Should we tell our children if they were mistakes?

[Beetroot]

I would not. But interested in otheres opinions

ahh but you see Caligula - I was not only a 'mistake' I was also unplanned, my brother was to be an only child

i know what the question was mtpw, that wasnt what i meant. i wasnt being arsy, i just honestly wondered if anyone would rather fib to the kids than tell them they were unplanned. i was just curious that was all. like i said, it never occured to me before that it should bother me. certainly i know i would never call any child a mistake!

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oh my god, theres no way if i thought my children were mmistakes could i ever tell them!! Thats HARSH!! Where on earth would you start???? Blimey, noway!

I grew up knowing that me and my sister weren't planned. My sister (who is older) was a result of a split condom when my mum was 18. I was the result of antibiotics while she was on the pill when she was 22. I have no problem with it as such, but sometimes wonder what would have happened if mum had decided not to keep us. She split with my biological father not long after I was born.
My younger sister was planned (with my step dad)
I wouldn't tell my children they were mistakes (if I had any that were). I currenly only have a 20 week old DD and she was planned. I plan to have one more. If number three happened to come along, I'd never say they were a mistake.

My SIL was a big surprise to MIL (on pill and using condoms). After having three DSs and deciding no more, MIL has always told her DD how determined and stubborn she was even at the moment of conception (and 'meant to be', as MIL didn't think she would ever have a longed-for DD). She thinks it's brill and is not at all fazed by it. I don't necessarily think children equate unplanned with unwelcome. IMO children are aware if they are welcome or not. SIL is more perturbed by the fact that she knows she was conceived on the IL's sofa (which DH and I have recently inherited as we don't have one ).

ds2 was a mistake. He should never have been thought about, let alone conceived.

I was on the verge of splitting with ex-dh at the time, and figured that being on my own with 2 already would be hard enough. Trying for no.3 was an attempt to patch things up. I came off the pill to try for a third but quickly realised that it was the wrong thing to do and that we would inevitably split so I decided to go back on the pill.

Sadly it was too late....I was already pregnant and I went to the docs requesting an abortion. I would have been about 6-7 weeks gone by then - the gp told me to come back in 2 weeks if I still felt the same. During that time, I told ex-dh I was pregnant and I didn't have the heart to go back to the gp.

I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had gone through with the termination. I don't regret having him, as such, but I do sometimes think how close he came to never being here. So he really was a mistake but I would never,ever tell him that.

No Definetley not.

I was a mistake, but always assured I was a much loved and never regretted one and it's never been a problem. It wasn't mentioned till I was a teen and I think it was me that used the word mistake!

Thanks for this it cheered me up - expecting a "big mistake" in 3 weeks at 45 - a boy after three daughters and am very worried. Am secretly hoping he might be gay and then at least I might know how to relate to him. Boys seem like little aliens to me but will make sure I never say he was a mistake

dd2 was a complete surprise, i had a coil in at the time, but we soon got used to the idea and i cant imagine life without her,if she asked one day, i would say she wasnt planned but was a very welcome new addition to the family.
i would never tell a child that they were a mistake.

Well I am definitely a mistake! My dad was married to someone else when he and my mum conceived me and he was also expecting a baby by his first wife (6 months btwn me and my step sister!) When I found out about this at about 13, it caused me a lot of emotional trauma although I would say that much of my angst was the usual teenage 'poor me' rubbish. We get on really well now but I can't say I was planned in any way, or that the news of my conception would have been particularly welcome at the time.

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my mum told me she got pg by getting my dad drunk as she wanted to get married. so to him i was a mistake, to her i was a by-product of a plan. nice.

Mistake os an awful word - how can any child be a mistake!!!!!!?? Unplanned, perhaps but I don't believe in "mistakes" - and no I wouldn't tell my children that they were unplanned (DD1 was, DD2 was not!!) - I love them and I accept them - however they came into being!!!

My youngest sister has never been referred to as a mistake, but rather a little miracle I suppose I was probably a mistake too, but I think a lot of 'mistakes' are really broody ladies justifying their pg to their dh's/dp's! My mum's sister had given birth a couple of months before I was conceived

I'm with Spacecadet - I had a coil fitted when my ds was conceived and I can tell you the day he was conceived too! Also, I was on the labour ward with a girl who had an accident with the pill and another who had an accident with a condom AND had taken the morning-after pill!

I think some things are just meant to be and when ds is old enough to understand the birds and the bees I'll joke that he was certainly determined! (stubbornness thinly disguised as determination is a family trait!)

Unplanned doesn't mean unwanted and the word 'mistake' shouldn't be used to describe anyone. I mean, how would you feel if your mother told you that you were a mistake?!

[shocked]

Do you reckon I could sue the company who made the coil I was using?? And the doctor who put it in??

Sorry, that should have been , not [shocked]!

[sorry]

I really should prevew messages!

what??, i could have got compensation??

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating...

A v experienced midwife I know overheard her older children telling her youngest that he was an "accident" and he was very upset. She sat him down and told him that anyone can have a baby intentionally but to come along the way he did meant he was a special gift from God. I think it's a really nice explanation.

That's a really nice way of explaining it! Think I'll use that in future when ds asks.

this is interesting because my work pal & I are discussing this very thing.

I was a mistake. So far I've never managed to find out the real story of what went on.

There are various ways I just knew. When my mum got divorced, I was 18 & she would tell people, in my company, of 18 years marriage gone.

I visited the census place (with a friend tracing her family tree) & decided I would look up my parents marriage date. I found it a year after they 'should' have married. I asked my mum the direct question, asking her if she could please tell the truth & of course she lied.

Having spoken to my gran about it, it was obviously a tramatic time all around. My parents never had a happy marriage (so my childhood was full of rows/silences/atmospheres etc) & I frequently wished I wasn't born - also an only child.

I think the key here is to be honest - if my parents had been in love & been happy, it wouldn't matter 2 hoots.

I also think unplanned is a better way of putting it. Life's never perfect, but trying to cover up, just makes everything worse.

my son was VERY unplanned. his father and me were broken up when i got pregnant and i didnt find out this til i had moved back to america.

but i would have a thought he was a mistake.

my mother once told me i was a mistake.
that's something you just don't get over.