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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you do when your OH says no to everything?

70 replies

VenusWineTrap · 10/04/2012 23:09

I love DH to pieces, in most respects he's a really good Dad, we have 3 DC's two of which are young teens and DD 18 months.

Both the older ones love animals and have been asking for a hamster/guinea pig, some sort of small pet (admittedly some suggestions are a bit way out), DH says a flat 'no way' won't even discuss it because he doesn't want or like them, however much I try and say I know they will be responsible and caring for a pet will be good for them.

We have a few concerns at the moment with DS's almost permanent fixation with a screen (x box, computer) and when we've chatted about it, he said could we get a trampoline, we have a good size garden and I have no objection, can see his reasoning, would get him outside and burning off some energy. DH said no, because he doesn't want one in the garden.

I'm not for a second saying that they should have everything they ask for but I feel like I'm hitting a wall everytime I mention something I feel is a normal thing for a child to ask for/experience without any discussion or thought. Any advice for when you just don't agree?

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Heswall · 13/04/2012 08:04

Playing

Heswall · 13/04/2012 08:06

Playing in the park is very different from playing in the privacy of your own garden, you can use your imagination without being laughed at, try things out and if you fall nobody sees. You can also have 5 mins if that's all you fancy and go back inside. You can do that whenever suits you not all the adults who have to take you up to the park.

SardineQueen · 13/04/2012 08:16

If I came home and DH had bought a pet and a trampoline I would do my nut.

It's DHs house too. Pets and trampolines are major things, it's not like he won't notice them being there.

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Heswall · 13/04/2012 08:27

You'd be welcome to do your nut, it wouldn't change a thing, yes it's the husbands house but it's also the childrens house.

SardineQueen · 13/04/2012 08:32

It would change a thing.

DH and I have discussed having a pet and I have told him why I do not want one at the moment.
We have also discussed trampoline and I have explained why I do not want on full stop.
If he went out and bought them anyway then what kind of relationship would we have. It would be game over I think.
So yes I'd be welcome to do my nut and I'd be welcome to leave but wouldn't the kids rather have their mother at home than a trampoline and a cat?

dreamingbohemian · 13/04/2012 09:30

I totally agree Sardine.

I really can't get my head around the idea of bringing a major change into the home that you know your OH is totally opposed to. I mean, assuming you're not married to an ogre, it's just so disrespectful.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 13/04/2012 09:33

Look, it's the kids that want the pet. You say they're young teens, so the youngest they are is 13 and 14. They'll be gone in 5 years and you'll be looking after whatever you get, so get something with a short lifespan, if at all (just not a bloody hamster)

Also, people say it teaches responsibility. Not true. Experiences only teach responsibility when failing to exercise responsibility has negative repurcussions for the learner. the problem is if they dont look after it, what are you going to do? let it starve and put it's emaciated corpse in their bed? Course not. You'll end up looking after it and they'll learn nothing.

matana · 13/04/2012 12:11

I hear you RichMan. I had a hamster. I didn't notice it was dead for several days (although i did manage to get it to old age in hamster years). I'm now the butt of many family jokes: "Matana had a hamster and didn't know it was dead for two weeks." Or, the next time it's told it's "a month", "a year" and so on....

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 13/04/2012 12:15

matana . I wrote to "Father Christmas" asking for a hamster once and -my mum Father Christmas wrote back saying "Denied: You don't look after the rabbit". I crapped myself worrying that I'd get no presents cos FC had busted me for animal neglect.

My mum still thinks this is hilarious btw

DizzyKipper · 13/04/2012 17:15

Good luck venus, I hope you can bring him round. When I was younger my mum just used to sneak pets into the house - she even managed to bring in a whole bird cage, mount it on the wall and we have the birds for a week before my dad even noticed (we told him it had been there for ages). My dad liked animals enough but didn't want the extra responsibility of pets, I think he just sighed and resigned himself to it in the end.
For me pets are actually a deal breaker - if any man tried to tell me I couldn't have them I wouldn't be with him. It's a good thing OH also likes pets (and does even more so since getting with me )

Heswall · 13/04/2012 18:55

I really can't get my head around the idea of bringing a major change into the home that you know your OH is totally opposed to

It's a swing/slide set not a toy boy to share your marriage

noddyholder · 13/04/2012 18:58

I don't think I would 'consult' dp on things like trampolines or guinea pics. Might tell him if I planned to sell the house......

SardineQueen · 13/04/2012 19:40

Difference of view there. DH and I have talked about trampolines and the possibility of a cat - I think we both feel they are quite big decisions. Which is why I would be utterly stumped we talked and I said no and he did it anyway. Same as he would be if it were the other way around.

Mind you we tend to talk everything through

QuickLookBusy · 13/04/2012 19:42

Well said Heswell

matana · 13/04/2012 22:52

RichMan, your mum is as brilliant as Yoda. I could take some good parenting lessons from her!

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 09:53

Heswall -- it's a pet actually. And a trampoline, which many people object to because they think they're dangerous.

If i've learned anything from the pet threads on MN, it's that you are only supposed to get a pet if you are prepared to take the responsibility very seriously and commit yourself to it for the rest of its life. So yes, I think that's a pretty weighty decision and should not be made unilaterally.

conorsrockers · 26/04/2012 06:47

I just can't imagine having a discussion about something the children wanted with DH and him saying no just because he didn't like it! The discussion is about the children - not us!? And yes, we have climbing frame/trampoline/goals/balls everywhere/3 stinking rabbits in the playroom .... I remember when we got the (large) climbing frame DM (who lives with us) was trying to get us to put it out of sight (we live on a farm). Me and DH were like and thought it was a generation thing, totally ignored her and put it in the garden where we would be able to see the kids playing. Amazed to see people who are parents now on here taking the same attitude in this day and age .... tbh!!!

exoticfruits · 26/04/2012 07:07

The next time something comes up just do it first. I wouldn't get a dog or cat but a small thing in a cage won't inconvenience him. I remember when I was about 5 my mother just bought a rabbit.
If he won't have a trampoline ask him what he proposes instead.

NimpyWindowmash · 26/04/2012 07:17

We recently had a discussion about rabbits, which my DH and two DCs wanted. I said definitely no. For many reasons, firstly we have no grass, only a deck, secondly the DC already have hamsters, which is enough bother, we also have a dog, who would absolutely hate the rabbits and kill them if she had a chance. Is that enough reasons? I think so.

My DH went and got rabbits anyway, even though I had said no.

As SardineQueen and dreaming have suggested, this is just so disrespectful. I was furious. It was as good as game over. We had massive problems over it, many arguments, and eventually, sounds crazy, but it was me or the rabbits.
The rabbits stayed for one week, and they have now gone. Very unfair on the DC, but they will get over it, and hopefully, they would rather have their parents remain together, than owning rabbits. DH has only recently stopped sulking about it.

So in conclusion, yes I think one person can have a veto over pets.

saffronwblue · 26/04/2012 07:32

I think it is about whether you see your home as a child centred place or a showroom. I just sort of accepted that having kids meant our house would be noisy, sometimes messy and dirty, full of people making forts under the table and tearing around the garden. For me having pets is part of a family. DH and I have many differences of opinion but we both shared the same vision of a happy loving and at times chaotic family home. When they grow up and are gone, we can try for pristine again.
Having said that I think a pet is a big deal for someone who does not want one.

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