin to skin and cuddles. We have some lovely little chats now - I thinks she's going to be very intelligent

The HV was making me laugh - when she started the aim was to convince mothers to wean at six weeks not four - and they often had mothers at the clinic feeding their babies cold tomato soup out of a bottle!

And you know, there really are some positives to FF - it's not all black and white. It is lovely that DH can feed her, and that if I want her to my mum can look after her for a few hours. And it is conveniant when out and about. There is no denying that. I don't find keep on top of washing bottles and sterilising a big deal at all.

mygolden you sound just like me! I feel guilty too but my beautiful 8 week old dd is happy and healthy so I'm working on the guilt thing as it started to make me depressed and not enjoy her. Which is wrong cos she needs a happy and healthy mum to look after her!
williamit I can identify with the mourning and rejection too as I really wanted to bf but all my hard work and effort only got us to 5 weeks.

Lizzie - I agree the not enjoying part of the guilt I've esperienced is the most upsetting - the idea that I somehow don't deserve her and should keep my distance - mad! The ironic thing is that one of the reasons why I initially gave up was because the pain and stress of BF was causing me to not enjoy her as much as I wanted! ... It really is time for me to get a grip :)

not get a grip as that sounds harsh on yourself, and we don't need to be any harder on ourselves! but come to terms with maybe? Same as with feeding in public. we all need to be proud of our babies who we work hard to look after, love and care for. its no one else's business how we feed them as long as we do! Sorry sounded like a rant but ment as support! (smile)

No one is judging you, I think you need a dose of reality, do you actually know the statistics of how many breastfeed in the UK? It's true to say most women start breastfeeding but those that continue to the recommended minimum 6 months is very small. Yes, breast is best, no doubt about it but most of the women you see around pushing prams will be FF so they're not gonna be judging are they?

And many women who BF might feel judged, they might feel uncomfortable BF in public. I've fully FF my first DC and fully BF my second, both have their benefits and drawbacks. And BM is not the ultimate panacea as the textbooks would have you believe. So dont be paranoid, no one can judge you.

You poor thing :(

I can relate. I am mixed feeding my 10 week old following a rocky start. My milk didn't come in for 6 days so my DS was trying his hardest but only getting colustrum for almost a week. In the end I had to feed him formula to stop him starving and the bf nazis in the hospital made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I couldn't stop crying and tormented myself when he picked up a sniffle, convincing myself it was because he wasn't getting antibodies he needed from me.

My partner was formula fed so I found myself trying to tread carefully around the issue for fear of insulting him or his mother's decision when he was small. He couldn't understand why it bothered me so much, to him it was an emotionless, logical decision: bf isn't working so we'll ff. The feelings of failure only seem to affect the mother in these cases.

There is nothing to feel guilty about - you are not selfish; the fact you have written this post shows that you are not. You are doing your best and you must try to be kinder to yourself.

One thing - as soon as we introduced bottles the implication was that anyone could do it, so I was no longer 'needed' in the same way. It took a few days for me to work out how to express that properly to my DP. Now I give DS the majority of his bottles and can look into his eyes, stroke his hair, give him all the love he needs while he bottle feeds.

I think this issue affects more people than first meets the eye. You are not alone

x