Re: good parents. My fucking DD.

[BiWinning]

That's harsh. I adore her but JESUS.

DD is 3, 4 in a few months. She's been ill for a week but is now coming out of it. She's still tired because she barely eats. She's picky regardless, hates soup, hot drinks, any meat etc.

I made her mac and cheese for dinner. She was whining all the way through and eat one bite. I made her Ready Brek and she has eaten one bite of that too.

She is introduced to all the foods she dislikes regularly. I am constantly trying out new recipes with food she likes to no avail. She is thin but doesn't lack energy. She just will not eat. People have told me it's a phase but it's been going on for a year and a half. Even the food she does like is hit or miss and she often goes to bed hungry because she refuses to eat anything.

I am just at my wits end. She cries and protests through every single meal. It's making me insane. I dread feeding her knowing my 14 month old eats everything and she eats a normal portion of one meal in an entire day.

I don't give her snacks other than fruit and I rarely make her something else if she refuses to eat one meal. It's all wastage that I cannot afford.

I am not a good mother. Please help me make her eat. A basic thing like this is eluding me.

My 3 nearly 4yo DS can go through phases where he eats like a sparrow and/or won't touch anything, although he equally has big eating phases (eating like a horse today) so I don't have to worry about it. Anyway, a few thoughts:

1. It sounds like she actually eats a pretty wide variety of food which is great :o I thought she was a chicken nuggets only type girl until I read that. So your focus should be on increasing quantity rather than range I think. Don't bombard her with new foods for now, stick with what she likes for a while - take the pressure off a little and keep it familiar

2. Do you ever ask her what she would like for tea? Makes a huge difference with my DS if I offer 2 or 3 options and then make it

3. Do you ever get her to make her own tea? My DS always eats better when he's helped make it. He gets ideas from watching I Can Cook and reading a childrens cook book we got from a fair and asks if he can have them for tea and we try to oblige within a day or two and remind him he asked. Maybe you can start putting the telly on when I Can Cook is on so she starts to find cooking/eating interesting?

4. Would she eat better at a friend's house? My DS always eats brilliantly at other people's houses. Can you start getting invited round to friends for tea?

5. Try making mealtimes more fun/interesting. Have a picnic tea in the sitting room, take a packed lunch out to the park or soft play etc.

6. As the weather gets better, get her to start growing fruit and veg in your garden. My DS amazingly loves cabbage now, purely because we grew them in the garden last summer and he helped water them and so wanted to try his cabbages. Always hated it before, now is his favourite veg! He also learnt to love cucumber and carrots through growing them. And we grew loads of strawberries and just let him eat them straight from the bush

7. Does she like little and often? Have you tried just shoving a few snacks in front of her while she's playing so she can pick at them? Fruit, rice cakes, cheese etc. all work well like this. Some days my DS just wants to snack lots rather than eat big meals and I think that's fine

You can hide 5 gazillion veg in tomato sauce with pasta by the way. My DCs current favourite 'tomato' pasta sauce actually contains lentils, sweet potato, onions, tomatoes, cheddar, carrot and celery!

Also have loads of tubs of sauce in the freezer that you can just quickly defrost so you don't feel like you're making stuff from fresh every time which makes you feel so much worse when they reject it.

is there any way of making it fun and making her feel like a 'big girl' - i'm thinking i would make up a poster for the fridge with the food groups (really simple) and get her to put a stcker on it for every food group she eats nicely at a meal/ snack time. Then maybe some type of praise at the end of the week - count up the stickers or something? i would be quite matter of fact - you know, 'lets learn about the good stuff we need to help us run around,' then i'd talk about which bit to put apples in etc and then i'd get on with it.
definitely no cajoling and 'well done' at every bite!

My dd1 is the same, 2 years ago i took her to the gp as she was picking up so many illnesses and was so pale, i was at my wits end, she was half the size of most of her friends and very constipated. I told the gp that she would only east home made pizza, white bread/toast and yoghurt, he told me to let her eat what she wants and not to stress about it, i put her on multi vits and did what the gp told me. She's now 8 and still a picky eater and still eats pizza most nights but she's healthy, gets ill alot less and has colour in her cheeks.

So i would say 'relax and let her eat what she wants when she wants'

my advice is don't discuss eating or food with her

put things you know she likes in front of her (small portions) then ignore, clear away after a reasonable time without discussion or stress

don't offer food as a threat or a bribe or beg her to eat something

my DS who is now 10 drove me to the brink with his love of all things sausagey and very little else - he's in the other room now tucking into chicken and chorizo with cannellini beans and jacket potato. I'm sure it will change in time but you must not blow a gasket over it, treat it with nonchalence (difficult I know) but it will work.

My ds was/is like this. We have to ignore him and I mean really ignore him. Not look at him or remind him to eat or appear worried. No sitting quietly feeling stressed.

We just put the food there and talk amongst ourselves and eat.

He gradually got better over time. He's still fussy but at least eats meat now

You really have to think about your body language and facial expressions when trying to ignore her too as sometimes we can appear stressed without realising it.

Oh and I get healthy start vitamins for my ds too to make sure he's getting vits of he's going through a fussy spell.

Having read the list of what your DD eats, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Please let her decide her own appetite, which may be small. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about that.

My DS doesn't eat half of what she eats and I don't worry at all. I was a fussy eater though, so maybe that's why?

It's not such a bad list, compared to a four year old I knew who ate white bread, cucumber, one shape of pasta and mayonnaise only. Nothing else. Her mum used to cry too, and be thankful for the protein in the mayonnaise.

Very small portions of alternatives with no fuss, not even praise if they were eaten, helped crack it. Tiny portions- teaspoonfuls.

She's perfectly normal now, but I remember how consuming it was for her family at the time.

shocking title, but i understand where you are coming from.

my ds now eats very well, but wowsers.... he went through a stage when he was bloody picky. Every night i would feel quite sick with myself at how worked up i had got about the issue throughout the day,

Multi vitamin, multi vitamin, multi vitamin. at least then you know she is getting her RDA of key vitamins. This should enable you to relax to some extent.

Continue to offer the disliked foods, in teeny tiny amounts. And massively big up her sister for eating everything and anything. I mean seriously ham it up, do a funny dance for her, kiss her etc etc. then if picky eater ever eats anything different, make a similarly huge song and dance for her.

My DD has been the same she is 12 now and I still dont know what she lives on at times althought some of the time is quite a bit better. The key- imo is EXERCISE- loads of it. Wait until she is really better.If she is only 3-4 a good brisk walk should do it. Put your toddler in the buggy and get her moving. Have something you can prepare quickly and simply once back home and after that stick with the elderly GPs advice. Swimming is also renound for giving an appetite. If you have or could borrow a dog she may also run around more than she otherwise would.
You are NOT a bad mum- if you shoved it in her mouth she could spit it out or throw it up so she has to want to do it. Your toddler is fine (as mine is) so it cant be you. good luckx

BiWinning Thanks for posting this. I've a 5 yr old DD who is a nightmare at mealtimes. She will only eat a handful of different meals and can go off her favourites with no notice. Sooooo frustrating when I've stood making her favourite only to be told 'yuk I don't like that Mum'. Especially when she ate it 2 days prior!

Her twin sister eats absolutely everything and so does my 14 month old DD. Desperately want to sort this before the little one starts picking up on it and I end up with 2 refusing to eat.

Will take the advice on board and try to stop offering alternatives when she hasn't eaten her tea. I have tried just putting the same as we're eating down to her and if I'm consistent with this I do see a marked improvement within a week. But then something will happen and I end up with her going back to her bad habits.

Hope things improve with you LO

I have watched my brother go up being as bad as what you are describing. Honestly. It has traumatised my mum so much she is now unbearable to be around when I'm trying to feed my own children, one of which is probably as fussy as yours.
She ACTUALLY took dd1 to the gp for a routine thing at my request, but ended up mentioning she thought she was malnourished and the health visitor called me up for an appointment!!!

My mother was advised by paediatrician (and backed up by dr. Spock!),
To just give the things he liked. He pretty much lived on fish fingers or sausages with chips, boiled eggs, bananas. HONESTLY. She did it, but it still worried her senseless inside. [mind boggles as to why she is now in a spin about my dd]

I had the healthiest appetite ever and ate everything.
Now he has the healthiest diet and I'm a terrible snacker etc. He will literally eat anything now, in adulthood (except eggs).

It's SOO hard to make it a non issue. My problem is that my fussy eater is now having a bad influence on my better eating younger one.
I have to try and keep toddlers diet varied at lunch time and just stick to the same old pasta in the evening.

I really believe that if she is getting the right nutrients then why make your life so hard for yourself. It's boring, but just make the same old.

It makes it really difficult to keep the rest of the family happy, but I'd rather that than force her to try things and have her gagging at the table (that has happened).

Food is something to nourish us and you don't want to create bad associations with her and food.

I have cried at mealtimes. I used to have to walk away from the high-chair and hide in the kitchen to compose myself.

Because of that I feel very very very strongly about this.
Look at it this way pasta = carbs, tomato sauce - veg (any chance of mince in there?), yoghurt and cheese = protein and dairy.

There has been this massive push in the UK over the healthy eating, wonderful 3 yr olds eating salad, vegetables etc etc....

I feel like a failure because my child doesn't.

But I made a conscious decision not to let this put pressure on me.

I'd rather she ate a head-bangingly repetitive diet with a good balance than feel that she has to eat broccoli and oranges just like my friend's child.

Incidentally she has started reception in a 'healthy eating' school,

And I almost fell off my chair when she took a piece of cucumber from my salad and ate it - Seeing how her peers help has given her some insight in to how limited her diet is - not that it is helping much with the variety, but it was a small step for me.

(my friend didn't quite get why I was so excited that she was eating cucumber)

I'm sorry, I know this is a long post, but you can't imagine how strongly I feel about this, I do know exactly how you feel but that was my way of coping with the situation. (Meal times are actually quite pleasurable now)

Remember your dd has just been unwell and that sets you back so much with a fussy child. Try to keep things in perspective!

My dd was sick all week and honestly ate NOTHING for 2 days. Maybe half a banana here and there.

Before anyone jumps in, I do realise that offering different foods consistently is the key, and that is where I personally feel like a failure, But now we are at this stage I don't think I can keep offering up these different, new foods. I just want my child to eat and not worry about eating.

However, yes, I feel constantly guilty that I haven't engineered a way for her to have a more varied diet, and the unvaried but balanced diet is but a small consolation.

justone don't feel like a failure. This can be a long term thing, the offering new foods. I always give ds something he likes and along side this 'expose' him to new foods. Even if he doesn't eat the new food he might occasionally touch it, one time might taste it. I keep putting it there anyway. Gets him used to the idea

Ok, last post, I promise (I could happily talk about this all night)

But the wise old Dr Spock (yes, I know, widely disreputed now) did say
There are only two things that you CANNOT have any control over with your children, and that is how much goes in their body and what comes out.

Also, another thing that helped me, try and look at her diet over the space of a week, rather than daily.

She sounds similar to DD, another reluctant eater. She is terrified to try new foods. Really wants to, but takes the tiniest nibble, tenses up, cries, gags.
After much heartbreak and a fair few battles (she's 6) we now take the following approach.
Meals are for the most part what she'll eat. Endless pasta/pesto and fish fingers. I give her the plain carbs and veg she'll eat (raw peppers, cucumber) and extra protein in the form of a fish finger or cheese if she won't otherwise get any.
Alongside this she gets to choose one food which she would like to try to eat. I then serve this as much as possible and the rule is she has to eat it. Once she's had it ten times she can decide whether she likes it or not.
It's arduous, but working slowly. Newly adopted foods include homemade chicken nuggets and butternut squash.
I feel your pain. The key things for me are to let the child feel relaxed at meals and that they have control.

What do you mean you are not a good mother?

My Grandmother worried soooo much about my father not eating when he was little.

My DS is just the same as him. But because he is a middle chid, and not an only child and I am lazy I have not pandered to him. Yes, he is scrawny, but he has muscles and grows in height as expected. After 4 years of me serving up shepherds pie once a week and him refusing to eat, he finally tried some, and now happily eats it.

My eldest DC had real problems, to the point where he refused to eat because he was unhappy/angry/scared/sad. On the 3rd day of not eating he came into the kitchen, picked up a bread crust and devoured it.

As long as children have energy, then they will live. Stick in some vitamins, such as Minidex, and they won't drop dead any time soon.

I got into a state when my second son wouldn't eat.

So, I bought vitamin pills, made him eat them everyday and gave him the same meal as us every day.

If he ate it, he ate it. If he didn't, he didn't get anything else, apart from fruit.

He eats anything now.

Is there someone else who can handle mealtimes for a bit? It may well be as the others said that she is picking up your concern over this. If you can remove yourself it might flush the problem out a bit.

Best of luck - food is so emotive, isn't it?

OP I feel your pain too because I have been there. I had two very picky eaters (twins) who were just never hungry. There was no way I could tempt them to eat. They just did not like food.
I blamed myself and beat myself up over it. Took them to GP etc etc. Then it struck me that I was the only person who was at all concerned, no-one else thought there was a problem.
So in the end, out of self-preservation, I gave up.
Then, gradually it got better.

I'm going to recommend you take your child to a GP. My parents' next door neighbour had a child that refused to eat for years. They went through the 'bad parent' guilt-tripping, tried tempting their son with tasty things, even took him to a child psych. Eventually, a GP took a good look at the little boy's nose/throat passages and found a medical problem that required surgery to correct. Eating had been painful for him and that's why he hadn't wanted to do it. Once it was fixed, he ate like a horse and, last time I saw him, was a strapping 6'+ 20-something.

Dd2 has started trying to become fussy and because of my own experience I have to try really hard to not make meals a battlefield.

My dad still. Immense on my eating (though it has hugely improved) and it winds me up so much.

The thing that's worked for me is being ignored when I try new things. If I want attention, I mention it than dh will comment, otherwise he ignores me!

Just stop making food and mealtimes an issue.