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Parenting

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Original poster

Why do mums do this?

54 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 15:07

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

OP posts:

NagooingForGold · 05/08/2012 15:52

why do you think this is about 'mums'?

She really doesn't like you, clearly, but I don't think you can say 'why do mums feel this way'.

I don't think it is fair to generalise at all when there are so many parents who do their damndest not to let their feelings about the new partners affect the children.

If you want to explore what happens in your family then it isn't right to couch it in general terms.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 15:57

I understand what you are saying, what i meant was, as i ve been on mumsnet for quite sometime and do look at alot of the step parenting/parenting forum it seems to be a very common thing were the mother of the children hate their exp when they dont know them.

So what i was asking was, is why is this?

I dont undertstand how somebody can hate/not like someone that they have never seen, spoken to or even met.

OP posts:

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 16:02

Some people male/female simply can't be objective about new partners / parent figures coming along. It seems less than unusual, and sadly a failing on their part (assuming the new person has done nothing to provoke the antagonism)

Doubt there is little you can do to stop her. I would be tempted to reassure the children that they don't have to disagree with her to her face even if they like you deep down. They probably feel very torn and confused by this trusted adults anger towards you.

I think if you reassure them, they are allowed to like you when with you but don't have to be upset if she chooses to be nasty about you, it isn't their fault, etc etc that might help them reconcile their Mu's anger and their own opinion of you. Tell them it is OK not to believe what she says if they don't feel it, and that you are not upset/angry about it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:11

Its such a shame really, when they came yesterday they looked really uncomfortable (which was unusual). They told DH that their mother is always mentioning me , calling me etc. DH did tell the children that their mummy had never met me, spoken to me, or seen me, to which the children then replied that they thought it was very silly for mummy to say that when she doesnt know me.

It baffles me why some people are like this regarding their exp new partner.

OP posts:

NagooingForGold · 05/08/2012 16:13

many times the previous parent might blame the SP as they see them as the OW/ OM even if this is not true?

The parent may also be threatened by the SP. I think that this is very understandable.

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 16:15

It is a very emotional way to behave isn't it. There must be all kinds of personal issues/thought processes/emotions which contribute to it.

Maybe she feels she failed with your DH so it acts as a source of criticism that you aren't failing with him. Not very rational though is it, so it is probably best not trying to understand it, as there isn't a logic to understand.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:17

Why do they feel threatened? I dont have children of my own (not till 2 months anyway) so i dont know what its like to feel "threatened" by another woman entering my children(s) lives.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2012 16:18

I think when you read about things like this on here its wise to remember there are two sides to a story.

Also how did she know about you within weeks of you being with your DH?

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 16:20

the most important thing in your whole wide world, your reason for breathing and getting up in the morning is being cared for and even parented by someone else, whose ways and style and influence you have no control over whatsoever and may differ wildly from your own.... quite un-nerving if not threatening.

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2012 16:21

How did she have your phone number to send you text messages?

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:21

amber DH ex used to ring alot over small things and he would tell her that he couldnt talk to her right now as he was busy with me etc.

She stopped ringing about 5-6 weeks after meeting him, and then only communicated through text.

OP posts:

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 16:21

Maybe it would help if you did meet her, let her see you aren't an ogre and reassure her you have her childrens best interests at heart, that might not be a bad thing?

Unless she really hates you and it would make no difference.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:22

No she doesnt have my number, they were sent to DH phone.

OP posts:

WildWorld2004 · 05/08/2012 16:22

Maybe u should try & meet her & have a chat with her. Id never let my kids stay at a house with someone i hadnt met.

Ketuk · 05/08/2012 16:28

How long before you met DH did they split up?

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2012 16:29

This is down to your DH. Why did he mention you as a reason why he couldn't speak to her?!

Sounds like you walked in on unfinished business.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:43

They had been split up about 2 years before i met DH, i think we were having a meal or at the cinema when she used to call and when she did call it was usually something she wasnt happy with and wanted a row.

So maybe he didnt speak to her as he didnt want to row with her infront of me when i was so new on the scene?

I have mentioned to DH about maybe meeting her, to which he replied he didnt think it was a good idea as it wouldnt turn out very well and could easily become a "slanging match"

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 05/08/2012 16:45

Do you really not understand why a woman would be defensive and resentful about another woman having such a prominent role in the lives of her children?

I have been with my dh for 20 years and we have three children together. I can quite see how, were he and I to split and he took my dc to be with another woman, I would find it incredibly hard.

Does it really surprise you?

Frankly I am always impressed that so many blended families do such a brilliant job.

Pagwatch · 05/08/2012 16:46

Yep. Sounds like your DH is doing nothing to help and is adding to the tension

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:48

pag i havent got children of my own, so know i dont understand what its like to be a protective parent.

Why does surprise me is why talk about me alot? Why try to make the children not like me, especially when im going to be around a hell of a long time?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:49

DH never responds to things said about me, he completely dismisses it and wont entertain it if im mentioned.

OP posts:

peeriebear · 05/08/2012 16:49

There is a difference between 'finding it hard' and being nasty and rude about somebody you've never met though... Trying to turn your DCs against somebody simply for being there is a bit beyond the pale. You are going to be a part of their lives- you're married to their dad and carrying their new sibling- why does she want to make her own DCs uncomfortable and feel like they have to take sides? They won't thank her for it.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:54

peerie i do agree with you there, one of the children did say

"i dont like it when my mummy says nasty things about you, as its not very nice" :-(

I then thought "oh bless!"

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 16:54

I know exactly what you mean op. Dh was divorced three years when we met, he said things were amicable with ex wife. Amicable stopped when she heard about me. As for being un nerved when another person parents your child, that works both ways. Dh's ex had a new man before leaving, dh didn't kick off to her, despite being worried about his ds. Odd that it's mainly women who do this.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:57

perfumed thats the exact same situation as what my DH was in

OP posts:

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