How do you know when you're a good parent?

[BiWinning]

I constantly feel inadequate. I try not to compare myself to other parents but I can't help it. I don't really play with my DC's. They're 3 and 14 months. I read to them, take them for walks, to nursery, to playgroup, to an indoor play gym, to the park when the weather is nicer than it is now, we do some light crafts (cut and stick, glitter, lollipop stick men etc) but it seems a great deal of time is spent talking to them and watching DVD's (Barney etc so semi-educational for a big purple dinosaur).

What makes someone a good parent? How do you know when you are one? Do you feel like one?

I follow the good enough policy. I also do things I enjoy with my girls. Trips to parks, craft, visiting our friends and reading when I get the time. Don't play with them as I am simply not very good at it and don't enjoy it I will do puzzles, craft and baking but imaginative play isn't my thing. They are very good at playing together and in their own and have fantastic imaginations. So hope my good enough is good enough.

I pack them in during DD2's nap time for crafts, while dinner is cooking to give them something to do and it's a rush but I drop DD1 to nursery, do a 15 minute walk to playgroup then have to rush zo pick DD1 up on time. Right now I've left them to it. DD2 is taking her first real steps so she's figuring out the play room from a new height while DD1 is snuggled with her Dad being antisocial and I'm having a much needed cigarette.

OP, it sounds to me as if you are doing fine. You're not supposed to be your child's playmate, IMO - you're their mum, not their peer. They will play imaginatively with each other, alone, or with other children. What you're doing sounds just right to me.

Good parent - when they go to bed each night fairly clean, nicely full, warm, happy and loved.

Everything else is just showing off, frankly

Love your answer Psammead

Very reassuring

What Psammead said, except that I don't think everything else is just showing off, I think it's different styles. It can be easy to think you're not good at it because you do it differently from some in-your-face perfect parent. But it's not true.
We don't need to parent the same way as another good parent to be good at it ourselves. It can take ages to feel comfortable and confident in the style of parenting that works naturally for you, but as long as they are clean, dry, fed, safe and loved, you're good.

Sorry, the 'showing-off' bit was just flippant. I think it's important that a child has in some way been stimulated during their day, as you say racingheart - in whatever way suits your style, your pocket, or indeed your mood that day.

For us, that means some days where DD has 20 books read to her, some days meeting and playing with other children, some days of sitting by herself and working out how something works, some singing, whatever really. There is a ton of ways!

I think I'm a fab mother my kids probably think I'm crap

I don't think that turning out a well-behaved, high-achieving, loving child or a successful, warm, ethical adult is necessarily a sign of good parenting, unfortunately. I think I was (and I hope I am) all of those things, but that's in spite of my parents not because of them.

I also don't think that the child telling its parents that it loves them is a sure sign of good parenting. I can remember saying that many times in the hope that my parents would respond how I wanted them to.

I also don't think that worrying you're a bad parent makes you a good parent. Sometimes people worry about their parenting for good reason. Worrying isn't the same as doing something to change the situation.

I'm much less sure what makes a good parent than I am sure what doesn't, sorry! My DS is only tiny and I'm still just getting from day to day. I don't think playing lots is necessary or sufficient, as every one else has already pointed out. I like what Psammead said above about being warm, fed, happy and loved. I also think what someone else said about taking care of your own needs is very important - I don't see how one can really be a good parent long term without doing this.

I wish I had more idea how to tell if one is being a good enough parent. I hope I haven't put too much of a dampener on the thread :(

Of course you haven't JP - Lots of interesting stuff in your post !

As I said up thread it is nice when your DCs say you're the best Mum ever or along those lines - but they aren't very reliable witnesses to the fact !

I reckon I'm probably somewhere between the best and the worst - but I'm just guessing

BTW If you're looking out for the window of adulation my DS put stuff like that a few times in a card between ages of 5 and 7

Sounds lovely, Juggling! I can't wait! At the moment I have to make do with big trusting eyes looking at me like I'm the most interesting thing ever. Which is pretty great too :)

At a wedding recently, chatting to a clutch of mums, what really stood out was that each one of them felt guilty about working full time, or being around the kids all day, or working part time and all were worrying about whether they were being a good parent. Men don't suffer from this, and generally have the conviction that they are right. I refuse to feel guilty and I'm prepared to believe that if the kids still want their Mum when they're not well I'm probably doing ok.

Looks and smiles are lovely as well !
Perhaps some giggles soon, too ?

All this and half term just starting!!! My answer today would be totally different to that of the Sunday evening before school resumes. I agree, the fact that you question you are a good Mum shows that you are. When my children laugh, sing in their bedrooms, dance around the room, play imaginary games on their own, show me made up dance moves, ie display that they are happy, that's enough for me.

Also, the fact that they go to school with toothpaste on their jumper shows that they DO brush their teeth :o PLUS we are all on Mumsnet reading this..... we must be????

I try to give them my love and time,
In the hope that they will feel cherished and valued,
so they can brave the big bad world with confidence in themselves.

And try to give them the security
to always know that no matter what happens,
They can always come home :)

I try to remember this every day, because for me this is what matters to me.

To me good parenting is allowing your kids to make mistakes/ be themselves (which is maybe not your idea of wonderful) without taking it all personally and accepting them for who they are. (merrymarigold)

A good parent is a parent who doesn't just blindly do what everyone else is doing but thinks about what their children need. A good parent is also someone who has the ability to think "I am doing something wrong / not getting the outcome I want" and adapt. (onelittlefish)

I completely agree with the above....

My eldest ds is only 5 (also have 2/3 yrold and 1 yrold) and I am learning the top lesson all the time noiw he is at school and I think it is such an important one. When kids are younger it is easier to control everything and you have to start letting go... it's hard though!

I def agree with the bottom one too - I beleive strongly in doing what feels right to you as a parent even if it is agiainst the grain. #(eg we are very relaxed about sleeping in own beds and have always gone to all our kids in the night and never let any of them cry - this seems to be the antithesis of what most other people we know do but it feels right to us)

great thread!

For starters, caring about whether you are a good parent or not is a good sign that you are a good parent!

OP - sounds like you do some great creative activities with your DC. I really struggle with this as I don't have a creative bone in my body! On reflection though, we do creativity through music and cooking rather than arts & crafts.
I think it's important that they realise that people are different and we're not all expected to be good at doing everything (that's my excuse anyway!)

I have a 2.9yo DS and DC#2 due in May. For me, the most important thing is allowing him to be himself and having lots of fun but knowing what the boundaries are and why. There needs to be good reasons for the boundaries - not just because the parent wants to show they are in control!

From my own childhood experiences, I also think it is important for the parent not to be too over-protective (as an example, my bf took me sledging for the first time when I was 16yo!) and also for the parent to apologise if they've got something wrong.

Some very good replies here. They've all made me feel better. My children are clean, fed, happy, cuddle me, tell me they love me even when I sod off for a cigarette and coffee need some alone time.

I cannot fathom what i'm doing wrong when my DD1 is being a spoilt brat because she's not getting her own way(it's certainly not because i give in to her because i don't) and i feel particularly bad when i refuse to play 'house' i can play board games all day but 'house' drives me batty :(

My dd developed a bit of a fungal skin infection on her back recently which the doctor assured me would clear up in a few weeks with the right cream but I felt like I'd failed her in a massive neglectful way.
I gave her hungry baby milk a couple of months back thinking she'd thrive on it but it gave her hard poos and caused her pain :(
I now inspect every poo
I'd like to think that made me a fairly good mum ...

oooo poley - I've just spotted something - an eczema looking mark of sorts - on dd's back and was wondering if it's a fungal skin infection (nice) but unlike you done nothing about it - which makes you much less neglectful than me. Um, should I go to the GP then - is there specific cream GP prescribed? (yes, wins medal for neglect. etc)

Yes zumm, like you I didnt do anything about it thinking it was mild and she would grow out of it, til it got gradually worse. I was prescribed Clotrimazole cream for the fungal infection, Diprobase ointment for her eczema and a large bottle of Doublebase Gel to put on her pre-baths to stop the skin drying out too much. X