Is 5 too young to go to a funeral?

[BobbysBeardOfWonder]

A very close relative on DH's side recently died. SiL is struggling to explain it all to her 2 DC, 5 & almost 4, without them starting to get upset.
She is in fact thinking of not taking them to the funeral so they don't have to know the truth, that the person has in fact already died.

I do sympathise with her difficult situation, but isn't she going to have to deal with it soon anyway? The DC will notice their relative is not at their house anymore...Are they still too young though to fully deal with the emotions of death of a close relative?

i agree it is really personal but i think that dcs always know something is going on and that by trying to hide it the problem does not go away it just the dealing with it is delayed. my mil reacently died and my 4 year old dc attended the funeral, he was prepared that people would be crying and upset, told about the coffin and what would happen, he didn't really understand but i think it helped him later especially since dh was obviously unhappy for a long time. does depend on the situation, also my 6 month old dd attended and so he wasn't the only one, tbf mil did die after a long illness and so there was a celebtrating life feel about the funeral.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

We took DD (5) and DS (1) to their grandmother's funeral - DS because we had no childcare for the whole day, but DD because she loved her gran and we thought it was the right thing for her. Also, having children at the wake was lovely and life affirming.

But we didn't take them to the crematorium bit, just the memorial church service (DH's family do the crematorium first, service after). This was mainly because I wanted to be childfree to support DH (it was his mother's funeral) and to mourn MIL myself.

On books, after MIL died, FIL found this in her things (she'd taken me aside a few years beforehand, to explain she had it 'for when the time came'; so thoughtful): Old Pig

Warning - it may make you sob (it still does me).

DD dealt with the funeral rather pragmatically. She's quite interested in death, as DH's sister died just before she was born and we've always talked about her, DD has her middle name etc.

Paper yes, ours was a life celebration too.

My dad died when I was 6 and I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral. It would have been very confusing for me. I didnt understand what death was about at all and seeing my siblings/mother so upset would have been too much for me to handle. It probably depends on the child and how they have been educated about death. It was 1969 when dad died and maybe children are more worldy now.
If it happened now I still wouldnt want a child to attend a funeral. There is so much grief to come later in life, so I wouldnt want a child to experience it all at such a young age.

Sorry to hear about your dad candytuft. But the grief is really at losing someone close to you, not about the funeral itself, isn't it?

I'm puzzling over what the OP's SIL will tell her kids. Whether they go to the funeral or not, she has to tell them something.

I agree AllPastYears, I suppose that I feel that funerals are just a grown-up thing and not for children. In those days, children didnt go to funerals, well not in our village.

As so many have said, it is a very personal thing and largely dependent on the relationship. When my father died 18 months ago, we decided not to take the DDs (DD1 was not quite 3, DD2 was just a few months old). However, when DH died 9 months later it was never an option - like Trinity, my children were always going to go to their Daddy's funeral. DD1 was 3.8 and DD2 had just turned 1. They behaved impeccably, and DD1 still talks about it. She also talks about the two of us throwing a flower into his grave when we had his ashes interred a couple of months later.

I know DD2 will not have any memory of it, but through us, at least she will know that she was there.

There are two issues in the OP really. The main one is your SIL thinking about not telling the children. You say it was a close family member so maybe your SIL is so absorbed in her own grief that she feels she can't handle any more.

There are many, many books and organisations that can help with child grief. Those ages are hard, being neither too young to not understand at all, but not old enough to have it fully explained and to have all their questions answered. I do think that 4 and 5 year old children are well able to understand death though and being upset about it is normal and healthy. They are old enough to remember and although they may not fully understand it all, they will be better able to accept it once they are older and can think back to this time.

SiL did try to tell her DC what had happened, but the 5 yo apparently started getting so upset that she changed tack and said GP 'might not come back again' (from hospital I presume she meant). She is obviously not wanting to upset her DC, but they will have to know soon won't they?
I'm slightly baffled that she expected anything other than tears tbh - a much-loved GP dying would surely cause a child to be upset? Maybe it was too soon for SiL to try though, she no doubt was still struggling with the situation herself

I took my then 10 month old to my Mother's funeral and it brings me great comfort to know that I'll be able to tell him he was there when we talk about his Nanny. I hope that he will be able to create his own image in his mind of her when he's older and that this will be helped by knowing he was very much included with the whole family.

Everyone's different though.

For me, the most poignant messages here are from those posters who many years later are still upset that as children they didn't go to funerals of their loved ones. In this and previous similar threads, we rarely see comments from people who went to funerals as young children and subsequently wish they hadn't. (I'm sure there are some, of course.)

I went to my grandfather's funeral when I was three, and still proudly have the newspaper cutting listing me as one of the mourners.

My mother persuaded me from going to the funeral of my grandmother when I was 11. I was scared of going, and took the easy way out by not arguing with her. I have regretted it ever since and I can still be moved to tears by my guilt at not being there.

And I am in tears now at the thought of TrinityRhino's daughter giving her father a telescope to see her. Thank you for sharing that sad but beautiful image.

As others have said its really a personal thing.

When my Dad dies my youngest was 3 - I decided not to take him more for my benefit to give me some time to say goodbye.

When his other granddad died he was 4 and went to the service. DP wanted him there. I wasnt sure. They had an open coffin (their custom) but it was fine and my son said goodbye, behaved very well, and met some relatives that he would not have done otherwise.

my mums dad died when she was 4. she always says about how 'she wasnt allowed to go' and I still dont think she has closure and still grieves , its really sad and she wishes she had gone. I know my mum is an extreme case but as long as there is nothing extreme/ at the funural, it can only teach them about life :) It is a personal thing though, each child is different and will deal with it differently.
sorry for your loss OP

My DS went to a close relative's funeral when he was about 4. He had no real idea what it was about and cannot remember it today so you could argue that it wasn't worth taking him. However, he went because I had no other choice but to take him and was told, after the event, that his cheery face and youthful antics (wanting to sit next to Grandad as the service started) made people smile and that his presence was seen positively.

I suppose it depends on your family and how they would view the potential behaviour of young children on such an occasion - my family were fine but others may not want that.

Not much help I suppose but just wanted to say that young children at a funeral may not be the negative it might appear to be at first.

The only funeral I wasnt allowed to attend was my cousins when I was 8. He'd been murdered. But we were taken to see his grave the day after.

My own two recently attended my Grandmothers. They are 5 and 2. The 5 year old had strong opinions on wanting to say goodbye to his Granma.

My Grandma died when I was 10 and the youngest grandchild 5. We all went to the funeral and someone (my memory is fuzzy as to who) read out our memories of her. But it was an expected death, and the adults around were reacting calmly.

Children are part of the family, and if they are old enough to remember the person and to behave well then they should be at the funeral. Shocking that they haven't been told yet though. Could you give your SIL a copy of Badgers Parting Gifts (or similar) to read through with her children?

I was taken to the funeral of a distant relative who died suddenly as a result of an accident when I was 4. The service was held in a house, open coffin with linen blinds drawn. Adults very upset. It was very traumatic and I still cannot stay in a room that has linen blinds with sunlight coming through them, of even if there are curtains which give the same sort of quality of light. In my view 5 is too young - though going to the family gathering afterwards would be fine.

We took our (then) one year old to her Grandmother's (my MiL) funeral. It felt the right thing to do. My parents sat at the back with her in case she started getting upset or hungry but she was fine. At the wake afterwards everyone said how lovely it was to have a young child there, serving as a reminder that life still has it's joys and the circle of life was continuing on.

I don't believe in shielding children from life's harsh realities, though it can be difficult to put things into terms that they can understand. I will have a look for that book "Badger's Parting Gift" - thanks to those posters who've suggested it.

My partner lost his aunt to cancer last summer. We were on holiday and he flew back for the funeral.

I would not have wanted our son who would have been 4.5 at time to go. It was a very sad day and very emotional. However he did know she had been very poorly, had visited her in hospice and we said that she couldn't be made better and had gone to sleep and wouldn't wake up. We said she had a special bed in the ground and he had noticed mole hills in cemetary behind us and said that she would be ok as the moles would be looking after her.

For us, that was all he needed to know and now 6 months on and him being that bit older we can say that she died and he understands that.

Everybody's circumstances are different but think OP the children should know as GP was part of their life....

DD was 13 months when my grandad died. She was his first great-grandchild. I wasn't going to miss the funeral, and I didn't want my DH to miss it either as he and my grandad had had a relationship of their own and DH wanted to say goodbye, too. Not to mention that my mum was attending for her FIL and MIL, knowing my dad would be there, they were separated at the time.
So I checked with my nana and she was absolutely fine with DD going. I sat right at the back and kept DD occupied with books and still got to say goodbye to my grandad. Afterwards the vicar mentioned how much he liked doing services when he could hear babies murmuring and chattering; life going on and finding joy in dark times etc. It was also lovely for my nana to see DD afterwards.

I don't think children are ever too young to attend funerals, even if they have no idea what's going on as in my DDs case. My other grandad died when my cousins daughter was only 5 months old and she went. And when my great-gran died my cousin was I think about 8 months old. It seems to be the norm in my family.

MMmmm...well my cousins and I still talk about our grandads funeral we were both 8 I think (old now 39..) my Dad died last year suddenly and my nieces nephews, great nephew age 2 and our new baby were all there..and some young cousins too 5 & 8 if I remember rightly...through the misty haze...cant see keyboard now...anyway everyone said how nice it was to have the children there and how happy it makes everyone feel its a goo distraction and if you have a large family its a time to meet, reminisce and for the kids to get together and remember probably getting up to mischief for years to come.

Have taken my dc to several funerals. When my grandad died all of his great grandchildren attended, aged 6, 4, 2 and newborn. The two year old made a small amount of noise but not much.

Death is part of life and I wanted them to see that as well as the fact that it is OK to get upset and mourn someone, then begin to get over it and reminisce about the good times at the wake.

I don't think it is too young to learn about death.

A lot depends on whether the child can sit still for 45 minutes.

I grew up being protected from death. I wasn't allowed to go to both my grandfathers' funerals when I was 15 (they died in the same easter holidays).

OTOH, my DH's family has children of all ages at funerals. They even have open casket wakes, with children playing tag or hide & seek in the same room as the body.

My children went to my mother's funeral last year and they were absolutely fine. For them, it was pretty much another church service. They are used to church and doing the bored, but well-behaved, look. They were brilliant at the reception - very sociable with relatives they had never met before.

A funeral doesn't have to be sad, at least not for the whole day. We all laughed so much in the 24 hours or so that we were with family. It was really just the committal that was sad.