Am I being too 'mothering' of my 4 week old?

[sophie8987]

I'm a new mum to a baby boy. I just wanted to find out people's opinions as to whether or not I'm mothering him too much.
My MIL seems desperate for me to go out with DP and to let her babysit. She wanted this to happen today, but I suggested she come during the day instead and we could all spend time together. For me, my baby seems just a bit too little to be babysat by anyone - I would worry he would wake up and I wouldn't be there. MIL said again today that now he's four weeks I really need to think about getting out and about without him 'in tow'. I said again that I felt he was a bit too small right now, but that I was sure I'd love that in a few weeks time. She did a slight eye roll, so I then said that it was probably because I'm a first time mum, which she agreed with and laughed saying that I'd feel totally differently when I have a second baby.
Also, I have really struggled to BF, so thet my baby is fed by bottle with expressed milk. I find other people feeding him a real issue - MIL took him today and started giving him his bottle and I found it very difficult to watch. I think this is probably because I found not being able to BF very difficult and want my baby's feeding experience to be as close to BF as I can make it, which means me doing the feeding. Yet I feel that my DP thinks I'm being silly about this, so hasn't told his mum - who is always there ready to swoop in.
Am I being a bit ridiculous here and just swamping my baby, because I'm starting to think that what I felt were fairly normal feelings/approaches, are perhaps just a bit to mothering......

Jeez, she's really shaking your mothering compass hasn't she? Your instincts are entirely correct. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm on dd2 and feel even more tiger mum this time round. You'll know when it's right - whether at 4 weeks or 4 mOnths or much much longer.

May I suggest a chat with your MIL about her experiences of raising her kids and how it was with her MIL/DM. Just a general chit chatty sort of way? I was scared of my MIL being like this, especially when I saw disappiontment in her face when I said I would be attempting BF , and I see what she is like with her DDs LO. Until when chatting to her, I found out she didn't even let anyone HOLD her DD until she was 3 months.

Now, I know I can (pretend) to be all PFB, and say "you know how territorial we women get with our first borns " and hopefully she will ease off

If your own MIL had an overbearing MIL, this may help!

I left dd at a few weeks for a half hour outing with DH. She was with my mum, asleep when we left and still asleep in the same place when we returned! Looking back, I blame this on hormones, medication and a bit of DM pressure as I wasn't ready. this was repeated about a month later with mil! (again, baby remained asleep).
Mil kept asking from birth 'when can we have the baby for a day?' they got their desire at 7months as I had to go to hospital!
Also had a nightmare trying to feed, and hated other people giving her a bottle. DH knew this, but still kept saying to mil and sil 'do you want to feed her?' .

Poor you, does it help if I tell you that at 4 weeks, I chased my poor mother through Sainsburys when she took my DD and went helpfully ahead of me (by about a minute), screaming "give me back my bloody baby", then wrenched the trolley from her? Sounds daft but I really, really meant it at the time.

Mothering instincts are the strongest emotion I have ever experienced and perhaps your MIL have forgotten that she was once EXACTLY THE BLOODY SAME!"

It's only at almost a year I can leave my DD for more than a few hours with anyone and then I count fingers and toes to make sure they're intact.

Lots of good advice here. The best advice I had from anyone was to 'give in' as much as possible to maternal preoccupation while my daughter was a baby.

I didn't allow anyone else to feed her, except occasionally my husband. I rarely let anyone else hold her and then only close family. I didn't leave her with anyone, even for an hour, till she was more than six months old because I didn't want to and didn't need to.

The best thing you can do for your baby is to let him be your whole world and be as close to him as possible for as much of the time as you can. And that will lead to him having better relationships with other people later on, including his grandparents. You're the one laying the foundations.

I expect MIL is jealous - I am too! But you're doing the right thing

How can a mother be too "mothering"?

Your MIL is jealous of your gorgeous baby. Simples.

Incidentally when dd was 4 months old we went to a wedding. Dh drove her to the church and gave some other people a lift while I walked. When I arrived lots of people did double-takes and a friend said 'oh, look, doesn't alto2 look strange without dd?'

I agree with everyone above-I couldn't leave my 2 DS until they were MUCH older-and I couldn't even watch DP giving DS1 a bottle at 6 months old! Enjoy your DS!

Your instincts are spot on OP, I got more possessive with each one; I don't think I left DC3 for more than an hour until she was about a year old but that's probably a bit extreme! I remember when DC1 was about 6 weeks old we stayed with our in laws for the weekend. MIL and DH insisted I went to bed the first afternoon we were there and they would take DS for a walk. I agreed very reluctantly and told them when he was due a feed so to bring him back by then as he was BF. I went to bed and was woken by the sound of DS crying (well, screaming really). He was due a feed so I rushed downstairs only to find the house empty, they had only just gone out! I phoned DHs mobile but he'd left it so I went upstairs and cried my eyes out. I couldn't believe they had taken him out when he was due a feed. 20 minutes later they came back, DS hadn't stopped screaming, surprisingly! I snatched him off DH and said to him, "Don't you ever dare take my baby away when you know he's due a feed!" I was fuming. The thing is DH, FIL and MiL had all been rather dismissive when I told them when his feed was due as I'd fed him 3 hours previously, they thought he should be able to go 4 hours. I said he was a very hungry baby and at that time he still fed 3 hourly. I think
DS kind of proved me right really! I still get upset when I think of that day now. Sorry to hijack thread OP but you said you often give in to your MiL. Just want to make the point that when it comes to your children she should always respect your wishes. After that incident I became a lot more assertive, believe me!

It might be worth saying to her something like: thanks, don't worry though, I'll let you know when I do need help. Because otherwise she may start up again two weeks' time - OK, he's six weeks now, you HAVE to go out without him blablabla. I got quite a bit of it from various quarters and I hated it.

You are definately not over mothering him. She had her chance to look after her own children. Now it's your chance. I'd just say. 'I know you might think it's silly, but I really enjoy being with him and I don't want to go out without him. I'll let you know when I'm ready". Don't let her bully you, he's your baby. Also with regard to feeding. If you don't feel comfortable with her taking over, then you have to make sure you get there first! Tell her that the midwife/HV said it's important at this stage for you or your husband to do most of the feeding so you bond!
I'm sure in the future you will love her helping out, but remember he is your baby not hers so don't feel guilty. She's had her chance.

Dd is 16 months and has only been within us once, for a couple of hours.

Sounds like she wants to be the mother again!

I agree with others - 4 weeks is too tiny for you and your babe to be apart if that's how you feel.

You did make a compromise by asking her over for a daytime visit - so you are obv. very accommodating.

Maybe your MIL is an olddtimer and locked in the past when DW's had to be 'available' to their DH's and the baby was never even thought about (except as a burden) : it was just a by product of that all important married relationship.
She prob thinks she's going to save your marriage of something, by taking the baby off your hands for a while - like it's an obstacle to your important relationship with her son... Crazy thinking eh?

However, your gut instincts as a mother are your own, and you need to act on them. Congratulations by the way, and no you cannot 'overmother' a baby!!! Enjoy those little snuggles.

Tell your mil to back off ,explain you are a seething mess of hormones and that you will probably appear irrational to her ,but thats tough titties ( and you are not by the way.

OP - with the massive amount of responses you've had, I hope you're feeling more confident and have realised that of course, it's impossible to be too mothering! You're doing a great job.

Just wanted to add about the feeding - I absolutely understand how you feel about not wanting others to feed the baby. It drove me up the wall. My BFing story is a long and complicated one, but I mix fed (mostly formula). At the beginning I wasn't confident enough to say No to my mum and my MIL when they wanted to feed my DD, but as time went on - and with the support of my DH - I managed to.

Not that my mum listened when I tried to explain to her why it was so important to me to feed her myself (lots of reasons, and most probably similiar to yours) , she just said "But you're not BFing her" when I said "You wouldn't be able to feed her if I was BFing" and "You're just being too controlling" . Anyway, you stick to your guns and don't give in if you don't want to. Feeding is a special time, and I don't think people realise that it's still an important bonding time for mummy and baby, even if there's a bottle involved. They'll say they just want to help, but remind them that they can help by changing baby's nappy, getting you a cuppa etc and that you'd rather feed baby yourself. THey can moan, but you know you're in the right. Good luck.

And congratulations on your new baby x