Desperate, please help.

[littleposset]

This is my first post after lurking for the last couple of years.

I have a 16 month DS1 and 8 week old DS2 who I love with all my heart and soul. They are really good children. My DH works 12 hour days with an hours commute each side and sometimes nights/weekends. He is very helpful when he can be but isn?t around, no time off over Christmas even. Our nearest family is 300 miles away and we are new to the area so I don?t know anyone. We are miles from sure-start and there aren?t any toddler groups near by. Even the local library has stopped rhyme time till the new year.

The last week I haven?t been coping and I am at breaking point, the baby is taking 2 hours to feed and the toddler is teething. I?m shattered after all the sleepless nights and very lonely. When their both crying I feel like the worst mother in the whole world and I just can?t stand it. Looking after the two of them takes every waking moment and I never seem to have a day where I get to the end and think, yep, that went well. I?m crying almost as much as the DC and I?m worried that it?s damaging to them to have a mother who is such a wreck.

I?m pretty sure I don?t have PND because when DH is around its ok, having someone to talk makes all the difference.

I feel like I?ve totally lost myself and I just don?t know what to do to make things better.

It's good to know people who've been there and survived. I think I will take your advice goingdownhill and try putting DS1 down in his cot and seeing whether he can settle himself. Thank you all again, even having a chat on here makes a difference. I tried my mum to see if she could come up for a few days but she looks after my sisters two DC (very complicated) and when she said not now I didn't want to push it, she has enough on her plate. Right, let's get these two to bed, wish me luck!

what time do they go to sleep at the moment? how long do they take to settle?
can your ds1 watch cbeebies while you get ds2 to sleep, then do ds1? i get my baby ready for bed 1st then asleep by 6:30 or 6:45 then get going with the older 2. they're in bed and settled by 7:30. in the past i used to have baby sitting in a bouncy chair in the bathroom doorway while the older 2 had a bath, then i would feed baby to sleep while they looked at books.
would your ds1 listen to music or story cd's in his bed or room while he waits for you to settle him to sleep?

i remember an evening when i had a baby and a 16/17month old, baby was in one of those scream the house down moods so i was trying to get him in a sling and to sleep then realised that ds1 had got the loo brush and was cleaning his cot sides!!!

your dh needs to realise that you really aren't coping, you cannot continue like this and you need a plan to change things. spell it out for him: if he doesn't help you, you will have a breakdown. be dramatic and exaggerate if needs be!

You can post an advert in net mums meet a mum board. I did this and have made a lovely new friend. You'll get there though, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Good luck little, stand firm and it will work even if it takes a few days.

I forgot to ask where abouts are you? (just incase you are nearby!)

You are not alone in feeling like this. When dd1 was born, boys were 32 months, 18 months and she was a horrific newborn, for the first 9 weeks she screamed about 20 hours a day, until we discovered she was lactose intolerant. At that time we were living in Brunei so I was alone. I honestly had days where I could of left her on a door step. I really empathise with how you are feeling. It does get easier.

I also wondered is there anyway financially you could put ds1 into a nursery even for two mornings a week just to break up the week a little and give your week a bit of structure.

Anyway will stop waffling. I hope your evening is going ok.

Turtles they go to sleep at seven in theory, DS2 is good as gold in this respect. DS1 can take 2-3 hours and it's the same if he wakes in the night. Every time you try to leave he goes from sleepy to hysterical.

We are in North Wales goingdownhill.

How do you amuse the toddler when out in a cafe or somewhere and the baby is feeding for hours? DS1 finishes his food, and then sits in his high chair, eats the crayons, chucks his toys and would leg it if I let him down. It makes it really hard to go out anywhere with both for more than an hour or so.

DM has offered to have me and the DC stay for a cou

Turtles they go to sleep at seven in theory, DS2 is good as gold in this respect. DS1 can take 2-3 hours and it's the same if he wakes in the night. Every time you try to leave he goes from sleepy to hysterical.

We are in North Wales goingdownhill.

How do you amuse the toddler when out in a cafe or somewhere and the baby is feeding for hours? DS1 finishes his food, and then sits in his high chair, eats the crayons, chucks his toys and would leg it if I let him down. It makes it really hard to go out anywhere with both for more than an hour or so.

DM has offered to have me and the DC stay for a couple of weeks next time DH is on nights which is good.

Didn't mean that to go in twice, stupid phone (plus being half five in the morning).

As I am up with the larks with DS2 I just wanted to add that it sounds as though you are doing well with such little support.

I didn't have much support when DS2 was born and DH would often work weekends (although 3.5 year age gap so very different), but I do remember those feelings of despair at the day ahead.

You have mentioned being a bad mum and not being good enough. I can totally relate to those feelings from the early days. I remember seeing one of my friends playing and joking with her 7 year old and feeling sorry for my DS's as I would never be as good as her as I was finding it so hard. With a few years hindsight I can see I was sleep deprived and stuggling to cope with it all as any normal person would have done in my circumstances.

You clearly dote on your DC's, and you are looking at what you can do to make life better for them and easier for you. You are clearly a good mum.

Sorry, no advice to give but want to thank everyone for sharing their tips. I have an 8 month old and am 5 months pregnant, DC2 is due 4 days before DD turns one. I know it will be hard so any tips are gratefully received :)

We are posted in Telford so not that far away. If you need to escape for a coffee you would be very welcome.

The cafe thing this sounds mad but with ds1 when he had finished eating I used to tip a box of raisins into the tray of his high chair. As they are small and fiddly to pick up it used to take him ages to eat them. Thus giving me chance to feed ds2 and on a good day have a slurp of coffee.

Good news about going to your mum's I think adult company makes things feel so much better. DH has been off work for two weeks, and is back in on monday aaaahhhh!

Thank you for the offer goingdownhill but I'm over an hour and a half from Telford :-(

DH is in bed pre-nights. So on my own again with the DC. Still they are both being angelic at the moment.

We tried raisins but the nappy consequences were dire. Might take a pot of peas, DS1 loves them.

Having MN has saved me, I was in a very bad place Thursday, I really am grateful for the moral support and advice.

Oh god DS1 has just chucked a sock over the fire guard into the fire, I'd better run before the house burns down!

I know someone has said it already but please get your HV to refer you to your local Homestart. You will be assigned a volunteer to come once a week for a couple of hours. They can play with the toddler or hold the baby whilst you spend one on one time with the other. They can also help you get out to the park or somewhere else if taking two out is a bit daunting.

All volunteers have to be parents and have training so will be very supportive.

Mine are much older now but I do so clearly remember those days. The first year with a baby and 2 year old was the hardest ever but I promise it gets better, much better.
Lots of good advice on here. I would add go easy on yourself. If something helps then do it. If it's against your principles forget them and just do what you have to do.
Just a thought, you mentioned DH coming in at 11. That's really late for you to wait up when you are having such an exhausting time.One thing I did when DS2 was born was I started going to bed when he did. Yes it was ridiculously early but I caught some sleep in between children waking me up.

sallorsgal you think I would be eligible for homestart? I thought that was for single parents. Part of the problem is one to one with DS1 so a couple of hours of someone to hold/amuse DS2 would be amazing.

SecretSquirels as soon as the bare essentials of housework and prep for next day are done I am in bed! I love DH very much but when your up three times a night it's asking to much. I'd be a grouchy cow at that time of night anyhow so he'd rather have me asleep.

Is your DP a doctor? It sounds very familiar. I have a 3 yr old & a 3 month old & it can be horrible. I'm so fortunate in that my parents live nearby & even so I struggle. Lots of sympathy.

Yes, DH is a Doctor RillaBlythe, I'm very impressed with the guess. What gave him away, the nights or the no time off over Christmas?

He's still very junior, so we had to move for his training leaving our family (and our lovely Labrador) behind. He works stupid hours and I can't ask him to help with the night feeds because he has to be well rested to do his job properly. If he made a mistake because of being tired the consiquences dont bare thinking about. I'd wake up anyway when DS2 cried so it's fine doing it all on my own at night.

He has to re-apply in January and his job will change in August so we will have to move again for the third time in three years. I don't think that helps stress levels. Still in about 15 years he will be a consultant and then I'll bother unpacking everything properly rather than just shoving the boxes in the corner and ignoring them as far as possible

My first smiley, so proud.

Just read that back, I know DH isn't the only one to have nights/no time off over Christmas. I don't want to offend any of the other poor people who have to work hideously antisocial hours in the many occupations that require it. I dont think anyone works nine to five anymore.

Yes you would qualify for homestart. The only requirement is that you have to have a child under 5. They will have to find a suitable volunteer for you and will try to find the best match possible.

I will talk to HV on Monday about it sallorsgal that would help enormously. Thank you.

Oh yes the moving every few years that sounds painfully familiar. It is hard on family life when you finally get to put down roots and find friends then you have to move again.. Our garage is stuffed with unpacked boxes and we have been here for 18 months .

I hope you are having a more peaceful evening, you definitely sound happier .

How about joining the wi ? They would be
Keen to ho

yes goingdownhill today has been a much better day. DS2 fed more quickly and DS1 is having less trouble with his teeth. Some times I really feel like I can do this, other times it just ends up a disaster.

Talking on here has helped no end as well, I'm not the only person in the world going through this by a long shot.

I couldn't have managed bedtimes without a sling.

I have 3 DSs; DS1 has just turned 4, DS2 is 20 months and DS3 is 16 weeks. I found bedtimes with an older child/children and a baby very hard until I started putting the baby in a sling while I dealt with the older child/children.

Both DS2 and DS3 fell asleep in the sling quite readily when they were diddy. As they got bigger and didn't fall asleep automatically with motion, I spent a bit of time practising breastfeeding the baby while in the sling, which also kept the baby quiet and happy. It was particularly helpful for DS2, who cluster-fed in the early evening.

When your DH has some time off, I would also try and crack your DS1's need to cuddle to sleep. The 'No Cry Sleep Solution' is very good at gently breaking such habits without tears.