Does it get any easier?

[ComeTalkToMe]

I'm sure this has been discussed lots of times before but I'm really looking for any help/ reassurance/ support from people who have been where I am now.

My daughter is 17 weeks old and I love her to pieces. I am finding motherhood hard work though and I often feel I'm the only one who feels like this. My DD has gone through some very unsettled phases where she cries a lot and is generally grumpy. This week she's also gone from nearly sleeping through to barely sleeping at all through the night which I'm finding tough. We brought her into bed last night, something we said we'd never do but we needed to get some sleep.

All the other parents I know seem to have settled babies who sleep through the night and I'm ashamed to admit I look on in envy. I'm terrified I'm doing something wrong that is causing her to be unsettled and not sleep and I'm also scared that as she doesn't seem like a happy baby, she won't be a happy child.

I'm spending a fair amount of time crying and getting anxious about this and would love to hear from anyone who had an unsettled baby who turned into a happy child. She does smile and giggle at times but spends more time crying - people had said to me it all changes at three months but we're still here....

Also if anyone thinks I'm missing anything which could help her I'm open to suggestions...

Thanks

Oh dear, hang in there! Have to run, but our first months were horrible. Things will get better!

ok, yes this has been done lots because contrary to what you may be thinking about your friends, most people do find it hard at this stage and lots come on here asking exactly what you have. The crying may be colic still, or even the start of teething aches. 16-17 weeks can be a time of growth spurt and sleep gets worse for a bit (regression). Do whatever you need to do to get through it - most baby habits can be broken within a few days so if you need to co-sleep for a bit, do so, but try not to make it permanent. Make sure her nappy is comfortable and not too wet (are you changing it often enough? - about every 3 hours just for wees) and that her clothing is the right size (not scrunching her toes in a too small babygro). Is she a comfortable temperature? She might also be getting ready to enjoy time under a babygym or need a bit of stimulation now. Please do go and find a babygroup or surestart centre where you can be made tea and share stories and tears with other new mums. Don't underestimate health visitors either - they can be very supportive. Above all, please know that you are not alone. - incidentally, you don't mention daddy - is he on the scene, is he helping when he can?

Thanks so much for replying. Yeah, my husbannd is very hands on, I should have mentioned him! He helps a lot and I find it hardest when he's at work. I have been going to groups but I always feel my DD is the only one ever crying. Logically, I know this isn't true but it feels like that. Also I don't know if people are putting a face on at the ones I go to but there are only a couple of people who don't just say, 'oh isn't it such a joy!'

I think she might be getting a wee tooth and this probably isn't helping. I've put her to bed with 'Ewan the Dream Sheep' tonight which makes a heartbeat sound and seems to help her get off to sleep. I'm sure she'll end up in with us later but I'm glad to hear you think this can be undone later!!

I think the practical things like nappies and baby-gros are okay and she has a lot of toys. In fact, I've been trying to cut back a bit in case she's overstimulated. She won't nap much during the day and I think this may be causing some of the problems - if she does have a good sleep she seems so much better. But I don't feel like I can force her to sleep can I?!

Sorry it all seems to be pouring out now!!

I'm gonna trot this one out, so don't hate me: all babies are different.

Ds had colic up until 3 monthsish and I thought I would go mad. HE'd start at 4pm every day and just cry and cry and cry. I used to get out and about a lot though, just so I could see that there was another world out there.

Are your friends from baby groups or pre baby? Baby groups are quite nice for a change of scenery and for activities. However, I was like you in that everyone else's babies slept much better than mine for months and months and months and it drove me mad. It does get better though, honest, and you'll find yourself wondering what you were ever upset about - until you have dc2!

About the non-content thing, I had two good mum friends when I had ds. Ds and little girl were chilled, relaxed, happy little things; ds was a performer from the off. Little boy was always more touchy and fearful; it was just his personality. At 2.6 though, he's friendly and cheerful. Incidentally, my dd is 21 weeks and has taken a while to adapt to the world; she's not as smiley or outgoing as her brother and was upset for a while. Luckily, having come across far too many babies now, I know that they're just getting used to things in their own way. [busmile]

Things will get better when she's 18 and moved out

Just to reassure you, my DS was such a clingy, non-sleeping, crying ++, baby at that stage. Using a sling really helped and I wish I hadn't worried so much about getting him to settle in basket on his own.
He is now 21 months. He laughs all day, hugely independent, carefree and such a delight. Everyone comments on what a happy little boy he is.
Don't worry. Just do whatever you have to do to survive and give lots of cuddles. The first 6 months are all about survival IMHO! With sleep, every time you think you've got it cracked they just bring you back to square 1.
Keep going, you're doing a great job. The guilt of motherhood is something that never goes away, but you really are normal for feeling this way.

i've had two difficult babies. things will definitely get easier, but it's impossible to say when. I kept holding out for the magic 3month mark everyone talked about, and was devastated when both dds continued much in the same vein as before.

dd1 got a lot better at 6mo, and was an utter joy from 12mo - the easiest toddler i've ever met. friends remark on how chilled she is.

dd2 is 17mo, and got easier at about 12mo, when she could walk. she's fairly average in temperament now. I think some babies are just frustrated by being babies, and improve no end with the big milestones like crawling/walking/talking.

with both, when they were extra grizzly, we just walked in the buggy/sling. the fresh air makes you feel a tiny bit better, and there's lots of distractions out there for them. the movement also helped them nod off if they were overtired.

That was helpful Olivia. OP, in terms of forcing her to sleep, no you can't but its worth at this stage trying to establish a regular pattern (not a routine necessarily) of 3 naps, one about two hours after getting up, one lunchtime, one mid afternoon. Put her down awake and leave the room, see what happens - I'm not recommending controlled crying this young, but don't rush in at the first whimper. Alternatively, nice calm walks in the buggy are a great sleep inducer and good for you too. It will improve over time - one day you'll just suddenly realise she's had a good day and been smiley etc. Best of luck

OOooooo yes - definitely with you on this one! All those who look like its a breeze have their moments to - don't doubt it for a minute.

I adore my ds but had moments where I had to suppress feelings of violence! I would never be violent to him ever but you can have all kinds of pressure put on you by a small baby that you wouldn't believe and yet you somehow survive it all and come out smiling.

Your baby is going through so many changes the upset she has now will become a distant memory and she will be a happy child - she has 2 loving parents!

I'm sitting in tears as it's so nice to pour this all out and not feel judged. I only have a couple of pre-baby friends that have children so the babies I'm talking about are the children of my ante-natal class friends. It really doesn't help that I don't have anyone I was close to pre-DD who I can speak to about this and they would understand. Apart from my mum who is amazing but I sometimes feel she's too biased to give impartial advice - she love her darling grand-daughter.

I always find it hard to know if I'm doing the right thing and my DH says everyone feels like that but I never believe him!

Oh it does get easier (as everyone is saying) but there isn't a timetable - and other people are absolutely rubbish at knowing what to admit to and when to shut up.

Everyone has a slightly different definition of sleeping well, so a baby that's sleeping 'through' from an early age might just be sleeping for a 4-hour stint every so often, but the parents are realistic and delighted by that. If another parent has a definition that's '8 hours straight every night' then they're going to feel like shit about it.

I've also known parents who have a bloody easy ride of it: great feeding, no colic, sleep ok - and then get to a year and it all comes out. The baby isn't as big as other people's doesn't smile as much, seems not to be developing socially, won't eat etc.

What I mean to say is that although people talk about joy - and there is a lot of joy in certain moments of having a baby - they are mostly all worrying about something under the surface and it will be something you may not have given a second thought to. I'm not being all Pollyanna about it, it is one thing that really struck me when I realised it: I was miserable about things I felt I couldn't control well but so was everyone in one way or another.

Also, I think 4 months or so is when you really run very very low on adrenaline or something like that: there's a definite slump. Take care, it will get better.

I wonder if you're onto something with the toys. Is this your first baby? I used to find that ds could get quite fraught in the afternoons (even after his colic), and yet dd doesn't get to that point.

I realised that the main difference is that dd gets ignored quite a bit . Not left at the bottom of the garden (although if it worked for our mothers....) but I'm not in her face with toys and books all the time like I was with ds and she gets to take things at her own pace. I also think I'm more adept at reading her signals, which I wasn't with ds.

People who think it's all full of joy are full of shit. It can be, and in a year's time you'll probably think so too, but while you're in the trenches, it's bloody hard.

Yes yes yes, it definitely gets easier so hang on in there. And ignore all the timelines people give you - 'your baby will be settled into a routine by six weeks and working towards his PHD by twelve weeks'. The reality is it's a gradual day by day thing which you'll hardly notice until you get six months down the line and think bugger me, that was hard!

For what it's worth, my DS was a colicy, clingy, feeding round the clock nightmare until he was about five months old. At that point he seemed to decide everything was completely fine and he's been a dream ever since (he's 4 now). DD on the other hand waited, and did her clingy bit from 5 to 12 months which with the benefit of hindsight, has felt harder.

Much used but nevertheless true - this too shall pass.

Just wanted to say I do find a lot of joy in her, just not all joy, all the time!!

Also AnxiousPanxious, your name is a good definition of how I feel most of the time!

You are right - this thread has been done lots of times before, and that's because lots and lots and lota and lots of new parents feel exactly like you do. Personally, I'm impressed you've got out and gone to groups - I think I was still having dressing gown days and not even getting out teh house then.
It does get better, but what we can't do is promise you when.
My own experience is life has gotten easier and easier the older they have become (and I have teens now). I found the first weeks and months with dc1 incredibly hard. Hang in there, and ask all the experienced Mums on here for as much advice as you like - someone will have tried something that will work.

I know this probably sounds silly to say after some replies on an internet forum but I am feeling better already. Just good to air my anxieties and get a response from others who have been there.

Limelight - I've read a lot of books and they have pretty much made me feel shit that DD doesn't seem to conform to their definition of a normal baby!

Astr0naut - it is my first baby and I think me and my DH are guilty of being 'in her face' a lot. The afternoons are also our worst time, generally leading to a complete meltdown at bed time so maybe I should leave her to chill a bit!

THe anxiety is always there - especially with something new. I don't feel anxious about baby dd, because I've been through that now. BUt I have lots of nagging anxieties about ds, as he's in the toddler years.

Our latest thing is potty training. I'm about to start weaning dd, and that was really worrying first time round. I even made a list of all teh foods she ate to show the hv because I felt so inadequate! However, this time I have all the potty training stuff to worry over, so weaning takes a back seat.

Just trust your instincts - what someone else might be doing might not be right for your particular baby - or subsequent ones! DS hated being swaddled and enclosed; dd needs to be held tight to fall asleep.

I'm so glad you posted and are getting such helpful replies. I wish I'd been on MN when DS was little, I felt exactly as you did, surrounded by people who made it seem so easy.

I later found out this was because:

• DS was a tricksy baby and toddler but at age 8 is usually a delight.
• Some people do indeed have easier babies most of them turned out to be nightmare toddlers ha!
• People do a very good job of covering up their weak points and insecurities, doesn't mean they're not there

Hang on in there, this stage is hard as the sleep deprivation effects really kick in. It sounds like you're doing a great job. [busmile]

I had DD nearly 3 years later and got my easy baby. I fully expect her to be a horrendous teenager, mind. [bugrin]

I was comforting my crying son for nearly 8 hours straight (no exaggeration) once (not unusual - baaad reflux!) just about holding myself together when a friend called and asked if I was OK - cue 10 minutes of wailing incoherently down the phone while she said 'there there' a lot and 'you'll be ok'
She was great actually and she doesn't have kids. :)

17 weeks is so young and sleeping through is still unusual at that age (unless you chuck thick hungry baby formula down their necks which is more for the parents than the babies if you ask me - though you didn't), so on the sleeping front just do whatever it takes - you won't build a 'rod for your own back' or any other nonsense as there are soooo many changes to go through in the next few months alone. I fed ds to sleep many times but he sleeps and self-settles great now and has done for long time.

You are definitely not doing anything wrong if you are attending to her, so put that thought out of your head immediately - list your head high and know you are a good mum and your dd is lucky to have you.

If she has had lots of grumps since birth it could be worth looking into this
www.cranial.org.uk/page3.html

I have heard good things said about it though not used it myself.

Me too!

I agree with the others about a bit of passivity with a small one: have you got a sling? You go about your business but have them close. Playing can be making faces or wiggling fingers. What they need are a bit of closeness, food, comfort, warmth, and a bit of nice babbling with them. What you need can probably fit nicely around that so don't pile on extra stuff, your baby will thrive anyway!

And never mind other people: they are probably either a) getting TONS of help b) in an addled state and forgetting they got up 3 times last night or c) competitive and massaging the truth for their own satisfaction. (And as your baby gets older, those three points stay the same, particularly a) which can induce mad jealous rages, beware!)

It does get easier, then a bit harder, then a bit easier, then differently harder, then easier etc etc etc.

I can sympathise, as I always used to feel like the only one with a constantly crying baby. Waiting in the baby clinic every few weeks, I used to wonder whether everyone else had drugged their peaceful babies!

A big part of it with my DD was her being unsettled as a result of reflux, and the bad loop she was in where she fell asleep feeding, woke up hungry 5 minutes later, wanted to feed, then fell asleep x 100! Once we got that sorted it was A LOT better.

Hang in there.

people love to gloat about 'what an amazing sleeper their baby is' but i have found that this isnt always the case.
It will get easier, but you may have a few more tierd times ahead.

I do solmenly swear that when things do get better I will come back on and help another struggling new mum.

This is making me wonder whether I should just break down on one of my close, non-children having friends. I always feel I need to look like I'm coping well or they'll think I don't adore my DD which I do. Not sure why I think they'll think that actually...

I do have a sling and I have used it at time, she does usually calm down in it so I'll probably get it out more.

I also think I'm going to stop worrying abot bringing her into bed while she's going through this wee bad sleeping phase.

OP, I used to find afternons hard, too, (still do a little) and the way I re-jigged it was to do things like her playmat and tummy time etc in the morning and in the afternoon, she spent most of it in her bouncer chair while I pottered around her doing housework or catching up on a bit of TV MNing etc. She was quite content and would often drift into a little nap too. As soon as DH got home he took her for bath and play time, too, as usually by teatime me and her were pretty bored of each other and it was nice for her to have a new face to look at.

Some poeple just won't admit they're not actively enjoying it - so if you don't get the right reaction from a friend, don't let it make you feel worse!

I had one friend who admitted to me when her baby w as a year old that she went into his room at night and watched him sleep and cried, because it was the only time she could enjoy him. For all that previous year, she'd been Miss Perky 'Isn't this great! So much FUN! Babies are HIlaRIOUS!' (they are). And he'd breastfed every 3 hours like some sort of dream baby, slept really well, rarely cried. I felt very sad for her, if only she'd let a bit of it out earlier and been just a wee bit honest!