Desperate, please help.

[littleposset]

This is my first post after lurking for the last couple of years.

I have a 16 month DS1 and 8 week old DS2 who I love with all my heart and soul. They are really good children. My DH works 12 hour days with an hours commute each side and sometimes nights/weekends. He is very helpful when he can be but isn?t around, no time off over Christmas even. Our nearest family is 300 miles away and we are new to the area so I don?t know anyone. We are miles from sure-start and there aren?t any toddler groups near by. Even the local library has stopped rhyme time till the new year.

The last week I haven?t been coping and I am at breaking point, the baby is taking 2 hours to feed and the toddler is teething. I?m shattered after all the sleepless nights and very lonely. When their both crying I feel like the worst mother in the whole world and I just can?t stand it. Looking after the two of them takes every waking moment and I never seem to have a day where I get to the end and think, yep, that went well. I?m crying almost as much as the DC and I?m worried that it?s damaging to them to have a mother who is such a wreck.

I?m pretty sure I don?t have PND because when DH is around its ok, having someone to talk makes all the difference.

I feel like I?ve totally lost myself and I just don?t know what to do to make things better.

Not much practical help, but I do remember the desperate exhaustion with 2 v close together. Mine are 20 months apart.
And now they are such wonderful friends that the memories of that awful
Time are receeding.

Take any small comfort you can. Any tiny moment of joy needs to be stored up and treasured to get you through the harder times. And it will get so much better.

i really didn't like wishing the time away because i love the newborn stage, but i keep thinking in a few more months in will be so much easier and my baby is 1 in a few weeks so has really settled down. it goes so fast, just focus on the basics to get you through the day.

moving house can't help at all. we thought about it recently and i nearly had a panic attack at the thought of it after seeing a friend's house who was packing up to move.

have you got something planned soon to give yourself a break? i'm trying to choose a massage or something similar to book next week and wondering if i can get away with one a month

You sound like you are doing brilliantly to me! I have 3 ds with 3.4 years between them all. Incredibly hard work and I have been fortunate to have help (tho not with bed/bathtime).

I too go from utter happiness and joy in the smallest of things to tearing my hair out in the space of a few hours! I think it is a bit easier when you have 3 as the two older ones (even at my little one's ages) can to some extent amuse themselves playing (with direction and supervision) whilst you feed the baby etc. I found toys for pretend cooking etc were brilliant, and when I really needed it Peppa Pig is fantastic (mine rarely have TV so when it is on they are glued to it!).
A sling was my absolute best purchase - much better than a double buggy as it meant the littlest one could sleep on me whilst I was free to run around after the older ones in teh playground etc.
Bathed them all together from the off and nursed baby sitting on the loo whilst the older ones had a bit more play.
Then I would nurse the baby a bit more and get the older ones to bed then settle the baby telling the older ones that I would come back when baby was asleep by which time they were usually asleep after waiting patiently. they seemed to understand that the baby needed 15 minutes to settle (still fed to sleep at 9 months!). I had 17 months between ds1 and ds2 and this was harder with just the 2 as the older one I would sometimes leave to read a book in bed for 5 minutes whilst i settled baby but he would get bored and run in to get me which is why I then switched to the older ones go to bed first.
I think you are doing a brilliant job - it is a very hard job being a mum to multiple small children, particularly on your own for most of the day. It is about survival and the books dont warn you at all!

littleposset - my DH is an F1... I totally get the hours you are dealing with & the supremacy his job takes over your life. I didn't register before your Dc2 is so small - mine is 3 mths now & it's already much easier (although I do have a bigger age gap). Will write more tomorrow, Bfing now & hate typing on iPhone. Happy new year - here's to sleep.

Just a quick message to say hang in there, I know to some extent how you are feeling and it's horrible. Why do so few people talk about how hard having children is? We all suffer behind closed doors but put on brave faces and lie to those around us?
Xxx

I second a sling for being a godsend to allow you some hands free time with your eldest. If you are interested, there are local sling meets happening all over the uk, which are great for trying different types out but also a fantastic way of meeting some really lovely mums in a friendly environment, usually one that's perfect for toddlers to let loose in :)

My dsis used to take the mickey out of me for using them but is now a total convert!

We all started our day at five. DH won't be home till 10:30 so the DC and I are all snuggled up in our bed.

turtles I can empathise with the feeling of panic about another house move. Even the thought of looking for another place in August fills me with dread. I think the DC and I will go and stay with DM and let DH sort it out.

I really feel the behind closed doors thing Starfishkiss. Its like being a duck, you look all calm on the surface but your paddling furiously under the water or you'll drown. I feel ashamed to say I have cried with the DC and I have cried with my DH but the rest of the world thinks everything is wonderful. I'm to proud and don't want my inlaws/Dsis to know that I'm cracking up.

I know that elation to despair feeling all to well cherub59.
DS1 has a few DVDs and gets to watch Mr Tumble/Balamory/In the Night Garden after tea for an hour so that I can feed DS2, get the tea cleared up, get their baths ready. He's to tired at that time of day to play on his own. I wouldn't let him have more because it loses it's value in huge quantities, Dsis has Cbeebes on 7am-7pm for her DC and they don't watch it at all.

Oh and happy new year everyone! Thank you all again for your support it means alot.

I've been thinking about you littlepossets. I find it so lonely & tiring when DH is at work a lot. I'm lucky in that we live near my parents so I can get a lot of support from them, but we moved in Aug too & I miss my friends! I hate the weekends, & find the best way is to spend the day out if we can, make sure we have plenty of things to do otherwise I get really down. Mornings & evenings are also horrible but I muddle through those. I feel like I'm waiting for the baby bedtime to suddenly work because at the moment someone is always crying at bedtime, but I think that might just be the way it works.

Can you invite friends up to visit? DH is working a rubbish rota this month & I've planned to go away or have people visit for them, just to have the company & variation.

Re cafes - dc1 was obsessed with those organix snacks at that age, & blueberries if you are looking for raisin subs.

It seems DH works perpetually rubbish rotas RlllaBlythe. We are five hours drive from our nearest friends and space is an issue, when my DM came to stay when DS2 was due she had to sleep in the kitchen but we are trying to get some people up to cover the worst bits of DHs rota, unfortunately it doesn't include this week of nights.

Hoping to be back near family soon, we want our dog back too, our friends have been dog sitting for the last year which we are eternally grateful for but they let her sleep on the sofa which was a deffinate no no before.