Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother

[birdsnotbees]

When I had DS, I felt instantly that being a mum was right for me. I got loads of confidence, we got on really well and spent 3 years very close and very happy.

Then DD was born. She has been a bloody nightmare from the word go: not sleeping (at all, ever, and no I am not exaggerating and no, there was nothing 'wrong' with her).

The first 10 months of her life were the worst of mine, our marriage nearly broke up and worst of all my relationship with my DS utterly changed. From having limitless patience and enjoying being with him, I now had none and couldn't wait to get away from both of them.

DD is now 16mo and is mostly a lot happier. Once she could walk, and we cracked sleeping, she stopped screaming 90% of the time. But she is extremely strong-willed, already has the most incredible tantrums, won't eat properly, won't nap during the day - unless she's with her childminder, in which case she eats fine and has 3 hour naps.

Her childminder, who also looked after DS, loves her but admits she is the most challenging child she's looked after.

Anyway, I feel like I am a rubbish mother. My relationship with DS never really recovered, I feel like I used up my store of patience when DD was tiny and he now hits and hurts her all the time, so I end up shouting. Every day is a huge battle, with both of them.

I don't like spending time with them. I look back on the mother I was when DS was born and see someone I would love to be again, but also someone I don't recognise. I feel like these children are not my own; that they must belong to someone else because I just don't understand why they have to be so horrible. And that shocks me, because DS and I were once so close.

I am fed up trudging around in the pissing rain with DD screaming her head off in the pushchair because she's tired because she won't nap, with DS dragging alongside whining, and me literally grinding my teeth because I am so angry that I want to throw her under the next passing car.

I don't understand why she is so angry. I don't understand why she fights everything. She dictates our lives and everyone tiptoes round her lest they upset her. It's not fair on DS because she gets everything she wants just for the sake of having her not scream.

My mum used to look after DD 1 day a week but now doesn't, and won't.

I am fed up of having no friends and no social life and feeling stressed all the time. I don't even like being with 'mummy friends' anymore because their kids all behave better and I just end up even more stressed trying to placate my two clearly unhappy kids.

I blame DD. I do love her, and when she's on form she is utterly amazing. But she also seems to save her worst behaviour just for me. And that behaviour has destroyed me, the person I was, the person I would like to be.

Sorry for the rant. I can't tell anyone any of this, and DH doesn't accept what I feel; he says I demonise DD and she's 'not that bad'. I don't think she is bad, but she is so angry and she has been since the day she was born, and nothing I do makes any difference.

I don't feel like this all the time, but I resent how we are all so dependent on her moods for our own - god knows it's hard being cheerful when a child is screaming, hitting and fighting for hours at a time. Poor DS just doesn't get a look in when she has one of her tantrums; on goes the TV, while I walk around trying to distract her.

So it's not 24/7 like it used to be, but on days like today I just look at my life and wish, really wish, I had never become a mother. I make my kids unhappy - so really, what's the point?

We have had a similar situation. Ds, very calm, laid back child, wanted to please you, then we had dd and what a difference. She was such hardwork, so strong willed and demanding that she took all our energy, especially when I was on my own with the children, ds just got left out. Anyway I know how you feel, but you just have to let dd have her tantrums and as hard as it is don't let her have her own way all the time. Our dd is 3 now and is much easier, still utterly strong willed, it's just her personality but we know how to deal with her. The more she gets her own way, the worse she is! Good luck and chin up... Get help where you can.

My DS is 16 months too, and I empathise with so much of what you have said - although he is my first child. I didn't realise actually how difficult he is (I mean, I knew, but in the context of other children) until we started regularly seeing friends with children his age and constantly being the mother who is run ragged saying no, removing him from situations he shouldn't be in and trying to deal with tantrums, not being able to make eye contact with other parents as we "talk" (I mumble madly and incoherently unable to focus on Tasmanian devil DS and another person while I wrangle with him) because I feel like the worst parent in the world for having a child who can't behave while their toddlers happily listen to instructions or at least sit down and take a drink. Mine won't drink (only breastfeeds) and doesn't always eat - certainly doesn't sleep much.

Whereabouts in the country are you? We should start a harassed mothers club in a padded room where we can fling them and let them battle it out (kind of like soft play but with gin and no well-behaved children allowed ).

I have no suggestions but just wanted to let you know I empathise. It is hard.

My youngest sibling was like this (I was 15 when she was born, so I remember). Epic tantrums that seemed like they'd never end

Things got much better when she started talking. She's very headstrong and independent and needed to communicate what she wanted.

Hang in there, OP. It does get better

Ear defenders were ever my best defence when dealing with ds2's tantrums.

I used to take him up to my bedroom, after setting ds1 up with something to do, and put him into my bed, and lie down with him.

This always has worked a lot better than ignoring. Ignoring works very well when they are attention seeking, but when they have utterly lost control of themselves, demonstrating loving calm can work better .... But also never never never giving in.

OP i just wanted to say i know exactly what you mean, although our situation is different. I loved being a mom with DS1, and it was wonderful. Then when he was 2.7 we has DS2 who i adored but it was hard. He was so different and such hard work. When he was 3.5 he was diagnosed with autism, so a different situation to yours but those 3.5 yrs were hell. I dont know how our marriage survived, it completely changed my relatonship with DS1 and our whole family changed. Looking back now i can see that i was depressed and i am sure AD's would have helped me to survive. He still has ASD but he is easier now in many ways although he will always have challenges. I will never forget the speech therapist who did the initial assessment, she said "is he always like this? He must be exhausting" , i could have cried and kissed her as she was the first person who acknowledged how bloody hard it was for us.
Having a demanding child for whatever reason is incredibly hard but it will get easier in time. Lots of good advice on here, but do try and spend quality time with each child individually and have time away from them both. Ask for help and take any help offered. I could have written your post a couple of years ago.

You must be describing my DD! She's nearly 4 but she has always been spirited and bloody hard work. It's her way or no way basically! Like you, around the 18 month stage was the absolute worst time ever. And there's no preparation with being given children like these is there? We call her a hurricane, it's like your life, your emotions, your house, your relationships have been struck by a hurricane!

It does get easier though, you will learn coping skills, probably ones you never needed with your son. And some things will be easier with a child like your DD than it is for other parents... I can bet you, you will never need to coax your DD into doing new things, activities, starting school, she will jump right it and grab opportunities with both hands like my DD does. She will make friends easily, and probably be the life and soul of any occasion. When I go to collect my DD from preschool, other parents stop me and say "are you so and so's mum? My daughter/son never stops talking about her!"

But she will make you go grey early! And on a serious note, I've felt like you many times, even now I go through rough patches.

I have recently found a website called hand in hand parenting, which has some really interesting ideas about crying children, and letting them cry while you stay with them, instead of trying to shush or distract or scold or ignore.

Lots of free articles but maybe you could have a look at this one and see if it chimes with you?
www.handinhandparenting.org/news/178/64/The-Cries-that-Bind

Hello everyone. DD has been up and down today - she got too tired and just lost the plot by about 5pm, just flailing around, crying. For once, I actually felt sorry for her as I knew it wasn't her fault. She'd refused her nap and was in bits because she was so exhausted. It didn't help her but it did help me.

Mum was also over today and at one point said "she is exactly like you", which she's never said before. She meant it in a good way (this was pre-tantrum); it chimed with my thoughts yesterday in that I react badly to her epict tantrums because I recognise myself in her.

I can't wait for this wonderful, caring teenager to emerge... - Maryz, your DD sounds lovely!

pearla, my DD is still being bf because she too refuses a bottle or any milk other than my own - were our kids separated at birth?! I hated the constant bf-ing for the first 10 months (& tried every trick in the book to persuade her onto a bottle) but weirdly I actually quite like it now. It's the one time she's quiet and still and we get a proper cuddle. How times change.. I'm up North... we could go halves on a padded cell if you're nearby?!

butterfingerz I did wonder about that. DS has really struggled with social situations, joining in, hates loud noise, freaked out at nursery etc. but I do get the feeling DD will be right in there, in the middle of everything. She's already much more independent than he ever was & loves toddling off and getting into mischief.

colditz & napdamnyou I like that idea. I do hate leaving her to cry but she literally fights both DH and me off if we try to hold her mid-tantrum; but abandoning her to her rage feels wrong. I know when I am angry, I also kick off offers of help yet actually, deep down, want some comfort. I'll look at that link & also try just lying close to her on the bed.

And thanks to everyone else, too - I am reading and digesting everyone's posts.

I think you're very brave for writing your feelings down like this. I really feel for you. My DS is, thankfully, very good 95% of the time however I know how I feel sometimes when he's having a bad day so I can sympathise with the frustration you must feel! A few months ago I had such a terrible week with my DS that I actually commented to my best friend that I felt like throwing him across the room! I felt awful the instant those words left my mouth but luckily rather than be shocked or appalled at me my friend just smiled, gave me a quick hug and told me to breathe! I think what I am trying to say is that we all have moments like this, some of us more than others, but it doesn't make us bad mothers. It sounds like discussing it has made you sit back and look at the bigger picture and finally see the wood for the trees. You see similarities between you and your DD and in time that will no doubt help matters!

I also agree with the comment about some babies just not liking being babies! My nephew I believe was one of these babies but is now a funny, wonderful, articulate and caring 4yo - there is definitely hope!

My DD loves ballet, she's relished this year at preschool and can't wait for 'big school'. Your DD will probably be a bit of a social butterfly too, and is just finding this stage of her life incredibly boring and frustrating, it must be hard when you're an extrovert and cannot communicate well!

A good book is 'Raising Your Spirited Child' by Sheedy Kurcinka, if nothing else it just provides you with a lot of reassurance that you're not the only one as the author has worked with many a parent like us and provided lots of anecdotes much like your OP. A good book to share with your kids is 'Good baby, Bad baby' by Nanette Newman, it's so funny and my DD especially loved me reading the bad baby part over and over!