Feeling self-concious about being a younger mum - anyone else?

[AKMD]

I married DH at 20 (he is 3 years older than me) and DS was born when I was 22. Two years on, he's a great little boy but I find myself feeling more and more self concious about being a younger mum. I've had quite a few comments along the lines of 'oh, you're very young to have a toddler aren't you?' and read so many snide comments about younger mums not having a clue what they're doing that in certain situations I actually feel embarrassed when I'm out on my own with DS. I know I shouldn't focus on what other people think but I get very stressed out about stupid things like BIL buying DS Nike trainers and the way that DS behaves in public, more so than I do when I'm with people who know us fairly well. Does anyone else feel like this? How can I grow a thicker skin?

I would have given anything to be a Mum in my twenties.

I feel compelled to comment after reading these - I was 28 when I got pregnant the first time. I had been married for three years, had a degree and a good job. I did look very young for my age. The midwife assumed it was an unplanned pregnancy and offered me a place on a 'young parents' course - which was for parents under 20! I had a few unpleasant looks from strangers while pregnant. Most of my friends, who obviously knew how old I was, assumed it was unplanned

Pregnant again at 34 now, and scored my first look from an old lady yesterday. I could probably pass for 24 in dim lighting but I do not look like a teenager!

Can imagine how horrible people can be if you really are a young mum. No idea what their problem is really.

I started out as one of the youngest and ended up as one of the oldest. I looked far younger than I was in my 20s when I had the first three and people used to make comments along the lines of 'well, you started young' . When I had the last two, in my 30s, people usually took one look at me and said 'you certainly have your hands full'. I know there were days when I looked like something the cat brought home a bit disheveled but still, when you hear it a few times in the one week you start wondering...

Brettgirl, I have seen a few of those 'intense' individuals and I know what you mean. It has been interesting to see the children progress through school.

I've really enjoyed reading all of this thread- I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with my first, at 23. DP and I are getting married on Christmas eve and even though we are very happy, I cant help but notice some people's looks! I think this largely to do with looking younger than I am too.

It's been really wonderful to read so many positive stories though, instead of people automatically assuming it was an "accident" (I hate that)! I'm glad that I'll be 24 when DD is born, it feels right for us.

So just wanted to say thanks to everyone

I was 18 when I had my son and lots of people were I worked hard and did well at college and his dad worked very hard to support us often 6 days a week at least 8 til 5.
I was together with his dad from when I was 16 and we stayed together until I was 30 and had 2 more children with and we still are good friends.
People were always commenting 'don't worry you can finish college one day' 'are you with his real dad?', 'do you know who is dad is?', there were sarcastic comments about benefits, and constant 'helpful' remarks on how to do things - I actually felt like I was fine and didn't need help!
I was never rude but if people asked something like 'did you plan to have the baby?' I would say to them 'did you plan your baby?'
When its repeated back to them they often used to realise they had been a bit cheeky!

I was 17 when I had my DD. I've had quiet a few rude comments over the years from strangers and sometimes it is hard not to let it get to me.

Most of the comments are if I know who the father is. When I tell them I do and that I'm still with DD's father I usually get a "well done" or "are you sure he's definitely the father?"

I also got loads of comments when I went back to college and DP went to University. A lot of it was postive but I'd also got the shocked "oh you aren't going to sit at home on benefits?" No I'm not.

I'm 24, had my girls at 20 & 21. They were both very much planned. I had a few comments from people at work but never from the mums at the school gate, although they don't give me the time of day as we live in a good area and they're all mid-late 30s & I look very young for my age. They made they're judgements about me but screw them, my girls are well looked after, loved and happy, me & their dad have been together 8 years & have been happily married for almost 5 years, never claimed benefits and work hard for our family. Let them think what they like if it makes them feel better about themselves. Tbh I'm looking forward to still being youngish when my girls are teenagers/adults, I definately feel like I had them at the right age for me :)

I was 22 when i was pregnant with ds1 , i was a single parent too . The only negative comment i got was from an aunt , but i didnt rise to it and she soon shut up. Had dd when i was 30 and ds2 when i was 38 . I have been equally pants at motherhood at all those ages

I agree with omri, age has nothing to do with it. I am now in my 60's, had my first baby (unmarried mother) in the 60's, very young. DS is now 47 tell anyone who asks I was about 10 at the time, last baby born in my 40's, still didn't know what I was doing, it's nothing to do with all these folk passing comment, there's worse things in the world than having babies and all you youngsters sound like lovely mums.

I am 59 with a 17 year old DD. The mother of one of her classmates is 34 and the grandmother is younger than me! Don't be embarrassed! When your DD may be leaving home for further education you'll be 40 and young enough to do all sorts. Anyway, age is a state of mind in so many ways. I know people who are half my age but who seem much, much older. Wish I were your age!!

I live in an area where the average first time mum is in her mid-thirties. I am friends with a couple of mums who had their first children when they were 16/17 and are now in their early twenties. They tell me that people assume they are au-pairs and lots of other mums seem to be quite snooty. A few of my friends who are my age (late 30s) have made snooty remarks about my younger friends. My young friends are great mothers, their patience puts me to shame actually.

I can only assume that the older mums are jealous of their youth. I think sometimes people feel threatened by people who have done things differently. If people have done things at the same time and same stage as you it validates your own choices.

I know what you mean I am 23 and I have 3kids and lots of people comment. I do sometimes think that it is none of there beezz wax! but I do understand what they mean. :) they also comment on there names.

I'm 27, 28 in March as is my DH, DS is 3 on Hogmanay, and we married at 25. I don't feel it's young, as i was the same age as my mother when she had me, however going by my ante-natal group and the ward i was on i was YOUNG by far a lot of the women were late thirties early forties.

I know how you feel though, I must look about ten because i'm still asked for ID if i want to buy Alcohol or what not and my DH (poor him) was mistaken for 35 by members of his football team

So i think it can work both ways!! I wouldn't care what anyone else thinks really, people do what is right for them!

Ugh, don't worry about it OP, there will always be people that feel it's their place to say things like that. Just let it wash over you.

I had DS at 17, i'm now 22. Have a nice house, nice car, good job, super DS and DP and i still get people asking me if i'm an Au Pair and then saying 'oh you're so young' etc.

We were at a family do the other day when one of the kids came up to me and said 'Are you DS's mum? WOW, you look really young.' Her grandmother just stood there and laughed and agreed. Now, she's seven, so i know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but i think it's really quite rude! Her mother is 45, if i turned round and said that she looked old, i think she'd be pretty annoyed!

I don't think people understand that it can make people feel very uncomfortable.

I know some great young parents, i know some great older parents too, i really don't think it makes a shred of difference how old you are.

Hold your head up and be proud. You are clearly a caring, conscientious and loving mother, no matter how old you happen to be. That is the most important thing. I was 22 when I had DS and 26 when I had DD. I come from v middle class family and did get some v hurtful comments - even from family when we told them our news. It made me want to "prove them wrong". I do occasionally get irritated by people saying "gosh your very young to have 2 children" or something similar, even so much that I occasionally say "gosh you look so old to have a child so young" that soon shuts them up!
I also find being extra lovely to people when they give you a funny look makes them feel a bit embarrassed and stupid.
Who are they to judge you? If you are doing the best for your child (which it sounds like you are) that is most important thing!