Clingy, anxious DD - do I just accept this is the way she is for now, or actively encourage her to do more?

[sandyballs]

She is nearly 5 and still uncomfortable in a lot of social situations, although we have always mixed with lots of children her age, and older.
She will not let me leave her at parties, which I am fine about, don't mind staying until she's a bit older. She hates being left with babysitters (usually grandparents or close friends of mine who love her), she screams and shouts, but 10 minutes after I've gone she is fine and ends up enjoying herself.

She has a play date with a girl from school this week (without me) and is adamant she isn't going. Now, what I need your advice on is, do I make her go, knowing that she will have a great time once she has got over her initial fear, or do I give in to her and accept that this is how she is. I really don't know how to play it. My gut feel is that she needs to be encouarged out of her little "comfort zone" to experience and enjoy new things, but DH thinks I'm being cruel and should just accept that she is shy and anxious and let her grow out of it.

I just don't want her to feel I'm pushing or forcing her into anything.

sandyballs, I have a very shy ds and have agonised about how he does at pre-school etc so I know where you're coming from! I'm sure she would be fine after a while at this playdate - and I know exactly what you mean, that unless she does different things she won't know whether she'll enjoy them or not.

However one thing I have really noticed with my son is what I call 'capacity'. Things have been a huge struggle, then all of a sudden he gets the capacity to do something and it's just not hard anymore! So I am wary of pushing him on social things - because I feel that when he gets the capacity to cope he will be able to do more things, and until then there's not much point forcing things. Does that make any sense? Not sure I'm explaining things very well but I suppose the gist is that she is still very young and I just wouldn't force it if I were you. In a year or two's time the request for going to playdates may suddenly come from her rather than being something that actually upsets her! She has plenty of social time at school I'm sure so isn't going to be missing out.

However this is a 'both ways will work' scenario really because as you say, if you insist she goes, she will probably have a great time anyway after the initial tears.

Thanks Dexter. It is so hard isn't it, trying to do what you think is best for them, if only it were straightforward. I think I might back off a bit, like you say she is only young. I think the fact that she has a twin sister who is completely the opposite, ultra sociable, it highlights her shyness.

Thanks Dexter. It is so hard isn't it, trying to do what you think is best for them, if only it were straightforward. I think I might back off a bit, like you say she is only young. I think the fact that she has a twin sister who is completely the opposite, ultra sociable, it highlights her shyness.

My ds can be quite anxious about being left at friends houses etc, and I think I've tended to push him to do a little more than he's comfortable with - e.g. there was a party he was looking forward to, but when it came to it didn't want to go. I really forced him to go, because I knew he would love it, and I didn't want him to feel he'd 'failed' because he didn't go. Also, I think that would have made the next one harder, whereas the next party he was raring to go. But he is the sort who will settle down quite happily in his comfort zone and never make any attempts to come out of it!

what batters has just said

sandyballs our ds3 was like this until he turned 5 a few weeks ago.
He was sooo shy and would not talk even to his grandparents.
Whe he turned 5 we said he was a big boy now and because he was a big boy he could go and stay at mil's one night.
This has grown now to where he stays ALL weekend at MIL's and has come out of his shell with alot of people.

My dd was so similar, really clingy going to school and to parties - so that frequently I had to stay. Also, she hated being left with anyone except me, dh or her nanny. This went on until she was around 8.

She is now 12, so confident and out-going, with loads of friends and involved in all sorts of sports etc. I honestly think it's a case of encouraging gently, but letting them go at their own pace.

It's nothing you're doing - my ds is the total opposite, and was always ready to leave me at the door!

sandyballs, just go with the flow, don't push it, it will come in time. My dd was like that now 11yrs still shy and quiet but wouldn't dream of haven't me stay at parties.

You wait before long it will be can I stay at my friends for a sleep over. larsxx

our nursery manager is a twin and her sister works there too..who's much shyer, so they are well used to the different ways in which children approach each other and we were only talking about this this morning. they try and help the individuals to develop more confidence so that they can interact well with their peers, even in unfamiliar situations. I personally think giving in every time to their "clinginess" is a mistake, and as you know she is happy after you've left when there are babysitters..and she will get used to being more independent over time

I am a believer in helping them to extend their comfort zones slowly.

My DS1 is a sensitive little chap - we had been to two parties at the school and he refused to join in and sat by me. However, greatly enjoyed the entertainment.

The third time I told him if he didn't join then we would have to go. However, if he joined in then I would stay. I primed him a couple of days before, kept mentioning it. He was relunctant at first but loved it and joined in beautifully. Next time he has a party there I will leave him.

In your daughters case, I would go the first time so she gets familiar with the place and has a great time. Next time she is invited, let her know that you will have to pop out for half an hour to go to the shops. Tell her that she can stay and play, or you will both have to go to the shops. Be gentle but firm. If it causes a total meltdown, leave and re-approach another day.

I really believe, knowing your child and helping them to extend their boundaries can work. Remember once you have done something it isn't scary anymore - it works for adults and also for kids.