What do you do when your OH says no to everything?

[VenusWineTrap]

I love DH to pieces, in most respects he's a really good Dad, we have 3 DC's two of which are young teens and DD 18 months.

Both the older ones love animals and have been asking for a hamster/guinea pig, some sort of small pet (admittedly some suggestions are a bit way out), DH says a flat 'no way' won't even discuss it because he doesn't want or like them, however much I try and say I know they will be responsible and caring for a pet will be good for them.

We have a few concerns at the moment with DS's almost permanent fixation with a screen (x box, computer) and when we've chatted about it, he said could we get a trampoline, we have a good size garden and I have no objection, can see his reasoning, would get him outside and burning off some energy. DH said no, because he doesn't want one in the garden.

I'm not for a second saying that they should have everything they ask for but I feel like I'm hitting a wall everytime I mention something I feel is a normal thing for a child to ask for/experience without any discussion or thought. Any advice for when you just don't agree?

Well that's true, even I would go along with a hamster

Hmm. So it's not really that he's saying no to the DCs, it's that he's saying no to you and refusing to enter into discussion with you about it. I think that is very unreasonable of him. It's not just his home and he is not the only parent in it.

If we didn't have a terrier and a cat I wouldn't even discuss buying really small furries with DH as it is they'd be lunch within days so we can't even consider it, although if we ever move to a house with a big enough garden we are fencing off a seperate area and having a shed and run for guniea pigs. Dh knows this. He also knows it is not open for discussion.

I wouldn't have a pet in the house because I am allergic to everything with fur and would not be prepared to live in constant discomfort. And trampolines are expensive, bulky items that the DC might get bored with pretty quickly.

THe key point is, though, will your H discuss things properly with the view to finding a compromise? Or does he need to be made firmly aware that he is not the boss of the household?

Hope you dont live next door to me and 'win' on the trampoline. There can be nothing more annoying and intrusive than seeing someones head appear over your garden fence every few seconds looking into your house/garden. Also the constant thud, thud, thud is like a dripping tap.

Not a fan ! Cant you tell?

But am all for DCs being allowed pets at some stage. Teaches them to be caring and responsible and kind to other beings imo.

We looked after DD's friends hamster for a fortnight dreaming it did nothing all day except smell fusty (despite several enthusiastic cage cleanings from DD) and scratted around all night.

They are nocturnal and vair boring. Rats = much better and very clean too.

Oh gosh, so much for the hamster then!

What's a good small furry to get then?

Dooin I just can't do rats, I'm sorry.

Guinea pigs sound nice...

Guinea pigs are ace, but a bit more work than really small furries. They live longer, eat more and need outdoor space aswell as indoor space.

Rats are lufferly, mice are okay. Gerbils are nice. Rats are still the best.

Thanks for the advice!

I think I could handle a guinea pig. Or gerbils. Oh DS will be so pleased someday...

Sorry for the tangent OP!

Bonsour, when you live on the outskirts of a big city like Paris, I can understand that space is at a premium, but 'sanctity'? Really? It's a home, not a tabernacle, and the children live there too. I also think its

Whoops- on phone, and posted too soon.

I also think that children can have too many out-of-home activities; it's good to see your home as a place for love, laughter and fun, as well as just homework coaching and a pitstop between edifying pursuits.

OP- I'd try to chat to your husband about why he is worried exactly. He does sound rather po-faced.

Unfortunately I think you may need to have the conversation where you point out to him that it is not just his decision.

It is not the case that the other members of the family discuss and then approach the Big Poo-Bah for his final word on the matter.

It is all about compromise. And that means that if his approach is simply to say NO to something without being prepared to have a reasoned discussion about how he feels and why, and defend why that should take priority, then he should start expecting to be, quite simply, ignored. Because he is being unreasonable.

In addition to that, he should also be made aware that if he is prepared to adopt reasoned discussion, sometimes he will still lose, because his wishes aren't more important than yours, as a parent.

For example, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say, 'I can see your point on the trampoline - I don't really agree, but think your desire to have peace and quiet trumps a wish for one particular form of entertainment, others are available. So no trampoline. However, I feel VERY strongly that having a pet would be a good thing for the whole family, and so I'm not prepared for you to have the final say here - it's my turn. We are going to have a pet.'

If he has a major issue with that, then you need to start talking about controlling behaviours.

Your DH sounds grumpy.

We have 2 guinea pigs, they have a hutch and a run in the garden. They need covering up at night and uncovering in the morning, October - May, with a double layer of carpet, they are fed and watered daily and cleaned out once a week. It's all suitable for a teenager to do. (Our DCs are little and don't really get involved).

They are less hassle than an indoor pet, but still low maintenance. Indoor pets seem to need cleaning out more often or they can get a bit whiffy. They only live a few years too. However one did have to go to the vet for a water infection recently and the bill was £50! So factor that possibility in.

A trampoline is not forever and is great exercise. They are often in the paper second hand. If my DC are naughty I send them to do 10 minutes on the tramopline - in all weathers, it sorts them out! Would that sell it to your DH?

Good luck.

This was my H. He hated having anything remotely child-orientated in the house. Left to him our "family" home would have looked like something out of a DFS catalogue.
But the tide of birthday and christmas presents was unstoppable and eventually our house looked like an explosion in Toys R Us.
The only reason we were able to get the cat in was because we had mice and even he could see that poison on the floor was not a good idea with small children in the house.
He now lives with his mother.

DrDWT

" It is not the case that the other members of the family discuss and then approach the Big Poo-Bah for his final word on the matter "

That is sooo funny

Mine gave up trying to reason with me years ago. He just sighs now

me: I've found a puppy I want to foster. Is it okay if I email them?
dh: sigh
me: Is that a yes?
dh: Is there any point in me saying no? It's better not be a rotwellier or anything. I mean it D0oin, I'm not having a dangerous dog. Not even a puppy. Are you listening to me? D0oin? Oh just email them. It's your fault if it eats the kids.

DOin I have a 'resigned' DH like that. He is much more of a cat person - and had a cat when I met him. Years later I went to a rescue place to get a dog to replace my elderly fathers that had died and he was lost without him. We had to keep him at our house a few days before taking him to dads and I just fell in love with him decided he wasnt suitable for dad as was a very nervous dog (mistreated l am sure). Also he was completely disinterested in the cat which was great but the cat kept hissing at him and even crept up and firebombed him when he was asleep attacking his head and he still didnt retaliate. So I persuaded my DH to let me keep him and I went back the next day and got another dog for dad (but this time took it straight to him - or this story could have ran and ran ).

My dad and I still have our dogs but sadly DHs cat saw her arse and left home - she just would never accept the dog and kept up this tirade of firebomb attacks on him at every opportunity until one day the dog finally had enough and just chased her into the garden and she would never come back in after that. I presume somebody else started feeding her. We never found her despite posters/door to door enquiries etc etc.

I still feel guilty about his cat 'doin one' all because I can play him like a violin persuaded him to let me keep the dog and am sure DH often wishes he'd not give in to me or she would still be here .

Worst part is we cant even have a cat now because the dog finally developed an aversion to them after weeks of being hissed,spat at and stalked so he now goes ballistic whenever he sees one.

Hamsters stink and bite. No-one is unreasonable for not wanting one. In fact, the opposite is true.

Trampolines are fun and everyone should get one

Therefore you are 50% unreasonable

Wow, not been able to get on for a couple of days, thanks for all your replies.

I really don't mean to make DH out to be a right ogre, by and large he's a brilliant Dad and spends a lot of time with DC's, it is just that I go along with the view that pets, and the responsibility it teaches, and garden bits, including a swing and a slide are kind of the things you buy into when you have children. DH argues that if they want slides etc they can go to the park and says if they are here the novelty will wear off really quickly and we will be left with something he doesn't want to see all the time.

I'm really going to work on a couple of guinea pigs though, because I love them, and if the DC's lose interest (which I doubt, they are very mature) then I am happy to oversee their care.

Ever thought about a snake? They eat once a week and poo once a week - very placid, and quiet!!!

Eww Conors

Am inclined to agree with the others that he doesn't get to be the autocrat here. Pets encourage responsibility and empathy. Not sure what sort would suit best. Cats and dogs are a huge responsibility.

I think you and the kids need more say in what goes on in the family home tbh.

I wouldn't want a pet (at the moment) or a trampoline (ever really).

OP there are other garden entertainment things which take up less space and so then you can have more. Less chance for boredom then.

I don't think that anyone should have to have a pet in the house when they really don't want one. Pets should be a part of a family and unless all of the family feel that way and are prepared to put in the time, effort and love to welcome the pet in and look out for it then it's not really fair.

I would go ahead and buy what the children need.

Guinea pigs are lovely things. Our DDs had them when they were younger. I would love some now but don't think they would last very long with the dog.

. I would say make sure you get at least 2 as they like company.