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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being too 'mothering' of my 4 week old?

65 replies

sophie8987 · 06/12/2011 20:51

I'm a new mum to a baby boy. I just wanted to find out people's opinions as to whether or not I'm mothering him too much.
My MIL seems desperate for me to go out with DP and to let her babysit. She wanted this to happen today, but I suggested she come during the day instead and we could all spend time together. For me, my baby seems just a bit too little to be babysat by anyone - I would worry he would wake up and I wouldn't be there. MIL said again today that now he's four weeks I really need to think about getting out and about without him 'in tow'. I said again that I felt he was a bit too small right now, but that I was sure I'd love that in a few weeks time. She did a slight eye roll, so I then said that it was probably because I'm a first time mum, which she agreed with and laughed saying that I'd feel totally differently when I have a second baby.
Also, I have really struggled to BF, so thet my baby is fed by bottle with expressed milk. I find other people feeding him a real issue - MIL took him today and started giving him his bottle and I found it very difficult to watch. I think this is probably because I found not being able to BF very difficult and want my baby's feeding experience to be as close to BF as I can make it, which means me doing the feeding. Yet I feel that my DP thinks I'm being silly about this, so hasn't told his mum - who is always there ready to swoop in.
Am I being a bit ridiculous here and just swamping my baby, because I'm starting to think that what I felt were fairly normal feelings/approaches, are perhaps just a bit to mothering......

OP posts:

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ElderberrySyrup · 06/12/2011 20:55

no, you are fine, ignore MIL, she is being silly.

Follow your instincts and if you don't want to let anyone else feed your dc, you don't have to.

Very few people want to go out and leave their baby when it's only 4 weeks. If they did, fine, but she's being ridiculous if she thinks you should want to. Ignore ignore ignore.

RitaMorgan · 06/12/2011 20:55

I think you are quite right. Babies need to be with their mothers.

I also don't think it is great to play pass the parcel with little babies and let everyone have a turn at feeding them - I would keep it to just you and your DP.

santastooearlymustdache · 06/12/2011 20:56

i'm not even going to read your OP

No. you are not

make the most of the baby times, they are very fast to grow up

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reallytired · 06/12/2011 20:57

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

Having a baby is the biggest change ever in your life. Four weeks is very little and I don't think you are being silly. You have carried this baby for nine months. Your lo won't be four weeks old forever.

MitziKinsky · 06/12/2011 20:59

Although your MIL is only trying to be kind (and probably really wants to have the baby all to herself for a bit) you are not being at all ridiculous. Not only does you baby need you, but you need to be with him right now.

As already said, follow your instincts. When you really need a haircut, you'll be more than please to hand your baby over for an hour.

TheFidgetySheep · 06/12/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnitterInTheNW · 06/12/2011 21:00

I have a 4 week baby boy too. He's my 2nd, and I'm not leaving him with anyone for a long time. Stick to your guns, and don't let her bully you into anything you're not comfortable with. Leaving him with her for you to get out and about would be entirely for her benefit, not yours until you feel happy going off without him.

Enjoy your DS, I'm certainly enjoying mine :)

mumatron · 06/12/2011 21:01

This being your first is completely irrelevant. I had this issue with mil after my third dc.

You really need to do what feels best for you.

I posted a very similar thread here when dd2 was 10 days old.

Do you think she would be happy with just taking ds for a long walk in his pram to begin with. I found my dc rarely woke up while in the pram at that age. Would you be ok with that?

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 06/12/2011 21:02

No, not being ridiculous at all. Four weeks is tiny and even if it wasn't, you're his mother, it's your call.

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 06/12/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirandaGoshawk · 06/12/2011 21:04

I too read your title and thought No. He's a baby. You can't over-mother him. If he was 21 then maybe.

Have you come across a book called can't remember anyway it's by Jean Liedloff, about mums in the Amazon jungle - baby is with them all the time for a year, carried in a sling, day & night. Baby doesn't cry 'cos it's happy. Tell that to your MIL. This is YOUR baby, not hers. She's had her go. Listen to your instincts & stick to your guns. xx

WanderingSheep · 06/12/2011 21:04

You are not being too mothering, you do what feels right - you know best! If you don't feel ready to leave him yet then don't. Your MIL is wrong to pressurise you.

I used to get upset when people jumped in to feed my DDs. Just because they were bottle fed the family all thought that they should "have a turn" at feeding, which annoyed me as I saw it as my bonding time because when they're really tiny it's the time when the baby can look straight at you etc. but I was too afraid to say no.

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely boy!

BertieBotts · 06/12/2011 21:04

No way!! Four weeks is very tiny. It's still very much about how you feel at this age. Some people are happy to go out at this stage, but not many, I'd have thought. If I have another baby I doubt I'll be going out happily at 4 weeks!

I think you probably could/should put your foot down about feeding as well - it's great she loves her GC and wants to help out, but 1, you're still feeling raw about it, and 2, it's actually not great for babies to be fed by lots and lots of people, it's best to keep it to one, possibly two, in the early days at least - there is research on this but it's based on the premise that you can keep many of the benefits of BF by making bottlefeeding as much like breastfeeding as possible. (If you want more info on this let me know, BTW. And if you haven't found it already, the breast and bottle feeding board on here is excellent. I'll stop there in case you don't want advice.)

Catsu · 06/12/2011 21:06

She's being way too pushy. My dc3 is 14 weeks old and I wouldn't leave her with someone else (apart from dh) for a while yet!!

MrsRhettButler · 06/12/2011 21:07

I only clicked on the thread to find out how on earth you can be "too mothering" to a 4 week old!

The answer is you can't. :)

capecath · 06/12/2011 21:08

Don't think you're being silly. I think people do easily forget what it was like to be new mother. DS is only 15 months and I feel like I've forgotten so much already! This is a very precious time and your MIL should respect your needs. Can you try and tell her gently or otherwise perhaps you should speak to your partner? Did you have issues with your MIL being overbearing before baby? She does sound well-meaning, but if you try and let her know you appreciate her support but also, firmly, how you feel. As much as she loves her knew grandchild, she should primarily respect you and your partner as parents and your wishes.

Our DS is the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents and we do have to do some juggling to try keep everyone happy! We've not had issues with either trying to take over though because they live so far away!!

Just thinking, could you perhaps find some other baby-related things she could help out with to make her feel useful, like nappy changing or bathing (if you don't mind her doing those things)?

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/12/2011 21:08

He is 4 weeks old!!! You cannot over-mother such a tiny baby, and you're entirely right to go with your instincts. I'm sure that MIL is intending to help, and you may well be glad of the offer to babysit in a few months or weeks. But nobody can tell you when the time is right to leave your baby - just go with your gut.

Vicki1981 · 06/12/2011 21:09

Four weeks? For heavens sake, some people. I'd never have left our lo at 4 months let alone 4 weeks. Stand your ground and do what you feel right.

Crazy, really, it is.

SausageWrappedInBaconSmuggler · 06/12/2011 21:09

It sounds like your MIL is making these suggestions for her own benefit tbh. I know mine was the same and given half the chance they'd have DS living with them.

4 weeks is still tiny and you should be able to leave him when YOU feel comfortable, not when someone pressures you into it.

Congrats on the birth of your baby btw

SnowPlaceLikeHome · 06/12/2011 21:10

No way are you being 'too mothering'. Not possible with a baby so young.
Welcome to the 'Overbearing MIL' club

Seriously, he is your (very tiny) baby and your rules apply. You have only very recently given birth to this little creature, you are his MOTHER and you need time to bond, adjust to your new life and generally take your time with getting to grips with it all. That takes months, maybe a year or more! Get your DH on side, too. He needs to be the one to gently tell your mum to back off.

Original poster

sophie8987 · 06/12/2011 21:11

Thanks everyone. I was starting to feel as though I was being smothering. Mumatron, DS does kip when he's in his pram so if she did take him out in his pram, he would probably sleep for the entire time. I don't have a problem with him being with her at all - I'm keen for him to have good relationships with all his grandparents.It really is just his age. She is a little overbearing so I often go with what she wants, but I think I need to be a bit tough on this one. For once, at this precious time, I have to do what I think is right, rather than doing what she wants because it's the easier option.
Referring to 'instinct' is spot on, by the way - I can't recall ever having felt instinctive in the way I do now. It really is life changing in the most elemental way.
Thank you all x

OP posts:

Firawla · 06/12/2011 21:14

4 weeks is tiny!!!! mil is being too overbearing - you are fine. i dont think its just cos he is your first either, 4 weeks is just tiny and too young to be left, that is a natural instinct. it may well be a good while yet before you feel you want to leave him and that is your choice. mil might think she is helping but it is only help if you want or need it, otherwise its just pushy and makes you feel uncomfy. my youngest is 4 months and i still wouldnt want to leave him with anyone, and he is my 3rd. they are a young baby - they need mothering so to say you are over mothering is ridiculous.

PoppadumPreach · 06/12/2011 21:14

agree with everyone

4 weeks is tiny tiny and i would never have wanted to leave either of mine at thi stage

really, really enjoy every minute of holding, cuddling and kissing your little man and don't let anyone spoil it.

you have been polite and considerate to your MIL, remain so, but now be very very firm. suggest in 6 months time her offer will be very welcome.

try to "over-mother" as much as you possibly can - but you'll never do it at this age - it's impossible!!

hellymelly · 06/12/2011 21:14

i also think your MIL wants the baby to herself for a bit.Nice that she loves him so much,but you are right.Small babies need to be with their mothers and personally I couldn't bear to be apart from mine when they were tiny.Even at six months or so I would get very antsy if DH had taken dd out for a walk to give me time to rest and they were slightly late coming back.I would be pacing about and leaking milk everywhere! Go with your instincts,he is your baby and you know what is right for him. Tell your mil that you don't want to be apart from him but it would be lovely if she would come over to play/help bath him/etc,and let her change and fuss him.Hopefully she will be understanding!

Original poster

sophie8987 · 06/12/2011 21:17

Thank loads for thoughts on me feeding the baby too. Wandering - I think it could so easily slip into people 'having a turn' which I really don't want. Funny thing is, I have been very open about this with my own family and I know they wouldn't dream of trying to feed him, yet I'm tentative about saying anything to MIL....
Bertie - I'd be really interested in seeing the research.
Feeling much better about things now - amazing how a problem shared is a problem halved!

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