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Parenting

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Original poster

Opinions please - is it possible to become a parent without hardly breaking stride?

99 replies

mousiemousie · 06/03/2006 18:51

Sorry for posting again but the thread title went wrong! So here it is again as I am desperate for opinions!

My best friend is pregnant at age 39 - hurrah! Her partner is in his early 40's.

She is adamant that the baby will have to fit around their lives, and that the new baby will not be the focus of their lives, just a great "add-on"! I think she feels like this partly because she feels I have been too focused on my child (who is now 7) and not enough on myself or on the rest of my life - as if I have sacrificed too much.

But is it really possible to have a child and not really break step, just to carry on as before but with 1 extra around? Obviously my bf and her partner are very used to a child free existence and have been for a long time...are they right in thinking it is possible to have a child and carry on much as before?

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purplemonkeydishwasher · 06/03/2006 19:17

sorry, nodded off there. Not much sleep last night!

Boopert · 06/03/2006 19:17

A year will turn into two etc. Seen it before with friends of mine.
One said baby would have to be organised around them, now friend has three kids and hasn't worked since. Doting mother, walks about with puke down her shoulder and so on.....

harpsichordcarrier · 06/03/2006 19:17

I agree with QoQ. having the second baby I think you can take in your stride, becausze adjustments have already been made.
the first one? massive culture shock. how could it not be?
I suppose it is possible if yu have loads of childcare, living in, pots of money.... but even so. There is another person, in the house and in the family, with needs and desires.
your friend is deluded and needs to get over herself a bit, imho.

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annh · 06/03/2006 19:20

You must come back and give us an update in a year - or maybe even two years! I think she is in for a big shock, maybe not so much at the beginning but more so as the baby becomes a toddler. DH and I were v-lucky with ds1 in that he was a straightforward birth, I didn't suffer any baby blues, he slept through from 6 weeks etc. I remember at about 7 weeks going out to Pizza Express with ds1 in tow and the following evening meeting my ante-natal group and feeling smug because I had managed to wear "proper" clothes and my nails were painted to the great amazement of everyone. At the time I smugly thought it was all a matter of organisation - and it's been all downhill ever since! I've lost track of the number of times I've cancelled evenings out because of babysitting crises, or poorly children who couldn't be left; I haven't had a hangover in years because the thought of having to get up early the next morning and face the boys in full flow is just too much; so many outings etc were arranged around nap times because the alternative of "fitting the baby in around us" just meant horrid pay-back tantrums and a sleepless night afterwards - the list just goes on and on. I am giggling at the wake-up call your friend is about to get!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 06/03/2006 19:20

the more I think about the more I say "NO WAY" if it's her first. 2nd,3rd,4th, 11th etc etc - yes much easier - they have to fit in to a certain degree then as you've already got one (or more) to look after - and you've 'perfected' ways of living your 'life' while caring for the children/

tallequineinafedora · 06/03/2006 19:21

imho I dont think you generalise about this. for one thing babies and children (and they do have a tendency to turn into the latter however much we fight it) are different things. DD1 did slot into our lives - in the first two years of her life she travelled extensively - visting 4 different continents, - with only minor adjustments to our intineries - we did whole days' hiking (her in papoose on dh's back, dd2 in my tummy) and at home she got taken to pubs, restaurants, and parties. I'm not saying nothing changed but the changes we made - by which I mean the ones which I thought I wouldn;t like - were, to us, an incredibly small "price" to pay for the immeasurable joy and pleasure. However dd was a very easy going baby and I take not one iota of credit for that - nothing annoys me more than when people (usually non-parents) think it's all down to the parent and their attitude. It's 99 per cent down to luck, imo. You simply can't predict how you're going to feel as a parent, nor how your baby is going to be. She may well totally revise her attititudes once her little one is here - but there's no point in trying to tell her that. I also think that babies are easier and more portable they don;t run around wreaking havoc and answering back. A friend of mine is just coming to terms with the changes she's having to make now her ds is 2.

Thomcat · 06/03/2006 19:21

I don't agree wih the added extra and of course your life changes, but I have to say that een though Lottie had special needs I never felt that she was so all consuming I wasn't able to keep living my life and being me etc. My social life changed but didn't stop, thanks to wonderful parents D and I still went out, him DJing and me dancing. Other than big night outs like that we took her with us. Lottie didn't exactly fit into our lives in a you will fir in kid or else way, but she did kind of just slot easily in and it felt very natural and easy as though she'd always been with us.

Kathy1972 · 06/03/2006 19:21

Mousie, when you say 'is there no chance it will be as she thinks?' I think the answer is probably that it won't be exactly as she thinks, but it may be similar enough for her to be content. I mean it may not be the rude awakening that many people here are predicting.
On the other hand, it may be . Good luck to her!
Oops, got to go now, they're coming to lock up my office!

Surfermum · 06/03/2006 19:22

I found it was much easier in the first year to carry on doing a lot of the things we had done before. DD used to sleep anywhere, so we were still able to go to the beach in the evening, training at the pool, to the pub, parties, committee meetings. It was once she got older and became mobile that it was harder, and it wasn't fair on her to take her places in the evenings, but also wasn't fair on other people.

madmarchhare · 06/03/2006 19:22

Just had a very simillar situation with a friend who said the same.

When I got a text at 9am one morning recently telling me that they'd 'changed his milk and he had a much better night', I just pmsl.

tallequineinafedora · 06/03/2006 19:23

interesting so many of you found one a culture shock and not no. 2. totally the other way round for me. One was fun. Two I kept thinking to myself that, shit, this is Serious.

tribpot · 06/03/2006 19:25

Being an aunty is NOTHING like being a mum. I thought I had a leg up on the competition because I have 9 (soon to be 10) nephews and nieces. A resounding NO.

Trying to work from home with a baby is complete and utter nightmare as well - prob easier for a bloke but only because he will be more willing to shut himself in a room upstairs and ignore screeching from downstairs (I can't quite seem to manage this).

nulnulcat · 06/03/2006 19:39

trying to think how my life has changed in 2 years since dd arrived and to be honest it hasnt much, i am lucky and i got her into a routine pretty much from day one, finding myself a single parent made me and my friends more conscious of not sitting in every night so have been out most weekends during week have friends round or we go to there houses i just take her with me if cant get babysitter, my house is still tidy always have my hair make up and nails done every day ( do them myself before she wakes up) she doesnt wake up til 830 9am so im lucky there wouldnt say i have made her fit in to my life but at the same time i was not going to revolve my entire life round a baby

FairyMum · 06/03/2006 19:40

All I wanted in my first year as a monther was to just get some sleep!

georginars · 06/03/2006 19:47

I bet you anything she becomes the most child-obsessed mother ever and bores the pants off you yakking on about her marvellous offspring! This can be even more true of older parents IME (am prepared to be challenged on this but I do think it's often true, as they have had more time to get settled in their ways)

But also I think she will understand why she couldn't see you as often as before you had children...suddenly she'll realise why you weren't always available to her.

Seriously, I don't think it's necessarily true for everyone that life changes completely once a baby comes along BUT I don't think it's possible to have a child and just carry on as before with one extra about. A baby is not a pet....I think she's just trying to convince herself that everything is going to be OK and that it's not going to be too scary.

mummygow · 06/03/2006 19:53

cant beleive you managed to paint your nails every morning - I was lucky to even manage to brush my hair or wash my face and both my babies are routine babies.

Filyjonk · 06/03/2006 20:06

Oh my god, ROFL, she is in for a shock.

Really don't see how it is, at least for the first few years. Even if she doesn't bf or anything-someone's got to feed and change the baby!

Do agree it might be theoretically possible to go on not too far from before in about 5 years time-as long as they only have one. Or at least so I hear.

nulnulcat · 06/03/2006 20:16

only takes a min to do nails only do toe nails as falsies on hands paint them when out of shower by time i done my make up nails are dry!

nulnulcat · 06/03/2006 20:18

mummygow im lucky as my dd not a morning person she has never been up before 8 its usually between 830 and 9 so i get up at 7 get myself ready washing on etc then everything all done by time she is awake

expatinscotland · 06/03/2006 20:18

yes, but it takes a very organised person. i do think a person would have to have actually had a kid or two before being able to say it's possible.

it depends on what your life was like before they were born, too. if they were dull as shite like mine, then yeah, things just sort of carry on w/quadruple the workload and all that.

Bugsy2 · 06/03/2006 20:34

ROFL - how many times have I heard that one!
With steely, grim determination you can just about keep up outward appearances of nothing having changed, but behind the scenes, it'll be frantic paddling.
A great "add-on" - that is so funny!!!

mumfor1standfinaltime · 06/03/2006 20:38

How my life has changed since having Ds -

No lay in ever!
No more quiet meals out/trip to pub with dh!

I still go out with friends and work part time, I fit my job in around Dh so I dont need any childcare. I honestly cant think of anything major that has changed in my life yet. I suppose I still wanted to feel 'like me' when I had ds. I didnt feel like me for the first couple of months, but as soon as we settled into a routine which was suitable for us, I began to feel more 'like me'.

Ds has slept through the night from 6 weeks old and is a very contented little one. We work together to find solutions to any problems!

Pruni · 06/03/2006 20:40

Well, is she planning a complete gland transplant at the same time as the birth?

If so, maybe. It was the total and utter change of hormones that shocked me.

fennel · 06/03/2006 20:44

yeah, agree with Pruni and the others. ha ha ha.

I wasn't that obsessed a mother, found my first baby very easy, carried on working and enjoying it, backpacked to Hong Kong and Australia with sprog in a sarong. but it was TOTALLY different. like Pruni says, the hormones get you. and you are more tired and go much more slowly.

cazH · 06/03/2006 20:53

When I had my first son I thought it would be a breeze. I was a Vice President of a big American Bank and thought how can a little sprog interfere with superwoman. What an eyeopener. It took an hour to get out of the door and then he would be sick and we would have to start over. In the end I was a wreck being a full time mum for the first time and couldnt wait to get back to work. It was easier with my second because I was more relaxed and did'nt think I was going to kill him with all my amateur attempts. After the third I had it licked. I even did an international job and my MBA when the middle one was 2 BUT I cannot recommend a good nanny enough if you can afford it.

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