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Original poster

Am I being too 'mothering' of my 4 week old?

65 replies

sophie8987 · 06/12/2011 20:51

I'm a new mum to a baby boy. I just wanted to find out people's opinions as to whether or not I'm mothering him too much.
My MIL seems desperate for me to go out with DP and to let her babysit. She wanted this to happen today, but I suggested she come during the day instead and we could all spend time together. For me, my baby seems just a bit too little to be babysat by anyone - I would worry he would wake up and I wouldn't be there. MIL said again today that now he's four weeks I really need to think about getting out and about without him 'in tow'. I said again that I felt he was a bit too small right now, but that I was sure I'd love that in a few weeks time. She did a slight eye roll, so I then said that it was probably because I'm a first time mum, which she agreed with and laughed saying that I'd feel totally differently when I have a second baby.
Also, I have really struggled to BF, so thet my baby is fed by bottle with expressed milk. I find other people feeding him a real issue - MIL took him today and started giving him his bottle and I found it very difficult to watch. I think this is probably because I found not being able to BF very difficult and want my baby's feeding experience to be as close to BF as I can make it, which means me doing the feeding. Yet I feel that my DP thinks I'm being silly about this, so hasn't told his mum - who is always there ready to swoop in.
Am I being a bit ridiculous here and just swamping my baby, because I'm starting to think that what I felt were fairly normal feelings/approaches, are perhaps just a bit to mothering......

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pipoca · 06/12/2011 21:19

As for it being because he's your first..tosh, it's because he's your BABY, whether that be your first or your fourteenth. Stick to your guns, he's your baby and you're his mother and if you want to be with him all the time, you tell her.

emsyj · 06/12/2011 21:19

You are normal and not ridiculous.

My mum spent a lot of time telling me I held DD too much when she was little - I did it anyway, and loved every minute. I often get nostalgic thinking of the days when I would sit all day curled up on the sofa with DD in my arms watching crap telly and eating biscuits. DD is now 18 months old and appears to have suffered no ill effects from being constantly cuddled. And I didn't leave her with anyone to 'babysit' until she was 9 months old.

BertieBotts · 06/12/2011 21:22

I'll dig it out if I can :)

You know, I don't think I even put DS down for about 2 months, let alone went out without him! Obviously other people did get to hold him, but yeah, you're being normal, she is being overeager. (Which I totally understand, awwww newborns! But would never ever suggest to a new mum that it was time for her to have a break.)

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Moulesfrites · 06/12/2011 21:24

You are soooooooo not being "too mothering". My ds is nealry 11mo and it is only in the past couple of moths that I have spent any time away from him at all. Started with a couple of hours and have done a full day away for the past two weeks in preparation for me going back to work. Your baby is sooooo tiny and it is completely natural for you to not want to be apart. Your MIL is being ridiculous.

Pozzled · 06/12/2011 21:26

Ignore your MIL. You can't spoil or over-mother a newborn, follow your instincts.

And it's not just because it's your first. FWIW, I did leave my PFB early on- for a half hour walk on about Day 3 and for a night out when she was a month. I felt overwhelmed by parenthood and those short breaks were the right thing to do for me at that time. But I had my first evening out without DD2 last week and she is 6 months. Every mum and every baby is different, so you have to do what is right for you.

BertieBotts · 06/12/2011 21:30

I will keep looking for research but this explains why all the different practices of "bottle nursing" are important.

thebabybond.com/ComfortNursing.html

naturalbaby · 06/12/2011 21:33

it took me a few weeks to leave my pfb, and only with dh for an hour as it was my birthday. i was very, very reluctant to leave him with anyone else for a good few months and was very particular about what time of day i would/could go out. just smile and say 'no thanks' or 'i can/will do it' and repeat, repeat, repeat.

my mil was a bit overbearing and always offering to help but after a while of me (politely) making excuses and turning her down she started to back off and realise i am very different to her, and was not desperate to leave my baby with her and go out. she did have bit of a meltdown over it though because she pushed me too far so i pushed her too far .

TheFidgetySheep · 06/12/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderlight · 06/12/2011 21:35

You can't be too mothering at that age. Your MIL means well but trust your instincts and make the most of this time with your baby because it flies by and you'll soon be begging her to babysit a two-year-old tantrum machine! ;)

allagory · 06/12/2011 21:41

Your instincts are all right: baby is too young to be left, you should feed him if that's what you want. Be polite but assert what you want with your Mother in Law. You are the Mother and what you says goes.

HappyCamel · 06/12/2011 21:45

Ive barely left my 8 month old. I'm leaving her for four hours next Monday to go to work for a meeting and that will be the longest yet.

By the way, 4 weeks isn't too late to re establish breast feeding if you want to. Talk to La Leche League and find your local drop in clinic.

smartyparts · 06/12/2011 21:47

Gosh - I don't think I left my babies until they were 6 or 7 months! I was breastfeeding, so that probably makes a big difference to your ability to leave them. But at 4 weeks - who wants to go out without them?

YuleingFanjo · 06/12/2011 21:48

Don't let anyone put pressure on you to do something you don't want to do. YANBU and your MIL is being manipulative. keep on stating that you don't want to do it.

grumpydwarf · 06/12/2011 21:49

I only left my DS at 4 mos for 2 hrs max with DH! he's now 7 mos and going to start nursery next month so am preparing him by leaving him at nursery for an hour, then 2 etc.
Its a personal choice dont do anything you feel pressured to do! my MIL would love to have DS on her own for ever a time but until I feel able to let him go away from me she has to cope with me being there! that said I understand the feeding issue try letting MIL know how you feel and suggest maybe when you start weaning she feeds him a meal or two (some feeding "exoerts" recomend others than mum feeding to help the process)! if she means well she will understand and probably felt the same when her PFB was born! once the excitement of new baby wears off hopefully you will fall into your own routine and when you have established good feeding you can decide who feeds your baby.

grumpydwarf · 06/12/2011 21:50

sorry have re-read should be *experts not eoerts!

LydiaWickham · 06/12/2011 21:50

not actually possible to be "too mothering" of a 4 week old! She's not a toy to be handed round, if it's not going to help you to have someone else feed her, then don't do it.

Tell your MIL that you are going to do all the feeds yourself for now. dont back down. If she has a problem with it, it's her problem, not yours. You don't have to compromise your parenting decisions in order to keep her happy, your DS's happiness is your concern, your MIL's happiness is her problem.

Oh, and I had my first night out after having DS when he was 4 months old for my birthday, wouldn't dream of leaving him at 4 weeks.

pooka · 06/12/2011 21:54

It is impossible IMO to be too mothering of a baby in the first few months.

writeaboutlove · 06/12/2011 21:54

To reiterate what everyone else has said, what you're feeling is totally normal. My second baby is 6 months and I still feel like there's a part of me missing when I go out without him, and I'd definitely feel weird if someone other than dh took him out somewhere.

My MIL was similar when we had our first baby - seemed desperate to feed him. I'd fully expected to breastfeed and felt crap when it didn't work, like I'd let him down, and that the least I could do was give him his bottle. I remember when she visited and he was probably only about a week old and dh asking if she could feed him, and everything inside me was shouting "no!!!!".

Go with your instincts. They are tiny for such a short time x

nethunsreject · 06/12/2011 21:57

No, you are not being too 'mothering'!

He is still part of you.

You are doing great.

If you need or want breastfeeding help, get your dh to check for local support groups - normally miles better than midwives/hvs.

Do things your way - you are right!

YuleingFanjo · 06/12/2011 22:05

Incidentally OP, how old are you?

I wonder what it is about mums and mum in laws which makes them feel like they can tell grown women, who have just had their first baby and so could be feeling vunerable instead of empowered, what to do with their own children.

My baby is 11 months old and I feel so much more certain about what is right for me and my baby but had anyone tried to make demands of me so soon after the birth I might have crumbled.

heliumballoon · 06/12/2011 22:05

I wonder if you would enjoy a book called What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen. It puts into words everything that you are saying about instinct.
Of course you must ignore your MIL. I can still remember exactly who ripped the bottle out of my hands and when, with DD and she is nearly four now. DC2 is due in Feb and, if she receives formula, that'll be my job or DH's job and no-one else's unless invited.

bt1978 · 06/12/2011 23:10

agree with everyone else...definitely not being too mothering!
I have a ds and he's 9 weeks old, only I (and sometimes dh) feed him...mil wanted to do it the other day and i said no...and he's my second. DD didn't get fed by anyone else until she was nearly one!
The way i see it is that i'm his/her mummy and i do the feeding regardless of it being bottle or breast.
Enjoy these times while your ds is so small. I love having ds fall asleep on me and so will enjoy it while it lasts. And i've only left him a couple of times with dh to go and post a letter or get a coffee, so you're totally normal in not wanting to go out without him.

matana · 07/12/2011 08:20

Like others have said, it's impossible to over mother and it's proof you have a good, strong bond growing between you that you want to spend as much time as possible with him. You're doing fine, well done and enjoy!

The only thing i would say i agree with is re. getting out and about with him. It will help increase your confidence and does you good to get out on your own with your DS or with your DP as well as a family. Sometimes it just helps put a different perspective on things having a walk in the sunshine when you're feeling a bit crappy/ tired. Show your LO off to the world! And just be a little careful you don't inadvertently begin to exclude your DP. There will come a time when you want some 'you time' and you don't want to risk your DS not taking a bottle from anyone except you. But i would say you don't have to worry about that for a few weeks yet. And when you're knackered it can be a real help to have someone feed your LO while you catch up on some sleep too. Take care of yourself and your DS will thrive.

ShowOfHands · 07/12/2011 08:30

I refuse to read your op.

The answer to your question is no. There's no way to be over mothering of a brand new baby.

I'm guessing somebody is trying to make you leave him or detach from him somehow? I'd guess a MIL too but not sure if the MN cliche has affected my perception.

Whatever it is, no, no and thrice no.

Keep your baby close to you. It will feel right. Not being close will feel wrong. All you need to know.

Four4me · 07/12/2011 13:15

I have four and in some respects would love a break but would rather be knackered than anyone have any of them!!!!!! My 10month old is a total clingon and I love it as I know he won't be like this when he is older. Don't get me wrong you have to learn to let them go, but I mean when you and they are ready, not at 4 weeks. When I have had newborns I have become extremely 'tigeress' about other people going anywhere near them handling them.

How I now deal with it is to make a jokey comment about it. Ie 'yes you can come and visit but just to warn you I'm very smitten with my lovely new baby and am not planning on letting you run off with him!!!' 'oh no I couldn't possibly go out and leave him, I'm not planning on leaving him until his wedding day!!'
My current favourite is 'oh yes I'm planning on bf till he is at least 12'

Sarcasm can be a useful tool!

Harness the mil and let her help you in ways you feel happy with 'dear mil could you do me a massive favour and give ds a big cuddle whilst I just nip upstairs and lie in a big warm bubbly bath for half and hour??'

Enjoy you little man, he'll be nagging on about the latest Ben 10 watchy thing for Christmas faster then you think!!!!!

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