Pinched bottom - not smacking...

[Mummyinggnome]

can I have opinions please?
Dh and I were both smacked as children. No real issues with it in terms of how I view my parents or anything. I imagine on the 3/4 occasions i remember it happening I thoroughly deserved it!
However, I couldn't bear to think of that for my babies. But, sometimes if they've done something shocking (like ds1 squeezing toothpaste over ds3 hair tonight) is it ever permissible to have a pinched bottom and sent to bed before his sisters. When I say pinch, it wasn't hard enough to hurt anything other than his pride.
Am I a shocking mother? Anyone else do this?

It really wouldn't occur to me to pinch either of my children.

Pinching seems a spiteful thing to do.

cake: but as I said - it's to get their attention. I do not seem why that is so difficult to understand. I could go into specifics, but as I tried to step away before, because I really don't see the utility of repeating either the general statement (which I do realise now that you have seen) or describing some specific instances within my family.

I will add that I think it is a dialogue of the deaf (a term I used for its idiomatic value, and I will, prostrate myself with apologies to anyone who is hearing impaired for causing offence; it's not a problem for those I know in RL, and I suppose that may have led me to become careless) because, despite asking you to look at what I wrote, are referring instead to an assumption that I invariably act in a particular manner. I can assure you, even though you do not seem to wish to believe me, that I have at no stage espoused myself, nor recommended, any inflexible or monolithic approach.

How do you teach your children not to hit / smack or pinch others, if you do it to them.
I personally think we need to be good role models for our children.
As for punishment why does the op give two punishments for one thing. Surely the early bedtime is enough.

Edith - perhaps your children are deaf themselves?

I dont need to hit mine to get their attention - I just talk to them!
That is what is difficult to understand.........

Edith, I am curious, how would you explain to your child that it is ok for you to hit but not for them? I was smacked as a child and didn't think it was a problem, but have since had a change of heart because there seems to be no good answer to that question!

notinmykitchen, I think the same way it would be explain why it is ok for a parent to take a child and isolate them using the naughty step, sent to room etc and not ok for your child to physicaly remove someone else and sit them on the step or bundle into another room. Many parents utalise thier power in that way and that is no worse or better than smacking or pinching. there is no good answer other than it is acceptable and appropriate for a parent to take reasonable controle over a childs behaviour one way or another.

I personaly believe my dd is more emotionaly hurt over being placed on the naughty step or sent to her room or me withdrawing, than being smacked. I have stopped doing either and impliment a few well placed rationed and pre meditaied sanctions, that are consistent with certain and specific behaviours and appropriate her emotinal understanding and cognitive ability, so if dd does A B or C she knows X Y or Z will be matched with those behaviours.

However it has taken 6 years to get there. at 2 my dd was smacked, lightly on a nappied bottom or very lightly on her hand, this as edith explains gains attention to bad behaviour, at 3 and 4 she was placed on the naughty step, this made a conection to consequences at 5 she was placed in her room as the naughty step was inaffective. Now at 6 she is able to comprehend specific and more natural consequences.

Pinching, smacking, isolating all prety much on the same par as far as I am concerned, maybe effective or affective or ineffective at times, but equal choices that do not amount to abuse or seriouse harm IMHO.

Changeneeded - in my opinion, you've put it excellently.

Edith: what does smacking 'to get attention' teach a child? How does it prepare them for adult life when they will have to use words, dialogue, and debate to get their points across. Edith would it be okay for me to smack you to get your attention when you aren't listening? And how patronising and offensive to children, that they need to be physically forced to give you their attention? How draconian and old fashioned!! And I think you are also a bit in denial about your smacking, how old are the children you smack, are you sure they don't feel pain? Do they feel humiliated embarrased or that their personal boundary has been crossed by having a physical touch that surprised them and that they did not invite! IMHO touch should be about love and affection, not to be used as a power tool like you do. How old are your children by the way?

You could keep a cocktail stick in your pocket and jab them with that when they're naughty?

I do not expect the method of getting their attention to teach them anything. As you would know if you had read my posts.

I would find it extraordinary if one adult corrected another adult (in RL) to whom they were unrelated, whether by action or deed.

I posted on a different thread last night about how one explains to children that their parents are in charge. This is surely a necessary step, unless you have no punishment regime whatsoever.

haha Silent boob! My DD is only 6 months, so no punishment regime yet, actually I aim not to 'punish' in traditionsl sense, will be reading Unconditional Parenting to get ideas.
Why not bang a loud drum to get their attention? By the way what do you do after you have got their attetnion?

So why not just talk to your child Edith?

If the smack doesn't teach them anything and is merely there to get their attention why not just take their hand in yours, look into their eyes and talk.

You have said several times that other posters here are not Reading your posts or that we are deaf - but you seem unable to read other peoples or address the perfectly valid points raised.

When your small child grows into a teenager who is bigger and talker than you are you still going to smack him/her? If not then I really truly can't see any point now!!

Hitting smacking a child is not necessary for them to behave well.

What are you

The elder "small children" are now well in double figures, and thankfully unproblematic at present, and have not required this method getting attention for well over 10 years ago.

What makes you think I don't talk to them? I notice that changeneeded who posted about the same approach isn't being hounded for details of child specific incidents from over a decade ago.

changeneeded, the trouble is, I have never come across a child trying to put another in their room, or on the naughty step, whereas smacking, or pinching are things that it is common for children to do, and get told off for. I think for me, and my DS smacking is wrong, but I do not think for one minute a gentle smack constitutes abuse, or will do a child any real harm, it is just a method of discipline I do not feel comfortable with personally any more.

Sorry no idea why that last post says "what are you" the end

I just don't get it

And the fact that smackers get uppity about it or are unable to rationalise their decision to hit their children just increases my inability to understand.

I would not really agree with that notinmykitchen, my dd and my nieces and nephews and other children I know most definatly have attempted to send other children to another room or sit othem on the step, my own dd has replicated this many times, but has never as far as I have been made aware raised her hand or hit another child.

The point I make really is that a smack is no less or more damaging in my opinion to isolating a child or using other forms of conditioned love and attention through punishment.It is very difficult to take a very young 2 year old by the hand and talk and reason with them, so there are alternatives to that that are punitive and everyone has a valid opinion and view point as far as I am concerned with proportunat punishment so long as it is not abusive to the extent of causing harm or injury either emotionaly or physicaly.

I think cake, people have rationalised, it may be that you are unable to grapple with that reasoning that you do not see it. I feel there is a fine line between right and wrong here and individuals are able to sit either side of that.