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Original poster

Is 5 too young to go to a funeral?

73 replies

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 07/02/2012 20:47

A very close relative on DH's side recently died. SiL is struggling to explain it all to her 2 DC, 5 & almost 4, without them starting to get upset.
She is in fact thinking of not taking them to the funeral so they don't have to know the truth, that the person has in fact already died.

I do sympathise with her difficult situation, but isn't she going to have to deal with it soon anyway? The DC will notice their relative is not at their house anymore...Are they still too young though to fully deal with the emotions of death of a close relative?

OP posts:
MollieO · 07/02/2012 20:49

Far too young imo.

maddiemostmerry · 07/02/2012 20:54

My dc went to my Dad's funeral. I think it's a very personal decision though.
The funeral was a celebration of my dad's life and a chance for us all to say goodbye. There were tears but we faced them together.

On the other hand at another family funeral, the grand daughter aged six wasn't even told that her grandad had died. Her family were hoping that she would just forget her grandad. That just wouldn't feel right to me.

How do the rest of the family feel?

Notinmykitchen · 07/02/2012 20:54

I am sorry to hear that. I don't see how she can hide the fact that a family member has died from them though. I would take children that age to a funeral. Yes, they will be upset, but that is a normal reaction, and something they have to go through unfortunately. I would imagine it would be far more upsetting for them to be lied to, and have the truth hidden from them. Children are not daft, they will know something is up.

Likesshinythings · 07/02/2012 20:55

My DS was nearly 3 when my grandmother died last year. We did take him to the funeral and tried our best to explain it all to him and I think it was the right thing to do. We got a few story books to help with the explaining - best one was called "Badger's Parting Gift".
I feel really strongly that children need to be involved with the family's grieving process. I was 7 when my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, everyone acted like nothing had happened etc and I felt very excluded and it still bothers me a bit.

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 20:56

I dont think its too young at all

but it is personal choice completely and she cant be led by anyone else, she will ultimately do what she feels

and I know I'm biased as I took my girls, 9,4 and 2 to their dads funeral
but I also know noone could have stopped me no matter what they said

madaboutmadmen · 07/02/2012 20:58

i was 9 when my grandfather died and my parents didn't take me to the funeral, thought I was too young obviously. I just accepted it to be honest, I knew what had happened but didn't have string feelings about attending even though I had been very close to him. Perhaps if there is something afterwards in somebody's house that would be suitable but maybe not the actual funeral bit?

azazello · 07/02/2012 20:59

I would take them. My sister died when I was just 4 and I clearly remember going to her funeral. Over 30 years later, It still matters that I went. It also meant that my brother and I knew, however imperfectly, that something had happened and everyone was upset. It can be important for even small children to say goodbye as well as for adults.

befuzzled · 07/02/2012 21:02

I think it depends on the type of funeral. A parent, sadly, I think has to be a consideration. Other than that, I would probably only take them to a certain type of funeral eg we too my 7, 4 and 1y old to my grandmothers funeral last year (church service only, not crematorium) because she has died, not unexpectedly, at 95, a couple of days after a stroke in her sleep. I felt this was a "good" if that word can be used first funeral to take them too as it was a natural order" of things tye of funeral, nobody was terribly upset and the service was quite upbeat. I don't think I would take them to a more "died before time" tragic funeral unless was immediate family maybe.

TBh I think it all went above the 4y olds head a bit. Was definitely useful for the 7y old though I think - beginning to understand about these kinds of things.

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 21:06

I think I wholeheartedly agree with befuzzled

I had no choice in my mind, it was their dad, it was a horrific accident and a terrible shock

and I didn't want them to grow up thinking why wasn't I allowed to go

I'll never forget holding on to the back of dd2s (4 at the time) jacket whilst she leant over and threw her homemade telescope in to her daddys grave (she made it for him so he could see her from the stars Sad)

if the person live s with the children it also may help them to understand the loss
I dont think they are too young to deal with death imo

but equally I was never going to change my mind about my girls coming and she may feel just as strongly the other way

chibi · 07/02/2012 21:06

It is so personal, isn't it

My Mil has died recently, and while we told our children (4 and 2), they did not come to the funeral

a part of that is that funerals in our religion are v ritualised and symbolic, and children that young would be unlikely to appreciate it

They do know we are sad,and we did and do talk about her however

fbnomore · 07/02/2012 21:08

death is a part of life. I think if you are introduced to this concept early on, then it makes accepting it easier. If its all hidden from you in case you get upset, then it will come as a massive massive shock when someone close to you dies.

theres a lot of personal stuff i could share, but wont, coz this is all public. But i will say that had i had the oppurtunity to attend the funerals of various people from my extended family durnig my almost forty years of living, then my fathers funeral would have been a lot lot lot lot easier.

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 21:10

hugs fbnomore, peoples saying this is making me feel even more comfortable with my decision
I did get quite a lot of negativity about talking the younger two

which would have been even worse than noone of them going if they thought their sister went but they didn't

fbnomore · 07/02/2012 21:11

chibi, that leaves them open to having to attend a ritualised formal funeral of a person they love very much, without knowing what to expect next. Im sorry for you loss, but as the child who has had to do that as a grown up, I can tell you that it did me no favours.

fbnomore · 07/02/2012 21:13

thank you trinity. im going to bow out of this discussion nowor i will get no work done this evening.. Your description of your daughters courageous act has me in tears. I wish i'd had the courage to do something like that.

EnjoyResponsibly · 07/02/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 21:17

I never mentioned a thing to her about it

they had been told that daddy was now in the stars (after the horrific serious talk about what actually had happened) and she knew I would be throwing a yellow rose in for him to remember me by

but she was only 4 and the night before the funeral I found her under the kitchen table working really hard on 'daddys tellscope, hes having it with him so he can see me from the stars'

no way on earth I wouldn't have let her do itSad and proud of my little girl

EnjoyResponsibly · 07/02/2012 21:18

Sorry Trinity I didn't read your thread and my comment was general not specific to your awful situation. I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my opologies.

chibi · 07/02/2012 21:20

I am confused as to what you mean

2 and 4 are very young to appreciate what funerals entail in our faith; they are not a matter of people standing around saying 'well x had a good innings/gosh it is sad/let's remember the good times'

had they been 4 and 6, or even 3 and 5, it might have been different

but it sure is comforting to know, that in addition to the grief we all feel at her death, we have fucked up our kids by not taking them to something inexplicable that lasted well over an hour Sad

DorothyGherkins · 07/02/2012 21:22

My DD1 then aged 8 was given the choice about attending the funeral when her grandfather died. I explained beforehand what would happen, and she said she would like to come with to the church for the service, but didnt want to be present in the graveyard when the coffin was lowered into the ground. (She went and sat in the car with her dad at that part.) Twenty years on, she said she had no regrets about her choice, she just remembers feeling very sad at the time, but in retrospect, she was glad she able to come. For me it was lovely to have her by my side on a very sad family occasion. She has been to a few funerals as an adult, and I think her early experience helped her to cope with them.

Ragwort · 07/02/2012 21:24

I agree that children should be taken to funerals - I am sure it is a particularly 'British' thing to be so uptight about death and funerals. Aren't many other cultures a lot more 'relaxed' about what is an inevitable part of life? My DH was 10 when his DF died and he and his younger sister were not allowed to go to the funeral (had to go to school instead Sad) - he still finds it incredibly hard to deal with and felt that he was not allowed to 'say goodbye' or mourn properly.

MollieO · 07/02/2012 21:24

I think it is completely different if it is the funeral of a parent, of course the children should be there. However whether in other circumstances very young children should attend a funeral is difficult to call.

Ds's great uncle died recently. Ds had come with me to visit him in hospital and wanted to come to the funeral. He is 7. I said no. It was the absolute right decision. There were no children at the funeral (we hadn't discussed it) and my cousins were very very upset at the death of their father. It was harrowing and there is no way I would have wanted ds to have to deal with that level of emotional upset at a young age.

AnaisB · 07/02/2012 21:28

I was three when my grandfather died and still wish I had gone to his funeral. I felt grief at his death and it was made worse by feeling that it was something adult that I shouldn't talk about or be involved in. I do appreciate though, that the way death is discussed should vary depending on the child.

I also wouldn't attempt to explain death to a child in a way that didn't upset them because grief is the most natural and appropriate reaction.

mummytime · 07/02/2012 21:31

I've always taken my kids to family funerals, the youngest was 18 months at a great uncles. But I alway ensured my kids would behave.
But I have never been to a harrowing funeral, some pretty hypocritical ones, but never one that was harrowing. I don't think my DH would even quite use that word about his mother's and he was 7 then, so it was very very sad.
I would never lie to my kids, but that is one of my basic beliefs (doesn't mean I tell them everything).

nailak · 07/02/2012 21:37

My brother died when I was four and over twenty 4 years later I still remember not being allowed to go to the funeral. I used to talk to him often when I was young, pretend he was looking out for me and stuff. I wasn't too young.

DorothyGherkins · 07/02/2012 21:38

My mother didnt want to attend my fathers funeral - she had been brought up in a family where funerals were for the men to attend. Us (grown up) children were trying to persuade her she ought to be there. The vicar in attendance was talking to all of us about her dilemma. I remember the words he said very clearly, and you can apply them to all sorts of situations. 'You can regret not going. But you rarely regret going.' If you see what I mean.