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Parenting

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Original poster

Opinions please - is it possible to become a parent without hardly breaking stride?

99 replies

mousiemousie · 06/03/2006 18:51

Sorry for posting again but the thread title went wrong! So here it is again as I am desperate for opinions!

My best friend is pregnant at age 39 - hurrah! Her partner is in his early 40's.

She is adamant that the baby will have to fit around their lives, and that the new baby will not be the focus of their lives, just a great "add-on"! I think she feels like this partly because she feels I have been too focused on my child (who is now 7) and not enough on myself or on the rest of my life - as if I have sacrificed too much.

But is it really possible to have a child and not really break step, just to carry on as before but with 1 extra around? Obviously my bf and her partner are very used to a child free existence and have been for a long time...are they right in thinking it is possible to have a child and carry on much as before?

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motherinferior · 06/03/2006 21:05

I was glumly prepared to turn into a completely different person when I had a baby - everyone warns you you'll never have time to read a book for at least five years, you won't want to have anything to do with the work you previously found interesting, your baby will consume you, and you'll be soooooooooooo tired....

The tiredness is right. And I haven't been to the cinema in ages, and I have to do complicated and protracted negotiations to do something like go out in the evening, and all in all I would not say that the Inferiorettes have just slotted into my life. But the core of who I am is probably not all that different.

FionaJT · 06/03/2006 21:22

I'd agree totally with Motherinferior. The mechanics of life have changed but I haven't had the total personality transplant that people sometimes to predict.

motherinferior · 06/03/2006 21:28

And I've read lots of books.

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Pruni · 06/03/2006 22:59

Gah. What's your secret? (Too late for me, my glands and my atrophied intellect...)

JanH · 06/03/2006 23:07

That's not the issue though, is it, for mousie's friend? It's not whether the core of her will change at all, but whether the baby will change their lives -

harpsichordcarrier · 06/03/2006 23:25

yes I agree with MI. If anything I am MORE like my old self than I ever was (?) because I have more brain space than I did when I was working.
I also never experienced this - oooh your brain turns to mush - thing. Not me. Sharp like a tack, though I must say I am feeling a touch muzzy right this second....

Wordsmith · 06/03/2006 23:57

I think it's definitely harder with 2, although it could depend on how much of a gap is between them. With me it's 4 years and we had just got our lives back into the stride (or a slightly different stride) and then along came the sleepless nights again etc. Then DS1 started school which made working harder cos I didn't have 9 - 5.30 nursery care for him. Ho hum. And it just keeps on getting more complicated. Little babies are easy by comparison!

I think most parents tend to muddle through combining bringing up children with working and having a social life as much as they possibly can (which isn't that much!) I have friends at both ends of the spectrum - some with full time nannies and successful business careers, and some who have totally gone into mummyhood feet first and become 100% focused on their child, not WOTH at all. But I doubt if any of them would have said they did it without breaking stride.

A friend of a friend had a baby, a maternity nurse and then a full time nanny and was back at work in 6 weeks (she ran the company.) I've seen her at christenings etc and she doesn't even change a nappy - her DH does all that. She just affects a puzzled expression and looks around for someone to help take little Hugo or Jemima off her hands. Now she probably didn't break stride.

No-one can prepare you for what it's like having a child. Of course it will change your life, but I'm sure your friend will be able to keep up with what's important to her if she really wants to. Of course, what's important to her may well change once the little one puts in an appearance.

Tell her happy muddling through from me!

handlemecarefully · 07/03/2006 00:00

Oh please keep this thread going Mousiemousie (when is her due date?)...I can't wait to watch voyeuristic / car crash style whilst her rosy notions of life as a parent unravel before her very own eyes

ghosty · 07/03/2006 00:04

The thing is, she may have all sorts of ideas of how she is going to do things BEFORE she has the baby .... BUT as most of you know, you just can't generalise about how you are going to 'be' when you have that baby in your arms.

I was prepared to become the epitome of the 'earthmother' ... I was going to pop out 4 babies in quick succession, like my mother did ... give up work ... breastfeed for ages ... never have dummies ... still go out and have fun but take the baby with me etc ...

And then I went into labour. The trauma of that alone changed my outlook ... my certain short easy labour turned into a 55 hour marathon where I stared death in the face and ended with an emergency c/s ... my feeling of shock and disappointment when I didn't fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him .... my resentment at the constant feeding ... my desperation at his constant crying .... not to mention the life threatening condition he was born with that meant he needed surgery at 4 weeks .... culminating in 18 months of antidepressants and a marriage that looked doomed to failure due to the fact I couldn't cope with all the above.

Now, I am not saying that your friend is going to have a terrible time .... BUT if someone had taken me aside when I was pregnant and said that the first two years of my child's life was going to be the worst two years of my life I would have laughed in their faces ...

I think your friend is heading for a fall if she looks at the arrival of her child with such rose tinted glasses .... I wish I had been a little more realistic about what could happen to me ... I think the reason I fell so hard was because of my ridiculously naive way of seeing motherhood ....

Like others have said, my second baby was a breeze because I knew what to expect and prepared myself for a difficult time but as it was, anything easier was a doddle compared with the first one ...

Don't mean to be a misery and 'woe is me' about my experiences but I really fear for people who have this attitude .... if she manages to fit the baby in to her life then great, fab, whoopy doo for her but she really should wake up and smell the nappies ....

SorenLorensen · 07/03/2006 00:35

I remember dh coming home when ds1 was about 2 weeks old and reciting the advice his boss (a father of two) had given him - basically: don't let the baby interfere with your life, carry on as before but 'fit' the baby in, having a baby doesn't change who you are or the things you can do.

The single most stupid and useless piece of advice either of us were ever given with regards to having kids (and we were given some corkers).

That boss has left now but I do occasionally spare a thought for his poor wife.

Dottydot · 07/03/2006 08:59

ah bless - I'm feeling sorry for her.... My life now is pretty much back 'on track' - I work full time, enjoy my job, have got some energy in the evenings and kind of balance family, work and time for me and dp - 4 YEARS AFTER HAVING DS1!!!

And although life's fab it's nothing like the life I had 4 years ago, which comprised working until 6pm (not dashing out to catch the 4.30pm train leaving all my work strewn across my desk), going for a drink or 4 and on Fridays not getting home until 3am... Of course that was OK 'cos I could have a lie in (ha ha ha ha ha) on Saturdays and Sunday.

Sigh.

Verytiredmum · 07/03/2006 10:30

Haven't read all of the replies below, but agree with most that I have read, that your friend is in for quite a shock. If she is such a high energy person, she may well have a wonderful time at first, although probably a very stressful time too, if she is used to being in control of life. Do keep an eye on her for delayed pnd. It is much more likely to occur in someone who is used to being in control (and someone who has false expectations of what babies are like too) and may start once the initial adrenaline buzz has worn off - c. 6 months or so. Hope it doesn't but you will be in a good place to help her if everything seems much tougher than she expects.

Original poster

mousiemousie · 07/03/2006 13:41

I will keep an eye on my friend for delayed pnd, good idea. She is very very used to being in control & hates things to be otherwise, and hates suprises.

I think if anyone can fit a baby in it is probably her - she manages to do about 4 times as much as anyone else can do as it is! But she can't get out of bed in the mornings at all.

She really has constantly told me how unhealthy it is that I spend so much time and energy on my daughter and has always expected me to go and visit her as often as she visits me (even though I live conveniently next to where she works and on the way to town, and she lives remotely, not on my way to anywhere!).

I am planning on offering her a lot of babysitting as I think she will appreciate it - she doesn't have parental help on tap like I do. Baby is due in September, so we will all have to wait a while to see how it pans out!!!

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 07/03/2006 13:42

Verytiredmum is bang on the money there - she may well get a reactive PND....I know I was a similarly niave 30 something first time mum who was formerly in control, and hopelessly misinformed about what a baby would involve - and consequently I suffered from PND after my first

bossykate · 07/03/2006 13:52

why bother if you don't want your life to change?

CountessDracula · 07/03/2006 13:58

Yes I seem to remember saying something similar heh heh what little I knew!

Though we do still have a life, go out plenty, work etc the FOCUS of my life has changed from memememe to my family.

I had a similar lifestyle to your friend, I did find it hard to adapt but once I gave in and went with the flow it was great

TinyGang · 07/03/2006 14:02

Haven't read the whole thread, but do allow yourself the luxury of a wry smile.

Piffle · 07/03/2006 14:04

mousiemousie
and you won't say
I told you so, will you
Let them their illusion, while they still can have it...And you must comeback and tell us what happens!!!!!!!!

izzybiz · 07/03/2006 14:10

of course they change your life, you are totally and utterly in love with someone more than youve ever felt before, they are totally reliant on you.
But, i found a newborn baby so easy, compared to what comes later, i think its harder the older they get!

Hazellnut · 07/03/2006 14:17

Well.... my Bro and SIL seem to have this attitude and have managed it pretty much. They weren't as old as this when they had their dd (mid 30s). They are very much into extreme-ish walking (i.e. more mountaineering) and if they want to do this for the weekend they get grandparents to look after dd (and it can be quite often). She is in child care all week and is the first one there and the last one to be picked up even though my SIL could get there earlier (she is a teacher). They are just about to have number 2 too.

Personally, I think its sad that they decided to have children and don't spend time enjoying them. They obviously love their dd but don't expect things to revolve around her.

Troutpout · 07/03/2006 17:20

My neices both have children (god how old am i!) and they pretty much live there lives like hazellnuts brother and wife.
Why!! why do they have them...i just don't get it.
Even at weekends the kids are dumped with there grandparents for half the time
Sad

Original poster

mousiemousie · 05/05/2006 17:40

So will she sell her MX5? It may soon be unstearable due to the bump!

OP posts:

Amiable · 05/05/2006 18:24

Just skimmed through, so sorry if someone else has said this, but isn't the fact that "having a baby changes your life" supposed to be the point? My dd is 10 weeks today, and was not planned, but once I made the decision to have the baby I knew my life would never be the same again. It was a choice I made, and I became a different person because I made that choice

I'm struggling to express my self here, so bear with me... when I say change your life, I mean it has to, right? for one thing you're no longer "XX, a woman", you're "XX, a mother".

sorry, I'm burbling now!!

Amiable · 05/05/2006 18:47

ahem just saw bossykate's post on 7th March - saying what I said, but much better!!

It's like those lottery winners you see in the papers saying "it won't change my life". Why bother buying a lottery ticket then?!!

alex8 · 05/05/2006 18:54

The thing is, why have kids if you don't want to to change your life in some way? Its not obligatory.

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