Help...all alone and frightened with a newborn

[what2eatwhenurbored]

I'm not sure there is any more practical advice you or anyone can give me but reassurance, please, I'm not going mad or doing anything detrimental to my baby would help. I don't think I'd ever admit how I feel to anyone unless anonymously on here, which is sad.

I am looking after my 6 and a half week old baby boy, A, on my own in South America. I have no Health Visitor or help BF so am managing fast let down and reflux and all those delights from google and utube tips. My husband has left for 3 weeks for work and taken with him several of his work colleagues who just happen to be my only support network. I tried to organise some help at home from a cleaner to come in 3 times a week but she cancelled last minute and disappeared. I have 2 and a half weeks left, just me and A and I'm scared I won't last that long. I don't have any friends/family here or anyone I can not be polite in front of so I find socialising more stressful than staying at home sometimes. I cope by walking with A in various contraptions but I have a bad back/shoulder and slow recovery post CS I'm too exhausted to do this several times a day to settle him.

Twice now I've had to put A in one room while I retreat to the other to scream into a pillow and smash a few plates/doors/jar of olives. Just now I lifted him in baby bouncer and said 'What....do....you...want???' because I couldn't jiggle him any more as I was worried I was starting to do it too aggressively. I can feel myself going...about to snap and I have to move him or me out of the way but I worry when I speak harshly to him and swear in an angry tone that I'm hurting him and I feel so guilty because it's not his fault and I feel even worse that I went through IVF and years of crap to bring him into the world so I should have more patience and kindness even when tired.

I've jokingly told other mums and other childfree friends all of the above and they all look uncomfortable like they never felt so angry. The other day I managed to go out and he started crying again and I rolled my eyes and said 'now what?'...I just felt others were giving me evils or looking at one another like 'oh dear she's losing it'.

If anyone else has ever felt like this, so desperate with crying baby it would be helpful to know, even more so if you snap like me as no one I know seems to admit to snapping like me.

Thanks for reading...

P.S. It's 30 degrees at night...too hot to swaddle and we don't have aircon just to add to the tension

It sounds like you're in a tough situation but honestly everyone (I think!) has a moment when they want to throw the baby out of the window at 3am. I did on day two I think, I genuinely started hallucinating about chucking her out of the hospital window

I have also shouted at a poor defenceless baby on too many occasions Not proud of that, but it's the truth.

Be kind to yourself, honestly, the first few months all the baby has to do is grow and sleep. No fancy games/toys/stimulation needed. My DD used to need a lot of rocking and white noise to sleep, but just go with it as it improves massively in a few months. I used to put her in her pushchair and rock her for hours in our front room whilst watching Sky. Just do whatever you have to do. x

I had a reflux baby too - so hard.
2 things from me

1. baby finds it hard to concentrate on 3 things when hes crying, try white noise, pat pat, pat and a jiggle, or a shh noise.
2. baby only has a short sleep cycle, often 30-40mins. When baby starts his nap, do not start jobs around the house, make it your priority to lay own and close your eyes straight away.

Everyone lse has great advice too.

Yes I've felt like that. It scares me when I feel like that but I think it's natural to happen when it's you alone and no one there to talk to/take your stress away/take the baby off you. When you're responsible every minute of every day with a baby who only has needs and doesn't really give anything back (which is totally normal for a newborn) it's so hard to keep a sense of mental balance. I think leaving the baby, safely, in a room while you go into another room to just calm yourself or get some minutes to yourself is totally fine. I think leaving a baby by themselves for a short while (even if they're crying) is totally preferable to what might happen if you push yourself too far.

I hope things get easier for you.

the one thing everyone kept telling me was IT WILL GET BETTER - they were right but the first 9 weeks were ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER - i found it easier to think: one challenge will be resolved and another will arise. And I had a lot of support (mum, boyfriend around and not working silly hours) - breastfeeding was so painful, at times i almost threw my baby at my boyfriend or got v v angry at her, had to go into another room and cried - the guilt was awful etc. I think the period straight after labour is so rough because physically you haven't recovered and you're launched into the toughest ordeal yet - your baby doesn't smile or respond, just takes from you and actually hurts you - you feel judged if you are honest about it etc. My baby is 4 months now and OH MY GOD it is so much easier. I wish i hadn't done anything for 3 months - I understand why some cultures do confinement, where the mum doesn't leave the house for 30 days and is just helped out by other female relatives. Ok for you - I'm half Spanish with family in S America - they do have different views over there - breastfeeding isn't so common in public, they are v family orientated, they are not like English women and the culture is more machismo - you won't get the support that you would get here without a shadow of a doubt. I really recommend if poss getting a friend or close relative who you like to come over and stay with you - even for a week. Post online as much as possible - get the support from there - my iPhone got me through the worst of the breastfeeding - something to do/look at/distract me from the pain. April is a good cut off, not too long now, end in sight. At the english speaking mums groups be a desperate harpy and take everyones number and just arrange to meet up with them (its a bit like what you do when you move to a new country anyway - speak to everyone cos your desperate). I know its really hard when you are so vulnerable and tired but getting out of the house everyday and having one adult conversation is so important. when you talk to people just tell them: i'm away from my home and family with a new baby and its really hard - everyone will understand that. It also depends on where you are in s america - brazil is fabbo for kids, argentina (my family) bits of are ok. other parts of s america are tougher - life is hard there. Re your baby - by 3 months all the digestive stuff settles down - my baby was colicy and we noticed HUGE improvement around 12 weeks - this seems to be standard. Just go day by day and I really hope you are able to talk to your partner about this otherwise the sheer difficulty of what you are going through may make you end up really resenting him for 'putting you through this' - not saying he has intentionally - he's a new dad too - its his job etc - he didn't know - but if he's not emphatic or supportive then that is a real kicker. on the upside you will love scotland!

With the white noise I have to put it up really loud for it to work.

You're definitely not alone. I can remember telling my daughter to shut the fuck up when she was a few weeks old, I still feel horrible about it now. I also told my husband we were going to have to put her up for adoption as I couldn't cope, which seems ridiculous now That time passed really quickly looking back.

Oh you poor thing! I can't imagine being left alone with a newborn for three weeks. My DH went on a two-day business trip five days after DS1 was born and I had to have a friend stay with me

Definitely break each day into routine chunks. Never leave yourself with hours and hours of nothing - down that road madness lies. Actually, that's true of parenting small children whatever their age. If I have a day where we haven't got any activities planned I nearly go out of my mind even now.

Can you Skype with friends and family back home? Can you arrange a call every day so you never go a day without speaking to someone face-to-face, even if it is over the computer? If not, can you ask people to call you, even if it's just for 5 mins (I appreciate that it might be v. expensive).

And yes, I've yelled at my newborn babies on occasion when they're just crying and crying and I don't know why. It can be so maddening and when you're alone and isolated it just makes you feel even more alone and utterly helpless. It's okay to put him in his crib and walk away sometimes - particularly if you feel the 'red mist' coming down.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself how many days you've already done. And tell your DH that this kind of trip is NOT ON in future. I'd have an absolute fit if my DH went away for so long. A week is my absolute limit (and my DH travels regularly for work), but three weeks? No bloody way! Especially when you're stranded in a country where you can't communicate properly.

one day at a time, you are gdoing great, every new mother has to scream into a pillow sometimes, the pitch of your own babies cry is such that it is designed to make you agitated so you have to do something quickly. keep posting and keep chatting, it must be so hard on your own, dont look at the long term, it will overwhelm you, enjoy any good moments and remember them, maybe even write them down. you are a great mum and your baby is very lucky to have you.

Can't really add much more advice than has been given already but I just wanted to tell you, you are not alone. I had dd 6 after 5 attempts at iui including two mc's, she was a very much wanted child but there are times when I could throttle her! I feel the same as you at times in that it wasn't easy to bring her into the world so I should be grateful for every minute but life just isn't like that. You're doing great considering the cs

Am bfing, so can't type much...

was recommended to me. I know it involves swaddling but I think you can adapt it by using a sheet not a blanket.

Sorry if it's been suggested and for being brief. Will come back.

Hope your day is going ok

Hi all...thanks for all the wonderful comments, we tried some of the ideas and I think it really helped to just BF whenever as I'd felt pressured by another online group to be lengthening time between feeds now he's 7 weeks and not to BF on demand so much and it wasn't working.
I also forced myself to sleep from 9-12pm which is the only guaranteed nap he has and usually I clean, tidy and catch up on emails rather than sleep which isn't working now I'm home alone.
So I feel I have more perspective today...thanks :)

That's great.

Feed on demand - a pattern will emerge anyway as they get older.

Where in SA are you? Are there any expat communities you cam key into?

Keep posting, you are not alone, you have us.

I've been there and it is hideous.

But it is just a phase and it will pass.

Go easy on yourself and do the bare minimum just to get through the next couple of weeks.

Glad you're not going to try and lengthen time between feeds - far too much pain for no gain.

Don't know which country you're in, but have you looked for a La Leche League group near you? I just looked them up and they have groups in many SA countries.

Just wanted to add my voice to this - you are not mad, you are totally normal!

My husband travelled to the other side of the world for business for 3 weeks for when our firstborn was 3 weeks old. It was one of the hardest periods of my life. I still feel sick when I think about it. I felt like I was going insane! Part of the problem was loneliness - I literally did not have anyone to talk to. Then there was the monotony - the same old, same old every day drove me mad. And finally, there was the complete lack of time for myself. I seemed to be constantly trying to get him to sleep, or feeding, or burping, or changing or worrying about some aspect of his care. Bloody exhausting! I was very. very hard on myself, too, and I think this is the crux of it - when you are on your own with a small child, you have to adopt a Malcom X approach and get by 'By Any Means Necessary'...which means you do whatever it takes to feel OK.

For me. that meant an outing every day in order to have some social contact - even if it was just a coffee in a cafe and a smile from a waiter.

It also meant a loy of lying around in my PJs watching boxset DVDs, stuffing my face with good food and feeding my baby on demand.

It is very hard that you have been left with no support at such an early stage. Go easy on yourself. And don't bottle this up when your husband gets back - tell him how hard you found it and make sure that if he has to travel again/regularly, he helps to organise proper support for you.

Glad you are feeling better.

I would say to ignore anyone who pressures you to do stuff that does not feel natural with such a small baby. You cannot go wrong by responding to them. I felt under enormous pressure with my first DC because he fed every hour - it was MN that made me realise that this was good mothering rather than 'giving in'.

sounded like a day in the zoo house (without the heat)when dcs were tiny.perfectly normal.

keep reminding yourself it will get easier and april will soon come around
big hugs.keep posting
always someone on here to chat to

Hi. Just wanted to say I agree with the other replies - sleep and feeds are priority at the moment. I only really fortunes onto this second time round, but it does make a huge difference.

If you try and get 6-7 hours sleep in 24 hours, even if it just short naps, feed on demand, and have at least one walk a day, you will find you can get through it.

I couldn't face a baby group until around 8 weeks, and DS screamed pretty much constantly until 13 weeks, so I felt quite isolated, but it does pass.

My cousin has just returned from south america with her baby. She managed the first three months out there with little support, but she did find it hard. It is just a very different set up over there.

I was convinced I a had fast let-down as my baby fought the breast and screamed blue murder, day and night. Turned out to be silent reflux. I am presuming you can't get meds? If this is the case, in addition to all the above, I would also say cut out all dairy from your diet. My DS's dietician told me about this link between reflux and dairy and things dramatically improved once eliminated. Hang in there!

-Yes, I'm in Buenos Aires and it's very different. My husband was quite slack at setting up support though, I found a 'home help' for 3 times a week so he thought it would be fine but the lady disappeared at the last minute...basically his whole job builds up to this trip each year and if we could afford it I would have gone with him. Otherwise, I fly back once a year so could have done so now but we are still waiting for the baby passport and cannot take A out of the country until then. My Mum visited (useless, stressful) after A born but is back in england as my little sister has a baby due in a week. My sister was going to stay with me until she announced her surprise pregnancy...anyway, here we are crap situation but I'm doing one thing each day.
-Today i visited my old students with A and had a coffee with them and this afternoon A and i co-slept (thanks for that tip) for 2 hours which really helped.
-I wonder about fast let down as feeding is better when I let A latch on for a bit, then remove him, hand express about 30 mls (often without any pressure as the flow is so so powerful) relatch and away we go. However, he definitely has a little reflux as he sometimes writhes around and stops feeding, he coughs a lot and it just seems so...Dr said it's par for the course and I have an enormous well fed baby so should stop worrying...I haven't had the energy to tackle it further I'm afraid, it happens on average 2 feeds a day, the rest seem ok...we shall see. Great comments...it all helps

I was going to suggest taking to your bed . Seriously you can fed lying down, nap when the baby naps and best of all the house won't need tidying cause you won't gave messed it up

Don't put any pressure on yourself for anything. All you have to do is make it to the end of the day. Bf on demand is better for reflux than trying to extend tge feeds. just take in every second of this time because it really will be over so soon

Sone of my best times with ds have been when I've dropped dd at nursery and gone back to bed. Mind you it was weird when dh came home unexpected and I answers the door in my dressing gown in tge middle of tge day, there was my little nest with a baby, a book, my iPhone and a packet of biscuits

This could have been me six months ago, when dp left me and our four week old for a two week work trip. You will get through it. I ate all the food in the house, then lived on chopped tomatoes on toast as couldn't work out how to push chair round supermarket while carrying basket! We are also living away from home and had no one I could ask to do shopping.
Just as an aside, it took me four months to really adjust to being a mother, so don't worry if you aren't enjoying it yet, it takes time. Looking back I think I was in shock for weeks afterwards. But now I love it, so hold in there!

In fact my dp is off on another trip right now, his second since ds was born. We moved house two days before he left so I have spent all week waiting in for delivery men, cable men etc. it's pretty hard but nowhere near as tough as last time. I clearly remember sitting looking at this defenseless baby, bored but also unable to actually do anything. Hours of sitting on sofa trying to get him to latch on.
I used to cry thinking about all the visitors we'd have if we were in the uk. But I look back on that time now and think I got through that, on my own. I can get through anything. And I'd rather be the one getting to know the baby than the one sent off for work.

Well you sound like you're keeping sane, which is a major achievement! Yes, BF on demand - really, really important. And sleep when you know you can - also really important. When both mine were tiny I'd go to bed at 9pm too as I could guarantee a nice stretch between that feed and the next one. If you can nap during the day, do that too. Laundry and emails can wait.

When I had my first DS I was living in the US and those first months were so bloody lonely until I met a few other local mums and we formed our own little group. There's a British Council in BA - they usually have a notice board where you can post messages and reach out to other English-speakers in the area.

British Council
Marcelo T de Alvear 590 4th Floor
C1058AAF
Buenos Aires

Telephone +54 (0) 11 4114 8600
E-mail [email protected]
Web: www.britishcouncil.org/argentina

HTH