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Original poster

6 y.o. try to exert control. How do I deal with it?

24 replies

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:03

Basically I have bred a control freak.

DS will not just do as he's told, he always has to negotiate when or how he will do it.

As an example, when he's told to get dressed/undressed, he wants to do it downstairs. I say no, grown ups get dressed upstairs, then he negotiates, take off Jamas upstairs, will bring clothes down and put them on in the living room. If I refuse, then get screaming abdabs, clothes thrown over banister, etc.

Same yesterday when I said it was time to practise his spellings. Yes he would, but after he had put his fire engine together. I stood my ground to say he would do the Fire engine AFTER spellings, but it was a bit of a battle.

I know he's only doing it to get the last word, to feel he has an element of control, but it's driving me loopy (esp the dressing/undressing business). Half of me says leave it, he does as he's asked eventually, but the other half says I'm storing up trouble for the future, and anyway, he can't get away with this type of thing at school.

Any ideas?

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starlover · 09/01/2006 16:08

yes, don't interact with him when he is "negotiating"... he can't negotiate with you if you don't answer.

you say to him. get dressed and then come downstairs.
you then leave the room and he gets dressed.

if he then chooses to come downstairs... IGNORE IT. he wants a reaction from you. he'll soon learn it's easier to do it upstairs.

if he doesn't get dressed at all then there is a punishment

Blandmum · 09/01/2006 16:11

If it is an 'issue' that is worth winning (pick a few and make sure you win them), telling him what is going to happen. Make it clear this is not up for negociation. State the desired outcome, state the consequences of not complying. Leave him. Ignore secondary behaviour, whinging, whining , arguing etc etc. Repeat the outcome and the consequences. Follow through. Praise like crazy whne you get the behaviour you want, let him have the consequences if he doen't toe the line , naughty step etc.

PITA, but it does work. Key is not getting drawn into the secondary behaviour. They don't matter, as long as he does as he is asked in the time frame. Whinging etc lets him save face, so ignore it

puddle · 09/01/2006 16:13

Well, to be honest I try and limit the occasions when ds just has to do as he's told. Our life runs smoothest when he feels that he has a bit of say in how he does things, within reason. It's part of his developing independence, not necessarily storing up trouble.

So, in the examples you have given I would probably have let him bring his clothes downstairs and get dressed as long as he took the pyjamas back upstairs and put them away. And I would probably have said, ok, 15 minutes doing your fire engine and then it's spellings. If you do them quickly you'll have more fire engine time at the end.

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Original poster

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:15

Cheers.

I've generally been fairly good at not getting drawn in to arguments/negotiations.

However I seem to have lost the knack recently. Maybe having dh at home for 2 weeks over Christmas knocked things out of kilter. He cannot resist arguing with ds, so it's like having 2 kids around.

I guess I have to grit my teeth and go for Zero tolerance again for a few days.

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Original poster

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:17

Puddle don't get me wrong, ds gets plenty of choice in things, I don't run a boot camp here. It just feels at the moment that he is looking to excert his control over EVERYTHING!!!

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Blandmum · 09/01/2006 16:19

Yup, but the things he needs to do, he needs to do. While giving choice is fine where appropriate, whould you like a banana or an apple, there are times that it isn't, 'No, you do have to put on your coat, it is raining'.

While children need to develop independence they also need to learn when they must do as they are told, IMO

Original poster

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:22

That's how I feel, Martianbishop. While he is a child he needs to understand that grown-ups are in charge.

He's bright and willful. I don't expect him to follow instructions blindly, but I do think I need to retain my position of authority (as do his teachers etc.)

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starlover · 09/01/2006 16:24

and also, if you start letting them have their say in EVERYTHING it gets out of control and you end up with a child who thinks he can do what he wants when he wants.
sometimes you have to put your foot down and say no, THIS is what we're doing

puddle · 09/01/2006 16:24

Sounds SO familiar Easy. I agree with martianbishop - pick your non-negotiables.

I do think though if he does what he's asked you shouldn't get too hung up on the how. No, he can't behave like this at school but isn't that the point? He's learning to think for himself a bit, as well as how to behave in a more structured environment.

Blandmum · 09/01/2006 16:25

Quite, there aer times when kids have to do as they are told. My lab is often one of them! Scratch that, it is always one of them

I don't have the time, or to be honest, the inclination to explain more than once why a safety rule is to be followed. If the cannot, or will not comply, they don't get to do p[ractical work, for example.

But every lesson you get the odd kid who wants to push the boundaries.

Original poster

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:31

Puddle, trust me, thinking for himself is NOT ds's problem.

I know I just feel this way cos he has got a bit out of hand over the holiday, and needs pulling back into line a bit. In addition, I single-parent Monday to Friday (dh working away), so I have to have him 'onside' otherwise every night becomes a battle.

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ScummyMummy · 09/01/2006 16:35

Hi easy. Though i agree with the others that it's important to pick battles, I just hate controlling men so am very reluctant to let my sons away with ignoring my reasonable requests just so that they can feel they have a say, I must say. I do give them options and choices wherever possible and I also try very hard to warn them that a few minutes before an activity they like is going to stop but sometimes I want them to do what I've asked- NOW! I find the pasta thing perfect for this sort of infuriating controlling attitude thing (when i remember to do it rather than lose it slightly!) It helps me not to get involved in the argument. I just calmly warn the son in question that if he doesn't do as he's asked he will lose a piece of pasta. If that doesn't spur him into action I will tell him he's lost a piece of pasta and that he needs to do what i've asked or he will lose another one. It really works for us.

starlover · 09/01/2006 16:35

i don't think it's just about thinking for themselves either.
it's a power thing. every time they get their way they are undermining you and winning the battle. it's going to go on and on and on....
they need to know that when you ask them to do something they should do it, without all the backchat and negotiating and terms and conditions!

Original poster

Easy · 09/01/2006 16:41

Exactly Starlover.

and Scummymummy, I have a pocketmoney jar for ds, and we put in/take out 10p each time.

I think I've just let things slide over Christmas, so I need to get things back in place. It's been a rocky weekend (hence posting today) because I'm trying to re-establish the proper status quo.

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Hadalifeonce · 09/01/2006 16:47

I always used to have an argument with ds about getting dressed downstairs/upstairs; but decided it was too small a battle to fight. We're only a few weeks out of that war, sometimes he does it upstairs without me saying anything now.
When something is not up for negotiation, I don't, I just keep repeating the request quietly but firmly. He gets fed up with this and usually complies. If he doesn't he misses out on something he wants. Unfortunately it's all part of growing up. (Sometimes I am secretly quite impressed at his negotiating skills!!)

aviatrix · 10/01/2006 22:16

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aviatrix · 10/01/2006 22:20

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blueshoes · 10/01/2006 23:10

aviatrix, let me join you.

Easy, I do think it is harmless to let your ds feel he has some control over his life, if that is his need at the moment. A little flexibility by you on the issues that don't matter will IMO make it easier to enforce your requests on the things that do matter eg safety. It is not the start of a slippery slope. Your ds doesn't sound like a control freak to me. Just a normal bright kid who is trying to flex his fledgling sense of independence. You have a natural authority over him as his mum - it is not a win-lose situation, just a relationship that needs to be nurtured like any other

Aloha · 10/01/2006 23:14

I also think it is important to pick your battles, and tbh, if it doesn't hurt anyone if he gets dressed downstairs, why have a battle?
My dh said, before I had children (he already had a daughter) that he tried never to say no unless the request was absolutely unreasonable. Then if he did say no he was totally resolute about it. But saying no was actually fairly rare. My stepdaughter is great.

Original poster

Easy · 11/01/2006 16:02

Oh my gawd, you make me sound like an absolute harridan.

My ds gets lots of opportunity to control his life, he often chooses his meals and snacks, he chooses his own clothes at weekends, what he wants to do for a treat, sometimes whether or not he has a bath, etc. etc.

But my problem was that immediately after Christmas he would not do ANYTHING when asked, had to impose his own conditions on absolutely EVERYTHING.

And I don't think thats healthy for any child, because they need to learn that NON OF US have total control over our lives, sometimes we (even grown-ups) have to bow to the will of others.

Believe me, when you have to negotiate everything with a 6 y.o. you get extremely weary and bad-tempered with them.

I have become more tough since Monday, and yesterday banned T.V. and the Computer between school and bed-time (unheard of in this house) because of the lack of co-operation I had re bedtime on Monday. Ds chose what he wanted to do yesterday instead of T.V.
We had a lovely evening, and he quietly got dressed upstairs ghis morning without being asked. Hmmmmm...

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Original poster

Easy · 11/01/2006 16:05

Oh, and one of the reasons I don't like him getting dressed/undressed downstairs is that he throws his clothes about, knocking things off the mantlepiece, and when he is asked to pick clothes up and take them upstairs, has been known to comment "I'm not your servant you know mummy"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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Tallgirl · 11/01/2006 16:12

Dont want to hijack this thread but having similarish problems with 4 year old (just turned 4 before Xmas so testosterone kicking in!). If asked to do something (usually involving hurrying up so we can get out of the house etc) that he is not happy he immediately shouts 'stop' and starts this whole 'i'm not talking to you' 'your not allowed to look at me' etc which is really difficult. If i do ignore him arent i just playing into his hands?? Dont want to get involved in argument so usually just repeat what i need him to do. Admit havent tried any of the pasta/pocket money methods yet. Also he doesnt seem to realise that he needs to do what adults say (or he is just testing it) as often says the same things we say to him 'you have to do what i ask' etc. He goes to a childminder two days a week who is firm but fair with him and she doesnt get as much answering back as we do.

I'm worried that he doesnt respect grown ups and dont want this to get worse.

Sorry but thought this was kind of similar to your problems.

Tallgirl · 11/01/2006 16:13

just re-read that and DS sounds awful but he isnt really. Usually is really well behaved and chatty but can turn very quickly these days - bit like Jekyll and Hyde!

Original poster

Easy · 11/01/2006 17:03

Tallgirl

This sounds pretty similar to ds (he started when 3 1/2, I'm used to it now)

He's pushing boundries, they all do sooner or later. He does it with you more than childminder cos he's more secure about you.

I would just ignore him when he does the 'stop' and 'don't look at me' stuff, carry on with what YOU are doing (getting yourself ready to go out, that sort of thing). My guess is that he gets a pretty good reaction from you when he does it, your aim is not to react at all.

He's the right sort of age to understand a reward system like a sticker chart or the pasta jar. Give it a try

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