Help...all alone and frightened with a newborn

[what2eatwhenurbored]

I'm not sure there is any more practical advice you or anyone can give me but reassurance, please, I'm not going mad or doing anything detrimental to my baby would help. I don't think I'd ever admit how I feel to anyone unless anonymously on here, which is sad.

I am looking after my 6 and a half week old baby boy, A, on my own in South America. I have no Health Visitor or help BF so am managing fast let down and reflux and all those delights from google and utube tips. My husband has left for 3 weeks for work and taken with him several of his work colleagues who just happen to be my only support network. I tried to organise some help at home from a cleaner to come in 3 times a week but she cancelled last minute and disappeared. I have 2 and a half weeks left, just me and A and I'm scared I won't last that long. I don't have any friends/family here or anyone I can not be polite in front of so I find socialising more stressful than staying at home sometimes. I cope by walking with A in various contraptions but I have a bad back/shoulder and slow recovery post CS I'm too exhausted to do this several times a day to settle him.

Twice now I've had to put A in one room while I retreat to the other to scream into a pillow and smash a few plates/doors/jar of olives. Just now I lifted him in baby bouncer and said 'What....do....you...want???' because I couldn't jiggle him any more as I was worried I was starting to do it too aggressively. I can feel myself going...about to snap and I have to move him or me out of the way but I worry when I speak harshly to him and swear in an angry tone that I'm hurting him and I feel so guilty because it's not his fault and I feel even worse that I went through IVF and years of crap to bring him into the world so I should have more patience and kindness even when tired.

I've jokingly told other mums and other childfree friends all of the above and they all look uncomfortable like they never felt so angry. The other day I managed to go out and he started crying again and I rolled my eyes and said 'now what?'...I just felt others were giving me evils or looking at one another like 'oh dear she's losing it'.

If anyone else has ever felt like this, so desperate with crying baby it would be helpful to know, even more so if you snap like me as no one I know seems to admit to snapping like me.

Thanks for reading...

P.S. It's 30 degrees at night...too hot to swaddle and we don't have aircon just to add to the tension

Yes I have felt like this! And I'm sure many other mothers (and fathers) have done too. It's tiring and frustrating and difficult being on your own with a little one. If you need to take yourself off into another room to shout and swear for a minute then so be it!
Having said all that, is there any situation in which he is more settled? E.g. pushchair/bouncy chair/sling/etc.? Both my daughters absolutely hated lying flat when they were tiny, so I would resort to putting them in the wrap sling to get them to stop crying and doze off.

Oh god you poor thing. Sounds bloody awful.

I think a huge number (if not most) mums have snapped at their babies. I know I have. I once yelled "What the fuck do you want NOW???" at my darling baby girl at about 3am. Lack of sleep plus new baby hormones are a killer. You are not a terrible person for being at the end of your tether.

I think you need to think practical. How are you going to get through the next couple of weeks? The first thing that occurs to me is that even if it is hard work and doesn't seem worth it, keep going to the baby groups. Just do it. You don;t know the other mums that well now but the only way you will get to know one or two of them better is by relentlessly plugging away. I also think that being alone too much while you're feeling so bleak is not a good thing.

This sounds awful for you. Lots of people will be along very shortly with excellent advice but for now I'll tell you the one tiny thing I can advise on and I wish someone had told me when my baby was six weeks old:

If he is crying he probably wants feeding.

Especially if you are breastfeeding - my baby wanted to snack all day long. I stressed myself out trying to get him to feed every three hours but he didn't want to do that - he wanted small feeds every hour. And although it was a bit inconvenient for me, if I let him feed to his own schedule he didn't cry!!

You might be reading that thinking oh my god, I can't feed every hour - but this phase really doesn't last for long. A few months later I was trying to get my baby to feed so that I could sit down to watch telly while he was feeding!

youre not alone!i remember feeling like this with two out my three dc.

taking yourself to another room and screaming etc is more than fine-its good!
is there any baby groups in your area?some people hate them,some love them.for me i didnt really enjoy them but recognised that they kept me sane.

it will get better,i promise

Also, please believe that it WILL get better. I truly didn;t realise that when I had my first baby. If I had believed that one day I would sleep again, and my baby would turn from a red, howling demon into a sweet giggling child who makes me laugh, it would all have been more bearable.

Your baby WILL sleep. You will sleep.
You WILL get on top of things.
You and your baby WILL get to know each other.
You WILL take a leisurely shower, have dinner with your husband, care about what you're wearing.
All of these things will happen again.

You're not going mad. You're "just" tired and alone in a new and scary situation. Even those of us with lots of support find the first few weeks hard. And the snapping, well, it's just my opinion but I reckon everyone does it to some extent. The thing to do, which it sounds like you're already doing, is to put your baby somewhere safe e.g. Cot while you go into another room (closing the door between you) and have a cold drink or cup of tea. He may cry but he won't come to any harm and the sanity check will help you.

You mentioned problems about a fast letdown and reflux. There are lots of people on here with experience of those. One of mine had bad silent reflux and I know I found the help and advice here invaluable. Have you posted on Breast and Bottlefeeding?

The lack of a support network must be really hard and not knowing S America I don't know what to suggest. Is there really no one you can ask to come over for a while or meet up with? Does the local expat community run anything - even if it's not mother and baby specific? Do you have Skype to contact friends and family at home? And, maybe a long shot, but do you have a mother, sister, friend, aunt etc who could come out to see you?

Sorry, perhaps most of this is not too useful but I didn't want you to feel so alone (NB you're never alone on MN....) and hopefully someone else will come along with more help soon.

Yes I've been there.

Can you get white noise? Pop it on REALLY loud and rock your baby in the bouncy chair in a dark room if you can rock anymore. Time yourself - normally takes ten mins to rock to sleep. I used to give up after a few until I timed myself.

To calm myself down I get away and look at a picture of my baby. Puts it back into perspective because you do lose it.

Break each day into chunks. Two walks a day with lunch in between. Can you go somewhere with aircon? Can you arrange for a portable unit in your home?

Keep posting here too. What are your reflux/supply issues?

I felt like this too, and I had lots of support. The first few weeks were indescribably hard for me, I did not take naturally to it at all.

If you are breastfeeding I agree that just feed when they squeak - or look for feeding cues and get in there first. Have you got a sling?

hello what to eat, I remember being terrified when first left alone with my newborn, a couple weeks after she was born. Wherabouts are you in South Africa, is there any support you can get from GP or equivalent there? Do you have a pram so you can go out without sling, and give your back a rest? Are your family back in UK and can you talk to your husband while he's away? Is there anyone back home you could chat to?Under your circumstances, I totally understand why you might feel like you are going to snap, I found it stuff just having DH away in the daytime at that stage! I'm here if you need a chat, or any tips

Yes - white noise is a godsend. google babysoothe, you can download it.

Oh hunny, I really feel for you. Anyone who has had a baby and pretends they have never felt / acted like this is either a liar or has a Nanny! You are doing remarkably well under extremly difficult circumstances.
I don't think many new mums would even contemplate being in your situation.
I don't know what advice I can offer to help you through apart from just removing yourself when you feel you are about to 'crack'.
Every mum feels like that even in the best of situations. Just make sure the baby is safe and leave the room and take a few deep breaths until you feel calmer.
The old addage of 'try and sleep when the baby sleeps' but also I found just doing something for me like reading a magazine or having a bath could be just as much of a life saver.
Are there any babysitting / nanny services in the area you could employ just to give you a break. Even just so you could get some sleep/rest?
Don't beat yourself up. You sound like a lovely mum. Try and establish a routine if you can and just look forward to the lovely family times (and sleep)you'll have when DH gets back.
Good luck

First - have a hug (I don't care if it's unMNy, you sound like you need one).

You have so much going on at the moment, I'm not at all surprised that you are feeling stretched to breaking point. You are definitely not the only person to feel this way. I felt like that when mine were tiny, and still sometimes feel irrationally angry even though they are 8 and 3 yo. You are doing exactly the right thing by ensuring your baby is in a safe place and then walking away. Well done for coping.

The 6 week mark can be really tough. I bet you are sleep-deprived and you are still physically and emotionally recovering from the birth. Babies also give very little back at this age. However you are only days/weeks away from things starting to feel better. Your baby will suddenly manage a longer than average sleep, the feeding will click, the baby will give you a lovely gummy grin and suddenly you will find the energy to cope again.

Don't let the IVF stuff make you put more pressure on yourself. Just because you had IVF doesn't mean that you have to be a better/more tolerant/more perfect mother than anyone else. You don't have to prove your gratitude. IVF babies are no more content or easier to care for than non-IVF babies. They are just normal babies, and you are a normal mum. I do know how you feel though - my youngest is an IVF baby.

It is a shame that your DH has to go away with work. I think you really do need a support network at the moment, ideally a RL one, with friends who can sit with the baby for 20mins while you get out of the house or have a shower or a cup of tea. Do please try and find some sort of toddler group to go along to. Do you have a GP you could chat to as well - either to point you in the direction of RL support or to make sure you are recovering properly from the birth and to make sure that you are not alone and suffering from PND a little.

Meanwhile, lean on the lovely MNers. We might not be sitting with you, but we are hear to listen and reassure.

Can you barricade yourself in a room with snacks, DVDs, drinks - do nothing but feed and cuddle - and take care of yourself with nice food for the soul and body?

Also make sure eat every two hours. Get snacks in and carry water with you. I got like this and realised I'd not eaten. Or drunk, especially in this heat.

And there's a growth spurt around 6-7 weeks so you'll need to feed a lot. Try and keep baby upright and wind regularly.

Is there anyone you can text/email? I used to text my dh in the early hours and he knew to respond as I felt so lonely and he was only in the spare room.

Do you cosleep? Can you feed lying down?

By the way I've got a 11week old so recent for me (also have a 2.4 yr old - same with him too!)

PS. Forget 99% of the cleaning and chores. Your priorities are feeding and cleaning yourself and the baby, making sure you both get sufficient sleep (not a lot perhaps but enough to function on) and that's about it. A cleaner sounds like a lovely idea - but in the absence of a cleaner, just let it go for a few weeks.

feed when he squeaks

Love that, and so, so true.

White noise CD is a must - it is like magic! I too have lost my temper and screamed the obligatory " WHAT is wrong with you?" I think this is normal and you are doing the right thing putting baby down and moving out of the way!! Don't forget that the natural and default position for parenting is to be part of a large family / social group - modern life does not always afford us that luxury so you are achieving BLOODY wonders so far on your own! I am single mum with a brother and elderly father supporting me and sometimes it feels like I have three babies to sort out!! My DD is four months and I PROMISE you it it will get better and the mist will clear! I read some good advice on here - every sleepless night, screaming ab dabs, ect is just one step further through it!! very true. Keep posting on the forum and you will get lots of reassurance xx

Oh, and co-sleeping isn't just for night time.
If your baby naps after feeding, try giving a feed lying in bed and then you can have a nap after feeding too.

I had had one miscarriage and one baby diagnosed with a terminal condition at the 20 week scan. I had wanted a baby more than anything, the desire had consumed my life for two years.

So when I got one and found it so hard to cope, I could not believe it . Why was I finding it all SO difficult? Why did I hate being a mother so much?

It passed and I am now on baby number three. It will get better. It will feel better and more rewarding. You will realise what a fantastically responsive mother you are being right now.

Don't feel bad about how you feel - IVF has nothing to do with it. Possibly makes it harder as you have to deal with excess hormones etc. Those first weeks are hard! Do you have a birthing/exercise ball? We used to bounce gently on that with our first, less exhausting than jiggling. We also found some music (through trial and error) that she liked. Second album of Kate Bush's Aerial, would you believe.

Have you tried a fan in the room with the baby to cool you both down and provide white noise? And if you can co-sleep then do. I didn't get more than about 20 mins consecutive sleep until I gave in on that one!

Keep posting - you're not alone.

Very little about raising babies is about right and wrong and is much more about finding things that work for you and your baby. If you find something that works with settling your baby carry on - don't worry that you may be developing bad habits etc - as any habits can be changed at a later date when you're feeling up to it.

You poor thing - being left alone with a tiny baby is no fun at all. You're doing great - and the fact that you're asking for a bit of ressurance speaks volumes. Good on you for asking.

I think Imcoveredinbeees has it exactly right. I wish, wish, wish someone had told me at 6 weeks old just to feed, feed, feed, feed, feed. I thought the baby was uncomfortable after having fed too much and that's why she was crying so much. I didn't realise that around 6 weeks they go through a big growth spurt and need to feed A LOT AND ALL THE TIME to boost your milk supply. I went through a couple of weeks being chained to the sofa while DD fed all the time - all evening from 5 pm to midnight almost non-stop, but in the end it works.

Hang on in there. Like all things with little ones, it's a phase and it WILL get better.

What fantastic replies, all of you, each and everyone of them has really helped.

Plan for the day is to go out in the pushchair for tea and wifi and download a white noise app, then I will work my way through all of the above which I've tried some of already and others not yet but it's easy to forget things and get lost.

We don't have a GP, there is no community support here, there is one English speaking mothers group (my spanish is dreadful) meeting just once a month, next week, so i'll def go!

We leave South America for Scotland in April, so life back in the UK will be so much easier, it keeps me going remembering that.

Thanks all of you :)

keep posting what2eat - there will always be someone to listen and chat. Do hope the next two weeks passes more easily than you expect.

No you're not alone in feeling like this. We had my son after 4 miscarriages and he is so precious to us along with our DD. However, I had the worst night of my life last night with him. It doesn't help that I'm on antibiotics for a chest infection and coughing with every breath either. You sound completely normal to me, and don't feel bad for snapping.

My son was up every hour from 3am to 9am. EVERY HOUR...and reading all the other posts now, I had completely forgotten that he's hitting his growth spurt stage and so will want a feed every hour. I just gave up a few hours ago and gave him formula and got my 4 year old DD to feed him whilst I had something to eat. I feel so stupid now, and hope I haven't messed up my milk supply!

I completely agree with the others that it may be that your baby is just hungry, so keep offering your breast. You also mention reflux; my son was diagnosed with this 2 weeks ago and is on infant gaviscon. Is there any way you could get this in South America? I've also lifted his mattress from the back with books at about a 30 degrees angle so he's slightly upright and this has also made a big big difference. After a feed, I try to keep him upright for at least 15 mins by holding him close to my body and sitting back in bed. Finally, you could try taking all your baby's clothes off and just swaddling him with a muslin cloth to cope with the heat. You could also try something like Magicool (you may be able to buy it from Amazon) and spray him to keep him cool or even just a water spray.

I really hope you are okay and you WILL get through this!! My son is crying again - he slept for 30 mins this time....