Does it get any easier?

[ComeTalkToMe]

I'm sure this has been discussed lots of times before but I'm really looking for any help/ reassurance/ support from people who have been where I am now.

My daughter is 17 weeks old and I love her to pieces. I am finding motherhood hard work though and I often feel I'm the only one who feels like this. My DD has gone through some very unsettled phases where she cries a lot and is generally grumpy. This week she's also gone from nearly sleeping through to barely sleeping at all through the night which I'm finding tough. We brought her into bed last night, something we said we'd never do but we needed to get some sleep.

All the other parents I know seem to have settled babies who sleep through the night and I'm ashamed to admit I look on in envy. I'm terrified I'm doing something wrong that is causing her to be unsettled and not sleep and I'm also scared that as she doesn't seem like a happy baby, she won't be a happy child.

I'm spending a fair amount of time crying and getting anxious about this and would love to hear from anyone who had an unsettled baby who turned into a happy child. She does smile and giggle at times but spends more time crying - people had said to me it all changes at three months but we're still here....

Also if anyone thinks I'm missing anything which could help her I'm open to suggestions...

Thanks

hey, it will and does get better, my eldest ds was dreadful at sleeping, up all night 7/8 times during the night but he's now 13 and i can't get him out of bed, i have 5 dc, all have had either sleep, eating, teething, problems, but you do get through it, parenting gets very competative my child is sleeping through/ crawling/walking/ using the toilet is yours? don't be dragged into it, it causes lots of pressure, enjoy your dd, it will get easier.

Possibly my expectations have been quite high as well with all the preparation and parenting book reading etc. I'm going to try and chill out and try a few of the suggestions like having quieter afternoons.

I'm also going to be honest when people ask me how it is. So I'll say an amazing experience but hard and overwhelming at times and maybe others might agree.

Not read all the replies but just wanted to give you hope that YES it does get better. And NO you're not the only one finding it hard! My DS1 was a terribly unsettled baby, very grumpy and cried pretty much constantly for most of the first year of his life :-( I was going crazy and felt very much like you do. I hated the fact that it was always MY baby crying at toddler groups and family gatherings etc. It was hell.

He is now 4 and just the happiest most amazing and clever funny little boy. He is very reasonable and not at all the monster problem child I feared he would become. It all got better once he could walk and when he could talk he just became a delight. Prople always comment on how funny and lovely, gentle etc he is. Just aswell really as DS2 is 15 weeks old and seems very similar as he was. Very whingy and cries a lot. Nothing keeps him happy for more than a few minutes and seems to melt down as soon as he is remotely tired or bored. He is also a terrible feeder and sleeper just to add to the 'joy' of it. I don't understand how anyone can really like the baby bit but then both of my babies have been bloody awful. I do know that it gets better though, otherwise I wouldn't have done it twice! Hang in there. It will get easier.

I was exactly the same at your stage....cried in front of my dad (which I never do!!) because I was so sure I was doing everything wrong and making our gorgeous boy miserable. He was diagnosed with reflux and the medicine helped slightly, but what really helped my ds is when he started to sit, crawl and definitely cruise. He is now 8 months old and is happier and smilier than any of the other babies in our little group. I think he just hated being a (small) baby....he now is very independent and very very happy. I'm not going to lie....he still isn't the greatest sleeper, but he's getting there....and I know just by looking at him that I/we have done nothing wrong. So my advice is....don't try and look for a miracle cure (just like I did), you are doing a great job and in time things will get much better. Do whatever it takes to make everything as easy as possible. And keep your chin up!

It WILL get easier. DD hit 11 months yesterday and has suddenly transformed into a little person I can understand. The relief has been amazing (to the point of stupidly feeling broody for no.2!). There is NO WAY ON EARTH I'd have thought that even a month ago.

DD is a lousy sleeper and it annoys me no end when people trot it out as the Big Achievement for babies. First comment is always 'Oh, is she sleeping through yet?', which makes you feel crap when the answer is no.

But there are a million equally big achievements - DD is sociable and (mainly) eats well. She's healthy, loved, mostly clean and is crawling around. But no, it's always the bloody sleeping thing. Try not to let it get to you, and bear in mind that babies, even if sleeping well at the moment, might not be in a few weeks time.

DD cried a lot until she hit 4 or 5 months and got a grip with the world. I think it coincided with when babies eyesight gets a lot more focused.... I'd say use a sling, cuddle a lot and be there. DD is now very happy pottering around on her own and I think a lot is to do with how I always made myself available to her when she felt insecure and moany in the early days. Feels like forever, the early days, but really it'll be a blip in you and your LO's life.

And if you feel insecure at baby groups then give yourself a break and don't go for a bit. I've never been to any and it's really not that bad to go to a gallery or a park instead!

Good luck!

Thanks so much for sharing - it's amazing how much it helps.

I think possibly DD does get a bit frustrated at being a small baby as she always seems to get more unsettled just before she learns something new.

I also hate the sleeping question as well as 'Is she a good baby?' - what on earth does that mean? Do you get bad babies?... And breathe... [busmile]

Yes ComeTalk I find people 'judge' you and your parenting skills on how well a baby sleeps. Well I think it's clap-trap. My SIL has 3 babies DD1 perfect baby, DD2 nightmare sleeper till 2 ish & DS1 great sleeper, nightmare in the day. They're all different. I'll tell you what does help......Valium (no no I'm joking!), what helps is taking everything other mums say with a pinch of salt and blame unhappiness on teething/tiredness!! Enjoy this time as much as possible & believe me I know it's hard.....but it really doesn't last long. Out of a lifetime it's a really small amount of time....just bloody well seems like forever!! . Your DD loves you and will become a smashing little girl I'm sure.

OP - I got lots of help on forum when I was at the end of my tether - hence I am here now trying to pass it on.

I must admit I am currently nervous as expecting second and hoping against hope this one isn't bad with reflux, but if if it isn't, it will still be tough as Rowanrowow says the baby bit is hard - but at least this time round I will have that perspective it is temporary which you so don't have with the first - I thought I would never see the light again!! [bugrin]

2 things I was told when DS was little that helped get me through:

1. Challenging children make interesting adults
2. The minutes drag but the years fly by

GinPalace - temporary, temporary this will become my new catchphrase when the next screaming match takes place at bedtime. Thanks for paying it forward!

forcedinsomnia that's a lovely thing to say thanks. Other people are very irritating sometimes aren't they!

Just glad you are feeling better for your replies - so many helpful lovely mums out there [bugrin]

pity my (and others) mum who had it hard and no internet or support group!

Don't worry, things definitely will get easier! 17 weeks is etched in my memory as the lowest point, the peak of awfulness with my non-sleeping, refluxy bundle of joy. Everyone else in the world seemed to have babies who napped in the day at regular intervals, lay peacefully when at baby group, and slept well at night. I hated them all! One thing that really helped me was borrowing "the baby book" by William and Martha Sears from the library and reading about "high need" babies. There, in black and white, a description of my baby! It somehow validated my experience and stopped me feeling such an abject failure. And by 6 months things were so much better, he was like a different baby. Now he is jolly, always laughing, and very sociable, and I am genuinely enjoying being a parent.

Babies are so different and changing all the time. I'm mum to 2 DC, 3.5yr old girl and 10 month boy.

DD was a non-sleeper until about 18 months, really terrible. She could be up for hours and hours at night. It really did drive me insane. She was very cheerful and happy though, well a bit Jekyll and Hyde really as she threw terrible tantrums from the age of 1! She sleeps better now and is a very bubbly girl.

DS is a great sleeper, a dream compared to DD. However was very anxious and clingy when he was a small baby, spent a lot of time in the sling. I've just tried to be as responsive as I can, cuddle him, hold him and never left him to cry. He's a really happy baby now, not as clingy but does follow me round!

Don't worry, yes it gets easier, follow your instincts. Don't be too hard on yourself.

And yeah 17wks.... it's not great! I find very small babies hard, I'm much better when they're about 5/6 months onwards, when they're nice and chubby and sturdy.

My DS was grumpy from birth unless he had a breast in his mouth eating. When he learnt to crawl, he got happier and when he learnt to walk and get things on his own terms, he was delighted. He is now 19mo and while still a bit 'joy'/'devastation' with emotions, he is a super happy toddler. Really smiley and his demands are mainly about wanting cuddles and to show me stuff (which is pretty cute).

At 17 weeks, he slept in 45 minute cycles. Until he was 16mo, he woke every 2 hours.

But now without any major work on our part, he sleeps pretty well in a normal bed with no dummy/milk at night or really anything. He co-slept and bf all night for 16mo so I guess technically we "shouldn't" have done that, but when he was happy to sleep independently, he just did. Some of his friends who were great sleepers when small are still waking for bottles etc.

What I'm trying to say is there is no wrong thing to do. At 17 weeks, it's about doing the best you can. So don't lose heart.

Ps. My own mother offered to pay her life savings for me to get DS seen by a sleep clinic for Xmas and he's still turned out ok and totally into sleeping just a few months later.

crosses fingers, waits for new stage to hit

You have been a Mum for such a short time. I really think that it takes a long time to adjust. Truthfully I think it took me a few years to adjust to the 'new normal' of life with children. Especially as little ones change all the time so just when you think you have it sorted it's all change again.
While you are going through all this, be really kind to yourself at all times! If you are hanging round with people who are making you feel miserable....are there other people?? Or if you are honest about how you feel, do you think they would be as well.
If all else fails....go out...eat chocolate....do what you need to do survive.

Hi,

I'd just like to add to what everyone else is saying: it does get easier. My DD is now 6.5 months and I'm finding things a lot better now. I felt exactly the same as you until about 6 month.

I found that friends without children were really helpful and suportive. I'm not sure if it was because they had more time to be around or that they didn't do that competative parenting thing. So I would say that opening up to your friend without children might be a really good thing.

Good luck!

You've got some really helpful advice here already! I also remember that, at a low point similar to yours, where everybody else had perfect babies and mine was a nightmare, I decided to stop with the 'information overload'. I chose one baby book that I found most trustworthy and gave all of the other ones away. I started doing my own thing and trusting my own judgements. I just smiled and said thanks when people told me how to do stuff and did what I wanted. Both dcs co-slept. Went into the cot first in the evening, then ended up in our bed later for feeding. Co-sleeping stopped naturally when they started sleeping through. You'll get there!

Sorry, haven't time to read the whole thread, I've a 21 month old and a 2 month old to get out of the house! I just wanted to say that I felt terrible when DD was tiny. I was overwhelmed, scared, and totally out of my depth. And I felt totally alone in all of it because everyone kept telling me how wonderful the whole thing was, and all I could think was 'really? how?!'. But DS was conceived deliberately so obviously thing improved immensely

Firstly, hell yes, you can force her to sleep. That was my main problem with DD - she wouldn't sleep during the day. By lunchtime she'd be cranky and by the time DH got home I'd be in tears myself, every single night. Then I started following the Baby Whisperer's routines with her, and made her sleep, and both she and I were much more content. The thing is, when they're that tiny, they don't know what they need. You're the adult, and if you know she needs sleep, you've got to persuade her to do it! I'm not talking about anything involving crying - my solution was to hold her for naps 3 times a day till she was 7 months old, at which point she accepted the cot as an alternative. She learned fast that my arms, and the dodi, meant naptime, and after a couple of days, she'd switch off like a light for a solid two hours when I sat down with her. Bliss : )

Secondly, try to hang onto the thought that everything's just a phase. You're heading into the four month sleep regression at the moment. It's tough, but it ends. Do whatever you need to to get through it, and pick up the pieces afterwards when things are less fraught.

Finally, remember, it really does improve. The more they respond to you and interact with you, the more fulfilling the whole thing becomes. Toddlers are brilliant : )

Sorry for blathering on so much

Seriously, get her to sleep during the day. I'd bet my right arm that that'll be what turns your days around.

Listzilla Can I ask how you are finding it this time round as I have a 21mo and one due soonish - was it worse, better, different? I'm feeling nervous. Thanks. [busmile]

Ok Gin, steel yourself (and possibly steer clear of the toddler/newborn thread!)

Dd was born when Ds was 25 months.

THe first few months were bloody hard work, although lookin after a baby again isn't hard. Whenever Ds is at his grandparents' for the day, I find it reallly easy with just one to look after. However, it's the juggling that makes everything more difficult. You know exactly what to do with a baby, but you're still trying to figure out a toddler!

OOOoooo

really hope I don't get another bad reflux baby [buwink]

Can I go to sleep and wake up when both babies are over the age of oooo say... 18months? Please, pretty please? [bugrin]

P.s Thanks Astro

Gin good luck and don't read the newborn/toddlers thread now but do come and join us when you have a new arrival!

Astr0 speaks wisely- juggling is hard. And tbh I'm finding the newborn but pretty grim again (although trying to keep in the back of my head that is must get better since we decided to do it again!) but that's partly because so far (and my Dd is v little) she's already a grim sleeper, day and night and not terribly happy with the world. I also think that impatience has a part to play. I rally enjoyed 8 months plus and just want to be there NOW without all this fact in between!