Re: good parents. My fucking DD.

[BiWinning]

That's harsh. I adore her but JESUS.

DD is 3, 4 in a few months. She's been ill for a week but is now coming out of it. She's still tired because she barely eats. She's picky regardless, hates soup, hot drinks, any meat etc.

I made her mac and cheese for dinner. She was whining all the way through and eat one bite. I made her Ready Brek and she has eaten one bite of that too.

She is introduced to all the foods she dislikes regularly. I am constantly trying out new recipes with food she likes to no avail. She is thin but doesn't lack energy. She just will not eat. People have told me it's a phase but it's been going on for a year and a half. Even the food she does like is hit or miss and she often goes to bed hungry because she refuses to eat anything.

I am just at my wits end. She cries and protests through every single meal. It's making me insane. I dread feeding her knowing my 14 month old eats everything and she eats a normal portion of one meal in an entire day.

I don't give her snacks other than fruit and I rarely make her something else if she refuses to eat one meal. It's all wastage that I cannot afford.

I am not a good mother. Please help me make her eat. A basic thing like this is eluding me.

My DD is now 13.

And I can tell you for years and years and years she didn't eat. Hardly at all. I used to hide in the downstairs loo and cry at the thought of having to feed her or that it was dinner time and I was going to have to put a meal on the table that she was going to turn her nose up at.

Note - I hadn't actually fed her, it was the thought of it

And it will pass.

but it sucks in the meantime.

And you're not a shit mum.

How did you cope? I feel so awful that I can't make her eat when she clearly needs the vitamins day to day. How can I keep her healthy without physically forcing good food down her throat?

Poor you. I can't speak from experience as both mine eat well. They have both gone through fussy/non eating phases though and I've just brazened it out! However, food is never a big issue, they eat dinner or not..if they're hungry later and haven't eaten dinner they can have something healthyish..fruit/yogurt/cereal/toast and peanut butter etc..and am perfectly happy if they just eat a couple of spoonfulls. My 4 year old eats little and often, older sister prefers the three meals a day thing. I am not aware of a small child ever willfully starving themselves, everyone gets hungry eventually, but it can get very emotional so completely chill out, offer food, if she doesn't want it that fine, offer again after a while..suggest you make a cake together and let her lick the spoon if she wants..or no problem if she doesn't...once she sees its not an issue she may start to eat a bit more. And don't worry if it's minute amounts...even a small bite (not forced) will encourage her and wake that stomach up a bit! Obviously tell me to get stuffed if you think I'm wrong . Hope it all works out for you.

Advice from my very sensible very elderly GP.

Put the food in front of her.

Everyone eats.

When everyone is finished clear the table.

No otherwise healthy child without issues will starve themselves. She will eat if she's hungry.

And it sounds simplistic and it is awful hard to do but it is the answer. Hard as it is, do not stress.

(Assuming no underlying issues)

But it is awful and cannot be under estimated

You are not a bad Mum, you just have a fussy eater.
Maybe you could rein in the trying new foods - if she only likes certain things, trying lots of new foods could be doing more harm than good by creating more stress at mealtimes.
In what way is she fussy - is it taste or texture based?
Personally, I don't have a problem with letting kids have things like biscuits and sweets in moderation as long as they are otherwise active and not overweight.
My DD is moderately fussy and my DSD was very fussy indeed when younger (slightly less so now - there is light at the end of the tunnel). My DD won't eat meat, doesn't like sauces or food mixed up, whereas my DSD likes/dislikes are very texture related.

Your stress is probably exascerbating the problem - there was a programme on a while ago where the parents were told just to put the food down and walk away - your daughter is getting attention from you by doing this - it is not good attention but at least she is getting attention - make extra effort when praising her for stuff she does and when she does actually eat something then go over board but do not let her see you stressed.

DS ate only sausages, cucumber and clementine oranges all dipped in ketchup for ages - he is now a happy healthy 7 year old who eats anything and lots of it.

This is really a case of pick your battles and don't let it become the be all and end all.

Good luck - it is awfully hard I know but you will get through this.

Someone linked to a book in my very similar thread yesterday

I personally am not totally convinced by the 'they will eat when they are hungry' theory. Yes they will have to eat something, but is it enough and with enough nutrients, vitamins, minerals etc? They are at such an important stage for growth and development.

I know many will say the above paragraph explains why my children are fussy but I don't want food to be a battle ground or have horrible associations for them.

Haven't bought the book yet, but hope it will help.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will buy the book when I get paid.

I have put food down and left her to it. I have cleared all food away at the table when we're finished. I did both for a month period each and it made no difference. Should I try again and for longer? How long should I give it? I have also tried the 'If you don't eat it now you'll have it for lunch/dinner/tomorrow' tactic too.

I think it's more texture based. She'll eat chicken flavoured sauces on her pasta but not chicken, tomato flavoured sauces with pasta but not tomatoes etc. she eats apples, bananas, grapes, broccoli, carrots , mashed potato (but not in any other form), pasta with sauce, oats, bread, butter, jam, gravy, cheese toasties, cheese on whatever she can, chocolate, biscuits, cake, yogurts etc but even these can be a struggle if she's in a mood. I try to vary these things in meals but making two of different things isn't great all the time. She won't eat fast food which is good but she won't eat anything at home either. It's just so frustrating.

I have also tried Quorn varients to no avail. She won't eat rice, quinoa or cous cous either.

Best advice I ever got about my fussy DD was to put dinner infront of her. And IGNORE HER

same time every day

She started to pick within two meals and by the 10th ish meal she ate the whole lot without a fuss. I still have to ignore her completely and she's 5

Dd2 who is 14 months will eat and eat an eat.

I'm not in London which is a shame as it looks very interesting.

I think you have a particularly stubborn one and if you've already tried those tactics and it hasn't worked, she is not going to cave in easily.
I don't agree with serving up uneaten food again later - it's even less appetising then and not likely to induce a reluctant eater to engage.
Variety of meals is not such an issue for many children as it is for adults, my DSD would have happily eaten pasta and cheese sauce every night without getting bored. If she has a limited repertoire of meals, I'd stick mostly to those and introduce new foods very occasionally and try her with things that are really similar to things she already likes.
Have you heard of this?
www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/supertaster/

Back off her - let her eat what she wants when she wants. And it is unpleasant to hear her called f***g DD.

I'm a fussy eater. The only thing I can suggest is to not make meal times a battle. Offer the food, she will eat it or not. Don't tell her off if she doesn't eat and maybe don't make a big deal of it if se does.

I remember watching dr Tanya (where is she these days?) and she encouraged parents to let children literally play with the food so they were used to holding it and some would end up in their mouths.

Mnhq. Can we get dr Tanya back on here please? Purlease?!

That's not too bad a range of foods she's eating though.

I have no real advice except try not to worry too much. I know that's hard but try, nonetheless. My ds1 was an atrocious eater (and I had done everything you have done wrt new foods etc) and at one point would virtually only eat chicken dippers and chips for dinner- and wouldn't be 'fobbed off' with home-made versions either.

However, he is now 16, taller than me and surprises me regularly with the foods he suddenly says he 'loves'. (Incidentally I was told this would happen by the health visitor and I didn't believe her. But it's come true )

Have you seen the book "My Child Won't Eat"? The new edition is out any day now, you should be able to order it in to any bookshop or library (libraries tend to charge a nominal fee, e.g. £1) or they might have the older edition in your local library or La Leche League group (I'm 100% sure they wouldn't mind if you are not breastfeeding but still wanted to borrow a book!)

My DS has a very limited diet, caused by his autism and sensory issues. He eats less than your DD in range but a good amount of it. I was told not to worry by HV and by paediatrician.

Is she underweight? You say her energy levels are good.

One thing I do with my DS and that I have done in the past with children in my care is always make sure there is one portion of something they will eat, so there is always a little of something there that you know they can stomach.

It must be hard but I think you need to disengage emotionally from the food. No mention of how much she is eating or what, talk about other things if she's in a good mood.

step back.

Don't over alternatives like ready brek.

Give her normal food at meal times, if she doesn't want it , fine, but say she has to sit down at the table for a bit (5 mins). Sit down with her talking about something NOT food, like a fun thing that happened or else ignore her and do your own thing, but stay nearby.

DO not encourage, cajole or pressurise.

Occasionally add a new food, if she doesn't like it, not a problem.

If she has just been ill, she may well not fancy any food. Any pressure will make it worse. Her appetite will come back in its own good time.

If she says she is hungry shortly after meal time, tell her she missed her chance. Let it sink in, but then later give her some toast or so before bed so she doesn't go hungry. However, don't offer bed time snack as routine. (be a bit inconsistent , it is a badge of motherhood)

Do not compare her to other children, or if you must, compare her to that girl who was on TV who only eats cheesy wotsits and chocolate and count your blessings.

I have a VERY fussy eater, and we used to tear our hair out, but this approach worked. There are still things he won't eat, or days he eats just a tiny meal. But mostly he is fine. He is 9 now. he even eats school dinners, or pretends to.

Honestly, make one thing you know she has eaten in the past, give her hers and ignore her. Don't give her any eye contact, encouragement, sighing, nothing. Do not give her options/anything else. When the younger one is finished, take it all away.

Give her some childrens' vitamins.

She has been like this for 18 months - she's still with us, stop winding yourself up into a state - no one benefits, truely. She will be OK.

DD would happily live on toast for breakfast, a cheese toastie for lunch and pasta with tomato sauce and cheese for dinner as long as there's unlimited chocolate/yogurts/strawberry Ribena going. Should I just do this and leave her to it? How do I know if she's getting the nutrients she needs? I am so confused.

Right now she's throwing a fit as I gave her chocolate milkshake instead strawberry ribena to get some calcium in her.

At her age, I would stick to the food and tastes you know she will eat. Sit with her and eat with her, but chat about other things. Don't mention the food at all.

I have found that, whatever food was introduced and accepted by the age of two stuck, but anything introduced later was a problem. This continued until they reached around seven, when DS1 started to try new tastes again.

Yes, definitely stip making a big deal of it. Put food in front of her that you know she likes - nothing too challenging, keep it simple, and preferably stuff that can be save and re-served later to cut down on waste. Put small, non-daunting portions in front of her and say NOTHING. Then if she hasn't eaten it after 15 minutes or so, take it away and say NOTHING.

If she eventually flakes out from deydration and malnutrion, then worry like crazy. In the meantime, just let it pass and don't let her manipulate you or turn it into a huge battle.

Oh, and if she does come back and ask for it later, don't make a big thing of it and say I told you so - just quietly put it back in front of her and move on. No fuss, no attention, no drama.