Help...all alone and frightened with a newborn

[what2eatwhenurbored]

I'm not sure there is any more practical advice you or anyone can give me but reassurance, please, I'm not going mad or doing anything detrimental to my baby would help. I don't think I'd ever admit how I feel to anyone unless anonymously on here, which is sad.

I am looking after my 6 and a half week old baby boy, A, on my own in South America. I have no Health Visitor or help BF so am managing fast let down and reflux and all those delights from google and utube tips. My husband has left for 3 weeks for work and taken with him several of his work colleagues who just happen to be my only support network. I tried to organise some help at home from a cleaner to come in 3 times a week but she cancelled last minute and disappeared. I have 2 and a half weeks left, just me and A and I'm scared I won't last that long. I don't have any friends/family here or anyone I can not be polite in front of so I find socialising more stressful than staying at home sometimes. I cope by walking with A in various contraptions but I have a bad back/shoulder and slow recovery post CS I'm too exhausted to do this several times a day to settle him.

Twice now I've had to put A in one room while I retreat to the other to scream into a pillow and smash a few plates/doors/jar of olives. Just now I lifted him in baby bouncer and said 'What....do....you...want???' because I couldn't jiggle him any more as I was worried I was starting to do it too aggressively. I can feel myself going...about to snap and I have to move him or me out of the way but I worry when I speak harshly to him and swear in an angry tone that I'm hurting him and I feel so guilty because it's not his fault and I feel even worse that I went through IVF and years of crap to bring him into the world so I should have more patience and kindness even when tired.

I've jokingly told other mums and other childfree friends all of the above and they all look uncomfortable like they never felt so angry. The other day I managed to go out and he started crying again and I rolled my eyes and said 'now what?'...I just felt others were giving me evils or looking at one another like 'oh dear she's losing it'.

If anyone else has ever felt like this, so desperate with crying baby it would be helpful to know, even more so if you snap like me as no one I know seems to admit to snapping like me.

Thanks for reading...

P.S. It's 30 degrees at night...too hot to swaddle and we don't have aircon just to add to the tension

Yes...I also have an ideal view of home...if only I were in the UK I would have family and friends all around me but I'm sure it would have it's challenges too, though I can't wait to leave here in April for internet shopping...funnily enough, dinner last night involved chopped tomatoes...

I can't add much to the excellent advice you've had on here already OP, but wanted you to know I had my DD in Spain and was in a similar position to you wrt the language barrier and although my DH was around and generally wonderful, there were still times when I felt lost and alone. My DD wasn't refluxy, but she had some other issues and like you, I relied on MN and Google to find out what to do. It was pretty challenging at times!

You're doing great! It's not easy and the 6 week mark is often a low point for new mums.

If you're interested, I used muslin swaddles for DD - made in Australia and aimed at hot countries, so worth considering if you want to try swaddling. I found after initial resistance, Dr Harvey Karp's baby soothing method involving swaddling worked like magic on DD.

Also Naomi Stadlen's book is a lifesaver IMO. It's not a parenting manual, it's about the way you feel when you become a mother. Incredibly reassuring and helpful.

Good luck and do keep checking in when you need a boost or just want to communicate in English with people!!

Sounds like some great advice here and sorry if this has already been said, I haven't read the whole thread, but ds has silent reflux and it is a killer. He is my second dc and I really struggled to cope to keep myself together... All that crying.. It still makes me feel a bit sick thinking about it now!

Anyway keeping baby upright after feeds for good 20 mins, burping by rubbing not patting to keep fluid down and trying limit jiggling all helped. I think you are co sleeping but keeping his cot or something a little raised at the head end also helps.

We had to use drugs to help but gripe water did calm him a little to start with as it has antacid in it. No idea if you can get it in SA but maybe worth looking?

Good luck. Remember every day finished is another one nearer the end of this challenge! It will all be worth it eventually!

Hi What to eat, glad the advice has helped and that you are taking it easy with co-sleeping and feeding on demand, lengthening time between feeds is a load of BS IMHO! Maybe when you go to your mums group you could ask if anyone's up for meeting weekly instead of monthly, I'm sure they would be. I am also abroad and though its lonely at times there are advantages, like DH and I dont have to share DD all the time. DD is 6months now and its much easier but I have flu at moment so am exhausted, feeding lying down and I have even managed a 5 min nap while she was feeding! Yesterday I fell asleep for a few mins while DD was playing with my hair! Even a short nap helps, and makes me feel sane again. Good luck with everything!

I agree with the feed him if he won't stop crying.

I worried myself dreadfully in the first month or so that I was supposed to be in some sort of pattern, and that every time I tried to put DD to sleep she would cry.

Now whenever she cries I try to feed her first, which usually (except after jabs) calms her down, then anything else can be worked out afterwards! :)
It's usually food though. (she's 10 weeks now)

I have come to realise that routine and worrying don't help (i know that sounds obvious!), but I'm just trying to relax about it.
Yes, it's frustrating when she cries for no reason, but the boob thing works, and it gives me that extra bit of sanity time. I think it's just the fact that she calms down that keeps me sane - like I'm not completely useless after all.

:)

I've popped back this evening, now the LOs are in bed, and am pleased to see that someone has beaten me to it with the 'rub, don't pat or jiggle due to the reflux' advice. I had to keep mine upright for 90 mins after a feed - basically until they could lie still for longer than 5 mins without writhing/screaming/being sick. I had to see it as bonus cuddle time (and let the housework and admin go to pot!)

Personally, I would view the 'feed him if he won't stop crying' with a little note of caution that refluxy babies do comfort feed. Obviously, this can be useful, but beware that it doesn't start a vicious circle for your LO if feeding causes him pain. I used a dummy for my two as it helped me to determine when they needed comfort from the reflux and when they needed feeding. Dummies are also supposed to be good for reflux generally.

Having had two refluxy children, one with silent reflux and one most definitely not, I can quite honestly say that it has provided some of the toughest hours and days of my life, despite having a very supportive husband around in the evenings to help me. I can't imagine what you are going through, but do keep posting on here as people will hold your hand as much as possible until things start to settle down for you.

Great expat advice,links,contacts thanks!

Yes the Naomi S book is great, it was the only book I read when pregnant, maybe I need to revisit it now.

Friend bought me a large muslin so may have another go at swaddling.

Interesting the encouragement here to feed on demand and abandon routines as you all seem to be speaking from experience and the pressure for routines and 4 hourly feeding is coming from another online group of women I shared a EDD with who all had IVF, according to the group all the FF babies are sleeping through the night or waking once while others are BF mums are still posting 'should I wake my baby to be fed it's been 5 hours'....while I'm thinking to myself that my baby has not gone more than 3 hours between feeds since he was born...
I have found it helpful to stop comparing, with your encouragement as I was actually quite happy with the way things were before, following my gut and responding to my baby as and when...

Good for you, what2eat!
Babies are all different and babies that don't sleep for very long at a stretch are very common (mine was one), especially at this age. Keep on updating us, especially if you start to feel lonely. I found MN such a tonic when I was in Spain.

I'm really glad that you are able to trust your instincts more. With refluxy babies, I'm afraid you often find that you have to throw any rule book out the window (do what you have to to get through...) and that such babies may take a lot longer to sleep through due to pain and disturbance that it can cause them. Keep going - you sound much more positive.

Not only do I practice demand feeding (and what an unpleasant term that is) I sincerely believe that it is the best way to parent your very young baby. Many many people feel the same way. A tiny baby needs to learn that their mother is there for them, they do NOT have wants, only needs that should be addressed.

Routine? Pah....

Glad you are feeling better OP

routines are for older kids, anything goes those first weeks.

I say this as a smug parent of three who sleep well, for those first few weeks accept you do nothing other than feed (most of the day and night), just try and put the baby down with it's eye half open now and again to get used to sleeping by itself, other than that seriously fuck it.

if it cries try a cuddle, then a feed, then nappy, then a rock, then a walk.

try skin to skin loads it works so well.

accept you will get nothing done.

eat and sleep when you can.

if it all gets too much walk out the room and shout (poor dog thought it was getting told off loads!)

This too shall pass (repeat for the next eighteen years)

ps I demand fed all of mine and they all slept through early. Just don't turn on lights/change nappies/no eye contact/speaking etc

I agree with the feeding on demand, my DS has reflux too and in the early weeks he fed every almost constantly! If he was in pain with the reflux it helped him to have a little snack boob to wash the acid away, and also calmed him down. He's a big screamer and hated being in the buggy, so he practically lived in a sling until he could sit upright. If it helps, try using a HipSeat, I found the slings hurt my neck/back/shoulders after a while, but the HipSeat takes all the weight lower down so was more comfortable when he got heavier.
If you feel like screaming and can't leave the room, you can "Shhhhhhhhh!" very aggressively and it helps you get it off your chest without feeling like a complete turd for shouting at the baby (which I have also done).
Def a good idea to go out and see people even if you feel like hiding under the duvet, everything seems far more in perspective when you've got your 'outside head' on.
Its possible your DC might also be struggling to feed a little because of your fast let down, a friend told me it helped her to express a bit before latching on, to let some pressure off? Haven't had that issue myself, HV told me I had 'over-efficient nipple sphincters'!

PS I meant to add: the next person who offers to come round and help, say yes! Even if they're just an acquaintance. You can always cancel if you really feel you don't need them, but you'd be amazed how many people are happy to do your hoovering when you have a newborn. When my husband was away for just a week with work an NCT friend I didn't know well at the time insisted I go round to theirs for dinner, even picked me & DS up and dropped us home, it was the first proper meal I'd eaten in four days, it made a huge difference to my poor hormonal sleep deprived head! Take care of yourself as well as DC. x

Hello what2eat glad your feeling semi normal again!
I have lots of english friends with babies/kids etc if you want me to in touch with them? Not quite in BA but pilar/amaghino/nechochea/MDP and balcarce. Their all lovely!

Where in Scotland are you heading back to OP (no probs if you don't want to say!)

If it turns out to be anywhere near me I'll try to give you an idea of what baby type things are available.

Perhaps a positive thing arising from you being alone can be the ability to please yourself and your ds? Eat, feed, sleep etc whoever you want without feeling you need to suit anyone else? It can be hard when all you want to do is hibernate with a new wee baby but you have to fit in demands/expectations from other dc/dh/mil etc! Enjoy just going with the flow! And ignore all the 4hrly feed crap! Good luck!