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Original poster

Is 5 too young to go to a funeral?

73 replies

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 07/02/2012 20:47

A very close relative on DH's side recently died. SiL is struggling to explain it all to her 2 DC, 5 & almost 4, without them starting to get upset.
She is in fact thinking of not taking them to the funeral so they don't have to know the truth, that the person has in fact already died.

I do sympathise with her difficult situation, but isn't she going to have to deal with it soon anyway? The DC will notice their relative is not at their house anymore...Are they still too young though to fully deal with the emotions of death of a close relative?

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 07/02/2012 21:39

Thanks for the replies. I agree with the posters who say that death shouldn't be something that's hidden from children, as a natural albeit difficult part of life.
To clarify, the deceased is the DC's grandparent: they used to see the person almost every day as they live very close.

I would understand the not taking them to the funeral bit more if the DC had actually been told what had happened, but it seems unfair on them somehow that they don't even know their GP has died Sad How are they meant to deal with how they feel otherwise? Genuine question btw.

OP posts:
MollieO · 07/02/2012 21:40

I'd never been to a funeral where the entire congregation were sobbing Sad and unfortunately I've been to a number of funerals.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 21:42

not too young at all, at that age they can imagine far worse than the reality so making it a taboo bad thing that only adults can handle is much scarier than the reality.

They will wonder all kinds of things about where their GP has gone, everything from they don't like them any more to.. gosh all kinds of things. Kinder to tell them the truth, death isn't the worst case scenario

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 07/02/2012 21:47

The GP had also been suffering for many years, so their death was not really out of the blue. They died peacefully at their home with immediate family around, so not even a harrowing death ( Sad that word)

I guess SiL doesn't want to distress her DC. I can't help wondering if they will regret it in future though Sad

OP posts:
An0therName · 07/02/2012 22:06

there is a certain age I think when going to the funeral will help - not sure if its 5 - depends on the child -and the funeral as above - but she need to tell them the GP has died - 4 and 5 is not to young to deal with death

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 07/02/2012 22:17

As a pp mentioned, I wonder if an age-appropriate book would help her explain it in a gentle way? Any recommendations?

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 07/02/2012 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 22:35

Enjoyrresppnsibly, I have no idea what you posted that you asked to have removed. I posted and then turned the pooter off to do other things. I must say I'm extremely interested to hear what you said that has now made you feel the need to apologise. I'm all seriousness, I'm extremely curious. I'm not a shouty, aggressive person. I won't hold it against you Grin. If we all had the same opinions, life would be boring. Also I'm well aware this is a public forum and I'm happy to share and therefore invite all sorts of views.

G'wan tell me what you said, you can pm me GrinGrinGrin

TrinityRhino · 07/02/2012 22:36

If its a grandparent they see every day I dearly hope she will take them. It will help them

MissCoffeeNWine · 07/02/2012 22:46

DD is 5 and has been to three funerals. She has understood a lot and has always been very respectful.

mummytime · 07/02/2012 22:51

We have used Goodbye Mog, but it is a real tear jerker.

DumSpiroSpero · 07/02/2012 22:57

DD was 3.4 when her great nan died and went to her funeral. She was fine - we bought a book called 'Waterbugs and Dragonflies' to help explain death to her and were fortunate to not really have any issues.

Since then her other great grandparents have also died and she didn't attend either funeral. She hadn't seen great gran for years as she suffered from demetia so barely knew/remembered her. MIL was concerned that she would be extremely upset at her dad's funeral and that it would be difficult for DD to cope with, so asked that she didn't come.

There are a lot of factors which will be different for everyone, but I think honestly and simplicity are the best ways to approach it, even if the children don't attend the funeral.

FWIW I lost my gran's within a year when I was 6/7 and was not allowed to attend either funeral, and I've always wished I had been able to say goodbye to them 'properly'.

imogengladheart · 07/02/2012 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UniS · 08/02/2012 11:03

5 is not nesseserily too young. depends on the family, the funereal plans and the parents. Children will ask LOTS of questions, again and again, until they understand what has happened. A young child may deal with the death "emotionally" in a very different way to an adult.

DS lost 3 great grans while he was in Year R. He is now very matter of fact about people getting old, their bodies breaking down and not being repairable and then the die and are not a alive anymore.

funeral one- DS had some memories of this GG but had not spent much time with her. DH was reading a eulogy, DS was full of questions and rather loud, so I took him and baby cousin to the park during the service and we joined the rest of the family ( including several other small children) for the funeral tea.

Funeral 2- DS had no memories of this GG, very small funeral and a pub lunch after. DS did not come to this funeral at all. No children present.

Funeral 3- The GG DS had most recent memories of, he knew she was ill and had seen her in a demented state. LARGE formal funereal, I had a reading to do. DH and DS did not attend, followed by a family lunch and then an even larger more informal memorial service , tea and cake. Both of which DH and DS did attend .

In each case we had to decide what was right for DS AND the parent who had funeral duties to preform.

OnlyWantsOne · 08/02/2012 11:04

yes 5 is FAR too young

she should get a book - it will help the kids understand

TrinityRhino · 08/02/2012 11:17

FAR too young?

why exactly?

OnlyWantsOne · 08/02/2012 11:36

because if the mum cant even explain it to the children without breaking down, how is she going to hold it together for her kids at a funeral?

TrinityRhino · 08/02/2012 11:38

well I broke down telling them and I broke down at the funeral

I had very amazing close friends that my children loved willing to go and be their to help me hold them together iyswim

nothing wrong with children seeing the rawness of emotion or the reality of death

they just need to be helped to work through it and deal with their emotions

TrinityRhino · 08/02/2012 11:40

I dont want to argue with anyone

its personal choice and everyone has their own views

sorry

wigglesrock · 08/02/2012 11:42

I've taken mine at that age and have been to a couple myself when I was 7 years of age. To be honest it wouldn't really occur not to take them. I have a 6,4 year old and baby, the older ones know that people die and they get burried, they also know that people cry when loved ones die.

Although my elder ones are used to mass etc so the whole funeral service isn't completely alien to them.

EdithWeston · 08/02/2012 11:44

I don't think there's any right or wrong age for attending a funeral - there are so many variables about a specific event (duration, expressed wishes if deceased, wishes of chief mourners, venue, ability to remain quietish and/or ability to remove, style of service, likely level of visible grief and its impact, etc etc). Only the parents can decide.

But in OP, it seems to say that the DCs have not even been told about the death. Now, I can see that you'd want to pick you moment and prepare the approach, but they should be told. It is a bit worrying to me that they seem to be trying to avoid this.

OnlyWantsOne · 08/02/2012 11:45

im sorry too trinity - i suppose all kids react completely differently

my 5 year old still sobs over our dead cat

piprabbit · 08/02/2012 11:52

I think that the choice is very personal. There is no particular age limit for attending a funeral, but it does depend a lot on the child's personality and the attitude of the wider family.

Will there be somebody at the funeral able to emotional support the children? Take them outside if necessary etc. Their mother may be struggling emotionally herself, without trying to support her children. She may regret missing the funeral herself if she has to leave early with the children.

Are the children able to follow instructions and social conventions, are they likely to inadvertently misbehave (laugh, dance, be silly) and would that behaviour upset the other mourners?

Whether they go to the funeral, just attend the wake (which is usually less formal, a time for sharing memories and so on) or whether they are kept well out of the way, they really do need to know that their GP has died.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 08/02/2012 11:56

If the DC don't go to the funeral (very likely) they would be looked after by another relative, not SiL.

It's the fact they haven't been told which makes me Sad rather than them missing the funeral IYSWIM

OP posts:
SoloSewsSeedsOfLoveInPatchwork · 08/02/2012 12:00

My Dd went to my Dads funeral and was 20 months at the time. She is 5 now and IMO not too young to go to close funerals. I think it's important to understand life and death and lying to children, concealing this fact of life is unhealthy.

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