How do you know when you're a good parent?

[BiWinning]

I constantly feel inadequate. I try not to compare myself to other parents but I can't help it. I don't really play with my DC's. They're 3 and 14 months. I read to them, take them for walks, to nursery, to playgroup, to an indoor play gym, to the park when the weather is nicer than it is now, we do some light crafts (cut and stick, glitter, lollipop stick men etc) but it seems a great deal of time is spent talking to them and watching DVD's (Barney etc so semi-educational for a big purple dinosaur).

What makes someone a good parent? How do you know when you are one? Do you feel like one?

I just set the bar really low

oh and i did a course about teenager a while ago and the women said the parents that are here don't need to be but just think they do. The ones that really need to learn how to parent aren't here cos they don't think they need to be.

I find thinking that you are doing or have done ok comes.with time.Now at 7 and 5 they can makeme feel like we have done alright. Other times I just despair of where I went wrong realy...

Can I also add that I've just had a mum from school over for lunch. She said I am so glad that you moved here because since your ds2 started in my son's class he has been accepted by the other boys because your ds2 is friends with him and has made sure that my son is included in what's going on ... that one sentence has made moving home, moving country, moving away from the people and place that we love all worth while. Ds2 is a fabulous boy and hopefully it means we've done something right along the way.

These moments are few and far between but they are the glimpse that actually you're doing ok.

Hanahsaunt, your kids sound fab.
OP you sound like I did a few years ago. Your dc are still quite young and probably are still needing you practically a lot. It gets so much easier when they can get their own drink, wipe their own bottoms etc. But from what you said it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Worst thing is to compare. For all you know they may be comparing themselves to you. I always thought I did the shittest job until a mum I much admired asked me how I kept so calm. I always thought I was a complete shrieking witch.

I completely know where people are coming from when they say one thing is if everyone is alive at the end of the day - but this has come up before - and there's lots of brilliant parents who have sadly lost one of their children, or more than one. I have a friend who is a truly wonderful mother but has lost two of her three children in separate tragic accidents.

There but for the grace of God go we all.

I think one thing that makes you feel like you've done a good job is when your children tell you you have - but as we all know they're not always reliable !

I go with trying to get a belly laugh out of DD every day. And to laugh with her. If we're having fun and giggles I figure I'm doing OK.
She certainly likes me a lot but I wish I could get her to settle with other people!

If my child is fed, watered and not completely feral, then I'm doing OK and anything else is a bonus

I'm a good mum, because I worked closely with DD's teacher to turn her performance at school around. And it seems to have stuck. Woohoo for me.

Well done, midori Have a gold star ! In the nicest possible way

O.P. you sound like a good parent to me, you care enough to ask!! Maybe try not to be too self conscious about it just do what you feel like with them.

Our 3 are adults now and are hard working, reliable and loving. Our DS has become quite spiritual which we are not really. Even though our move away from them to France threw our eldest DD out of kilter a bit(she was 26 at the time!) We bought them up giving them independence with plenty of love and not expecting them to follow in our footsteps but oddly they have !!

If you are willing to accept help when you need it, and actively seek it when you are struggling, putting all ego aside, then you are probably a Good Parent.

Other than that my main aim is to have the kids filthy, exhausted and full of good food at the end of the day. Then they must have had a great day right?

I think it's a huge mistake to measure your parenting by how your kids are doing. I remembering feeling so proud of myself when I had a deliriously happy, and wonderfully engaging 2yr old that EVERYONE he came into contact with remarked on, "He's so adorable, he's gorgeous, he's the happiest boy on the planet." Now he's 6, struggling at school, struggling socially, I feel a bit left out with other parents and I feel like the worst parent on the planet! Luckily I have twins now as well and I can see that so much of them is their character and not my parenting (ds2 is a fast learner and totally charming, dd is hugely emotional, shy and slower at learning).

To me good parenting is allowing your kids to make mistakes/ be themselves (which is maybe not your idea of wonderful) without taking it all personally and accepting them for who they are. If you feel you are going an ok job, you address issues that come up with them, and there are still issues with them, these are just part of the way they are and you need to learn to accept.

A good parent is a parent who doesn't just blindly do what everyone else is doing but thinks about what their children need. A good parent is also someone who has the ability to think "I am doing something wrong / not getting the outcome I want" and adapt.

I am sure most people who think they are rubbish parents are actually quite good and those who think they are really good are actually not as good as they think they are.

Definitely agree with food, sleep, love.
I think giving your child confidence is a measure of a good parent. Praising them constantly and encouraging independence.
We constantly feel guilty, I have 2 babies now and I remember when my teens were babies I felt so guilty when I stayed in all day and stuck the telly on.they hardly remember anything about being that young anyway and are lovely teens!
I'm definitely more confident this time around knowing that I've managed to bring up the first ones without ASBO's (although they are only 13 and 15 so there's time yet!)

JugglingWithSnowballs

I know because I have been told by lots of people other parents and teachers etc what lovely children they are and that they're a pleasure to have around. They are actually rather lovely but OP FWIW I ignore them a lot and am not the playing with kind of mum. I tell them I love them all the time I make sure they're well dressed and well fed and I encourage them to entertain themselves and rely on each other for company. I don't want to sound smug because I am well aware that with parenting things can go tits up anytime. I would also say it's true that a happy mum helps to have happy children.

Op you sound like your doing a very good job and that fact that you are worrying speaks volumes

I had this conversation with my mother the other day. She said that she never felt like a good parent till we had children of our own - seeing happy, confident grandchildren makes her feel like she must have been doing something right all along even though most of the time she felt like a failure.

It never felt to us that she was a failure...

Anyway, OP, you're probably playing with them a lot more than you think you are. I take DD (2.5) to the park/playground and we do silly walks, hiding behind trees, pretending to be kicked and fall over when pushing her on the swing and all that kind of stuff - it's all playing even if it's called "walking to the park" or "time at the playground". If I find a funny-shaped potato or something whilst preparing the meal, I'll stick googly eyes or wool hair from the craft box on it and leave it on the table for DD to find and giggle over. I pretend to drink endless cups of tea and am forced to eat several 'cakes' a day. That's play, too. I'm not so good at sitting down on the floor and 'playing' with Duplo or Happyland - I get irrationally upset when she nicks my building blocks or pushes the tower over, or plonks herself in the middle of my carefully arranged town scattering the people under the sofa . Know your own strengths, I say. Not that I think I'm a particularly good parent, but as others have said, I know what a bad parent is and on the whole I don't think I'm bad - though we all have our moments!

You sound like your doing a better job than anyone I know so you can't be that bad

I like to think worrying about not being a good enough parent is a sign of good parenting.

I have a teenager and a toddler I will say no one is a perfect parent all the time. We are sometimes good, sometimes great and sometimes probably "can be better". This is a job for life and you get better as you go along. Just like life, there is no such thing as a perfect life, we so long as you love your kids and are willing to learn about their world.

Just like life, you have good days and bad days....same as parenting. You learn from your mistakes. You learn with your children. I'll say sometimes my kids love me and tell me how much they love me and there are challenging times even though I know I am a good parent my teenager will still occasionally say to me (when she is hormonal haha) that she hates me and argues with me and breaks my heart but it won't be long before we make up because she knows I love her unconditionally.....but also come to understand not everything my children do is a reflection of me. They are their own person. I have influence over their upbringing but I am not there to control all their behaviours and be responsible for all their development. So now I relax and enjoy my kids and take everyday as it comes and don't worry whether I am a good parent or not. I know I am because I love them and will always be there for them. I will try my best to accept them even when I don't understand their decisions. I agree with most of the comments here that most of us are good parents. OP the fact that you ask this question already shows you are a good parent!!