Should we tell our children if they were mistakes?

[Beetroot]

I would not. But interested in otheres opinions

I think you need to be very careful Oops too late for that

My parents always described my younger sister as a surprise! My mother was going through an early menopause (no periods for more than a year) when she felt 'funny'. Dr thought she was having a phantom pregnancy brought on by her feelings about her early menopause and robustly refused to test - in the days when only drs had tests (at least this was the case in the wilds of Northern Scotland). She finally convinced him when she was 6 months gone

Whilst parent presented this as Dsis being a surprise, my older sis and I were relentless in pointing out to her that this was a eupehmism for a bloody great accident! Rotten little cows that we were!

I think it is wise to be very very careful about what you tell your children

My DS was born exactly 9 months after I got hammered on my birthday, having just stopped breast feeding DD. He wasn't an accident as such (fgs we were 37YO) but neither was he planned and came along a lot sooner that we would have wanted to!

I suspect we will spare him the unnecessary details - he was a very wanted baby - surely the circumstances don't matter overly much!

Those of you that say you wouldn't tell your children - would you lie if they asked you outright.

I suspected i was unplanned so asked my mum outright. I could tell from her response that she was worried about how to phrase it/upsetting me but I actually appreciated her honesty. She didn't cal me a mistake though, I was a nice suprise (after the iniyial shock wore off lol)

I think I was a mistake. My mum was 17 when she had me - my dad 20. They lived next door to each other. They got married in Feb, I was born in August...

They have never discussed it with me, but I wouldn't particularly appreciate being called a mistake. I often wonder if they would still have been together had they not had me ...although after 38 years of marriage and 3 more kids I suppose they were made for each other.

I don't think it matters one bit. I know I wasn't planned and neither was db2 - doesn't matter to me. What matters is the childhood that you have and the relationship you have with your parents. I know that I am loved and that's all that counts.

"mistake" is an awful word. That's totally different from "unplanned" to my ears. "Mistake" implies that they shouldn't have let it happen & therefore entirely unwanted, that's horrible.

My parents, DH's mum, me, DH, all our brothers, 2 of my own 3 kids were all "unplanned". We wouldn't be here but for unplanned pregnancies. However, only my mother was actually "unwanted" as well as unplanned.

no way - "mistake" what a thing to say to your child!

NO! Just in answer to the initial question - I felt the need to yell NO!!

Unplanned/surprise is infinately better...

I was told I was an accident, then again it was drunkenly teamed with 'I wish I'd never had you' so probably hit a bit harder... (my Mum's a bit off the rails, always has been)

Definitely not.

Ex-h's parents are quite open about the fact that he and his sister were both mistakes. He has incredibly low self-esteem - wonder why?

Message withdrawn

I was a welcome suprise and have never had negative connotations about it - but I think that's becasue of the context - my parents tried for years to have kids, gave up, adopted my brother, then almost immediately conceived my other brother, then several years later I appear. Mum has always said how special we all were - each with a differnt story. I actually think it's lovely, but guess it's differnet from bing the 1 couple in a thousand - or whatver it is - that conceive while on the pill type scenario

i was unplanned. in fact, my mum really cant stand kids . but i cant say its ever bothered me. in fact, it was a miracle im even here so i feel quite special . my son was planned, my daughter was not. i always wanted another child, the timing and circumstances were perhaps a bit off (ok a lot off), but after getting over the intital shock of being pregnant i was absolutely in love with her (think two days later!!). im not going to lie to her about it. she was unplanned, but definately not a mistake.

mum told me when she got pregnant my dad didnt want me and thought i was a nuisance dont know if its true as they were getting a messy divorce and she was a bit bitter, i was only 11 result of which i now have a crap relationship wiht both of them, got pregnant when on pill at 34 feel a bit daft having an accident, ex partner made it clear from start he didnt want the baby nagged me to have an abortion i refused he eventually left when i was 8 and half months pregnant her birth certificate was left blank now have new partner and am having daughter re registered with him as father dont know if i will ever tell her about her biological father she thinks my partner is her dad and he is

yeah, sure, why not - how about telling them they're ugly too, while we're at it!

My parents have always told me i was a mistake and my Mam had her tubes tied as soon as i was out!
It hasn't really affected me that much.............

sniff...sniff...

No i wouldn't to be seious, i have no idea why anyone would but it's a great source of amusement for my Parents for some strange reason!

im quite shocked really, i never saw it as such a big deal before i saw this thread. those of you who would never tell your children they were unplanned, do you think it is better to lie to them? i would have a really hard time lying to dd. "well yes dear, id known your father for years and we had split up, met up again years later, were only together for a few months but yes you were planned". i dont think its going to wash with her somehow.

she was unplanned yes but i would imagine the fact i went through my pg alone and brought her up ever since would give her a clue she is as much loved as my son. (hate to say it but there were other options i could have taken) there is no reason in the world that she would ever think i loved her any less than her brother.

no-one can plan everything in their life. im sure there are many people who come to love things/people/children that were not planned...stepchildren for example. what difference does it make?

i think its more important to be honest with my children (ok obviously im not going to tell dd her dad was cold hearted wan**r) but there are nicer ways of explaining what happened when the time comes.

whatever happens, she knows she is loved very much and always has been.

Depends on how you say it. I was unplanned. My mum didn't tell me this though until my adult hood. She requested an abortion but the GP refused BUT she said that I was the best mistake she had ever made and is really pleased I am here. Makes me feel like I was 'meant to be'.

My DS2 was unplanned. We call him our 'bonus baby'.

Now mine are grown up - I tell them they were all anomalies. The first was naivete, the second I was drunk and the third, I was pissed (not true BTW)- they find it highly amusing. TO be honest only our second was planned - but I wouldn't have been without any of them

I've always known I was unplanned, as a child I delighted in telling people that I was in my Mummy's tummy when she got married. I had no idea that it might be seen as a bad thing at all.

"My mum was 15 when she got pregnant. The sad thing is, she genuinely feels that having a baby at 16 was the best thing that could have happened to her. That's not sad in itself, but knowing her family (they are, after all, my family too) and her background, and knowing she's reasonably able and bright, I feel sorry that she didn't get out and do more."

HERRUMPH! Best thing I ever did! Getting pregnant at 16 can be great, and I like to think I'm able, capable and bright too. It's helped me gain the maturity I need to know exactly what career to work towards and I'm a much much better person for it. Thankyou Bet it did your mum good too (she obviously thinks so!)

nightowl - the question was not would you tell your children they were unplanned, the word used was mistake. would you tell your child they were a mistake.

it is one thing to discuss - at an appropriate time - that you were not actively trying to conceive when you became pregnant. It is quite another to tell your child their existance is a mistake you made in your life!!

Well i know that at a new years eve party (1980) my parents consumed lots of alcohol and their "new years resolution" was to have a baby

well that night i was concieved...

they hadnt really thought about it, REALLY, (but were pleased etc..)

even tho my mum was only 20.... she was married and had her own house tho.

(By my age she had 2 kids, 1 of whom (me) had nearly started school! )

It doesnt bother me at all that i was a drunken idea... in fact i think its quite funny!

I was definitely unplanned and my parents were always honest about that in a 'you were a surprise but a lovely surprise' fashion. Never bothered me at all - amusing, if anything. They were in their final year at university and didn't marry until I was three months old (mother didn't want a shotgun wedding).

Neither of my sisters were planned either. My mother had a miscarriage with another unplanned baby. And both my sisters now have 'surprise' babies. Oh, and my mother was definitely unwanted (adopted, no father's name on birth certficate).

I seem to be the only one in three generations who has managed to get married first and plan parenthood!

the thing that worries me most about knowing I was a "mistake" is....................what the hell happened to the coil she had fitted 6 weeks previously ! Dad said he remebers 'feeling' it when he was home on leave, but it was gone by the time I was born......I reckon it's floating round me somewhere

I always assumed I was a mistake, along with 99.9% of the rest of the human race. Must be my catholic upbringing.

I agree presentation is the key. Being a mistake is very different from being unplanned. Both mine were planned in that I wanted babies and wasn't doing contraception so I knew I might have them, but both were unplanned in that I was planning on perfect easy children who learned to read, have table manners, wash, dress themselves, be polite, be musical geniuses, famous sportspersons and nobel prize-winning scientists all without any effort on my part.

The best laid plans of mice and men and all that...