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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you do when your OH says no to everything?

70 replies

VenusWineTrap · 10/04/2012 23:09

I love DH to pieces, in most respects he's a really good Dad, we have 3 DC's two of which are young teens and DD 18 months.

Both the older ones love animals and have been asking for a hamster/guinea pig, some sort of small pet (admittedly some suggestions are a bit way out), DH says a flat 'no way' won't even discuss it because he doesn't want or like them, however much I try and say I know they will be responsible and caring for a pet will be good for them.

We have a few concerns at the moment with DS's almost permanent fixation with a screen (x box, computer) and when we've chatted about it, he said could we get a trampoline, we have a good size garden and I have no objection, can see his reasoning, would get him outside and burning off some energy. DH said no, because he doesn't want one in the garden.

I'm not for a second saying that they should have everything they ask for but I feel like I'm hitting a wall everytime I mention something I feel is a normal thing for a child to ask for/experience without any discussion or thought. Any advice for when you just don't agree?

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matana · 11/04/2012 08:10

Tbh i kind of know where he's coming from. I thought from the title it was him saying "no" to literally everything, but a pet is actually a big commitment and it's probably a good lesson to teach your children. No matter how much a child says they will look after a pet, it invariably ends up that the parents have the worry of looking after it and making sure it's looked after when you go on holiday etc. As for a trampoline, i hate them, DH hates them. Our garden is just that - our garden - not a playground. Don't get me wrong, my DS has toys out there and is getting a little slide etc - but it's all stuff that can be easily packed away at the end of the day so we get our garden back in the evening iyswim?

Anyway... do you talk to your DH when the kids are all in bed about him saying "no"? I would suggest to him that it's a two way relationship and a joint household so decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. DOn't you get a say?

What is it about trampolines that he doesn't like? If he's like us, could you suggest that you get one that can be easily dismantled and 'hidden'? Perhaps you could get one on the agreement that your DS puts it away when he's finished playing with it? Are there any local trampolining clubs instead? With the pet i really think you just need to keep talking to your DH and reassuring him. Maybe suggest that he helps them choose a suitable pet and is responsible for ensuring it gets cleaned, fed, watered etc by your kids? Also, I know it's a bit of a sneaky tactic, but i sometimes wait until my DH has had a few and then choose my moment carefully to suggest something. It usually works

Bonsoir · 11/04/2012 08:20

I think that your DH is allowed to want to preserve the sanctity of home and not have it invaded by children's entertainments like pets and trampolines. If you are worried about your DCs spending too much time in front of a screen, why don't you organise some constructive activities outside the home (scouts, DoE, sports)? A trampoline and a hamster won't go far and they are both a pain in the neck!

colditz · 11/04/2012 08:29

God, your poor kids

My dad was like that, I just gave up asking TBH.

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conorsrockers · 11/04/2012 08:51

'preserve the sanctity of home and not have it invaded by children's entertainments'?

Seriously?

There is a big difference between a house and a family home. I shouldn't worry too much as they will have plenty of opportunity to have pets when they leave home - we have a trampoline and rabbits/cats/fish, but that's because I love kids and all the stuff that goes with them and my DH is a pushover!! (probably some sort of kickback to the fact that I grew up in a home as described by Bonsoir!) Depending on how old they are you could get them involved in some volunteer work that involves looking after animals so they have that exposure? If you are willing to pick up the reigns when they lose interest/forget, then I don't see what the problem is if he doesn't have to do anything? As for trampolines - they are notoriously dangerous - table tennis tables fold away nicely? Otherwise I would try and encourage other activities - cadets/scouts???

AThingInYourLife · 11/04/2012 09:01

sanctity of home :o

So glad I have never had to live in a church.

PooPooInMyToes · 11/04/2012 10:27

Oh! Does he not even consider that it might be good for kids to have a small pet etc?

Im not saying that you should both say yes but it sounds like your husband doesn't even consider the requests and i don't think that sounds like good parenting. Not that Im an expert or anything but if your children's requests are not considered, discussed, explained (if its a no) then they will never feel listened to. It will affect their self esteem.

I used to just get told no all the time. No reason, just no. No to everything. I stopped asking. I expected nothing. I never shared anything with my parents growing up and i think its because i thought what's the point. No one listens, no one explains, no one cares or would do anything anyway.

smokeandglitter · 11/04/2012 10:28

"sanctity of home"??? Umm... why would people have kids without expecting "children's entertainments" to be around?

I suggest talk to DH about it, if you say that you will take responsibility when the DCs don't for the hamster and suggest either its a trampoline or another toy that encourages physical activity (not screen-based like wii/kinnect). I would hate to have my kids denied pets/trampolines, though for pets I'd expect help cleaning the cage etc etc and would explain this thoroughly to them first. Buuut... I do love animals anyway, and I love fun trampoline type things!

D0oinMeCleanin · 11/04/2012 10:38

Sanctity of the home

What do I do? Hmm, well DH said we were only allowed a dog. As in one singular dog. Of course I listened.

Although pets are a huge commitment and I don't agree that you should go and get one behind his back. You can sit down and talk and ask him to give you good and valid reasons why he doesn't want them. If he can't even talk about like an adult with you, then go and get one, but remember that you and you alone will be responisble for feeding, cleaning, vets fees and food etc. Even when you are ill/skint because DH did not sign upto it. You are also responsible for any damage it causes.

As for the trampoline, unless you have prize worthy grass, just go and buy one. It's yours and your children's home too. He does not have the right to have full say in what goes in or out of the home and it doesn't sound like he is willing to compromise at all.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 11/04/2012 10:46

Re the trampoline, one thing I've seen recently in a few gardens is a pit with the trampoline sunk in it. It means that it's less intrusive and easier to get on and off (which means you don't have to lift little ones on and off)

I don't know whether it's safer or not - you would have to be very careful that the edge of the pit didn't have a gap a child could slip into. Of course you would still need the safety net around it though.

This might make a trampoline more acceptable to your hubby - you could even get a cover made so that if you wanted not to have the trampoline for a day, you could take off the safety net and put the cover over it (like a manhole)!

Don't know how it would work for a huge size one, might not be possible.

matana · 11/04/2012 11:37

Some of the comments on here make the OP's DH sound like a dictatorial ogre! The thread title says he says no to 'everything'. OP has given two, quite big (and in some ways understandable), examples. Does he really say 'no' to everything OP?

If i had got everything i asked for when i was growing up we'd have lived in a menagerie/ soft play area with no room left to actually live in. So the 'sanctity' comment was a bit much, but i agree that a home should be a place where everybody's desires/ needs are catered for - and that includes your OH! DH and i disagree regularly on things like this. The key is in learning to compromise and offering bribes where necessary. And that means your kids as well as the adults.

Admittedly it sounds pretty irrational of your DH not to even offer a discussion on the topic though. And i think i would have an issue with my DH not considering my views...

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 11/04/2012 11:42

My DH said no to a cat....so after thinking about it and trying to persuede him I decided that much as HE has a right to not have an animal I have a right to HAVE one. So I went and got one.

He loves it now. Plus, he was outweighed...me and the DD wanted a cat...he was a lone voice.

dreamingbohemian · 11/04/2012 11:43

What are some other things he says no to?

Lots of people don't fancy pets and trampolines so I don't think that on its own is too unreasonable...

Could your older DC volunteer at an animal shelter or something like that? Or start a dog-walking service? (is that allowed in the UK?) that would be animals + exercise...

matana · 11/04/2012 11:45

lol Awkward! Our previous cat died and my DH resolutely said: "No. Never again. Nothing you say or do will change my mind."

We now have two!

matana · 11/04/2012 11:47

Come to think of it, he also said he didn't want a baby. My DS is now 16 mo

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 11/04/2012 12:03

I do think that it's silly not to have animals...they improve health in general, reduce stress and are easily managed with some effort. I dont ask DH to empy litter trays as they're my cats..but he loves them even though he didn't want them.

OP...go and get bloody hamster the misery guts will have to lump it.

dreamingbohemian · 11/04/2012 12:09

Well... I think that's quite disrespectful actually.

I am not keen on pets because of the time commitments, the smell, the mess, etc.

If DH went and got a pet anyway -- oh la la, I would go ballistic.

I'm resigned to the fact that someday we will probably have to get one but it had better be through compromise, not just someone disregarding my feelings about it.

Mrsrobertduvall · 11/04/2012 12:16

Dh was a bit like that over the trampoline issue...we have a 120 foot garden (which has not seen a ball kicked on it as dh loves his stripy lawn)

3 years ago when dcs were 12 and 9 we finally got a trampoline, and dh planted some 6 feet bushes in front so he couldn't see it

It will go this summer as dcs have moved on from it and dh now admits we should have got one when they ere younger.

We have a cat too...dh not too keen as he had never had a pet, but he loves her.

AThingInYourLife · 11/04/2012 12:16

I agree with dreaming - it's really not fair to bring a pet into a home where it isn't wanted by all the people who live there.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 11/04/2012 12:17

Dreaming but why are YOUR feelings about animals more important? I dont think the nay sayer gets their way by default.

D0oinMeCleanin · 11/04/2012 12:19

Is it not unfair that OP and her children cannot have a pet because only one person in the house does not want one and this person is not even willing to sit down and discuss his concerns?

dreamingbohemian · 11/04/2012 12:26

I just think a pet is a really big decision and commitment, and it's the kind of thing you shouldn't do unless everyone is on board.

In the same way I wouldn't go for another baby if DH didn't want one, or DH wouldn't quit his job without discussing it with me first, I think pets should be a unanimous thing.

DH and I each have a very small number of things we feel strongly about and we try to mutually respect each other on those.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 11/04/2012 12:27

EXACTLY Doin One person making everyone else go without? Nah. That's not on.

dreamingbohemian · 11/04/2012 12:28

The flip side of that is three people forcing one person to do something he doesn't want to do. I don't think that's on either.

D0oinMeCleanin · 11/04/2012 12:32

Were it a big, life changing pet such as a dog or cat, I'd be inclined to agree, Dreaming, if the person saying no at least had the decency to talk about it like a real grown up would.

But it's a hamster, ffs. How much trouble can one tiny hamster cause? I've never owned hamsters but have had mice, gerbils and rats as they're pretty inoffensive, cheap and easy as far as pets go. The DH needn't even ever see it if it's kept in one of the children's rooms.

notso · 11/04/2012 12:33

Is your DH saying no to everything or just these two issues though OP?

FWIW I hate pets. I love animals but really am reluctant to get a pet for my DC because I am just not a pet person at all. There are many ways of teaching your DC to be responsible and caring without having a pet, especially a Hamster.
Thankfully at the moment our yard is in no fit state for one anyway.

If your DS realises he should do more outdoor type activity and less screen time he should maybe try and convince your DH first by getting out more, before you go off and by a large and quite expensive trampoline that may not get used for much of the year.

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