Desperate, please help.

[littleposset]

This is my first post after lurking for the last couple of years.

I have a 16 month DS1 and 8 week old DS2 who I love with all my heart and soul. They are really good children. My DH works 12 hour days with an hours commute each side and sometimes nights/weekends. He is very helpful when he can be but isn?t around, no time off over Christmas even. Our nearest family is 300 miles away and we are new to the area so I don?t know anyone. We are miles from sure-start and there aren?t any toddler groups near by. Even the local library has stopped rhyme time till the new year.

The last week I haven?t been coping and I am at breaking point, the baby is taking 2 hours to feed and the toddler is teething. I?m shattered after all the sleepless nights and very lonely. When their both crying I feel like the worst mother in the whole world and I just can?t stand it. Looking after the two of them takes every waking moment and I never seem to have a day where I get to the end and think, yep, that went well. I?m crying almost as much as the DC and I?m worried that it?s damaging to them to have a mother who is such a wreck.

I?m pretty sure I don?t have PND because when DH is around its ok, having someone to talk makes all the difference.

I feel like I?ve totally lost myself and I just don?t know what to do to make things better.

Not sure why all my apostrophes have become question marks?

Oh, how hard that must be. You are NOT damaging your children, you are coping on your own with a newborn and toddler. You must be shattered.

I'd firstly try to get some support from your HV, even just as someone to talk to. And talk to friends and family, they can be a moral support even if they're not close. Also, maybe look for a mother's help? And try the local churches for toddler groups even if you're not religious, they can be good for meeting people.

Hang on there... It will get easier.

have you got a double buggy for them? when you feel like you're at breaking point i would just put them both in and get out the house even if you dont have any surestart or activities near you (that is such a shame you dont have them there :( ) but just go for a walk for a change of scenery or take toddler to outside playground even though it is cold, at least it breaks up the day a bit.

it is really hard if you dont have any friends or relatives in the area to give you a bit of company, if you're happy to meet up people from off the net you may be able to find some other mums on here or netmums so then atleast if you feel like getting out for a bit you have someone to text to go for a coffee or pop round or something like that. we have recently moved too and i found some localish friends from netmums, i know people on here love to slate nm but it is very good for the local side!

dont know what else to suggest op but you have my sympathies, everything always feels a lot worse when u are lonely. when my 1st 2 were those kind of ages (altho not as close as yours) i really relied on my childrens centres dunno what i would have done without them! is it worth going down to any surestart on the bus or anything, even if its far or have u not got any bus routes that go

I really would be looking into getting some external help even if just a babysitter a couple of times a week to take the burden while you get a couple of hours rest. You will all feel better for it.

i've been in a similar situation but not as cut off as you. is there really nothing at all for babies/toddlers nearby?! i was fairly rural for a while last year but the local church had a few groups on each week and i found a couple of local villages with toddler groups.

i'm pretty sure i don't/didn't have pnd either but reached a point where i kept saying to dh 'i can't cope, i can't do, i really really can't cope' and was having horrible thoughts of doing something to dh to make him unable to go to work.
i went to the gp a couple of times but because i'm not depressed she couldn't do anything, then when i went back saying it's worse now and i can't cope she said she could give me something for anxiety but then realised i couldn't because i'm still bf.

the only thing that will help you cope (in my experience having had 3 under 3's and trying everything) is a break and some time for yourself. the only reason i'm coping now is because dh has 2 weeks off work and i've been able to start excercising again now my baby is a bit older. i don't know how you could organise this but i can't see that there is any other way of coping. you can't do it all so you need someone else to give you a break or help.

i have a cleaner now to take a load off the housework and i thought about getting a nanny. i had a friend who had a great nanny when she had her 2nd baby and she said it was brilliant. the toddler loved her and she could focus on getting the baby sorted. just a few hours a week, £8 an hour.

Taking care of two little ones all on your own, all the time, is really difficult -- of course you are not a bad mum, you just need some help and company! That's a totally natural feeling.

Can your DH take some time off -- even a week, to get you back on track a bit?

Can any family or friends come visit?

Do you talk to them on skype? That really helps.

Can you put your older DC in a nursery a few days a week, or get a babysitter?

You may not have PND now but you really need to make some changes so that things don't get even worse. Is there anything your DH can do to step up? He may work long hours but surely family is more important in the end?

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this littleposset but you are doing a great job. Whenever I have a bad day (and trust me we have all sobbed along with our children as some point) I always think, well my job was to get to the end of this day with a healthy, well cared for child and I've done it, good for me!

However, I would suggest getting some sort of structure to your week because the days can seem endless if you're on your own lots and haven't got anything planned. Even if you do a rough plan on Sunday that says Monday, go for walk to such and such, Tues go to shop etc. It will help give you a bit more purpose to your week.

Also please keep looking for some sort of local support and groups, there must be something - is there a local church they often have baby/toddler groups or a local breastfeeding group (don't even worry if you're not breastfeeding they are more to meet people). I'm sure others will have some more ideas where you can find other mum's and people to help take away the feeling of isolation you have.

Take care and don't be so hard on yourself, being a mum is HARD.

Thank god for mumsnet. I'm crying buckets now, thank you all, I really appreciate your advice and support. I do have a double buggy and the three of us do get out most days. Today the weather is shocking so stuck inside and I don?t think that helps. There aught to be a medal that you only get when you survive bringing up children, and all the bloody books lie.

turtles you have my up most respect for 3 under 3.

Feeling a bit better now, I will do some of these things, its always good to have a plan.

Firstly accept that having a baby and a toddler with only a 14 month age gap is hard work.

I had a 15 month age gap between my two oldest and know where you're coming from. I don't think you have PND I just think you're very tired and need a rest from it all. You need to remember that you were going through a pregnancy when your youngest was only 5 months old, and then having to go through all the sleepless nights with a new born, as well as having to run around after a toddler. What you're feeling is normal. You're not the "worst mother in the whole wide world".

What I found helpful was taking some of the control back. When you have two babies screaming at you at the same time it can be overwhelming. If you know they are really okay and are just wanting a cuddle then say to yourself you can wait a moment while I make myself a coffee/put the washing on etc. It may sound like a simple thing but emotionally it helped me. It stops you feeling like a robot and more like a real person.

When you feel low you need to get out of the house. A walk can make all the difference.

At the moment things are hard for you but when they get a bit older the benefits of having them close in age is great. You will definately get "me time" because they will play together.

Hi there op - just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. I'm sure inthe medium to long term things will get easier when you meet more people and get a bit more regular support. In the short term I've found trying to go out every day and having some adult contact helps - even if that us just walking to the corner shop and talking to the shop keeper! Also posting on here does help too , just knowing that someone out there knows how you feel somehow helps! Hope you are feeling better soon - keep posting x

Do speak to your HV...she may be able to refer you to Home Start or put you in touch with other Mums nearby.

Use the library even if they're not doing rhyme time at the moment, I find a change of scene and a 30 second conversation can make a huge difference to my state of mind at the end of the day. For the same reason, I try to walk to the local shop once a day during school holidays even if I do nothing else. I say hello to a few other people and at least that's the day broken up.

Does your DS1 enjoy a bath? I often used to feed DD1 sitting on the bathroom floor while DS had a mid afternoon bath. Same when DD2 was tiny, if DS and DD1 were in the bath at least I knew they weren't making a mess while I fed DD2. Also seemed to make evening meal a little easier to cope with if I knew I didn't have to bath them afterwards.

Don't be afraid to ask symapthetic parents/in laws/siblings/friends to come for a weekend...they'll love to see your DC and it gives you something to look forward to.

It will get better...winter is hard and so are newborns. Just take it one day at a time, if they are fed and clean you've done well. Everything else will get done when you have a chance.

Can the 300 mile away relatives get on a train and help out? Do they know how badly you're struggling?

When their both crying and I'm knackered I get so frustrated with them and then I feel so guilty for getting annoyed. Being a mum is all about guilt isn't it? I never understood how much people love their children until I had DS1 and I wish I could be a better mum to them both.

Posting on here has really helped though, just getting it off my chest makes a difference.

I'd better go and rescue DS2 from being fed crayons by DS2...oh dear...to late.

Yes ballstoit, I have spent many afternoons sat on the bathroom floor feeding DS2 while DS1 bails the bath out onto the floor!

The MN mantra 'all this, too, will pass' seems unbelievable, but it really is true. all the stress will lessen day by day and you will come out of this stronger and more able to cope with any other thing life throws at you.

There WILL be groups somewhere close by. there WILL be other mums locally in similar positions to you. The trick is to find them.
MN local, just over to the right of the page may well have just what you need.

Keep posting on here as well, and celebrate any little success, or tiny triumph, we are all right behind you :)

I just wanted to say I have 14 months between ds1 and ds2. I found it so, so hard at times. My DH is Army and we were abroad when they were babies and I know how it feels when they walk out of the door and you don't now how you will make it through the day. I can honestly say it DOES get better, so much so we went on to have dd1 who is 18 months younger than ds2.

I found getting out of the house was the only thing that kept me sane, even the supermarket, post office, feeding the ducks, park in good weather.

I have also found having a strict routine has been a life saver, all of them in bed by 7 allowing me to have a few hours to recharge in the evenings.

Mine are now 5,4 and 3 and honestly I would not change a thing, they are so close and such little friends (when not beating each other up). It is worth it and I would not change a thing.

You are not a bad mum if you were you would not be worrying about this. You are doing the best you can in hard conditions. Please believe me it will get easier.

PM me if you need to rant at someone that has been there.

You arent a bad mum,just a knackered one.as for the guilt someone told me once if you dont feel guilt as a parent you arent doing it right!!!!!my younger 3 are 7,6 and 4 and when i had youngest i wondered what the blazes id done(esp as middle one had developmental delay).winging it took me to the edge so a plan is definately the way forward and as others have said getting out.i spent many an hour baby strapped to my front aimlesly wandering with a double buggy to park/shops in all weathers.it does get better.eventually sleep will return to you and they will be able to play together,even for a few minutes.hang in there and keep chatting to the rest of us.so many have been there and we know how exhausting and frustrating it can be.keep posting.x

I tried to talk to DH about it. Normally I'm able to cope with things (pre-children life wasnt that easy for a while) and he thinks this is the same. It's not though because before I only had myself to look after but now I'm responsible for two other lives and I just don't feel up to it. How can you have moments of utter dispair and complete happiness in the same day? When things are going right It's the best thing in the world but then half an hour later I'm thinking ahhhhh...someone please rescue me. The problem is there isn't anyone to do that. Like I said, they are both fantastic DC but I don't feel like I am good enough, ever.

DS1 very proudly presented me with a large stone he had taken out of the garden wall while I was'nt watching. He looked so pleased. Now DS2 is giving me little proto-smiles (when he should be feeding) and it melts my heart.

We will try the library later today just to get out.

You could try the local mums meet ups that are advertised on some mum's websites. There's nothing to lose if you don't know anyone locally and you may find making a few friends changes your persepective. I used to cry a lot when mine were young and it was mainly the tediousness of it all. They are both at school now and I miss those days!!!

I get to this end of the day and find I'm already dreading bed time. I can't think of a way of getting them both bathed and in bed without tears. DS1 still needs to be cuddled to sleep and I can usually hear DS2 screaming in his cot the whole time. The whole thing seams to take hours. DH will be in at eleven and if the DC are still up then he can help.

Any advice from people who have been there?

Hi,

I have always been hard core about bedtime, 7 o'clock no arguments from birth. I think the days would feel easier if you knew you were getting time in the evenings to chill.

I think tackling ds1 going to sleep without cuddling is a job to tackle. Is he still in a cot? This will sound harsh but I would give him milk (if he still has it)? A kiss and a cuddle lay him in his cot and leave. If he cries and stands (my ds1 did) wait 1 minute go in and lay him down but with zero attention, no eye contact or talking at all. I than added an minute extra every time he cried. Until he learned he was getting no attention at all by getting out of bed it took a few days of being consistent but it did work.

I know some people disagree with this approach but when you have two so small you need to be able to get the toddler to bed easily to allow you to settle the baby in quiet.

I am sending you strength I truly have been there. x

Oh and I have always bathed them together to make life easier!