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Original poster

Why do mums do this?

54 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 15:07

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 16:59

Apart from they werent married, but exact same situation

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 05/08/2012 17:02

Of ours she shouldn't be doing it. I am just saying that you are speculating about her and she is speculating about you - both of you getting information from your DH primarily.

Your DH is the one talking about her phoning just to get in 'slanging matches' and then giving her your presence as the reason why he won't take her call.

I may well be wrong but I am dubious that is is productive, keeping you separate. Maybe he thinksit is wise but it is going to be bloody hard to form a constructive relationship if you never meet.
It all sounds a bit stereotypical and hysterical - demon irrational ex-wife.

But of course I may be totally wrong. Quite possible. It just all sounds odd to me.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 17:08

Well obviously DH knows her, so he must know whether its best we meet or not etc.

I always get dragged into any disagreement she has with DH. I hate it to be honest, i just wish i wasnt mentioned at all

OP posts:

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Pagwatch · 05/08/2012 17:12

ok then. I just didn't think it sounded like it could get much worse.
Personally I would want a bloody good reason not to meet a woman who was criticizing me constantly. I would want to know that the situation could not be improved given that the DC are being dragged in.

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 17:20

Well it takes 2 to have a slanging match. If you went in to talk/get to know but a game plan to walk away if it got heated it couldn't turn into a row.

It might be worth a go, after all this keeping you totally separate hasn't resulted in her calming down. If it didn't work you would be no worse off. She could bring her DP along and you your DH too so it was balanced and she couldn't claim you had said things you hadn't afterwards.

It must be very strange indeed for her to wave her kids off weekly to be with someone she has never met - I couldn't do it.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 17:22

jenner thats sounds like a good idea

OP posts:

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 17:29

You could use the two new due babies as the reason, as you are both carrying babies who will be half sister/brother to the current children it would be good to meet each other at last.

Keep an open mind, she may have built you up in her head as some stunning tall slim model type who is miles better than her in every way etc etc maybe her kids talk glowingly about you while refusing to behave at the table for her say, and she feels inferior. Who knows, but best if you can build some bridges if possible. Try to find some common ground to connect with her on and see what happens, even if it just takes the heat out of her vitriol it'd be an improvement. :)

Molehillmountain · 05/08/2012 17:31

Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy your new baby when he/she arrives. I think it's a shame that the ex p is acting on the feelings but I imagine if dh and I ever split I would feel a raft of complex emotions towards the new partner. Feelings aren't a choice and also, you have to have a bit of insight to realise that the feelings aren't rational and so realise you have a choice about what to do about them. I haven't had this situation but we did struggle to conceive and I felt irrational venom towards anyone who was pregnant and didn't say or do exactly the right thing. This in itself was hard as how I wanted people to behave changed with the hour. Luckily I realised that the feelings weren't rational and so never acted on them. The new partner, even though she's happy with the new person, might well still feel (unfairly probably) guilty that things didn't work out and that her children's lives were disrupted. I think it takes an exceptional person who is very comfortable in their skin to feel warm and fluffy towards another person who is succeeding where she didn't. However, She isnt behaving well and this is unfortunate. None of this is your fault and I really hope things improve for you. I would steer clear, really clear, of ever remotely criticising the children's mother in their hearing. Good luck.

blueshoes · 05/08/2012 17:44

I believe you mean 'some ex-wives' as opposed to 'mums'.

When you have children of your own, you will understand more. Not saying she is justified in her feelings, but honestly, it is not difficult to understand why she is behaving in this irrational way.

Your having a baby with dh is one of the things that could result in her children being pushed out of the focus of the family when the children are with you and dh. I'd hate that to happen to my children, and that would be to me one of the worst things if my dh and I were to separate.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 17:55

blueshoes yes i did mean some of them and not all of them.

The exp does keep mentioning my unborn baby too, often saying to the children very unplesant things about the unborn baby - things i would never say.

I suppose i keep thinking that if i ignore it, then it will eventually stop, but its been over 12 months now, and things are still the same.

Does it ever get easier?

OP posts:

JennerOSity · 05/08/2012 17:58

It must get easier with time, no-one would have the energy to keep it up forever surely!

She has obviously got alsorts of ideas about you fixed in her head, based mainly on imagination and minimal information. It is very easy to build a picture up in your mind (like when you read a book, I will never forgive the BBC for casting the 'wrong' girl - in my mind - in the role of Lucy in Lion With and Wardrobe... but I digress) and only reality can dispel these really.

Krumbum · 05/08/2012 18:45

I imagine she feels like you and your new family with her ex will undermine his relationship with his existing kids. He will have a new family and maybe forget about the old one.
It's irrational but I would hate it if the father of any children I have had more kids and would never have children with a man that already has children. He's already abandoned one family.
Also it sounds like you rushed everything! Getting pregnant and married all in a year. She may feel upset that he has moved on so quick. Cut her some slack, imagine yourself in her position.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 19:08

krum im imagining myself in her position, in a relationship and engaged to someone shes been with 3 years, and pregnant with his baby, and i cant see why she would be upset?

It wasnt rushed, i fell pregnant after the wedding was all booked n paid for.

She does quite often text in bitterness that he doesnt care about his children anymore etc :-( which is not true!

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 19:17

Wait just a bloody minute. How do you know who 'abandoned' their family? There is no info in the op saying so. And what is this about he has moved on so quick? The exwife has been with her own new partner longer than op and her DH. Ex wife is allowed to bring new half siblings into the family but the op's dh has to tiptoe round her feelings? Please. Lets not excuse bad behaviour, for that's what this is. And double standards.

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2012 20:25

Perfumedlife. I don't think anyone said he moved on quick?!

What was said was OP and him seem to have rushed into everything.

It does sound like that tbh. Now OP says the wedding was booked before she fell pregnant. That's all very rushed in my book.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 20:33

It didnt feel rushed to me and DH, but if it was rushed, it had nothing to do with the exp.

I wanted to cancel the wedding when i got pregnant, but DH was very keen to still go ahead.

I dont think getting married and having a baby is anything to do with it as this has been going on long before wedding plans and being pregnant.

OP posts:

Molehillmountain · 05/08/2012 20:37

The ex is going about things in a way that is hardly exemplary or helpful but there are complex emotions at play. I am surprised the op is baffled by the reasons why ex is doing this - angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad, absolutely. But i don't think you need to be a mother to see that someone is going to feel complex emotions about a situation that has gone from ex dh looking after dc just him to having a new partner then pregnant new partner and then wife in a year. I feel complex emotions about the childcare providers I have met, approved of and chosen. If I had to hand over my children to a stranger (to me) once a week I'd have strong feelings about it. God willing I would deal with it appropriately and certainly not let the dc know how I felt. But I can well imagine the feelings that have led to this woman behaving badly. I'd be jealous, of the partner succeeding where I hadn't, of her time with the children doing the once a week fun person role instead of day in day out (new partner of my own and new baby notwithstanding) and I'm afraid just because you don't want someone (her ex dp) it doesn't mean you always want anyone else to have them either. However she is behaving very badly. It's your job op to be the bigger person and not ever breathe a word of negative opinion about your ex dp's mother. And congratulations on your pregnancy

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 20:44

I despair. Amberleaf, Krumbum suggested exwife may feel upset that he has moved on so quick, quite missing the fact ex herself had moved on even quicker.

Molehillmountain, why is it understandable for an ex to feel uncomfortable about her children being with dad's new partner when she herself has new partner living with his child? What is the double standard about here really? Do as I say, not as I do? It does no one any favours to try to excuse this bad behaviour. I'm embarrassed reading the attempts.

Krumbum · 05/08/2012 20:48

I'm not saying he's not 'allowed' to. I'm trying to empathise with something she is feeling. You can still feel hurt by something that your doing yourself, it's just that he happens not to care that she's having another child. You don't choose your feelings.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 20:52

Do you think there are old feelings still there?

OP posts:

Molehillmountain · 05/08/2012 21:08

Perfumed-no justification of her behaviour at all. Behaviour has some level of choice attached and the ex p is making very poor ones that are unfair on everyone, not least her own children who are stuck in the middle. But I can understand the complex feelings at play. The op asked why the ex p is behaving like that and I think people are answering that question rather than saying it's in any way okay.

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 21:21

Well Molehill, people broadly speaking are justifying it, saying it's not difficult to understand why she's acting like this atall. But it is, for op. It was, for me. It's not something I would ever wish to do, but then, I also don't blame ow for men cheating. There are comments that she is fearing her kids will be pushed out but no mention that the dh is entiteled to those feeligs too, of another man living with his child, and half siblings at that side. Of course you can't choose your feelings, but you can exercise restraint on acting on them. The ex should be roundly condemned for poisoning the kids young minds, not 'underst

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 21:22

understood.

perfumedlife · 05/08/2012 21:29

But I do take your point molehill about people trying to answer the question

WildWorld2004 · 05/08/2012 22:21

Meeting someone booking wedding 4/5 months later, getting pregnant & then marrying. All in 12 months is rushing it. I wouldnt introduce my dp to my kids until iv been with them 12 months.

You are a stranger to her. When my exh had more kids he stopped bothering with my dd. This could be the reason why she is feeling/acting the way she is. Us mums want our kids to be put first & maybe she feels like u will put your child first over her kids.

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