Should we tell our children if they were mistakes?

[Beetroot]

I would not. But interested in otheres opinions

I found out fairly recently that I was a "happy accident"!! Had no idea when I was growing up and it made no difference to me to find this out.

I wasn't planned (parents happy to stop at 2) and it doesn't botther me - BUT and its a big but it depends how you are told. I have a friend with a sister 18 months younger than himself and she was catagorically told she was a mistake and wasn't wanted (nice!) - has really helped that relationship

imo, it's all semantics.
i was a mistake. i know that because my mum was still at school and had a place at uni sorted when she got pregnant. she's also given me details about how i was conceived (yuck) and i know that it profoundly affected her life because i hear about that all the time. it doesn't make any difference to me how it is worded - unplanned, surprise, mistake....all the same stuff. the hardest time was when my parents got divorced - they'd only got married because of me in the first place and i felt somehow responsible for the mess. difficult for an 11 year old.

Not sure. DD was a "surprise" but I wouldn't her to think she isn't loved very much wanted and adored.

So I probably won't tell her.

I was number 6 and my Mum told me when I was about 11 that she didn't want any more (had 4 boys and 1 girl) and she actually asked the doctor to book her in for an abortion but my Dad didn't like the idea and talked her round. She stayed in hospital after having me to be sterilised - very unusual 34 years ago, they just didn't sterilise young (30), healthy women then

I still say, and always will, that I didn't need to know this

A guy I used to work with, once told me he was an oops baby....the sibling closest to him was fifteen years older than him. He seemed unpreterbed by it all, slightly amused if anything.
I think it all depends on how you tell the child, if you do at all.
I doubt I'll tell mine, I love her to bits, and am really pleased about having had her, just hadn't thought I would be able to fall again that quickly if at all (had mad problems falling pg with first).

DS was not planned but I would certainly never tell him he was a 'mistake'. I love the phrase happy accident

No. It's your 'baggage' - nothing at all to do with the child once it is born - by the time the child is born he/she is v much wanted - we hope. If not, why not?

My gm told my mother that they wanted their son, and then a little sister for him to play with....and then they had mum. I think it has affected her all her life, in a small way.

If it was a mistake, there is no excuse for making it the child's problem, IMO.

Lalaa - yes, I can see that that is more complicated

My friend says hers were planned but came a couple of years early.I personally would never tell but mine were both planned so it is a conversation that could never happen.

I have a friend who's one of four siblings. Of these, the parents only actually planned one, the rest slipped through.

The youngest (by a significant age gap) 'slipped through' after a vasectomy.

They seem to just laugh at their parents' incompetence. Perhaps the fact that three of them were unplanned softens the blow...?

I think it probably has less to do with if a child is told and more to do with how, and how they are brought up.

Having said that, I was certainly made aware on several occasions, in a not so thoughtful way and it never bothered me, so the individual childs ability to deal with it also has to be a factor.

Batters, just a good topic for a cold wednesday afternoon

I was wonderfing if I shoudl tel my faughter that not only was she a mistake but I took the morning adfter pill as well....hmm perhpas not

My ds was unplanned but not a mistake.
Me on the other hand was told by my mother during an arguement that I was a mistake that ruined her life. Took quite a bit of counselling to deal with that. So don't ever say it unless you want to screw your kids up totally.

I've thought about this too. I had dreadful depression when I was pregnant. I didn't want the pregnancy at all and the depression was symptomatic of that. I suffered delusions in the end and nearly stabbed myself because I thought I would be getting rid of the demon that had taken possession of me.

I set up a website about it and have been very vocal about it on here, in articles and on the radio. So I think I probably will tell her. It makes no difference to how I feel about her now and it might help her to realise that her parents are actually human beings. If I'm honest with her maybe she'll be honest with me too!

On the whole, I am not in favour of secrecy and I think it is quite nice to know the history of your origins, whether or not you were 'planned' or perhaps not quite so....of course I am assuming this is in the context of being loved and wanted and never having it being used in anger, so to speak - that seems very low.
I know a couple of friends conceived by accident of student parents - no use covering it up, the timing and consequences all too plain to see! But very happy marriages and much wanted children and I don't think knowing that they came along rather sooner than intended has damaged them at all.
I don't have the dilemma as both mine needed assistance to be conceived - but I'll have to work out when to tell them about that....

dd was not planned. i was on the pill, was told id never have kids and we used protection. i just look at it that she was ment to be and she chose me to be her mummy who am i to argue with fate. it just makes her all the more special

Depending on your PoV I've heard a few mums talk about their surprise babies as unexepected gifts

When I was pregnant a colleague asked me if we had planned the baby. Everyone else was shocked at his rudeness, but I just laughed before telling him that he might not get such a great response if he asked that question of other people.

I don't think that the information is relevant either.

No way. There was a girl at school- her Mum told her she was a mistake every time they fell out, and she was a right mess , obviuosly despearte to be wanted by someone, anyone- poor thing.

Being wanted doesn't guarantee much either tho, I was baby number 6, first to live and desparately wanted miracle baby but Muma nd dad had mental health issues so I never felt wanted. You can tell them you want them until you go blue in the face, they need to feel it too.

DH and I joke between ourselves that DD was a "happy accident". As an adopted child I grew up feeling very secure because I knew that I was very much wanted so I would never have any of my children think that they were anything but. Both the boys were very much planned, but in some ways the fact that my daughter was obviously "meant to be" is quite special.

A lovely surprise. Not planned, neither of mine were, but I will tell them both they were both a lovely surprise. It's the truth.

I was a "mistake". It's a family joke and I've known for years and am frequently told during banter between my sisters and I. Mum apparently cried when she found out she was pg as she was going to be the oldest mum at the school (at 35 which was old in those days) and she worried where I would sit as they only had 4 sides to the table!

This thread has really set me thinking about it. I can honestly say it has never bothered me but I think that's probably because I have never been made to feel like I was a mistake once I was here IYSWIM.

i have - told them all

maybe they will leave home quicker?

Custy!!!