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Original poster

Is 2 children twice as hard as 1?

100 replies

Hayls · 20/01/2006 17:25

I think this has been done before but I can't find it. At the moment we have 2 yo dd and still find it really hard work- still tiring and stressful but obviously worth it. We would love to have another but I'm pretty scared that it would be even harder and we would be unable to cope. TBH, the first year put our relationship through huge strain because we were so tired and stressed (dd was still waking 4 or 5 times a night at 12months) but we are as strong and happy as ever now and I don't want to risk it happening again At the same time I can't wait to get to this stage with baby no.2 as it's brilliant! I don't want to have a huge age gap and time is getting on...
Any advice/experiences much appreciated

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Filyjonk · 20/01/2006 18:06

I think it depends on the kids. Also-they go through stages of being harder, easier etc. Right now, the 2 kids are probably 1 1/2 times harder than 1 (dd 6 mo, ds 2.4). They play together, and I am more ruthless about mummy time (eg now should probably be "stimulating" dd while ds is off swimming, but really can't be ar$ed so she is enjoying free play).

After dd was born, I would have said 3x as hard. Ds did not especially like dd, and plus he was at a really difficult, negative stage. Dd refused to go in the car, so we were quite limited in where we could go. It was bad.

But I would actually say that 2 kids are more than 2x the fun! Cos they play together, and thats lovely to watch. Also I am so much more relaxed, with both kids-I don't see every foible of theirs as my doing, cos they are so different.

One word of warning though-double buggies are VILE. And suprising expensive for something so ugly.

(both of them are repeated night wakers too btw-it is horrible. However, I have found it easier with dd-not sure why, think maybe I just know what to expect.)

onefootinthegravy · 20/01/2006 18:10

Yes it does, I think if I do it at all it'll be in the next year, Jas will be at school next year, so I'll be all day with just one to look out for, I dont think I could have coped with 2 in nappies. big respect to mums who do!!

Original poster

Hayls · 20/01/2006 18:42

I just don't know what to think. We have actually decided to start ttc as of earlier this month but I'm now getting cold feet after spending this long talking dh round. I think it's now that realisation has sunk in. It's so awful when dd is ill (or in fact any of us) I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I had 2 to look after.
Is there a emoticon?

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onefootinthegravy · 20/01/2006 19:08

Hayls, if you're getting cold feet, why not wait awile, after all you have got time on your side?
Filyjonk - I won't have to cope with that, if I do get round to it my dd with be old enough to walk so thats a bonus!

LIZS · 20/01/2006 19:10

hayls, you've probably already coped with one being ill and you'll cope with two - you just have to get on with it ! Fortunately the times both my two have been unwell at the same time have been few. yes thre is added responsibility and it can be tiring. However second time around you fret less about details, such as the contents of the baby bag, don't take all morning to get ready go out, fuss about making sure outfits coordinate etc, because you are focussed on the bigger picture and logistics. The happy companionship of ours (most of the time) makes it worthwhile and ours are now of an age (4 and 7) when things are easier.

foxinsocks · 20/01/2006 19:15

well I think if you are still finding it hard, tiring and stressful then you might as well wait until you are ready - unless you haven't got age on your side, there's no point hurrying it unless you really want to.

Original poster

Hayls · 20/01/2006 19:19

I have got age on my side (I'm nearly 27)and although it is tiring and stressful I also find it rewarding, enjoyable and fulfilling. I do feel ready in most ways and I feel that if I actually was pg the decision would be taken out of my hands and I would just deal with it (and be chuffed!) I think the thought of planning it is freaking me out a bit tbh.
Is it just natural pre-baby anxiety?

Sorry, I make NO sense!!

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 20/01/2006 19:22

best to stop thinking about it, stop contraception, enjoy lots of rampant sex and see what happens then!

There's no perfect time to have a second so if you're almost convinced, you might as well have fun trying

bosscat · 20/01/2006 19:29

yes I think it is twice as hard but I'm hoping they will start playing with each other soon which would help a lot.

Tortington · 20/01/2006 20:08

if you think you will find it hard i would wait until the kid you have is at least 5.

i have no idea why people want more than one

Aloha · 20/01/2006 20:12

Hayls, re upsetting your dd's little world - I think nearly everyone feels like that, I certainly did. But ds adores dd, I mean, really adores her. The other day he was eating his Organix crispy things and sharing them with dd so sweetly, then he looked in the bag an said, 'there's only one left' so I said, 'Oh, that's Ok, you can have it' and he looked really shocked, bit it in half and gave half to dd (I feel tearful writing this ). He was really horrified about not sharing them with his sister. I am SO glad I had her, because she makes ds so happy (as well as me and dh).

Miaou · 20/01/2006 20:21

My instinctive answer to the question in the thread title is no, but everyone's experiences are different and given how hard you found the first year you might find it very hard, particularly if you have a baby and a circa 3 year old to deal with. I would second the advice to wait until your dd is a little older - she will need less from you and will have her own world (in the form of playgroup/nursery/school) independent of you so will not take it so hard as a younger one might.

NotAcow · 20/01/2006 20:22

sorry havnt read whole thread but my tuppenceworth from my experience: no.

my first 2 are very close in age tho; ds1 was 13 months old to the day when ds2 was born, so by the time ds2 was a week old, ds1 didnt even remember a time he wasnt there! i WAS terrified it would be twice as hard, and there ARE times when its manic, but on the whole, its easier, coz they have each other and dont need you 100% of the time.

have ds3 due any day now and am not afraid of how much harder it'll be. famous last words eh??

i say get on with it. if you want more and no big age gap, do like nike says and just do it. life is almost never as bad as we imagine it might be...

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 20:27

Dunno, really, because you can't quantify the work that one is/would be at this stage and double it, can you. It's more work, definitely. I quite like it, though, now.

NotAcow · 20/01/2006 20:27

and for the record, it sounds dead easy for me to say all that now, but ds2 wasnt planned to happen quite as quickly as all that but my mother, the MW, told me that if youre fully breastfeeding you cant get pg, bloody liar!! AND she now denies she said it!

still, wouldnt now change it for the world (big happy smile)

hornbag · 20/01/2006 20:27

We've got a 4 year gap between our two and to be honest its been a lot easier than I imagined. I had worried that DD had had us to herself for so long that she would resent having to "share" us but this hasn't been the case at all.

DD was old enough to understand what was going on, to help out, to be a bit independent, to be a proud big sister, to enjoy the praise bestowed upon her for being helpful etc.

However I think it all depends on so many factors such as the childrens/babies temperaments that you can't predict how easy/difficult its going to be.

JackieNo · 20/01/2006 20:34

Agree with Hornbag - we've got a 4 year gap too, and it seems to work very well. both for us and them. But TBH having DD was such a shock to the system (both for me and for DH) that I was still saying 'never again' until she was almost 3. It just suddenly seemed to get a bit easier, which allowed us to feel a bit more ready to go for it again.

nooka · 20/01/2006 22:34

This is a really interesting thread. We had a very easy first baby, and then accidentally got pregnant when he was 8mths old. So similar to Notacow, as ds adjusted really well (and I had just finished breastfeeding). But it was very hard being continuously pregnant / breastfeeding, and it took a huge toll on my marriage. Oh, and some second babies are much much harder than first babies! However once dd turned one it became hugely easier, and now looking at friends with much bigger gaps I am struck by how much easier my life is with two at pretty much the same stage. I would recommend not planning, as there is no such thing as the perfect time - or at least you can't plan for it - how can you tell how things will be in nine months time, after all.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 20/01/2006 23:00

sorry to say this but for me two - with a 2 year gap wasn't twice as hard - it was more like 3 times as hard. First 6 months were the hardest thing I have ever done. But i don't regret it. It's still hard work now (3 and 5) but dds are good friends - close enough to play together - give each other enormous kisses goodbye when dd1 goes into school, they share a room and on a good night chatter and sing togther in bed, dd1 sometimes gets breakfast for them both at the weekend. and on the whole I feel like part of a strong family unit. and wouldn't change it.

jenkel · 21/01/2006 00:02

We have an 18 month old age gap with our 2 dd's. To be far the first 6-8 months was very hard but it does get easier and it is great now 3 1/2 and 21 months. They play with the same things, are more or less interested in the same things which is great for days out etc. And seem to be growing very close to each other. At 18 months we didnt have any hint of jealousy with my 1st dd, something that friends with the same age 1st child are now experiencing.

It was good to get the nappy stage and the restless night stage out of the way more or less together. I think it can be just as hard if you have a bigger age gap and you personally are just getting a bit more freedom, to be honest I never really achieved that with an 18 month old so it wasnt something that I missed that much.

But all this very much depends on what your children are like and what you as adults are like . I love it to bits at the moment.

HappyMumof2 · 21/01/2006 08:00

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cathyspam · 21/01/2006 08:12

I have two boys aged 1 and 2.5 and i dont think it is twice as hard - you have learned a lot from number 1 - it is a bit more work and you have to be better organised, something which doesnt come naturally to me! There is only 17 months between my boys but they are already starting to play together and i am sure they will entertain each other as they get older. Only one thing though - can you handle more sleep deprivation? That is the one thing I have found difficult!

dottydaisy · 21/01/2006 09:04

You do it because you have too and you love them. My ds1 was a nightmare and never slept from the day he was born and to be quite honest with you i was a bit depressed when i found out i was pregnant again with ds2, however it made me get tough on my first son who was 18 months at the time. We did sleep training with him and got him out of nappies before the baby was here. When ds2 was born it was easy because babies are, but i didn't worry as much as i used to. He was in his own room by the time he was 3 months old and is as good as gold. i think it is true that you never get two the same and you put up with less from your second one because you fussed over your first and have lived with the consequences!
My boys are 1 and 3 now and fight constantly, i take no notice until one of them cries becuase otherwise the situation becomes too negative.
Now both of the boys sleep in their own rooms at night-and all night and I know for a fact that ds1 would still be in our bed if it wasn't for ds2's imminent arrival!!!! More work? Yes!!! More Fun? Definetly!!!! Go for it!

Original poster

Hayls · 21/01/2006 11:34

This has been very interesting, thank you. I had a chat with dh last night and he think sit will be twice the work but we can cope anyway. I suppose at least we half know what to expect second time round! I know we'll be fine, just ha a wobbly moment yesterday!
Now to get down to ttc...

Not right now obviously, I'm far too busy on MN

OP posts:

Hausfrau · 21/01/2006 13:16

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