'SAHMS' that have full time childcare or help - a fantastic liberation or downright lazy?

[Enid]

There are lots of mothers down here in Dorset who are (or whose husbands are) well off enough to afford NOT to work. I know a few and they all have full time aupairs or nannies. One of them has TWO nannies - one for each of her children.

It seems to be a matter of pride that you always take the nanny/au pair on holiday to help with your children. Also that the nanny/au pair takes the children to clubs and activities.

OK - I think it is outrageously lazy (and so does dh). What do you think?

muma3, if you had a genuine choice between taking your kids along while you had a smear test or leaving them with someone, are you really saying you'd choose to take them?

muma - out of interest do you have family local to you that help out? or would you have to take pre-schoolers along to medical appointments/smear tests etc?

DD would be devestated to miss out on the school runs. She is generally quite disappointed at weekends not to be chucked in her pushchair shortly after getting dressed. I really don't see a problem with the afternoons either because I think by that time she should be getting up anyway. I would like a method of keeping her asleep past 3 pm on Friday so I could just park her in her pushchair outside assembly rather than have to entertain her but haven't worked this out yet.

thanks expat! sounds like an excuse to get the girls together and have a blether! great!

well I managed for a good few years with no childcare

if I had a smear I left them with a friend

but actually I just didnt have a smear

haircuts booked on a saturday when dh could watch them

This thread is moving way too quick for me but just wanted to say I agree with you Muma3. I personally wouldn't want anyone else in the house, I like it being just us.

Isn't it just our expectations of what being a parent is about? This wouldn't have been uncommon in Victorian times (when help was cheap and incomes much more unequal) or indeed in developing countries now - have a friend who was born in Ethiopia in a nice middle class family and they had nanny, cook, gardener, housekeeper, the works - and she has a very good relationship with her parents. I reckon if you can afford it why not, if you can cope with the guilt! I already have a cleaner and a childminder though so I'm some way down the road to damnation anyway.

If I were not working, I wouldn't have a full-time nanny but the though of having an au pair to help out + do all the drudge stuff seems quite appealing. And of course on the proviso that they were lovely and loved children, so that I wouldn't feel guilty I was damaging their development a la Mr Biddulph.

I can think of lots of things I'd do with my time if i wasn't working or having to look after the kids - like recover from this horrible coughing bug without getting out of bed! It's just the idea of having any time you spend with your kids being voluntary, not compulsory - imagine, sleeping as much you wanted (can you tell sleep is an isue at the moment)! You could spend quality time with one while au pair looked after the other, or head off on outings with spare pair of hands when DS ran off for the umpteenth time. And would make things like meal times, weekends, much more relaxed.

BTW nailpolish, I go to work even though in theory we could manage on DH's income (and with childcare for two kids hardly worth it) because (1) tbh I like having the break and thinking about non-kid related things (2) I'm not sure I could go back to work with a really big break - and don't think I could rely on DH to always be the provider or indeed to be around (cross fingers and all that). So even though I don't strictly need to be a WOOHM I am albeit part-time. In fact part way through maternity leave when I was in NZ staying with my parents, with DS a particularly challenging 3-yr old and DD only 3mths so no way of leaving her, and DH back here working, I actually felt as if I was going mad and deteriorating as a parent - too shouty and intolerant.

Very Lazy i say, a say a say very lazy, a damn right er lazy mum no other word for it.

also I will have three kids and no childcare from May (have nanny from local college coming in Sept for a couple of moenths)

Baby will not be able to have naps, will have to pick up dds from nursrey and school whatever. I am sure friends will help but not every day.

of course not . there are obviously exceptions . i wouldnt take them to hospital if i was ill etc but "norm" daily routines dont need the help of child care imo

I mean will not be able to have 'scheduled naps' - I will try and let the baby sleep occassionally

STOP

posting............I came to this late and am not up to speed, everyone go and make a coffee and meet back here in 5

Oh yes and hairdresser appointments booked at the weekend when dp can watch ds. If I couldn't get a relative to watch ds while I went for a smear, I would just take him! It only takes seconds and you're behind a curtain if that bothers you.

LGJ

'indeed in developing countries now - have a friend who was born in Ethiopia in a nice middle class family and they had nanny, cook, gardener, housekeeper, the works - and she has a very good relationship with her parents. '

exactly, florence! this was certainly the case for us and our lives when we lived in S. America and Mexico.

can't say i have a horrid relationship w/my parents b/c of it. in fact, my mum is one of my closest friends. she's always been wicked fun and i wish i had her life!

It doesn't bother me, I'm just saying that having been in both positions (SAHM without any help (sorry cod) and SAHM with), there are many advantages to the latter.

mummyto steven - ihave a good friend that my 3 dd's get on with and who i trust if i need her to have them . she is due to have her third dd and we help each other out for things like doc appoitments etc . she will wait in the waiting room with them or walk over to the park for half hour .

god you lazy lot

when they all leave home you'll be able to flit around doing your reading and getting your hair done

can't you bear to put your noses to the grindstone for a few years

Are we taking motherhood here or martyrdom

thanks for answering my nosy questions Muma!

What's so funny is that people like this, it doesn't even register w/them that others think they should feel guilty or that they're lazy.

They don't care a jot! They just keep on living their relaxed lives and lovin' it.

no probs

So to summarise:

working when you don't need to = OK

reading/haircuts/coffee = not OK

Have I got that right?

Based on the times that my nanny and I overlap, I'm not sure how well it would work in practice to be at home and have a full-time nanny. Most nannies hate having their employer drifting around the house all day. It can work, but you need to have an exceptional and well-practised relationship with your nanny, otherwise it's confusing for the children about who's in charge. Also anything you say that inadvertently contradicts or undermines the nanny's authority is, quite reasonably, extremely annoying for the nanny. It shouldn't be any different from having both parents around, but somehow it is.

What is so virtuous about being a drudge?

I do it all, but if I had the choice, I wouldn't. What is wrong with taking a couple of hours out to read Glamour magazine or watch crap on TV?

There's a difference between neglecting children and making time for yourself. No-one complains when men go to footie once a week as their "me-time". Why is it so awful for mothers who can afford it, to buy some time for themselves?