Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother

[birdsnotbees]

When I had DS, I felt instantly that being a mum was right for me. I got loads of confidence, we got on really well and spent 3 years very close and very happy.

Then DD was born. She has been a bloody nightmare from the word go: not sleeping (at all, ever, and no I am not exaggerating and no, there was nothing 'wrong' with her).

The first 10 months of her life were the worst of mine, our marriage nearly broke up and worst of all my relationship with my DS utterly changed. From having limitless patience and enjoying being with him, I now had none and couldn't wait to get away from both of them.

DD is now 16mo and is mostly a lot happier. Once she could walk, and we cracked sleeping, she stopped screaming 90% of the time. But she is extremely strong-willed, already has the most incredible tantrums, won't eat properly, won't nap during the day - unless she's with her childminder, in which case she eats fine and has 3 hour naps.

Her childminder, who also looked after DS, loves her but admits she is the most challenging child she's looked after.

Anyway, I feel like I am a rubbish mother. My relationship with DS never really recovered, I feel like I used up my store of patience when DD was tiny and he now hits and hurts her all the time, so I end up shouting. Every day is a huge battle, with both of them.

I don't like spending time with them. I look back on the mother I was when DS was born and see someone I would love to be again, but also someone I don't recognise. I feel like these children are not my own; that they must belong to someone else because I just don't understand why they have to be so horrible. And that shocks me, because DS and I were once so close.

I am fed up trudging around in the pissing rain with DD screaming her head off in the pushchair because she's tired because she won't nap, with DS dragging alongside whining, and me literally grinding my teeth because I am so angry that I want to throw her under the next passing car.

I don't understand why she is so angry. I don't understand why she fights everything. She dictates our lives and everyone tiptoes round her lest they upset her. It's not fair on DS because she gets everything she wants just for the sake of having her not scream.

My mum used to look after DD 1 day a week but now doesn't, and won't.

I am fed up of having no friends and no social life and feeling stressed all the time. I don't even like being with 'mummy friends' anymore because their kids all behave better and I just end up even more stressed trying to placate my two clearly unhappy kids.

I blame DD. I do love her, and when she's on form she is utterly amazing. But she also seems to save her worst behaviour just for me. And that behaviour has destroyed me, the person I was, the person I would like to be.

Sorry for the rant. I can't tell anyone any of this, and DH doesn't accept what I feel; he says I demonise DD and she's 'not that bad'. I don't think she is bad, but she is so angry and she has been since the day she was born, and nothing I do makes any difference.

I don't feel like this all the time, but I resent how we are all so dependent on her moods for our own - god knows it's hard being cheerful when a child is screaming, hitting and fighting for hours at a time. Poor DS just doesn't get a look in when she has one of her tantrums; on goes the TV, while I walk around trying to distract her.

So it's not 24/7 like it used to be, but on days like today I just look at my life and wish, really wish, I had never become a mother. I make my kids unhappy - so really, what's the point?

And you are not a bad mother, some children are more difficult, that's all. Maryz is right in saying that you should not forget yourself in all this.

Thank you Maryz, your post brought tears to my eyes but in a good way. With kids and work I have got lost. The whole experience has shaken me to the core and yes, I need to look after myself more, and try and get some of the old me back so that I don't feel so resentful and angry. And then I will no doubt feel like and actually be a better mother. And wife, and friend. Because I am not being 'good' at any of those things right now.

And thank you Bigmerlin, too, I never thought about signing classes - I actually think she'd love them because she copies actions all the time.

If she can behave well with the cm then I am sorry but the problem is with you. I am not saying this to be nasty but from picking up in your post-you found your dd much harder than your ds right from the start. She feels your stress and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I do agree with your dh that you seem to demonise her a bit-she is just a wee toddler!

I do sympathise as I have 3 dcs and their are days when I truly feel I could strangle them and I struggle to hold my temper.

I second the suggestion of seeing doctor or perhaps health visitor? Also please dont avoid making friends because you think you are being judged-possibly being around other children more will help your dd?

Winny, thank you. She does play me, she is scarily bright already - it's amazing in one way but terrifying in another! I find it so odd that she doesn't talk yet given what she is capable of and what she clearly understands. She gets a lot from body language too I guess, so knows when I'm pissed off.

And yes, I need to be like our CM, i.e. consistent. On sleep, basically DH managed to sort it out by taking over - even though I tried to be consistent, she could scream for hours and so, exhausted, I'd give in. He played it hardcore and now she sleeps 12 hours a night - a miracle, given that she would wake every 45mins. But it took two months of him putting her to bed and dealing with the night wakings - this is how stubborn she is.

Mind you, she gets that from her dad, as he wouldn't give in either!

Ishoes, I take your point. I do think I'm to blame. But the fact that my CM, who has been working with kids for 15 years, has also said she is the most challenging child she's ever come across - and she is a truly wonderful CM, she really is - is an indication that DD is not on the 'oooh just a bit naughty' range.

She can literally tantrum, full-on, for 1-2 hours - hitting, screaming, fighting, throwing herself on the floor. She can resist a nap for 3 hours. She can cry for 12 hours straight. So after 15 months of that, yes, I do struggle to think well of her. But only when she is crying - when she's not, I love her. She's wonderful, she really is.

Im sorry perhaps I didnt read the ops original post fully-I didnt realise there was some kind of sn. Apologies op-but I stand by the fact that your dd is picking up your resentment towards her. Please do go back to your gp and push for a diagnosis.

Oh I feel for you! I have had a really shitty day and cannot wait for my kids to go to bed and actually for once that's not their fault.

I too had a boy first who is now 5. He is lovely gentle and quiet. My daughter who is now 2 and a half is the exact
oppsite. Difficult, wilful etc etc. I do always say I'd rather have her than a shy, retiring wallflower but my God I'm at the end of my tether some days. She too is very bright and I think frustration was a lot of the problem with her. She now talks very well so hopefully that will happen soon for you. It may seem tough now but lets just comfort ourselves with the thought that we have brought wonderfully, intelligent, spirited girls into the world who will grow into fabulous women (????!!!!)

What is your usual response when she is tantrumming for hours at a time? I would send her to her room tbh-I know will get flamed for that but I also believe in cc-which I see you mentioned worked for the cm but not you? Perhaps I sounded too harsh-I am really not trying to blame you-more to point out that as long as you see it as a sort of battle-you v her-then she will keep fighting you!

I agree perhaps when she starts to talk things will improve-fingers crossed!!

Thanks all - have to go now but will come back later. I have found everyone's posts very, very helpful and feel better just for having had the chance to talk it through a bit. Ishoes - no offence taken.

Oh you poor thing!

GPs and HVs are pretty useless IMHO opnion wrt child development. Ask for a referral to a child development paed and write down all your worries, how she behaves and wha milestones she has missed (talking etc) and what ones she was advanced in, if any.

Good luck x

I don't really believe that the problem is automatically with the parent either. It's very simplistic. I mean, my ds is insanely jealous of his siblings and that causes a lot of problems. It's nobody's fault per se.

If you don't spend any quality time alone together, then do try that. It can be hard to want to when the child is being unpleasant.

She's very little yes but it is shocking and devastating and awesome how one small person can control a household in that way. I still get stomach churning anticipation when I feel ds1 is going to kick off. The pressure on families and marriages can be awful.

The worst thing is when nobody believes you.

I firmly believe that every child goes through some period in their life when they are an utter nightmare. For every child there is a stage in their development that really doesn't suit them and they are angry and disruptive all the time. For your DD, that's happening now, when she's a toddler and that's quite a lucky thing because she is portable and doesn't have to go to school. Something will change for her - she will start talking or reading or discover music and things will get better for her and as a result for you. The key is not to pigeonhole her now and see her as "difficult" for her whole life. She will get better, I guarantee it, and you need to be able to recognise that and start to ease off. Otherwise the danger is that she will never escape from her role as the tough kid and she will never get the chance to improve.

She is being a nightmare, that's not your fault, but it's not really her fault either. Wait it out, and your lovely daughter will emerge.

OP I really feel for you. Sometimes I don't want to be a mummy either, and my two are pretty 'easy' kids in comparison to what you've described.

Some ideas off the top of my head:

• might be worth going to see a speech and language therapist. They weren't interested in my DS until he turned 2 and still not speaking, but it does seem to vary between regions. They are really good at identifying other possible things going on such as autism etc that might be causing communication problems (and other behaviour maybe?).

• do you have a spare bedroom that you can make completely safe for her to have her tantrums in. i.e. clear of all furniture apart from a mattress!! Then you can see her 2 - 3 hour tantrums as wonderful 1 on 1 time with your DS, just leave her in the room for her to calm down and sort herself out.

• can you get outside as much as possible, with a football and burn off some of her tantrum energy. The rain is a bonus - puddles to splash in, and no-one else there to be judgy-pants about your parenting!

Good luck!

Cailin, that's a really interesting point. I did manage to talk about it to one person, someone I don't know that well actually but who was lovely - she said that some babies just hate being babies and that once they get a bit of independence they grow out of being cross all the time.

I do get flashes of that with DD - she has just started being super-affectionate and tonight gave me the biggest kisses and cuddles, and lots of giggles. I think the problem is my tolerance is now so low that it takes not a lot to plunge me into the depths of despair again, hence my earlier post. And actually she is miles better than she used to be.

I have been pigeonholed my whole life by my family and it sucks. I would hate to do the same thing to DD.

You have all been very kind but I suspect I have been a little passive and woe is me about all this. She needs more structure, a bit of tough love now and again, and I need to put into practice a lot of the advice here. And then wait.

Thank you all again. I can't tell you how much this has been a lifesaver today.

I know a little girl just like that. She has not had a diagnosis or special needs but sees a sensory therapist, who works with her on calming. She has a teething ring to bite and a large rubber band to pull, when she is getting her self worked up.

I do not know all of the exercises she does or the reasons behind them, but I know her mother feels a lot better and her DDis happier. The tantrums are much shorter.

Maybe speak to the health visitor.

I have a horrible feeling I was that child

Apparently my mother, who was very experienced, very naturally good with children, broke down and sobbed to her mum "I'll never rear that child, I'll never rear that child."

In my case, there as no SN or anything like that- I was bright but not super-genius-bright. It was more what Cailin said about how some stages don't suit certain children. I had an enormous need for autonomy and independence and simply got on a lot better when I was old enough to have those things.

I gave very little trouble in my teens because then I found I could have all the independence I craved as long as I behaved sensibly. And my mother had years of really enjoying my company.

Ds otoh was a lovely sunny toddler and small boy, but is struggling with his pre-teens because the whole thing about growing up and independence scares him; so he is difficult and non-cooperative because he doesn't know whether he really wants to be grown-up. I am sure he will find his way and that this too shall pass.

SO don't give up yet- there may be good times ahead of you.

Birdsnotbees your post has really struck a chord with me. DD now 22 months is very much like your daughter but sooooo much better now than she was even 6 months ago. I couldn't wait for my maternity leave to end so I could go to back to work to get away from her she absolutely drained me of every ounce of anything I had (physical/emotional). I went back to work over a stone lighter than I had been pre-pregnancy I was so frazzled by the whole thing. She popped out looking angry and stayed that way for at least a year! She hated being a baby, but now she is begining to talk and can communiate what she wants our lives are 100 times easier.

I truly had a lightbulb moment when I read this book Fussy Baby Book (lots of reviews on Amazon). Although she didn't tick every box, she was 90% there. I don't agree with labelling children either, but it certainly opened my eyes to the fact that not all babies are the "3 naps a day, 12 hrs sleep at night, happy to be looked after by anyone" types

It will get better. I look back at my previous posts on my ante natal thread and get teary when I remember how awful it was. Keep going, put one foot in front of the other and breathe. You are doing a great job.

I admire your honesty in your post, it sounds like you have really hit rock bottom, and am absolutley exhausted.

I agree with other posters, you needs some to rest, refuel and take care of yourself. You love you DD you say she's amazing when she's on form, and love the kisses and cuddles. She sounds like a fascinating character!

What are you most afraid of? You say it's when she kicks off? I take it you mean screaming and crying?

Other posters have suggested it's because you're not strict enough with her, but perhaps she kicks off with you, because she's bringing all her sad angry feelings to you, because you are her mother. so it's important how you react to this,

I suggest doing something against the grain, and that is simply to show your love! When she tantrums, be there for her, say kind words, that you are going to support her through her rage, listen stay with her, don't send her to her room! If she is going to hit other members of the family, or damage your belongings then hold her tight, so she can't (while explaining what you are doing).

Your daughter is suffering -- maybe because of lack of languague, her extreme inteligence, because of rivalry with your ds and because the relationship between the two of you has become fractious. It's no more her fault than it is yours, so don't blame, just help her with her feelings.

Your daughter naturally knows how to become a more relaxed happy child, crying and raging, are the way children express their feelings, if you can stay with her for how long she cries, or get your DH too, if you respond with love, instead of anger, she will reach the end of her crying, and if she does this time and time again, she will be able to mend her hurt feelings and behave better. There is a wonderful book, called 'tears and tantrums' which can help you understand why crying and raging is the best thing your daughter can do in the circumstances, and how you don't need to be afraid. (the books by aletha solter).

I have other suggestions, but it would be too long a post, there's loads of resources out there, that will help you, I think to be honest, that positive parenting is the only kind of parenting that really works, you just have to learn how to do it properly. All other parenting just results in a battle of wills.

one more thing to do, is to have one on one time with each child, ask them what they want to do, and then do it with them, this is as important for your daughter as it is for your son, as although she is the one who is most 'badly' behaved she is also suffering, I know you are busy with your job, but if you can find the time when you are not working it is very important
and of course don't forget special time for yourself, you sound like you need it!

I just reread your opening post, and realised she's only 16 months, I got confused when another poster said send her to her room! So she can't tell you what she'd like to do for special time, you could just get down on the floor with her and play whatever she seems inclined to play.

She's not even two yet - so plenty of time to mend your relationship and bring out her good points!

DD1 is 16 shortly but she hated being a baby and being a child even. She was difficult, wilful and defiant for her first 12 years and the tantrums were horrendous. But the teenage years have been an absolute breeze so far.

DD3 (5) has a similar personality to DD1 but is more aggressive. Her wonderful childminder said that she's never come across a child who has such severe tantrums and even her teacher words things carefully so as not to set her off. I also get that 'stomach churning anticipation' when I know she's going to kick off about something. I don't give in to her EVER so it's not that I'm not being consistent. I recently started giving her vitamins with omega 3 and it's taken the edge off her anger so I'm going to see if I can increase the dose

I feel better about going through this with DD3 because DD1 turned out great. Sometimes it's about living through it as best you can until your child turns that corner.

Disclaimer; my lovely, calm, reasonable DD2 is changing as she approaches the teenage years. I agree with another poster who said that children generally go through a period of development that doesn't suit them. I just hope that DD3 has turned her corner before DD2 gets to her difficult period. I had one year when DD1 and DD3 were both going through their difficult phases. I never want to go through anything like that again :(

You are all being so kind to me. I don't feel like I deserve it; I feel very guilty about my OP, but I do feel so much better for letting it out.

Cory, Maiden, alldirections: you've given me hope!

Cloudhands: thanks for your considered post; positive parenting is something I strive for, but often don't quite manage..

I wonder if part of it is that we are very similar. I am quite stroppy, quick to anger, but also happiest letting it all out - I get cross and then sort whatever the problem is and move on. Sadly my family is the opposite and so I have been labelled my whole life as 'difficult' and 'moody', whereas in fact I just express how I feel, when I feel. Mostly. (My parents are extremely passive-aggressive.)

But that's ironic, given that I am not allowing my DD that same right - to get cross and still be loved. I mean, she would try the patience of a saint sometimes but... I am the grown-up.

It might be a coincidence but despite not having a nap today (sigh) she's been on top form. A lot of laughing, playing, cuddles and actually no major tantrums - just the odd bit of fighting now and again. So maybe I need to be more careful with looking after how I feel so that she in turn feels calmer and happier.

I'm sure I'll have bad days again but... I don't know. A lot to think about and put into action. Thank you all again. I really do love Mumsnet!

That's brill & if Mumsnet allows you a safe environment to vent, perfect

Hope it all works well for you & I'm sure it will.